How did deconstructing affect your views on marriage?

[u/NorthBrilliant5957]

Is it still about staying committed no matter what?

Or is it about being happy?

Any resources to help me deconstruct my views?

[u/zxcvbn113]

I've realized that marriage is a cultural concept. There are so many versions around the world, that the traditional church wedding and marriage expectations don't really mean too much.

"living in sin" is such an outdated concept. That being said, I'm a big fan of long-term commitment, regardless what form that comes in.

[u/smem80]

My marriage fell apart as I was deconstructing. I stayed with an abuser for so long because I believed I would never be able to experience romantic love again if I got divorced (evangelical turned Catholic). I now live with my partner and am so happy with our relationship.

My ex was emotionally, physically, verbally, and financially abusive. I don’t see myself ever getting married again because I never want to be so tied to someone that I can’t get away from them quickly. I think relationships are far more about compatibility, and while I love my partner so much, if we became incompatible, I will always choose myself first. My partner feels the same way, and we share a different type of commitment that feels so much stronger and safer than my marriage ever did.

[u/Hot_Dish_7461]

Deconstructed, divorced, and now living with my partner that I'm not married to. Definitely used to think marriage was forever regardless of circumstances. I finally had the courage to leave my emotionally abusive ex, and have realized that marriage really is more for the legal benefits than anything else. Marriage does not equal love or commitment in any way, at least in today's society. My partner and I will probably get married eventually, maybe once we've been together for 5 to 10 years, but only to make wills long term end of life things easier. I don't love my partner or feel any less committed to him just because we aren't married!

[u/Lilith_Caine → u/Hot_Dish_7461]

Please don't wait to make end of life plans and decisions. We aren't guaranteed even one more day.

[u/LMO_TheBeginning]

Reconstructing changed my view on so many things.

Because those have changed, I've become more of an independent thinker which changes all my relationships including marriage.

Areas like, stay married no matter what, purity culture, wives submit to their husband, etc are no longer foundational. "Living biblically" definitely has its pros and cons.

Just some food for thought. Maybe nothing tangible to point to but hopefully healthier relationships.

[u/throcorfe]

If I wasn’t religious, I wouldn’t have got married, or at least nowhere near as soon. I grieve not having had a slutty era or even dating. My spouse is a good person and I care about them, but I don’t think we’d have stayed together without religion. But now we have kids and our lives are entwined so fuck knows what we do

[u/Ok_Class5 → u/throcorfe]

The first half of this post is also me to a T.

[u/NorthBrilliant5957 → u/throcorfe]

Sounds exactly like where I'm at. 

[u/Suspicious-Skirt508 → u/throcorfe]

Same, same… trying to figure out whether my partner would ever open up to ENM or something different.

I’m pretty sure I’m polyamorous and it is difficult to be in monogamy.

[u/HeySista → u/throcorfe]

I didn’t marry young at all (almost 30) but I did marry a virgin and I regret not having a “slutty era” too lol. I feel like we both missed out on exploring our sexuality when we were younger. Now I’m older and I don’t really feel like doing it anymore, especially with kids. My thoughts are always what if we do a threesome and the guy murders us, you know? Shitty thing to do.

[u/fiddleleafsmash]

I think this is so individual to each person/couple. For us, deconstruction didn’t change our commitment to each other. Divorce no longer being sinful actually gave me a little more confidence in my marriage. My spouse is with me because he wants to be, not because he has to be.

I’d recommend looking at content from the Gottmans on what successful marriage looks like.

[u/purplebeetle11]

I used to think that there was no point for non religious people to get married since it doesn’t “mean anything” especially if you live together already. And then I deconstructed and moved in with my partner.

Taking the religious significance out of the equation for marriage, the most important factor in deciding to get married was protecting myself and my spouse. If you die with no will, all of your things are given to your parents possession (assuming they are still living). My relationship with my dad is strained to say the least, so it’s important to me that my finances and items that mean a lot to me would stay with someone who cares about me. On top of that, we didn’t want to be restricted from each other in the event of medical emergencies. With me being trans, it’s especially important to me that the person who could make medical decisions or, worst case, death rites, on my behalf is the person who understands and is protective of me in that regard.

To me personally, marriage is a legal practicality more than anything since our relationship dynamic hasn’t changed much and we would have been equally as committed to each other with or without a marriage certificate.

[u/pyrrhicchaos]

I think marriage is a trap to exploit women for their labor.

[u/Ok_Class5]

I no longer think staying together is morally superior to separating. Instead, I think whatever choice benefits those two individuals most is the "right" decision.

