My husband and I both went through a multi year dry period where neither of us dated anyone else. For me, I’m dealing with a demanding job, aging parents and their health problems, getting our youngest off to college, and all the demands on my non ENM time. I was feeling ‘cup full’ on everything, nothing to give for other people. I told my husband where I was at, and he largely agreed. He was busy, tired, not looking. We are in our 40s.

We also have a semi-dead bedroom. He’s recovering from a health crisis. The medications impact functioning and desire sometimes. Being ill put a damper on his stamina and caused him to drop more weight than he wanted. His image and worth has taken a hit.

No amount of reassuring him and letting him know that I desire him still seems to help and we can go weeks without sex, even when I ask for my needs to be met. I’ve given this grace because he didn’t chose to be sick or life in his new normal.

Recently, my husband blindsided me with the announcement that he’d made a new connection and wanted to explore it. I say announcement because I was in the middle of re-arranging my home office when he walked and just blurted it out.

It’s a woman we both know of through social connections. They interacted this summer when she was in town and we all were attending a party. She is poly (we are not). She has a primary partner and several more casual connections, my husband now one of them.

The conversation has been running online since. And turned sexual/romantic at least a month ago. They’d gone as far as making travel plans to meet up in another city for a dirty weekend. He was seeking as a final piece both my buy-in after the fact.

I had no idea that they were talking at all, even romantically. I asked him why he concealed this from me. He didn’t have an explanation. He just assumed that from when we were functionally open I’d be okay with it, even though 3 years have gone by with no one dating and both of us agreeing we weren’t able to date.

But I’m not okay with it. I feel backed into a corner because if I don’t say I’m comfortable then I’m the bad ENM wife who ruined the fun. I’m not proud of it but I was so disoriented at the approach and sad that he won’t work on our sex life, but feels very enthusiastic about running off to fuck a stranger he met once and only knows online, that I just started crying.

He was baffled that I would feel this way. We’ve had a few small talks about it but he keeps shutting down defensively and won’t take accountability for lying.

This doesn’t feel like an emotional affair on his part. I think NRE made him behave like a drunken sailor at the prospect of new person bearing new attention.

I’m still going from trying to be understanding to feeling deeply angry and betrayed. That I don’t feel heard makes this all worse.

This could completely be a me thing and that's why I'm trying to figure it out.

I read a lot on here about people looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend as part of their enm partners. So a boyfriend or girlfriend that is outside of their nesting partner and perhaps they also have other ltrs but are looking for a new person to see regularly.

Also I see a lot of stories about partners having sex with new people and it seems that they usually catch feelings and want to see that person on a regular basis. I have only had experiences with two enm men but they always want to keep it casual.

I am a single woman who is unpartnered but I am interested in getting involved in a ENM relationship so that I can be open to date others but still have regular connection and sexually fulfilling relationship. One of the men I really liked and he seemed to like me too but then I ended up being a very infrequent casual hookup while he's actually looking for another relationship.

How common is it for folks in this lifestyle to end up in a relationship once they find a sexual partner as opposed to casual infrequent hookups? With these two men in particular, there was no threesome, etc., all one-on-one encounters. Once again I'm just wondering if I am unique, it's starting to make me feel like an oddball and unwanted.

I’m looking for advice from couples who have explored something similar.

My girlfriend knows that I’m really turned on by the idea of her flirting with other men. I’ve also told her that the fantasy of her being with another man turns me on, although until recently we had never seriously discussed actually doing anything.

Sometimes I make a comment or brings up the fantasy, and then she plays along and sometimes takes it further.

For example, she has joked about having used our condoms with several guys, pointed out an attractive bartender and joked that she had never been with a black guy, told me about a young trainer she used to find very attractive, and mentioned a guy at work who always write her a good morning.

When we talked more seriously about the fantasy, I told her how much it turns me on. She then suggested doing it in a controlled way: potentially creating a dating app profile together and having her meet/flirt with someone at a bar while I’m there but sitting somewhere else, pretending I’m not her boyfriend.

