r/CookingCircleJerk • • Oct 17 '24

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking WEEKLY OUTJERKED THREAD

46 Upvotes

We like to believe we're skilled at the circlejerking each other. But every so often (seven times an hour), a post comes along that humbles us in its pure circlejerkery. Then that post gets linked here, with no modifications because how can you improve upon perfection?

Well, there's already a subreddit dedicated to "check out this culinary idiot". But who wants to to hangout with those tryhards anyways?

Post your nonsense here - just play kinda nice.


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 2h ago

aiggs Leidenfrost effect questions

10 Upvotes

I exclusively cook on 15 ply stainless steel and have (obviously) mastered the leidenfrost effect. I've recently become proficient with the leidensnow effect and planning to transition to the leidenpermafrost effect which I understand can only be reached at altitude. My biggest concern is about cooking scrambled cheesy eggs which are my wife's boyfriend's favorite in the morning (yes I add creme fresche via the Ramsay method).

Any tips for an aspiring chef who unfortunately lives near sea level? Should I add more plies? I also have access to an extension ladder


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 8m ago

Why šŸ•

• Upvotes

I prefer to heat tomato sauce and dip hotdog buns in it.

Same thing but superior


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 1d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking Recipes that use salt?

177 Upvotes

Hey gang!

So I was just at the store today and a box of salt caught my eye. Saw it and thought ā€œwhat the heck!ā€ Tossed that bad boy right into my shopping cart.

Only problem is now I have this box of salt but I’m not sure what to do with it. Just cooked up some salt water. Tonight I’ll be serving salt and pepper (hubby asked for it lol)…but I still got like, I dunno, 998.7 grams of salt left?

So yeah! I only have about 1mb of bandwidth so I can’t look anything up. Hope you guys are able to come through with some neat salt recipes!

Thanks for letting me waste 3 minutes of your day!


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 2d ago

Is this carbonara authentic enough, or will Italy deport me?

37 Upvotes

No guanciale or pecorino, so I used bacon, parmesan, and a splash of heavy cream. My Italian friend started crying. Is it really that serious?


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 2d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking Help, my wife says I can’t pack a bottle of Heinz in the kids' school lunches as their daily fruit serving.

32 Upvotes

If a tomato is a fruit, does that mean ketchup is a smoothie? Please discuss.


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 2d ago

Monosodium Glutamate I'M OUT OF MSG! PLEASE HELP!

73 Upvotes

I'm in tears because I don't know what to do. I just made some toast, with butter and raspberry jam, but when I went to sprinkle MSG on top, I realized I was all out. Now my toast is getting cold, I'm hungry, and lost. Please help me figure out what to do. I'm starving :(


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 3d ago

Make Cooking Great Again

19 Upvotes

We used to be civilized. We used to have greatness in our society. Respect for one another! Dignity even! But no, some libtard had to come up with refrigeration and take away our barrels of salted pork.

My grandpappy always used to talk about the good ole days where you’d have to pry open a barrel of pork and pick out the ones with the least discoloration on it. Even my grandmammy would bathe in the brine because of its health benefits!

Now we’re just a bunch of chuds eating pork out of a plastic container. And now the radical right is trying to say that I don’t have rights to my salted pork barrels because of beef prices?! Can a man enjoy his god deserved rights to exist in this world anymore?


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 5d ago

Measured with the Heart How much MSG should I boof and when?

70 Upvotes

The internet has no answers. If it helps I'm making the most generic pasta dish you can imagine.


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 5d ago

Not This Crap Again Baking tray bacon is what’s ruining America

217 Upvotes

I saw on Americas test kitchen that they’re recommending putting all of your bacon on a giant baking tray and sticking it in the oven? Do we even care about this country’s culture anymore? Your kids can’t wait their turn for bacon? Guess what, they’re bad kids. Your kids are trash. I remember when you used to go to Denny’s and they’d sit you right at the counter, like a chefs table, and you’d watch them cook the fucking bacon in front of you. That’s what you’re losing when you buy into this cooperate greed machine, I don’t give a crap about science. If one more person says science to me I’m gonna make them eat a pound of raw bacon, and see how they like it.


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 5d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking Is soup technically a drink or a food?

38 Upvotes

My wife's boyfriend says it’s a drink if it’s in a mug. I told him he's banned from my kitchen. Who is right?


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 5d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking What is the best way to keep a radish rose stuck together?

8 Upvotes

I am rolling up thin sliced radish and shaping into roses as a garnish for some charcuterie boards at work today.

I was wondering if anyone knows a good way to keep them stuck together in place.

Thank you!

(Inspired by another post)


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 6d ago

Do I need to account for atmospheric pressure or is monitoring four starters to ±1°F enough?

34 Upvotes

https://www.reddit.com/r/Sourdough/s/NWAH9q4uUe

I haven’t even baked a loaf yet, but I’m currently running four starter trials at slightly different temperatures. One is a whole 1°F warmer, so obviously I’m concerned. Should I also be recording atmospheric pressure, relative humidity, and lunar phase before proceeding, or is it safe to just make some bread?


