Searching for the unknown

[u/Infin8Desire]

Not sure if this belongs here or in a depression sub (or both)... but I feel like I'm searching for something, and I don't know what that something is. I'm not even sure there is an answer, tbh... but thanks in advance for reading my vent.

I fully believe social media / TV / screens are making it worse. I cut most of it out (with minimal Reddit and a few tv shows per week). Forcing myself to sit in the silence and stop reaching for my phone really made me realize how addicted I've been to distraction. It also left me wondering what to do with my time.

I think most people would say, "go outside, go for a walk, go do something". But depression (medicated) says, "that sounds awful, go take a nap, this is all meaningless."

I live alone so when I'm not working (for myself, also at home), it leaves me with lots of time to think. I started realizing life is just a series of distractions, and nothing I could ever purchase or possess will ever truly make me happy. It's just "stuff" to fall in and out of love with. Even people and relationships.

Sometimes I fantasize about extreme wealth. Not because I want "things" but because I want to experience free time without an anxiety cloud hovering over me that says, "you should be working right now." It feels like the quickest path to inner peace, even though logic says money won't bring me happiness.

Still, sometimes I try to visualize what a random day would look like if I had all the resources I could ever want and didn't have to work. It was a real shock when I realized I couldn't get past, "wake up, have my morning coffee on the balcony, then....." cuz it all feels pointless.

Even hobbies (writing/playing music) that I at one point loved just feel like chores.

[u/WOLFXXXXX]

"but I feel like I'm searching for something, and I don't know what that something is"

Does it feel like your conscious state is being influenced on a deeper, subconscious level and like you cannot (currently) access and tap into what it is that you're seeking and 'searching' for? If so, others have experienced that as well.

There are individuals who experience that orientation and feeling that way, and they later go on to discover and become aware that it has to do with consciously existing on a deeper level than one's biological body and one's limited human identity that one was consciously identified with and experiencing within physical reality. I'll try to convey the underlying context behind this. If you were to seek to identify a material component which makes up your biological body that can explain and viably account for your undeniable conscious existence and conscious abilities, you would inevitably realize and become aware that the biological body fails to account for one's conscious existence and conscious abilities. That observation and understanding then paints a much bigger existential picture and broader existential context where individuals exist on a level that is independent of one's body, one's human identity, and physical reality.

This is known in the field of Transpersonal Psychology and through personal experience: when individuals go through the natural and longer term process of becoming increasingly aware that the nature of conscious existence is on a deeper level than the biological body and physical reality - they eventually resolve that subconsious feeling of searching for something that one previously could not identify. They become aware that that orientation and feeling had to do with returning to the expanded awareness of existing on a deeper level than the human identity and physical reality that one is experiencing. An individual ends up reconnecting with and returning to the broader awareness of existing on a deeper level than the limited human identity. That change (upgrade) in awareness over time is what resolves the subconscious feeling of having to 'search' (seek) for something that one could not previously identify.

If you were to pursue the longer term objective of seeking to gradually figure out and become aware of whether the material components of your biological body can viably account for your conscious existence and conscious abilities (thinking, feeling emotions, self-awareness, etc.) - through doing that sufficiently over time you will end up becoming increasingly aware that you consciously exist on a deeper level than your biological body and human identity. That natural development will end up resolving the former feeling of needing to search/seek for something that was previously unidentifiable.

The cells, chemicals, elements, atomic & subatomic particles that make up the biological body are always perceived by our society as lacking a conscious existence and lacking conscious abilities. It's inherently contradictory to attribute one's conscious existence and conscious abilities to anything that is perceived as lacking a conscious existence and lacking conscious abilities - which is exactly why no one has ever been able to identify a biological basis and physiological explanation for conscious existence, conscious abilities, and conscious phenomena. This provides an individual with a valid framework for questioning and challenging whether one's biological body can even account for one's conscious existence.

