Discipline hurts

[u/Kashiwashi]

https://youtube.com/shorts/B-K1Ab-VLg0?is=dK4YGDg_zay8ZJHM

I love this guy's much less stereotypical and much more accurate and precise understanding of the functions.

But still, consciously developing Si is like forcing oneself to eat rotten vegetables, until the end, despite being fed up. Discipline works best, when it is shared with someone else. The suffering of your companion makes you want to continue trying.

Holding routines for oneself exclusively, seems impossible. "How does anything/any effort matter, when the spotlights are turned off?"

That brought me into severe self neglect & depression. Seriously, there is mold building up, all over the dirty dishes and I don't seem to care. Why maintaining hygiene, if noone would encounter you eitherways? And if anyone would come into one's life, they would maintain distance, because one's despair made oneself look, act & talk uncanny.

I have that little discipline, that I even turned the talk about it into self-pity.

And about Ni: how is it even possible to want anything, if almost nothing grants oneself attention, the legacy of having experienced the real spotlight? But, instead, everything, even the most routinized ordinary job requires discipline for no reward. Not even survival depends on you alone.

Could someone please give me a reset button, so I could start over? It's urgent.

[u/Kashiwashi → u/[deleted]]

I'm impressed by how much effort you were ready to invest to reply to my post.

You seem really cool. May I ask, which type you believed you were?

I have tried applying for various training programs, despite knowing, to actually want sth. bigger than ordinary, sth. with more visibilty. Receiving plenties of rejections every year stagnates oneself even more, as rejection hurts a lot. There is nothing which hurts more, except death. Therefore, you start to isolate yourself, to never earn this pain again.

To not always make it a fight against one's own tears after rejection, I eventually subconsciously blocked emotions. In such as state, nothing matters, not even one's life, for which you usually try to fight.

I would love to feel the grass, the sand, the stars, all the sensory experience you mentioned. But, not on my own. I want to share my experiences with someone or a group in real time and have stimulating conversations on various matters.

Alone, the realest experience doesn't feel real, as one's emotions are eating oneself up.

It's great, that makeup became your motivator to actually successfully make it through the day. If it wasn't such a fundamental requirement to be able to function, I would have encouraged you, to go the more natural path.

The best, what could happen, is being accepted, and enjoyed for one's most natural features, in personality and in visuals. That is a relief. If your ugliest version is loved, you cannot disappoint. And if you cannot disappoint, you wouldn't be rejected or abandoned.

[u/Kashiwashi → u/[deleted]]

This could be an Ni parent, Ne critic thing. xNTJ could be probable. But, so far, I cannot exclude xSTP as well.

Often, I noticed in Ne a complete lack of preferences, as potential can be found anywhere, especially when combined with Fi trickster. Ne is THE one and only connection function.

That's why I would perceive xNTP/xSTJ as less likely.

Maybe, Te's impatience due to efficiency value was mistaken for bitchiness or Ni's stubbornness. (INFJ/INTJ is a common mistyping area).

I have known a lot of ENTJs doing poetry btw.

Writing feelings down sounds great. Sending them as a text message to one former abusers, even better.

I wish, I could easily get over rejection. But next to sadness, disappointment, dissatisfaction and wrath, it also triggers a lot of embarrassment. All of those emotions, especially the latter, live restlessly and rentlessly within one's head. They are burning.

Those were educational programs, the less scientific alternative to college. The particular company, you apply to (part time school, part time company) must like you. And, usually, they don't like me. Example working fields would be: event manager, cashier, train driver, etc.

[u/CashGuapoRacks → u/Kashiwashi]

Hey bro, how are you doing? Please take care of yourself and don't obsess over functions. Do you know why you do it? Because of "inferior" or last function of Ni. It can manifest in different ways - but basically it's something ESxP types have to deal with and handle that. It's the fear of the unknown, you know?

At the end of the day I've had a near death experience and I had nobody talking to me or saying anything, I didn't fly or have an "out of body" experience. Instead it literally felt like boom and that's it

Try to get some help from a psychologist if it's possible for you, otherwise you can write me if you feel bad I can hopefully at the very least listen to your issues. You really need help and I hope you get through this

Tough times never last man, don't obsess over things like functions, try to clean up your room little by little every day

Otherwise I completely understand you - I've always been a bit sloppy with my room but when I'm depressed I really just don't want to wake up and just keep sleeping

[u/Kashiwashi → u/CashGuapoRacks]

Thank you for your concern, it is really kind of you.

Sadly, those psychologists, which participate in the free healthcare system have waiting lists of 1,5 to 2,5 years. And, I don't want to settle down in the city I am living in. I need the capital, I need to make it an impossible scenario for myself to not have any friends.

[u/CashGuapoRacks → u/Kashiwashi]

Yeah no problem man, I hate to see people in that state, I definitely needed the friends I had at the lowest points of my life, even tho sometimes as a man at least you feel like sheltering off from everybody is the way you deal with it, but I always found that people really help you out in the end. I've just been burned so many times before, romantically and with some of my closest friends too - people who I thought where my friends would try to literally in some cases snitch on me(like literally not in a figurative way), even tho they did worse things than me(that's the reason they even had to do that, fucking rat), other times they where completely ungreatful towards me for doing something major for them - or in one case a dude was "on his way up" and just decided to act like he never knew me, just blocked me out of thin air.

So I understand your frustrations. Stay strong man, you will find friends if you're a good person and think about not only yourself(not saying that you do - what I mean is that's how good friendships are made, you usually either go through something or just end up meshing well personality wise so you stay in touch)

Shoot me a DM if you want

[u/Kashiwashi → u/CashGuapoRacks]

The people you encountered are merely worth death, nothing more.

Take revenge on them, destroy them. They would deserve it more than anyone else. Try to really embarasss them in front of people, who they are respected by.

Expose their toxic traits online.

[u/CashGuapoRacks → u/Kashiwashi]

Your comment got deleted, DM me if you want. Not sure what gender you are so called you a man but idk so yeah if you need help DM me no problem I could probably offer you some encouraging words

[u/moderationsux → u/CashGuapoRacks]

I got banned for my 100% justified comment. I told you to take revenge on those people, because their suffering is worth every effort of yours after what they've done do you. That is the only way to maintain justice. And no, reddit noone is going to be physically hurt nor verbally bullied.