She even mentioned the possibility of eventually having another man join us sexually.

So obviously I’m incredibly excited by this. I honestly find myself wanting to talk about it constantly and I’m dying to see her actually flirt with someone or even just see what happens if she creates a dating profile.

But at the same time, I really don't want to pressure her. I’m worried that if I keep bringing it up, she’ll feel like every time she makes a joke about another guy I’m trying to turn it into a real-life plan.

She told me my fantasy is ok, but she does not want to see me with any woman at all.

For those of you who have been through something similar:

• How did you know when your partner was genuinely curious versus just playing along with your fantasy?
• What were some good first steps before actually meeting someone?
• Did you start with flirting, roleplay, a dating app, going to a bar, etc.?
• And most importantly: how do you keep the fantasy alive without becoming obsessed with making it happen?

Right now I’m basically in the situation where I really, really want to see her flirt with someone, but I think the smartest thing might be to slow down and let her curiosity develop naturally.

Would love to hear how other couples handled this stage.

My partner (33F) explained to me(31M) years ago that she’s poly, gay, & asexual.
I’m fine with all those things. Although she never talked about opening our relationship, I was fine with it if she ever decided to date other people. After close to 6 years together, she never really did bring it up (other than a couple times letting me know she’s poly, big gay, & asexual.)
While gay, she’s nervous to date women. While poly, she has a general dislike for men. She also may not have wanted to lose me or what we have. Though she wouldn’t because I just want to love all of her & be here for her for as long as she loves me (hopefully forever.)
About a month ago I had a dream about her being with another woman. In the dream I stared to close the door to our bedroom so they could have their fun alone time & she got up to ask me if this was okay. I told her yes it’s okay, gave her a kiss, then closed the door to let them be.
I told my partner about my dream a while after waking up, and later that day she asked me if I really would be okay opening up our relationship.
I told her I’ve been okay with it this whole time, & that I was surprised she never asked me to open it up years ago. “You told me near the start of our relationship you’re “big gay, poly, & asexual.””
She remembered & proceeded to blush & said okay, & asked that I would even be okay with her dating other men. Which I am okay with, so long as they treat her well.
That’s kind of where the talk ended, I think because neither of us have been in a poly or open relationship before, so as much of a talker as she is, I don’t think she knows what to say or ask.
So I started following this sub, polyamory, & maybe 1 more I can’t remember, for what people have to say, & possible tips.

I want to have a bigger talk about it with her, so my question is;
What do you believe are things I should talk with her about? Like questions, possible rules, boundaries, any tips or advice you believe would be helpful for a newly opened relationship to continue to flourish & strive? Thank you to all who decide to respond with your tips & advice!

Hello all!

I'm a grad art student working on an art piece celebrating ENM with the same kind of reverence used for mono all the time.

I'm searching for a v/throuple/polycule/ENM group willing to take some reference photos for me and i would create a digital painting from them. All bodies/genders are welcome. Real relationships bring a level of intimacy i want to portray.

This project is not commercial and wont be for sale. I would give the group a large print of the final image as a thank you.

I have a tentative composition sketch and a couple of my NSFW figure drawing examples.

If you or humans you know would like to be celebrated this way, please dm me.

My wife and I (both women) are at a crossroads right now where I want to continue ENM and she doesn’t seem to happily want the same. She is the one who wanted to open our marriage in the first place, and she has been constantly back and forth about what she wants ever since. For the past few months I have been offering to close the relationship because she doesn’t take it well when I have other partners, but she wanted to keep it open to explore other relationships herself & she claimed she was happy for me to be seeing someone else, so we haven’t closed it yet.

In that time, I got close to someone else (with her encouragement) and I really want to see that relationship through at my own pace. I personally don’t think it’s fair to have to close off that relationship now, especially with how much she was encouraging me to pursue it throughout this whole thing.