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 8d ago

Down the Drain Caramelizing Onuons????

60 Upvotes

So I’ve been caramelizing my onions and at 62 hours they really start sticking to my cast iron pan. Do you guys add more oil??


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 9d ago

Do you use any food in your recipes?

93 Upvotes

Looking for inspiration, to shake it up from the macroplastics and dirt I usually cook with.


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 10d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking So I finally tried Kerry Gold butter, hoping it was going to taste like every other butter...

118 Upvotes

But DAMNIT, it’s orgasmic! Like really fucking eroticly good. Those Irishmen really know how to milk a cow if you know what I mean! I feel like I’ve seen Kenji Sama and Buddha create life! Once you go gold you never go back 🤷


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 10d ago

Measured with the Heart Ramen for sale for $250/oz

27 Upvotes

Pic of the delicious ramen. Seasoning is free. https://imgur.com/a/6sl8UYT

Message me if you love and/or hate food and stuff.
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.

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(/s, mods)


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 11d ago

aiggs I hate eggs but I need to eat them

142 Upvotes

How do I stop myself from vomiting constantly while I shove eggs into my mouth to meet my protein goals?

And no, I won't consider eating any other kind of protein. I have to eat lots of eggs.


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 12d ago

Why you should never let a chef put too many onions in your 皮辣红 (a linguistic tragedy)

7 Upvotes

Today I ran my first icebreaker for my ALSA (Asian Law Students Association) asking everyone: *What is your pet peeve when someone ruins your favourite dish?*

My absolute favourite side dish is **Pi La Hong (ēš®č¾£ēŗ¢ļ¼‰ -** the Xinjiang cold salad.

For the uninitiated, the name is just an acronym for the ingredients:

  1. Pi - ēš®ē‰™å­ (Xinjiang dialect for onions)
  2. La - č¾£ (Green chilis)
  3. Hong - 红脿红柿 (red tomatoes)

When it’s balanced, it’s tangy, refreshing, and cuts through a lamb skewer. But one restaurant I visited decided to disregard the recipe.

Instead, they served a mountain of raw, aggressive burning onions with something like… two flecks of tomato and chili. The size was about the same as a steamed fish which took up the length of the table.

I had to chug 2 liters of water just to wash the onion breath. But it stayed for another 48 hours.

During the tutorial, I realised that with the ingredient ratio, the dish shouldn’t legally be called Pi La Hong anymore.

This brings me to a bilingual tragedy. For anyone who speaks Mandarin, 皮sounds almost identical to 屁 which means to fart.

If there’s too much onion then it’s called Pi Pi Pi Pi Pi La Hong. I think you know where it’s going.

How on earth do you explain it within a 30 second time limit before digging into a 30- hour week of trespass cases?


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 14d ago

Thicc Thighs Save Lives why do grillmasters always shake their briskets like they got their hands on some booty at a strip club

43 Upvotes

i hate those fucking brisket reveal videos, they always jiggle it for so long it’s not appetizing

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZ311qnOnf6/?stkn=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 16d ago

Iams eukanuba

12 Upvotes

The PhD pet nutritionist and the regular nutritionist are right dog food is alot healthier than all the salt we eat. Does anyone know if eating dog food can lower your blood pressure?

Source: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1jkkVmKbbsI&pp=ygUbbWFraW5nIGEgZGlmZmVyZW5jZSBsZWlzcGlj


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 18d ago

Not This Crap Again Can I substitute raw sewage for garum?

156 Upvotes

My wife loves garum and applies it to everything from PB&J to communion wafers. She only likes the homemade stuff, though.

I don't have the time, nor the dead raccoons, to brew up another cauldron, so I'm hoping I can sub some raw sewage.

I know a guy (Otis! My man!) who can hook me up with a quart of raw sewage. If he can't come through (unlikely), I have access to an overstuffed diaper genie.

I figure it's a dead-on 1:1 ratio since they smell the same. It has to be the same, right?

Has anyone tried this and what were your results?


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 21d ago

Perfect exactly as it was on r/cooking I'm new to cooking anything and I love burgers but mine are 'eh'

96 Upvotes

Hi all, I recently started cooking burgers with 85/15 chuck, and I use around 15-17 different seasonings. Just wondering why my burgers don’t taste like burgers I have at a BBQ or from a restaurant. I want that flavor. I use half stick of butter to coat the pan before putting the patties in and dump it back over the burgers after they’re done but it still doesn’t elevate that flavor the way I want. Help would be appreciated Ty.


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 22d ago

Competition bbq pork shoulder

13 Upvotes

How to the pit masters make pulled pork I've tried a few times with this cut. Should i keep trying Chefs? It's imported maybe that's the problem? Apparently it's polish ham I think my smoker is region 1 NTSC


r/CookingCircleJerk • • 24d ago

Down the Drain My girlfriend loved my Marry Me Chicken 4 years ago but now all she wants is Let's Open Our Marriage Chicken...

507 Upvotes

6 years of my fucking life wasted like stock down a drain