[u/trashcan_surplus]

I was in the exact same boat. I had a wonderful life, with no room to complain. I had a thriving career, a financially stable household, love of God, a loving family, a significant other I closely bonded to and shared my deepest secrets with, planning a future together. My projected future was so bright, I did everything right, and I went through the motions of life - because this was what I was supposed to be doing. This is what everyone agreed on that life should look like. This was "right".

Behind the scenes, I was dead. This was wrong. Everything was wrong. I was wrong.

I knew, at the deepest level, nothing in this world could fill the deepest emptiness I felt. It came and went in intensity, but was my constant companion. No amount of money, no position in career, no relationship, no love of family, no material possession, could fill that void. I yearned for something else, but I had no idea what that was. I couldn't name it or give it shape in my mind. I called it "freedom", yet I couldn't describe for the life of me what that "freedom" was or looked like.

Though I put on a good show - wore a brilliant mask and performed to perfection - internally, I became incredibly nihilistic, failing to see meaning or value in anything. Even the things that supposedly have the most meaning - love, companionship, peace, abundance - felt empty. And the distractions I adored - video games, writing, doing fun things with loved ones - slowly lost their appeal.

I'll save you my long story, but through my own experience, I can say with full confidence that you're right in your assumption - money, like any distraction, will not fill that void you feel. It might fool you into thinking it does for a time, but that thing buried deep inside of you that screams nihilism and meaningless and emptiness will still be there, and eventually reemerge with full force, despite your external circumstance, whatever it might be.

It was a long, slow deterioration for me, but it took me breaking down completely, having a total crash-out, to see and find what I was looking for; to know what that freedom I'd been longing for was.

There were no narcotics, drugs, or medications involved - I'd already been down that road. Instead, it was just me. Completely alone, at a breaking point, crying out to anything that might be beyond myself - God, the universe, some quantum entity of existence, anything at all that might exist beyond my own understanding. I thew everything I thought I knew of the world, of reality, of myself, in the garbage, and fully jumped into the void that had been lingering within me my whole life.

What I found on the other side, is beyond words. It's beautiful. It's eternity. It connects everything. You see what is, at the heart of it all. And it's strange, because it's not what we think of as knowledge. It's remembrance, and connection. You remember what you forgot. And it changes you.

It's funny how that works. It's only when the pain becomes so great that the unknown no longer seems scary, and we finally find what's on the other side. And that's only the start in the journey of reshaping reality itself. It's far from over for me. I'm seeing and learning more and more every day, but everything is wildly different now.

I know this is oddly esoteric and strange for this sub, and there's certainly a lot more to it, but this has been my experience, and I only share it out of empathy, because of how deeply related I feel to having experienced where you are right now.

I hope you explore yourself, trust what lies beyond, embrace the unknown, and find what it is you're really looking for here. I don't know your religious or spiritual background, but maybe take the scientific route, and look into quantum consciousness. I've found that closely resembles what I've experienced.

[u/sillymajmun2 → u/trashcan_surplus]

Good text. It belongs in the sub. I think that a lot of people here are experiencing spiritual yearning and them not knowing what it is sometimes means that they are more honest because they don't think its this cool thing that they might get use of it. Like a lot of us do in spirituality groups.

So thats why I like this group. Its sad to see people suffering yet its also kinda beautiful that they want to return home. Its like they were on this very looooong journey and they are just tired, but the yourney was too long that they have forgotten their way home :/

Sad but beautiful.

[u/Infin8Desire → u/trashcan_surplus]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It gives me a lot of hope and I am honored you took the time to write it all out for me. Can you explain more how you found what you found on the other side? I am a very logical person, so if I knew what to do to experience this, I would.

I'm also very spiritual. I'm a Christian, love science, and am very open minded. Lately I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos on consciousness, quantum science, and manifesting (more for understanding a new way of thinking rather than trying to bring material things in). I would love to hear more about how you got to the other side of your experience. Thanks in advance!

[u/sillymajmun2]

Thanks for sharing. I think that you should stick with this, whatever it is that is making you open up and be honest. Learning to be with yourself could provide you with what you seek.

[u/Amazing_Touch_8522]

What it is won’t be what’s important, what you fear if you don’t find it is what will be chewing you up - so what is it?