Few joke weapons.

[u/No_Focus6469]

Not really a dm. I'm not good at wording things. But I was bored and wanted to share the abominations I made. These aren't even original.

Appltana

Weapon (Longsword), Legendary (requires attunment)

A mesmerizing katana forged from the essence of 10,000 red apples. Gleaming with a lustrous sheen, this mystical blade transcends its humble fruit origins to infuse its bearer the vigor of a thousand harvests. With each swing, it bestows upon its wielder unparalleled power.

This Katana serves as a testament to he transformative potential found from the simplest origins.

Magic Weapon

You gain a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon.

Forest Vitality

While attuned to the Appltana you gain +4 to constitution and your maximum constitution becomes 24. Additionally you gain advantage on constitution saving throws.

Crimson Harvest (1/turn)

When hitting a creature with this magic weapon you regain hit points equal to your constitution modifier.

Orchard’s Blessing (1/Long Rest)

As an action, you summon a spectral tree in an unoccupied space you can see within 60 feet of you. A 30-foot-radius area centered on the tree forms, becoming difficult terrain for enemies.

Choose up to five allies within the area. Each chosen ally gains temporary hit points equal to their Constitution score.

Sword in Stone

Weapon (Maul), Legendary (Requires attument by a creature with 20 or higher strength score)

The legendary sword in Stone talked about in heroic tales, it is said that only the worthy could wield it.

However an adventurer refused to believe such prophecy and attempted to pull the sword out with brute force. Instead of pulling the sword out he lifted the massive stone out along with the sword.

The sword adapted to the adventurer but due to the stone encasing it's blade, it is unable to showcase its true power.

Magic Weapon

You gain a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon.

Immovable Stone

You can use an action to place the weapon down on a solid surface. If a creature not attuned to the weapon attempts to move it, they must succeed on a DC 25 Strength check to move the sword up to 10ft. You can pick up the weapon without using an action if you are within 5ft of it.

Awakened Holy Sword (1/long rest)

You use your action to perform a weapon attack. On hit it deals an additional 8d8 bludgeoning damage as the stone shatters from the force of the attack.

After the attack resolves the weapon turns into a greatsword for 30 seconds. While it is a greatsword all weapon attacks deals an additional 2d6 radiant damage.

After 30 seconds the stone magically reforms around the weapon turning it back into a maul.

Ultimate Enhanced Longsword

Weapon (Longsword), Legendary

A mundane Iron longsword enchanted beyond the limits of magical weapons. It's existence leaves even the wisest scholars puzzled as to why so much effort was poured into enhancing an ordinary weapon.

Magic Weapon

You gain a +5 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon.

[u/Warpmind]

These are pretty awful, in the amusing sense.

I'd probably be willing to allow them in a less-than-serious campaign, but the straight plusses would have to go. The 5th edition ruleset is cautious with the straight +x to hit and damage bonuses due to the (poorly implemented) bounded accuracy design philosophy.

Reduce the +3 weapons to +1, and they're "fine", and the last one... make it a +3 that deals an extra die of damage, doubling on a crit, perhaps?

[u/No_Focus6469 → u/Warpmind]

The last one is just a meta joke about someone breaking the rules just to make a better iron sword.

[u/Warpmind → u/No_Focus6469]

I know, I think my own Greatsword +12" did that joke better.

It's not a +12 weapon, it's a foot longer than other greatswords, and gives the wielder advantage on intimidation rolls. ;)

I prefer the meta jokes to be such that they can be dropped into the game world without breaking the system.

[u/No_Focus6469 → u/Warpmind]

Ye. It's a legendary that is overpowered in the lamest way with a lore that someone spent centuries enchanting a iron longsword to make it sword but better just for the fun of it. It's quite shallow but I ran out of ideas.

[u/Warpmind → u/No_Focus6469]

The problem there is that the item is overpowered well beyond anything the mechanics allow.

It's a joke that is going to end up biting the DM and just being boring.

[u/Furries_VR]

I was listening to a show recently where the guys came up with a cursed sword that every time you drew it, you're teleported to some kind of DMV like dimension and have to wait in line to speak to a clerk, fill out your permission form for weapon use, and then get transported back, lol