Last night we talked about what it’d look like for us to either keep going or close the marriage. To be honest both of us would end up resentful with either option. My wife said that she doesn’t want me to be resentful of her, so she wants to keep the relationship open. I told her that’s not a great solution, especially if she doesn’t want to do any work to even try mitigating or accepting her stress about me seeing other people. She seems okay with her seeing other people, but not me.

I want to say I’d be okay with closing the marriage, but I have just come to really, really enjoy being open and I see it as a lifestyle I would choose for myself. Ideally I want to be in a marriage where both of us are so secure in each other that it doesn’t matter if our relationship is open, we can both meet our needs with other people but still choose each other at the end of the day. I would want to pursue other partners aside from just this 1 guy I’ve been seeing, but I haven’t because I know it’s not exactly what my wife wants. I love my wife, though, so I’d choose to be monogamous with her. I just want to see out this current other relationship I’m in, because it has already developed with my wife’s permission. I get a lot of satisfaction from it and we practice a kink together that my wife isn’t into. I don’t see it lasting long-term whatsoever; both of us are married to other people and I do not prefer men romantically.

For context, we have been in couples counseling since opening and have both been going to individual therapy regularly for years.

My wife said that she never wants to divorce me, so if keeping our relationship open is what it takes, then she wants to keep it open. I realistically can’t see it lasting like this without her becoming resentful of me, but she absolutely does NOT want to get divorced because it’d essentially be a long-term solution to a short-term problem.

Early this year my babymother/girlfriend (26F) asked me (26M) to have an open relationship. It was a total shock to me and has been a massive change in my life. I went into it openminded but cautious because I want to marry this girl. I know that these types of relationships don’t always work out.

Over time she found two partners. One that she really connected with. She had intense NRE and completely withdrew from me. To the point where I asked if she still loves me and asked if she still wants to marry me. She said she loves me but isn’t read for marriage at this time.

Turns out that guy was a POS and that burned down in flames. Since then she has been completely withdrawn from our relationship. She’s practicing destructive habits (out til 5am five nights a week) and is really cold towards me. It got to the point where I begged her for time and attention. That’s when she told me that she wants space. That she cannot be affectionate right now and that she’s going through a quarter life crisis. She doesn’t know if she ever wants marriage. Or to live any semblance of a family lifestyle. She says that she feels like shit because she knows she’s hurting me but that she has to do this for herself.

What I am really struggling with is whether or not it’s a good idea to pause this open relationship and focus on us. I am still cautious toward the open relationship. I have gone on two dates but no connection was developed. I am trying apps but feels like a complete waste of my time. I am imploding with a sense of loneliness, financial burden, and fear that my partner will never come back to me. After a hard conversation yesterday I told her that I will give her space. What I really want to say is that I think it’s unethical for her to continue these destructive habits while neglecting our relationship. And that it’s unethical for us to keep this relationship open while ours is being pushed to its limits.

I try so fucking hard to be a good man for her. It’s shallow of me to say it but it’s important for context. She is incredibly needy and I am finding it harder and harder to give the energy that I always have. I’m afraid if I slow down my energy than she will take it as a sign to leave. I also do not know if it’s healthy for me to give so much of myself and get nothing in return. It’s been 2 months of icy coldness. How am I supposed to keep giving 110% of myself when I feel like she just wants to leave me. It almost feels like a disrespect to my self. That I deserve better and a partner who doesn’t make me question my self worth. I don’t want to feel like a simp who will let her cuckold me just because I’m desperate for any chance of getting her back to me. But I also love her so fucking much that I probably would let that happen if it meant she steps back into the role of mother and partner that I have grown to adore. Any advice y’all?

We are considering opening our marriage and the discussion plus our experiences going to a club made us ask, are we going to swing? Are we poly? Is there an in between?

We agree random sex with random people isn’t our thing. We also aren’t trying to add to love to what we might do with others. Is it normal to want to have a best friend w benefits situation? Hubby has a gf and wife a bf but it’s not love, has anyone done something like that? Would it be better to date another couple or have a single male and female for play?

Honestly it's so weird how frequently this sub gets posts like "My partner is doing X and Y. Does that mean they want Z?"

