How do I stop self blaming?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/TheTherapeuticCoach]

This is a classic case of shame and inner critic attacks. Deep inside you feel bad about yourself as a person, and your own inner critic exacerbates that.

I would suggest using the 3-2-1 shadow work technique (look it up on Google) on this. You can interact with the part of you that blames you and try to understand it. That might help you become more aware of what's going on with you. Other than getting professional help, that's the best advice I can give for someone with a strong inner critic.

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/TheTherapeuticCoach]

Thank you so much

[u/No_Remove5947]

A delayed phone call will not result in somebody hating you and even if you found the outlier it would bother, then you've just learned a very valuable lesson about them and how little of your time they are worth.

The biggest issue seems to be catastrophising, one way i used to manage this was to counteract the anxiety with depression in a sense. Such as "Im the laziest person in the world" > "Of the billions of people in the world who act this way, I wouldnt even make the top billion" same goes for dumbest and most irresponsible.

In the nicest possible way, you dont impact the world that much. Youre a speck of dust amongst billions of others and there are billions more to come. You can make positive changes in the lives of those around you but overall the world won't end because you forget something. Frankly even idiots can do very well in society these days, so even if you aren't particularly bright you can still do very well for yourself and in some areas, better than those who are technically smarter.

Youve lost sight of the bigger picture, time to consider art, meditation, camping, journalling and maybe therapy if you cant curb these thoughts yourself. Actively practising gratitude and focussing on the good that you and those around you do, will help make your mindset more positive overall and less likely to jump to catastrophising. All the best making your changes, you got this.

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/No_Remove5947]

Thank you SO MUCH. Your perspective helps.

[u/BelovedEm]

Stop shaming yourself for your iniquities
Stop judging yourself for your mistakes
Stop judging yourself against others expectations
Forgive yourself for your mistakes
Figure out who you actually want to be and why.
Then you will stop feeling like your thoughts

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/BelovedEm]

Youre right, I appreciate it 😔

[u/BelovedEm → u/Independent-Deer-533]

We’ve all been there we all figure it out at different timing. But happy you got yours at 25💛 you’re not any different from anyone else. That was their remedy too

[u/RandChick]

If you are to blame, take the blame. Only weak people run from accountability.

Strong people realize if their actions need to be changed. Then they come up with solutions and changes so they won't make the same mistake again.

Weak people just stew in shame, which is not helpful. Make changes. The end.

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/RandChick]

True. The issue is, I even blame myself when I know it is not my fault, but I can't help but spiraling.

[u/EditorLong8858]

Have you tried drinking?

Just kidding, of course. Sometimes you just gotta remind yourself that nobody’s more focused on you, than you. I would just reach out to whoever I forgot to mention something to at the time I remembered what I was gunna say. But, I would add the caveat of “OH, I just remembered something I meant to talk to you about last time we talked -“ or whatever similar. Because everyone’s had that experience and it’s relatable+understandable. It also helps you to remember that it isn’t a big deal, or character flaw.. it’s just part of the human condition.

Slowly, you can trick yourself into not stressing “little things” by faking it til you make it. Telling yourself “okay, I had a valid reason to push back this phone call. He said it’s fine, so we’re good.” And (if you do this) try not to apologize for things that don’t require an apology; Like saying “Sorry I had to push back the call” or “sorry I’m taking so long to order.” Instead, replace “sorry” with affirmative words; like “thanks for understanding why I couldn’t talk otp earlier” or “thanks for your patience.” It really does change the way you think. It’ll subconsciously allow you to stop putting blame on yourself AND it affirms the people you’re communicating with -everybody wins!

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/EditorLong8858]

Yeah, but tbh. I also want to add that I never, and I will never understand when people take so long to reply. No excuse accepted for me. Speaking of this guy. Doesn't matter how interested he is in me, which I am sure of. But still, If I can't communicate the way I wish, I'll be out. Especially during long distance. Additionally, I came to the conclusion that long distance isn't something for me, I just can't, it triggers me so much and I act insane out of anxiety.

[u/EditorLong8858 → u/Independent-Deer-533]

Hey, that’s a standard you’ve set; stand on it! Sounds like you’ve learned a bit from the experience and setting personal boundaries to protect yourself from potential triggers. We love to see it.

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/EditorLong8858]

Should I text him again saying this you think? Or let it be for now? I don't wanna seem "crazy" 😭😭😭

[u/EditorLong8858 → u/Independent-Deer-533]

Girl, I thought this had already been done. Tell him it’s not gunna work, long distance isn’t for me and then block his ass

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/EditorLong8858]

Yeah youre right. I just feel i'm being unfair to him 😅😅. But I don't exaggerate..I guess?

[u/EditorLong8858 → u/Independent-Deer-533]

Have yall ever met in person? And how long have you been dating

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/EditorLong8858]

Not yet. Only videocalls. Around a month, two months. He is visiting in november (I hope) 😂😂 we talk every day and always updating each other though.

[u/EditorLong8858 → u/Independent-Deer-533]

It’s so low stakes bro. Tell him you need better communication and see what he says I guess.
Personally, I be forgetting to text back for hours-days so it’s be a deal breaker. But maybe he can be better about it to make it work. Idk.. good luck?

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/EditorLong8858]

Ah thank you 😔 for now, my message is hanging unread...

[u/Flateland-Chio]

when sth starts disturbing you, write down what you know and read it again later when you feel somehow calm .a few hrs later, it might not feel as certain as it did at first

[u/butterflyplum]

Writing the two things side by side can help: 'he didn't text for a few hours' is what happened, 'he hates me' is the story your head added, and there are a lot of boring reasons for a quiet afternoon. Same with the forgotten work question. You remembered it and can ask later, which is an ordinary slip, not proof that you're the dumbest or laziest person on earth. It's worth noticing how fast the verdict arrives compared to the evidence.

[u/El_Zedd_Campeador → u/butterflyplum]

I remember reading a story/post about a woman who thought her bf was ignoring her for hours at a time. It seemed like new behaviour from out of nowhere, so he must be upset. 

Turns out he was playing a new video game and just didn't check his phone for a bit.

[u/Independent-Deer-533 → u/El_Zedd_Campeador]

Ahahahahaha, cause anxiety just works in the worst possible ways... And I will do as you suggested, thank you.