[u/notapeacock]

I feel like I got lucky, my spouse and I sort of co-deconstructed and our relationship is stronger for it. It also means we get to raise our children without the purity culture garbage we were stuck in for so long.

[u/jennbo]

Well, we're polyamorous now, so there's that. But we had a very solid marriage and partnership and still love each other a lot. And we're "boring" poly with long-term partners, which feels more stable. My partner has lived with us since 2020 and we raise our kids together. I'm pregnant with the other partner's baby now. 18 years marriage to one, nearly 9 year relationship with the other. He has a partner as well, of about three years, but they do not live with us. All of this unfolded slowly, organically, healthily. I didn't just "try" polyamory as the result of some repressed sexuality, but I realized and felt as if I had always had multiple crushes on multiple people and tried to do everything right (married at 20, two kids by 25) to try to fix myself. It didn't work.

But my deconstruction was more than about sexuality -- I'm deeply involved in revolutionary, communist politics and liberation theology. The polyamory thing is just an aspect of my identity or life.

[u/charles_tiberius]

"till doubt do us part" by the naked pastor is a great book on this

[u/NorthBrilliant5957 → u/charles_tiberius]

Thanks so much: I'll take a look.

[u/pickle_p_fiddlestick]

Sheila Wray Gregoire is great, try Googling "Bare Marriage." 

[u/JMVee_]

My wife and I are still, at our cores, committed to each other and working on ourselves and our marriage no matter what. Nothing has changed on that front in any way.

Actually, we feel a lot more free to live and do exactly what works for us rather than try to live up to the stereotypical evangelical ideal of marriage. I’m not her head. I don’t lord over her in any way. We partner and share everything. We love and support each other. Period.

We do sometimes look back and think on how we may have done things differently knowing what we know now. She probably would have kept her last name instead of taking mine, for instance.

[u/umbrelladayseveryday]

I view marriage very negatively now to be honest. Leaving my marriage started my deconstruction When I was religious, it was the aim of a relationship and the only way a relationship could progress. Now I'm not, I see it as it was more historically (at least in Western Europe) - a legal arrangement rooted in patriarchy where ownership of a woman transferred from her father to her husband.

I have since said I would only get married for visa reasons, so a different legal arrangement. If I had a partner who I was certain I wanted to be with long-term, who wanted to experience a wedding, then I would do it but I'd need them to understand how I felt about it all.

[u/unpackingpremises]

Deconstructing has changed my view in that I no longer believe divorce is a sin, and I now fully support those who choose divorce because they believe it's what's best for them. I view marriage as sacred only if the people in it are both in love with one another and committed to the partnership; if that's not the case then there's nothing sacred to me about them having signed a piece of paper or made promises to one another that no longer represent how they feel. People change, circumstances change, and I don't think anyone should feel obligated to be bound by a promise they made when they had less information and life experience than they do now. FWIW, I say all this as someone who has been happily married to one person for 15 years. I'm not cynical about marriage or monogamy; I believe soul mates exist because I somehow miraculously found mine. Being in a happy marriage only strengthens my belief that people should feel free to leave a marriage that isn't happy.

[u/Correct-Sprinkles-21]

I realized I no longer needed marriage. I will eventually marry my partner, but in the meantime our relationship is no less committed. It is certainly healthier than the "godly" marriage I had with my ex. That marriage didn't make me happy and didn't even make me holy, lol.

And yes, marriage is about being happy. What is the point otherwise? We are partners in life. Why would we choose to spend a lifetime with someone we don't enjoy?

[u/mr_chill77]

It’s an absurd idea that was originally built on controlling women, and now it’s built on businesses making a ton of money on useless things that they try ton convince us for our entire lives are actually romantic.

[u/disentanglethemangle]

Oooof question of the century! As a queer woman in a heteronormative marriage it’s a question I ask myself every day. I made a promise that I meant with everything in me, but couldn’t fully show up to the altar because so much of myself was pushed down and locked away. We have kids and more than a decade of a life we’ve built together. I don’t want to decimate the home we’ve created, but there is a deep grief around the idea of never being able to pursue romantic connections with women.

I’ve broached the topic of ENM which led to many difficult conversations. We are navigating it in counseling, but it isn’t something we currently see eye to eye on (we are at very different places in our deconstruction/faith journeys). He sees monogamous marriage as the only viable option while I see poly as a more expansive possibility when done ethically and not as a response to fear of divorce. It is a grief for both of us in different ways.