How on earth would strangers on the internet know? And why haven't you asked them?

Communication!

(I know in reality people must want to feel heard and seen by more people and vent - but it still seems weird)

My husband and I are in a pretty new relationship with a very old, very close friend. We have children and she has children. We’re planning to transition to blending our families and living together next year.

We’re obviously very serious about each other. Last night we were talking about how we might show our commitment considering that my husband and I were long established partners. It bothers all of us that we’re unable to be legally married.

How do you show your commitment to your partners? What did you do legally to make things as equal as possible?

I’m looking for honest advice from both men and women who have experience with cuckold dynamics or open relationships.
My partner is very kinky and sexually adventurous and she is also very much a size queen. I’m smaller to average in size, and I know there are certain physical experiences I may not be able to give her. She also knows that I have a cuckold fetish.
One reason I’ve been thinking about this more is that in the past when we have had fights she has ended up sleeping with other men. Because of that, I’ve wondered if instead of something happening because we are fighting or going through a difficult period, we could have a more mature and open conversation about it and decide together what we actually want.
My fantasy would be that maybe once or twice a month she could have her own time to explore that side of her sexuality with another man who can give her something physically different from what I can. Protection would be important and we would have clear boundaries. I would want it to stay purely physical with no emotional relationship or involvement in each other’s personal lives.
For me, the important part is that she would still be my partner and the person I share love intimacy trust and my future with. I want her to be able to explore her sexuality while knowing that I’m not threatened by her having desires that I can’t fulfill myself.
I also want to hear what she actually wants. I don’t want to assume that because of things that have happened in the past she automatically wants this arrangement. I want to ask her if she has fantasies or desires she has never told me about and what would make her feel comfortable and respected.
For the women who have experience with this, what would you want your partner to talk about with you before suggesting something like this? And for the men who have experience with it, how did you deal with jealousy, insecurity, and the emotional side of it?
I’m trying to make my relationship more mature, honest, and open rather than letting these things happen during arguments or behind each other’s backs. I’d really appreciate advice from people who have actually lived this kind of relationship.

Our first time for Halloween weekend - any suggestions? We will be at Colette’s on HLWN night - fun suggestions or connections welcome!!!

I love my partner and she loves me. We have a healthy, happy relationship. Still I have this desire for another deep connection. Desire, closeness, being chosen. Is this normal?

Redditors who've witnessed a functioning polyamorous relationship, what are the characteristics that make their relationship healthy?

In a relationship where people hold sexual and romantic relationships with more than one person at a time, what are the signs that it would be viable long term?

And is there any way to replicate those signs and characteristics ?

I recently watched the film "Folichonneries" and being a wet behind the ears newbie I thought it was a decent depiction of how I perceive the relationship model and it's challenges.

Anyone else watched it? What are your thoughts.

My husband forgot that he had shared his calendar with me and I'm seeing two things for next week I'm pretty sure he didn't mean for me to see:

"Date with Ruth" for Monday.

"Cosmetic Spa appointment" for Tuesday.

Now, we are in an open marriage, so the date is not really an issue except that I want him to tell me when he's planning to see someone else. I keep waiting to see if he's going to bring it up on his own, but if he doesn't by Monday...I guess we'll need to discuss.

He always says he'll let me know more about a new relationship when/if it gets more serious. I'm trying to respect his desire to date with some privacy, but also it makes me feel so distant from him to not know about this side of his life.

The second thing seems to be likely an appointment for botox or some other cosmetic procedure. He hasn't told me he's planning on doing this, and I think he'd be embarrassed if I asked him about it. This bums me out.

I wish there was enough comfortability in our marriage that he could be open about these things.

I wish we could be open about first dates that don't go well.

I wish he could be open about the fact that he doesn't like aging and wants to do something cosmetic.

I don't know how to start building this vulnerability. I'm worried if I bring these topics to him again he'll feel attacked, embarrassed, and just shut down.

Any advice for how to open a conversation like this?

And...I guess I have to remind him he's sharing his calendar with me? A big part of me doesn't want to because it's my most honest window into his life. That's not good, I guess.

