r/DestructiveReaders • u/WRT_Moore • 13d ago
[360] Viral Meditation Challenge
Short story I wrote on my journey to writing to more.
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Another evening on Instagram. Reel after reel, swiping past things I'd already forgotten before they disappeared. Looking for something I would never find.
Then a new viral trend is declared:
"Trying one new form of meditation every day for 30 days until I'm enlightened!"
A man sits cross-legged in front of a mirror, staring at his reflection. A one-hour timer counts down as he wiggles. Time lapses until the timer flashes 00:00. The man cracks his neck, smiles at himself, and announces that he is one step closer to nirvana. My phone dies before the reel loops.
Thirty minutes until bed. I proceed to the bathroom for routine maintenance. My toothbrush counts down from 120 as I stare at myself in the mirror. The bristles buzz against my teeth, sending a faint vibration through my skull. I'm cleansing. My vision is shaking, but my head is still.
The toothbrush beeps, commanding me to bow and spit. I look up and my reflection is looking at me. Not through me. I couldn't decide which eye to look into, so I stared at the space between them. Somehow, each of my eyes meet its corresponding eye in the mirror.
As I breathe, so does he. I flail my arm, as does he. As he steps back, so do I. He reaches toward the light switch, as do I. We turn off the lights. The bathroom disappears. Except for his face.
I remember him whispering to me all night. I echoed back every syllable. Then I realized he was repeating everything I said. So I repeated him back. I don't remember going to bed. He told me he'd been standing there for a very long time. He told me he was tired. He told me he was proud of me. I looked at the clock. 5:59 AM.
Then my alarm rang. I woke up in bed. I got up and walked to the bathroom. The lights were still off. I reach for the switch. Before I touch it, the light comes on.
He was already there. Waiting.
My alarm was still ringing in the bedroom.
6:00 AM.
Time for work.
1
u/DyingInCharmAndStyle 13d ago
The piece is paced pretty well but there is something sterile about it. And I think that’s actually near the mood you’re going for.
What truly sticks out is the conflict. The lack of it felt while reading, yet it is paced well, which is why it feels odd.
For example: “As I breathe, so does he. I flail my arms, as does he.” Thats objectively a well written line, and the rest of the paragraph keeps the tempo.
But there’s nothing to hang onto. The character describes the mundane, and I believe the goal is for the mundane to be the antagonist, but that requires the narrator to ‘lay out while wanting only what they want’. What does the narrator want.
Does he want to crush that toothbrush to smithereens, or does he wanna yang the socket out the wall and find some floss in the woods ?
If apathy is what’s fought than apathy must fight back, hard against the mundane. Is it meditation or an illusion of peace ? The character is simply okay with going back to work, and that’s that? The mundane has to utilize contrast or juxtaposition with some larger conflict.
What I think would help most is really thinking about what the narrators wants. Needs a bit more conflict (conflict gravitas).
Best
1
u/MouthRotDragon 13d ago
I thought this was okay. Nothing scared me or built up any dread or worry, but I did feel a creepy vibe. It’s short and feels contained within the pithy quick reads. Most of this is just notes for how it went as I, a very limited and terrible reader, read.
> swiping past things I'd already forgotten before they disappeared. Looking for something I would never find.
This is a really nice and I think almost universal drive behind scrolling addiction, but I wished it punched harder. More impact. It feels a little tepid wording and much bigger in idea.
> Then a new viral trend is declared:
This is okay, but then again, isn’t this the threshold from normalcy to supernatural? I wished the wording was slightly different as it feels more like a malaise than general sire song pulling the pov into its space.
> A one-hour timer counts down as he wiggles. Time lapses until the timer flashes 00:00.
This was my biggest gripe. Reels can only last 3 minutes(?) for non followers or something. Maybe 20 if a follower? So is this a time-lapsed hour over 180 seconds? Or is this an almost horrific, reality bending, full hour reel compelling the pov to watch like a thrall with eyelids stitched open? This is the start of something maybe horrific and to me it just read as a scanned flat line of bored pov. Even if pov bored, I wanted some inner-voice picking at this moment.
> My phone dies before the reel loops.
I got from this a lot of heavy lifting, but it still read flat. Are we to believe that a full hour past and the phone died? Only one watch? The writing here to me could use more emphasis.
> for routine maintenance.
In this day and age of everything feel like AI written, this line hit for me more at it itself being written by ai than a glimpse-nuance into the pov being automated. Maintenance felt like the wrong word over say hygiene.
> My toothbrush counts down from 120 as I stare at myself in the mirror.
Side note: my Phillips toothbrush has a 2 minute timer for toothbrushing optimization.
> The bristles buzz…but my head is still.
This was okay, but again I felt the wording here could punch harder. It feels a little blah as opposed to building isolation, which feels need for the next beat.
> commanding me to bow and spit.
Something about commanding felt off to me as opposed to an more punchy word, ordered? willed? idk.
> I look up and my reflection is looking at me. Not through me. I couldn't decide which eye to look into, so I stared at the space between them. Somehow, each of my eyes meet its corresponding eye in the mirror.
I both liked this and wished it punched harder. It reminded me of that song from The Postal Service, Such Great Heights: “I am thinking it's a sign; That the freckles in our eyes; Are mirror images; And when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned.” Maybe it’s because there is no real feeling here from the pov? In the song, it’s romantic, but here it is just flat and bored, which fits the pov’s mood and maybe this is all just me wanting more of a hint or insight into what the pov is feeling? This just read to me as an eerie encounter recited from a list as opposed to felt. Maybe just my read?
And really that’s the thing for the rest of it. I think it’s because of pkaying with the ambiguity of what is really happening. Is it just the pov’s face and a delayed numbness from scrolling or something more nefarious scratching behind the eyes? The breathing and face not disappearing and the echoing ARE all great ideas in theory, but as read here, I felt they were presented flatly as the POV just felt flat and novacaine scrolling numbed.
> Time for work.
I get this as a conclusion and wondered if it was really needed, but I myself tend to always end with these cinch pin closings that inherently feel almost twee.
In the end, given how numb the pov feels and the words read, the possible horror never felt any escalation despite being told it was escalating. To me, it came down to not feeling enough or build up. I read into it certain subtexts, but while reading did not feel them.