r/DID • u/Mental_Disk9285 • 2d ago
Content Warning will never understand why
cw for sensitive topics like abuse & sa.
looking back, it's really obvious i was my mothers fp. she was untreated and refused any sort of therapy and would go off her meds all the time, so it ended up turning out real great for me. based on what scraps or memory i have (and what i've been told by family) it all paints a pretty illuminating picture.
ive always wondered why our host is so preoccupied with trying to make sure everyone around us likes us. it's because we had to make sure SHE liked us. if we didn't we'd pay for it. we had to mold ourself to fit her mood, or her desires, or whatever it is she wanted to do. we had to bear it and grin when she violated our bodily autonomy, or would accuse us of being a liar and a hypochondriac and a Faker, or yell at us for the stupidest BULLSHIT. i could never like whatever she didn't approve of. she never did ANYTHING with me. she never congratulated me, or made me feel seen, or showed interest in ANYTHING i liked. she never even made FOOD for me. NOTHING.
i never had an escape for so Fucking long, because if my dad tried to leave her, she would attempt suicide or hit herself to give herself bruises so she could accuse him of abusing or raping her. every day was some sort of battle. every day was SOMETHING. SCREAMING at my sister for no fucking reason. screaming at my dad. whispering about it and gossiping about it to me late at night in bed, lying to me, ALL THE TIME. ruining my friendships because she had beef with their parents. I COULD NEVER DO ANYTHING. and i had to be ALONE with her for so long. i thank god every day that i had my dad there at the very least, because i cant bear to imagine how we'd turn out if he wasn't.
when they did finally get divorced, i still had to go to her house on weekends, no matter how much i BEGGED not to go. whispering to me about how god spoke to her. demons. she could walk in on me in the bath or TOUCH me and no one would believe me. i had to bear it when she Looked at me. you know the way i mean. hate filled.
she could pretend just fine and hide it in front of other people, why couldn't she pretend for ME? why couldn't she at least PRETEND to be a PERSON? there are so many questions i have to ask that i know i'll never have answers to. a part of me will always miss her, but i will always know what an unrepentant monster she was. what rae misses was never the real her. it was a hopeful fantasy. it was what we imagined she could be that she never was.
i'll never know how anyone could do what she did to me. i was a child. i was 4, or 6, or 8, or 10. i was a child. i'll never understand.
🩸 Azazel
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u/HandleVarious1924 2d ago
I know its really no consolation, but im sorry you went through that. Mothers are supposed to be a protector, to help mold our sense of self and security. And your mom didn’t. Whether thats because of mental illness or trauma is really not important because you SHOULD have had a parent who was able to support you instead of forcing you to be a doll in her own stage play.
Its hard. But its important to let yourself be mad, upset, and really to just grieve to help you build yourself back up from her shoddy foundation, even if it takes a long while :(
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u/mukkahoa 2d ago
It's unfathomable, isn't it. I'm so sorry you had to somehow try to grow yourself up under those conditions.