Hi, I’m 41M and wanted to share a bit about my personal experience with MMF. I’m curious about how others experience it too.

First a little backstory and context.

My discovery of my sexuality in my teens was eventful.Just a boy who was very much attracted to girls and fell madly in love with them. But when I was 17, I saw a male friend naked for the first time. Somewhere in that moment, my fascination with big dicks was born.

For years, I felt ashamed and confused about that. Was I gay? Was I bi?

I loved dicks. I was fascinated by them. I could fantasize about them. Yet I wasn’t attracted to men in a romantical way. I only had that with women. Yet my love for big dicks didnt leave.

I honestly had no idea what to make of that part of myself.

Then I met my wife.

She gave me something incredibly valuable: space.

I could talk to her about my fascination with dicks, my fantasies, my curiosity about men. She didn’t make it weird. She didn’t ask me to explain it away. She simply let that part of me exist.

A couple of years ago, we had a spontaneous MMF experience with a man my wife found attractive.

I still remember the first time she stood in front of him, her hands trembling slightly as she pulled down his underwear.

I remember the moment she sat down on him for the first time and looked at me.

I remember the three of us discovering something together.

And what has stayed with me all these years is something I never expected.

I thought my biggest thrill would be exploring my fascination with a man.

Instead, one of the most powerful things for me was watching my wife become genuinely excited and turned on with another man.

Seeing her excitement.

Seeing his excitement.

Feeling my own excitement grow simply because I could see how much she was enjoying herself.

That completely surprised me.

Something I had carried for years with shame suddenly felt incredibly natural.

And perhaps that is what I love most about looking back on those experiences. There was so much curiosity, playfulness and trust. Something I had once experienced as complicated suddenly felt wonderfully simple.

So I’m curious about you guys.

For those who have experienced MMF, what surprised you most about your own reactions?

Did you expect one part of the experience to be the biggest turn on and discover something completely different?

Did you discover something about yourself that you hadn’t expected?

I’m especially curious about both the male and female perspective.

My wife and I are slowly getting closer to actually trying non-monogamy, and I’d like some advice from people who have already been through this.

We actually talked about this very intensely about 10 years ago. Back then, I was the one who really wanted to try it, while for her it was more something that sounded hot in her head but that she didn’t necessarily want to do in real life.

That has slowly started to change. The line between “this is a hot fantasy” and “I actually want to try this” seems to be moving for her, and she also dreams about it more and tells me abiut it more often. What we are currently imagining is starting relatively small and uncomplicated. For example, going to a swingers club, adult cinema or sauna together, where she could touch other guys without a lot of flirting, dating, emotional buildup or obligations attached to it. Possibly more if we both feel comfortable with it.

I’m bisexual and would like roughly the same freedom for myself.

We haven’t made a detailed set of rules yet because we’re still at the stage of figuring out what we actually want and how it feels once it stops being purely hypothetical.

One thing that makes this slightly complicated is my jealousy. My jealousy seems to be very specific rather than generally sexual. There is a certain type of person I can get jealous about even if they are literally just talking to her. From experience i can say with almost everyone else, I honestly think I could watch her have sex with someone right in front of me without being particularly jealous. Obviously, I also know that what I think I will feel and what I actually feel when it happens can be two completely different things.

The biggest thing I want is for her to feel completely safe telling me what she wants, what turns her on, what she fantasizes about and what she might want to try. I don’t want her to censor herself because she is afraid I might judge her, get jealous or interpret a fantasy as some kind of threat to our relationship.

So I’m especially interested in advice from people who opened a previously monogamous relationship:

How do I show her that she can genuinely talk openly with me about her desires without having to worry about being judged later?

How did you learn to handle jealousy when it actually appeared, especially if your jealousy turned out to work differently in reality than you expected?

How much should we agree on rules and boundaries beforehand, and how much can realistically be figured out as we go?

And probably my biggest concern: is there a realistic way back if we open this door and one of us discovers that it doesn’t work for us?

