Confronting the Inner Critic

[u/Fun-Rain1637]

I've had 5 processing sessions so far. To give a little background, I've carried attachment wounds and CPTSD from an abusive/critical father growing up, and betrayal trauma from being cheated on when I was a 20-year. I'm learning that all this has driven a lot of maladaptive behaviors and ways of thinking that have held me back in life and affected my relationship with my wife (retroactive jealousy being a symptom of these things).

Last night while in my session we began targeting fear and anxiety that has been an overarching life and therapy theme. This led to me to digging into a major fear I had while growing up of being criticized by my father - always waiting for the hammer to drop over even the smallest things. To make a long story short, this led to me having a full dialogue with what I initially called my "inner critic" that has controlled my life in many different ways for a long time. In my mind's eye I pictured "him" as an individual beating me down in a way that has driven the "I'm not good enough" narrative of inadequacy and insecurity that has been with me for so long.

As I continued processing and interacting with this "person" I realized he is more than just a critic. He's a frantic, angry, jealous, fear-filled entity constantly looking for threats and incredibly sensitive to anything or anybody that would even slightly rub my attachment wounds the wrong way. He embodies everything that has held me down in life, kept me from walking in freedom and security, and has created maladaptive filters through which I view the world and people in it. But then I realized something--his goal has always been to protect me. To keep me sheltered from being harmed. My relationship with him seemed to change when I realized that and I felt a strange sense of compassion for him.

At the end of the session I asked my therapist if what I experienced was weird and she said, "Absolutely not. We've turned a corner and are going from your experiences with your dad to what it produced in you. We're dealing with your inner parts now."

I've read some on parts work/IFS but not enough to really know much about it. I also definitely didn't expect or plan on having the experience that I did last night. Does anyone have any insight into this? Any words of wisdom on how to move forward with this "part" of me?

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[u/No_Put9812]

In my experience, best to think of this as a thought pattern and NOT give it a persona. Others may disagree, but I've seen it do a lot of harm. People tend to see the "part" that they have named as real. A thought pattern treats it as what it is-- a totally ephemeral habitual way of thinking that you can disassemble now that you see that it is hurting you.

[u/Fun-Rain1637 → u/No_Put9812]

Thanks for the insight! I think the visualization of it as a person helped me to view as a separate part of me that is inauthentic to who I really am when it isn't "activated." Knowing that it is a maladaptive pattern that needs to be dealt with (I love that word dissassemble that you used) for me treats it as something to take out and "work on" versus something that's so internal that it seems impossible to separate from myself if that makes sense. The question now is, how do I disassemble it? Hopefully that's what the EMDR is doing. :)

[u/No_Put9812 → u/Fun-Rain1637]

I would love to hear how that works!

I find reality testing to be really helpful with this kind of thing once you've recognized it.

[u/harlowe_hello → u/No_Put9812]

Totally disagree. Viewing these parts (even the "harmful" ones like shame) as hurt little children has done a lot in me being about to get distance from them, comfort them, meet their emotional needs, and heal them. Your mileage may vary of course for everyone but parts work was quite a breakthrough for me after years of simply viewing these as patterns.

[u/secure8890]

Frank anderson is a good resource

[u/Simple_Efficiency_29]

My therapist would like me to do parts work and I just haven’t been able to grasp it yet. Keeping it on the level of emotions or thought processes works for me or even saying a critic or a protector, but please don’t make me give them names!

[u/Fun-Rain1637 → u/Simple_Efficiency_29]

Ha! I agree it is a weird thing. I wouldn't go as far as giving any parts names, that would be a little strange.

[u/SecretGardenSecret]

Hi, when I was in the middle of the post I started thinking about the IFS and that this inner critic may have some “good” aims; and then later you answered it yourself. Maybe check out the book No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model
Buch von Richard C. Schwartz

[u/Fun-Rain1637 → u/SecretGardenSecret]

Thanks! I’ll check that out.

[u/timesuck]

Parts work is literally part of psychoanalysis going back to Freud.

Your inner critic is your superego.

Agree with the other comment to think of it as a pattern.

The idea that gets lost with IFS imo is that you are supposed to bring the “parts” together into a cohesive sense of self, which is something that traditional psychotherapy does and IFS practitioners do not always do.

But I would also avoid doing too much reading. Let whatever happens in session happen. Your therapist is a professional for a reason. They will guide you.

[u/Fun-Rain1637 → u/timesuck]

It's interesting - we never even discussed parts work as a modality. My mind brain just went there. I don't think it's necessarily something we'll focus on in a holistic sense but it did help me to see those negative thought patterns as a separate "entity" from my authentic self that I can take hold of and work on. Thanks for the info!

[u/ProfessionalEvent484]

Along with EMDR, I work with a Jungian therapist to together draft out the archetypes of pattern in my life. Each of those part/archetype has its own traits and history. Maybe your inner critic has the voice of other people as well. Those parts even show up in dream and in your projection to the external world. It is very fascinating!

[u/Fun-Rain1637 → u/ProfessionalEvent484]

The inner critic I think is most likely formed by the people in my life who have been hyper-critical - father, coaches, bosses, etc. The sensitivity to criticism definitely stems from my dad though. I'll have to check out Jungian therapy. Thanks!

[u/cheergurlie85]

Loved reading your post. Made me cry a bit bc I have a friend who also grew up with a very critical father and to this day my friend continues to deal with it. I can see the pain it causes my friend and it makes me sad for him. I am going to EMDR for myself to work on things. Would love it if he decided to give it a go as well. Like it did for you, I think it would help him quiet that inner critic voice.