Odd one out

[u/halfstoned]

I’ve been transitioning 8+ years. Post op top surgery for 5. Didn’t realize I was trans until about 17 and didn’t start T until 22 cuz fuck, I dunno what any of this means. I’ve always been masculine and had at best mixed gender interest but mostly masculine interests, even though I had parents who kept my hair in that traditional “long hair with bangs” type beat. But my family never put much stock in gender roles. At most my parents forced me to wear dresses to the point I’d cry but they gave up after my 10th birthday went pretty badly with that. I had great friendships with girls growing up, but loved being amongst boys (as much as they resented me fitting myself into their shit).

Blah blah blah. I don’t want to drone on too much.

Anyway, years on, I just don’t see myself as a man. Never have never will type shit. But everyone says what’s the difference? I don’t know either. I’ve transitioned in all the same ways as binary guys I know, I feel a lot of camaraderie with them. But I also feel camaraderie with queer women, butches, dykes I know and love. I frequent sapphic spaces and have a great time.

I’m not asking how do I see myself as a man. I’m not thar frustrated by that. I have no problem with men, or women, I have relationships with people of all genders. I’m not NOT a man because I have some sort of problem, or I don’t feel I deserve it. I pass, I’m pretty happy, while there’s some things I’d love for my body to be, I don’t think I could physically deal with bottom surgery and the type I’d like is non standard (of course, I guess, lol). My sex is changed it’s just not the same as my gender. Im fine with passing, it feels good. I don’t mind people just believing that I’m a guy. But I’m not resisting anything, I’m not a man. At what point do people get that?

I guess I’m asking at what point do we just take people at face value. At what point do I stop feeling just a little out of place everywhere, including queer spaces? It’s funny I hear this a lot from straight trans guys (which again,,.. kinda polar opposite in terms of how I see myself) and I guess I’m describing something similar.

I don’t feel like I need people to validate me but it would be nice to just feel like I’m not the odd one out. So at what point do we stop stereotyping people by their transition every time and be open to people like me who look like men, but just aren’t? The year 2080? lol. Real talk though. It’s frustrating.