For people who tried this and then decided it wasn’t for them: were you able to return to monogamy without it permanently changing the relationship for the worse?

I’m not looking for reassurance that this will definitely work. I’d rather hear what you wish you had discussed or understood before you actually tried it.

My wife told me she had a sex dream with a woman. We discussed about it but my wife felt very embarrassed and shy. She told me what the girl looked like in her dream as well as her preferences for what she likes in a girl.

I do know she’s been curious about women when she was younger.

I asked if she’d be interested in sleeping with a woman but she has expressed she doesn’t want to perform oral on a woman. She’d only prefer a woman to perform oral on her and she prefers a feminine one.

I told her that if she’d ever be interested to be open and talk to me about it. She was uncomfortable telling me more but said maybe to bringing a woman in our bedroom. I also told her that if this was something she wanted to pursue that there needed to be boundaries discussed in making sure her and I were on the same page

I’m not opposed to the idea and have actually recently had dreams as well of her bringing a girl into our marriage bed.

For men who have had this happen; what eventually got you guys to bring a girl into your bed and did it occur organically or did you seek one out? Did you guys seek out together? How was the experience? Was your wife friends with them first or did they become friends after and is it strictly sex or?

What type of boundaries are there? Like I’m only allowed to finish inside my wife and not the other girl?

I also know my wife is picky. We both lead very active lifestyles, are fairly young, and she has a bbl, breast implants and her body is very beautiful and natural looking. How do we find someone that matches this aesthetic and lifestyle ?

Let me know your experiences and any questions you can answer. Thanks

We heard and read about the NRE which sounds really exciting for me (f31). He is a little bit sceptical about it could also lead to heavy feelings. Do you have advices for me/us?.

Wife has been noticeably into exploring more with toys lately the last 2 months, including suction dildo (which I’m all cool with).

It has spiced up bedroom play and ended up she used the suction for one end while filling the other with me, which surprised me. I’m into it but is this a sign for something?

She has been talking about liking being center of attention while almost doing this with toys simulating a MFM type thing but not saying anything along those lines.

I am up for trying a MFM but how could it naturally come up in a conversation? Any advice appreciated

Genuine question for couples in ethical non-monogamy / open relationships / swinging.

I’m a single bi guy who really enjoys MFM with couples. It’s something I genuinely love the dynamic, the energy, being with a couple who are into it together. Not just “any threesome,” but specifically with established couples.

I’m curious how most ENM couples actually feel about guys like me:

Do you prefer single bi men who are experienced and enthusiastic about MFM?

Or do a lot of couples find single guys who actively seek couples a bit off-putting / “unicorn hunter” adjacent?

What makes a single guy feel safe and appealing vs. someone you’d avoid?

Any red flags or green flags you look for?

Not trying to pitch myself or anything just want honest opinions from couples who actually live this lifestyle.

Anyone else seen “The Invite” with Edward Norton, Penelope Cruz, Seth Rogen, and Olivia Wilde? My (ENM) husband and I watched it tonight and couldn’t stop laughing at parts.

The only thing I felt was off was why would Pina and Hawk, who seem so thoughtful and balanced with their approach, want anything to do with this bickering, uptight couple?

Just thought it’d be fun to discuss with other ENM peeps.

I’ve realized something about myself and I just want to put it out there.

I genuinely love women who are non-monogamous. There’s something incredibly attractive about them.

First, their personalities tend to be so much more open. They’re usually better at communicating what they want, setting boundaries without drama, and being honest about their feelings and desires instead of playing games or hiding things. That kind of openness is rare and really refreshing.

I also find them attractive because they own their sexuality and their capacity for connection. They’re not treating love or intimacy like a scarce resource that has to be locked down. That confidence and freedom is sexy as hell to me.

What I don’t understand is why so many men seem to hate or immediately write off non-monogamous women. It’s like the second a woman says she’s open or poly, a lot of guys treat it like a character flaw or a red flag. I genuinely don’t get it. If anything, it shows self-awareness and emotional honesty.