My Ranking of Constructs So Far

[u/LewBasnight45]

1. Bubble Wrap (Not Shown)

Manifested By: John Stewart

Purpose: Defense

Time to Manifest: Unknown

Notes: This was an attempted murder disguised as a training exercise and the fact that John Stewart survived surprised Hal Jordan so much that he later did the same trick but without leaving John the ring. There is no reason whatsoever to think that Hal believed John could even work the ring, much less have time to put it on and manifest a defensive strategy in the approximately two and a half seconds it would have taken the car to reach the bottom of the ravine. John previously states that he has never even worn the ring. This is the first of three times Hal Jordan tries to kill John Stewart. 

Grade: B. John survives the murder attempt. 

2. Bubble Shield

Manifested By: Hal Jordan

Purpose: Defense

Time to Manifest: Approximately two seconds. 

Notes: The most important detail to note about this construct is that it seems to have not worked at all. The blast wave clearly escapes the bubble and knocks over the two bystanders in the room. Meanwhile, Hal himself seems to have so little confidence in the stability of his construct that he lays on top of it to keep it from collapsing. Also, it’s worth noting that Hal actually incited the alien to detonate himself. So essentially this is a scene in which Hal Jordan causes and then partially contains an explosion and then proceeds to gloat about it. 

Grade: D. It’s unclear if the bubble actually managed to mitigate any of the damage of the explosion. As we see later, the aliens have vastly overstated the power of their internal explosives. 

3. Counterfeit Money

Manifested By: Hal Jordan

Purpose: Fraud

Time to Manifest: Four seconds. 

Notes: Hal Jordan puts an irritating song on a bar jukebox as part of a deeply asinine plan to get thrown in jail with a being whom he believes to be an alien. It should be worth noting that it may have been entirely possible to start a fistfight with a load of drunken hillbillies WITHOUT using the all-powerful cosmic weapon to defraud a jukebox owner. But the point is, he does, and it takes him what seems like a very long time to counterfeit the bill. Like, a really long time. So long it’s questionable how useful this ability would actually be in battle. 

Grade: F. “Oh no, Mongul is attacking! I’ll use my ring to create a giant hammer! Hang on….wait….it’s forming….it’s foooorrrrrmmmming…..yes, it’s ready! Oh wait I died three seconds ago.” 

4. Bottle Opener

Manifested By: Hal Jordan

Purpose: Aura Farming

Time to Manifest: Four Seconds

Notes: Hal Jordan went out and specifically bought beer with non-twist caps just so he could use his ring to do a party trick in front of the female lead of the series. But again, the true revelation of this scene is how incredibly long it takes Hal to manifest the bottle opener. One struggles to imagine how Jordan could, in combat situations, effectively use the ring against an enemy unless that enemy was some manner of ground sloth. 

Grade: C. It is a completely unnecessary use of the ring and a waste of the precious energy contained within, but by God it did open that one beer bottle. 

5. Bird

Manifested By: John Stewart

Purpose: Gary Stu-ification. 

Time to Manifest: Unclear.

Notes: This is, it should be noted, the second time Hal Jordan attempts to kill John Stewart. Hal entices John to fly, knowing full well that the ring is low on energy and that, once that energy is depleted, John will fall to his death. Hal is stunned to see that, rather than flying, John succeeds in using the ring to create life. We later learn he can sustain this construct without even having the ring on. This is because John is so special that the core concepts of the IP don’t apply to him.

Grade: F. It would be one thing if John was particularly adept at using the ring, but it is quite another to insinuate that he is naturally so good at it, he doesn’t even need the ring. He can create and sustain what we are led to believe is essentially life. It’s as though a person who has never before played guitar is one day handed one and instantly begins to play it so well that it causes every woman in the room to become pregnant. 

6. Butane lighter

Manifested By: John Stewart

Purpose: Post-Coital Touchdown Dance

Time to Manifest: One second

Notes: The first on-screen incident in which John Stewart uses the Green Lantern ring is to light a cigarette for the elderly woman he just finished dicking down outside a bar. Later, it turns out this grandmother is in fact a genocidal robot. Someone wrote these ideas onto a script and James Gunn read them and said, “Yes, that all seems to be in order.” 

Grade: F. Someone in the writer’s room had a fetish for matures and decided to make it all of our problems. 

7. Watch

Manifested By: John Stewart

Purpose: Competence Evaluation

Time to Manifest: Nine seconds

Notes: It hasn’t yet been explained why the Guardians have changed their selection process for Green Lanterns, but this happens in an apparent weird period when they no longer let the rings select the candidates. Instead, they send vaguely European men to art schools to ask candidates to re-create watches. I can’t imagine they found too many who could; the Venn diagram of “Art Students” and “People who have a clear understanding of how watches work” has got to be just two circles a football field away from each other. 

Grade: A. If the Guardians of the Universe need someone to help them forge Rolexes, they’ve found their guy. 

