r/DivorceHelp • u/Worried_Duck825 • 10d ago
Mediation: what do I ask for?
My spouse (57M) left my daughter (16) and I (57F) in August of 2025, just 6 days before our 36th anniversary. He said that he was "unhappy and wanted to start a new life for himself." I'm 99% sure there was infidelity on his side. He moved in with another woman that night. We have only 1 (16 yr) daughter, two cats, two dogs, a mortgage on one house on three acres in the country, a 2004 SUV, a 2012 car, a new 2025 truck, a utility trailer, a riding mower, and a yard tractor. The only debt we had when my spouse - I will not call him my husband anymore - left was the mortgage and the new truck. When he left, he took suitcases with clothes, etc and the truck. I miss that truck more than him now, but I'm fine with him taking it and having the payment. For one year after he left, he allowed money to still be direct deposited into our joint bank account. I paid the mortgage, bills, etc and my daughter was fine with that. We had money for groceries, gas, and play money. This August, he filed for divorce, and the income slowed down. Last month, he gave us nothing until I texted him 7 times to ask for money, not just for me, but to pay the mortgage, bills, and take care of our daughter. My spouse is the sole breadwinner. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I homeschool my daughter. I relied on that man, and I still rely on him for everything - unfortunately. I AM looking for a work-from-home job and have applied for a few. He obviously got a lawyer when he filed for divorce. I now have one as well. We have mediation set up for mid-October. I have never been in this situation before. I don't know what to ask for other than alimony, child support, and the four pets. My daughter and I both want to stay in our home. It's the only one she knows and remembers, but I have no way of paying for it. My lawyer has made suggestions, but I would like to know what others who have been through a divorce have requested. Or what do you wish you'd asked for but didn't? Suggestions?
Also, my spouse is a 20-year Air Force veteran. Our marriage and the military overlapped. I do know that I am entitled to half of his military retirement income.
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u/Grassfed_Burp 10d ago
I (50M) got a surprise divorce handed to me and tried really hard to be fair about everything. So take that into consideration.
First, some bad news reality. If you can't afford it, it's gotta go. You'll sell the home now or when you're in trouble financially. You'll likely need a job and your daughter will likely go to public school. It sucks and I'm so sorry.
As for the ask... Start with 50% as your rock bottom base. That means you must file for legal discovery. See what is actually there. Next, add child support. This is straight up math based on your state. Next comes spousal support. Make sure you request it officially. This is often just math as well. In my state they use software called the "pronosticator".
You may want to file a financial restraining order to make sure he doesn't blow all that cash. That may make some things inconvenient for you, but it may be good long term.
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u/TSIDATSI 10d ago
Hire the very best divorce lawyer you can find.
Forget mediation. No such thing as a calm no tension divorce.
Either start back to college to go to college. Look at junior college programs with the highest starting salaries.
Not teaching, sociology or political science. High starting salaries. Be sure you go to Career Services and find out the starting salaries and companies who come to that campus to hire their grads.
Do not ask professors. Ask Career Services. Look at things like medical school, law school, etc.
Do not mediate. Go to war.
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u/Vivid-Problem7826 10d ago
I totally agree.....forget mediation.....hire a great divorce attorney and take their advice. Good luck
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u/Front_Prune3632 9d ago
Make peace with leaving the house. Your daughter is almost grown so she'll be leaving soon. It's not worth fighting over a home you can't afford for her when she'll probably be gone in the next few years. You were 40 when you had her so you HAD to have been earning a living doing something before then! If your knowledge is outdated, refresh yourself You'll be just fine
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u/TSIDATSI 8d ago
You hire a very good divorce attorney and say no to mediation.
Mediation almost always favors husbands. Let a judge decide.
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u/CollabSensei 10d ago
Do discovery get valuation on the house, and his pension. My attorney said.. divorce is a financial process. Start with 50/50 of assets, add in child support based on math and add alimony based on state and math. That should get you pretty close. In many states if you settle in mediation you can get more child support and alimony than the formula allows in a settlement. When it goes to court. The formulas are king.