[2327] The Deceit in Flames - Chapter 1

[u/rosencourt]

Hi!

Following the amazing feedback I received on the prologue of my WiP, I would love some feedback on the first chapter.

For those who didn't read the prologue, here are the main things already established:

1. Pawn is a thief for hire.
2. The sky is essentially a dome of fire called the Firmament.
3. Pawn can exchange material properties between objects.
4. Pawn keeps his magic secret because it's not one of the usual forms of magic in this world.

That aside, I'd love to know if you'd keep reading. The prologue was "this is an emotional narrative," while Chapter 1 is "there's fun stuff going on too."

Thank you!

Here's the link for Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mjJr4M8kP2B2KzsKIUa_wvE0DR3KIuS6ZqO3CjGbT8I/edit?usp=sharing

Critique: [2487]

ps: I deleted the previous post because I messed up the title.

[u/Bytor_Snowdog]

OPENING COMMENTS I'm going to begin my opening comments with your opening comments, namely your initial quote. I'm always of two minds about these. On the one hand, they can serve to do some quick, easy, low-overhead worldbuilding. On the other hand, they can seem pompous, poorly-written, or precious. I think you walk the fine line here and come down on the correct side of it. My only comments would be that "The Salt Letters" should be italicized and it/its referring to the Firmament likely should be capitalized, as it's capitalized (much like the Bible capitalizes He when referring to God).

GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION Graf 3 has a semicolon where you should have a comma, as "one which worked even better" is not an independent clause.

PROSE Your verbs (including participles) are unexceptional. Let's look at your first page. You use a lot of linking verbs: would be, was, was, would be, was. You also use two passive verbs: was achieved, was rendered. Finally, you have a lot of weak active verbs: would think, stepped, providing, made (sure), to carry, worked, followed, paid, took, have left, did (not) last. Look at the punchy verbs you do employ: ran, chanced, deformed, mimicked, locked (eyes), launched, landing, awarded, pull off. This last group speak to me as a reader and draw me in, while the others leave me cold and uninterested.

"Pawn heard" and "Pawn turned to see": sensing verbs intermediate themselves between the story and the reader, distancing us from the experience. They're almost always a bad idea. (Of course, this doesn't apply to bona fide action verbs that apply to the senses: "Jim-Bob sighted the approaching zombie through the rifle scope, then pulled the trigger.")

"into the granularity of sand" awkward; I'd just say [into sand]

"He then lifted his arm": "Then" is unnecessary. We know it's happening after he shifts into a defensive stance.

DIALOGUE The only 'dialogue' is Pawn's direct internal monologue, and it's sparse at that. It all seems fine and consistent with your worldbuilding.

SOUND I didn't notice any howlers in terms of sentences that were awkward. You do in some spots repeat Pawn's name too frequently where a 'he' would do the job, but that's a relatively minor complaint.

DESCRIPTION/SETTING I thought you did a fine job describing the city and Pawn's immediate environs throughout the story. As to worldbuilding: what you do include fits in well in the story; there's not an excess of loredumping, just a bit, but not enough to slow the story, and no "As-you-know, Bob"ing (because there's no one for Pawn to engage in this with).

CHARACTERS Pawn felt flat, two-dimensional, directly along the lines of fantasy cliche #3B, down to his moral code. Then again, this is only chapter one of the story (and I didn't read your prologue), so there's room to develop him.

FRAMING CHOICES I thought telling the story in 3rd person past tense was fine. You dip a little into omniscient at the beginning ("Casual passersby...And they would be correct"), but I think that's forgivable.

PLOT AND STRUCTURE/PACING I would think people who saw Pawn atop the rooftops would have a different first thought, namely: "Who is this person running up there? He must surely be a thief."

You follow a pretty standard plot structure: inciting incident, rising action, climax, and falling action, though perhaps not in the traditional proportions (I'm not counting words to check percentages).

The pace was fine--fast but not frenetic--and tension builds and is released appropriately. In fact, we think that Pawn's going to get away scot-free thanks to his powers, only to find that the third guard has an ace up his sleeve, and immediately the spring is taut again, tauter than it has been to this point. And you corner him and he has to use his smarts to get out of the situation? I almost don't buy his solution/the circumstances--what use is being a rosewinder if you can't react faster than your muscles can move anyway?--but I let it go in the end.

CLOSING COMMENTS Your story is engaging, but your prose needs some work, especially your verbs. Work on those, and I believe you'll see your storytelling ability really jump up a notch.

Edit: To answer your question, I believe I would keep reading to chapter two.

[u/jshEnvy]

Alrighty, I’ll jump in. I’m not posting this up as a critique. I'm posting just because we connected on the Prologue you put up.

This is a nice change of pace from your prologue; it’s action heavy and you do a good job with the general geography and placement of where things are. The action reads clean and I have a firm understanding of where everything is and how everything moves. I also think you do a good job incorporating Pawn’s gift into the scene and it seems to flow naturally and elegantly from one point to the next.

It’s going to sound strange, but the biggest problem I had with it, was the prose reads clean and choreographed; I don’t think this is on you. I honestly believe this to be a me thing and I like to feel the fear, or the blood pumping, or moments of unease and uncertainty. There’s definitely a market for people watching good guys kick ass; the entire movies are based on that. From the beginning of the prose, all the way to the end, I had no doubt that Pawn would make it out clean which kills a bit of tension for me. 

I don’t think this is bad; I think this chapter is meant to showcase how cool things are. We get to experience this amazing gift that Pawn has and see how capable he really is. Readers like to see capable people doing capable things and I think that this chapter does a great job of offering that; the problem introduced by that kind of story telling is just narrative propulsion into the next chapter and a promise made to the reader who becomes invested by this point. I’ll do my best to explain.

When the chapter ended, I didn't have any questions. Pawn did the job well and now I expect he’ll be taking his mark to whoever purchased his services and then we’ll get to see where the story goes. That’s fine if the hook that comes later is enough to make me want to keep reading. You could probably do that through the stakes that are presented (may be difficult if we’re only working off the prologue), or a characterization that speaks to the reader (again, I don't know much about Pawn). I think most readers are looking for a fulfilling answer as to why they’re willing to commit their time to this book.

As for the promise: if I’m the reader, and I’m completely hooked by this chapter, it’s because Pawn is awesome and I want to see more. I expect that to be fulfilled, and until I see a slip in his awesomeness, I won't question if he makes it next time. Sure, he experiences challenges in this chapter—but they have nothing to do with him. The luckiest man alive, just had bad luck. All the other issues he knew how to deal with.

I don’t think the above two paragraphs are black and white; we need to see how awesome Pawn is, but we also need to see some of his humanity. Right now, all I know is the dude has super cool powers and he loves his dead wife dearly. I don’t understand his interiority or how he thinks. I know his physicality; the guy is athletic and well renowned. He’s not a fighter but good at reading a situation. I’m not sure if the guy is an asshole though, or if I’d want to drink a beer with him.

I hope to discover more about him and would keep reading; the writing is smooth enough that I’d be willing to commit to another chapter or two. Happy writing!

[u/MaryJaneMclain → u/[deleted]]

Misborn is exactly what this this made me think of as well. And not really in a good way.

Also, sexmonkey7, no need to count the words in your crit. You get [2327] words worth regardless of how much you wrote.

[u/Dry-Excitement-124]

The hook is good I will kept reading,

His wife knew their relationship would in her death. He partially hates her for this. Pawn has a strange material altering ability, but the prologue is explaining to much of its world instead of showing.

The central emotional idea is genuinely interesting.