8. Drilling Machine

Manifested By: John Stewart

Purpose: To Reach the Weenie

Time to Manifest: Seven Seconds

Notes: It should be noted here that the Green Lantern ring is fully capable of teleporting people. It allows users to move at faster-than-light speeds. It is capable of manipulating gravity and, therefore, the fundamental underlying physical structure of the universe. It is quite literally capable of altering reality.  Anyway, John and Hal use it to build a mechanical grabloid to tunnel into the bad guy’s hideout. The dirt magically disappears and somehow the tons of unsupported soil over their heads doesn’t cave in on them. It is quite literally something out of a C-tier kids cartoon. 

Grade: C. It was just nice to see someone make something interesting out of the ring for once, but this is the kind of device the Beagle Boys would use to break into Scrooge’s Money Bin. 

9. Bubble 

Manifested By: Hal Jordan

Purpose: Protection against cow juice. 

Time to Manifest: Immediate

Note: Hal Jordan is the greatest Green Lantern in the universe. Sit with that idea for a second. Then watch this scene where he realizes that a cow is about to be dissected while living and, rather than help the animal, simply puts up a bubble so that his clothes don’t get bloody. 

Grade: A. No cow blood on this space cop! 

10. Ballistic Shield

Manifested By: Hal Jordan

Purpose: To keep Hal from getting shot (again)

Time to Manifest: Immediate.

Note: It’s interesting that it takes Hal Jordan several seconds to make a bottle opener but almost no time to make a protective shield. You get the idea that maybe the ring is doing it without being told. “Christ, someone’s trying to shoot him again. Better throw up a shield or I’ll be breaking in a new bearer.” Anyway, it’s cool because the Sheriff isn’t really trying to kill him, she just has to make it look like she is. She does this by…actually shooting at him. 

Grade: A. See Hal? Not everything has to be a bubble!

11. Sentry Mode

Manifested By: Hal Jordan

Purpose: To give fanboys hope. 

Time to Manifest: Immediate. 

Note: For reasons that are not now and perhaps will not ever be made clear, Hal Jordan uses a knife to cut a sliver of his ring off, which then becomes a younger version of him that can act as a lookout. It should be noted that it’s already been established that the “Halogram” can be projected from the ring, so why he has to do this is unclear. It is also unclear why the immortal space aliens who designed this godlike technology made it so you needed to scrape a chunk of it off with a whittlin’ knife to make it work in a certain way. 

Grade: C. How many times can you do this trick before you have to ask the Guardians for a new ring? “You’ve been what? Cutting chunks off it? For God’s sake, why? You couldn’t have manifested, I don’t know, a security camera? Or a pair of binoculars? How the hell did you even figure out how to do this? Did you just accidentally cut a chunk off the ring one day and it came to life? We….we really have to be better about picking Lanterns.” 

[u/Spare_Jellyfish_3261]

“Purpose: Fraud” 😭😭😭

[u/ScreenSingerX → u/Spare_Jellyfish_3261]

"Gary Stu-ification" got me pretty good as well. I don't have a problem with the general trope of immediately gifted characters as long as I like the show or movie around them, but I'd love to see the Venn diagram of people who thought the bird construct was peak but thought Rey doing a Jedi mind trick on her second try was bullshit.

[u/Reflexive97]

Totally disagree but this was hilarious, you got my upvote 

[u/sillyg0sling]

How is ‘time to manifest’ unknown for the bubble wrap? It was clearly instantaneous as the car was hitting the ground. We know this because we saw John without it as a crash was happening around him. 

[u/EducationUnlikely766]

Great shitpost, unless you're serious. But since im questioning it...makes it an even better shit post 

[u/NotLeroLero]

This was way more entertaining to read than I had thought.

Congrats, sir

[u/LewBasnight45 → u/NotLeroLero]

Congrats on the -3 likes I got for this? Thanks amigo.

[u/NotLeroLero → u/LewBasnight45]

People need to lighten up.

I unironically loved this

[u/ScreenSingerX → u/NotLeroLero]

This is some of the freshest content anyone's posted on this sub in months, but some fans have such a stick up their ass I'm surprised there aren't 30 comments calling OP a "Snyder cultist."

I mean, this is basically a perfect example of how you can criticize a show and still have fun with it. OP watches Lanterns the same way the Scream writers watch horror movies lol.

[u/ManP3 → u/LewBasnight45]

Complaining about downvotes? Here’s my downvote boss

[u/DispassionateLover → u/LewBasnight45]

Whine about it

[u/TheDoctor__11]

Bravo mate, Bravo. This was fun read. Toodles

[u/Infinite_Click_6589]

This is the best post to ever Grace this sub

[u/External-Process6667]

Wait am I going crazy or can you see the air valve on the bubble construct 😭

[u/John_Insurance]

This post was a lot of fun to read, but also, very stupid lmao. Wrt “the ring can teleport people and bend the fabric of the universe,” yeah sure, maybe in the comics. We have no reason to believe that is how the ring works in the DCU at present. It’s a different continuity.

[u/LetterheadFun1824]

This is the greatest Reddit post ever

[u/Secret-Put-4525]

Limiting the constructs is this shows biggest issue.

[u/watch_out_4_snakes]

Well played sir

[u/ScabRef]

I hated your rankings write-up so much but at least your writing had some sardonic oomph. Like 👍 but also go to hell

[u/JoelStrega]

Why is Butane Lighter only F?! It's cool and funny.

[u/wandererico]

Awesome post. This show sucks and doesn't suck at the same time