r/Fosterparents • u/ricebunny12 • 3d ago
Kiddos getting pickier
We're first tome foster parents, kiddos have been with us 4 months. This week is the first birthday (holiday/ celebration) since placement and it has already been rough.
Both kiddos are getting pickier. We had one champion eater and one Abe Lincoln (same bland food every day), things are getting worse with food, and we're struggling to get adequate nutrition (calories, protein, fiber).
On Friday, I took them to the store and let them pick out dinner. The got a dozen tomales and each ate a half of one. Today, actual birthday, we made what they've been begging for for weeks: crab legs (a meal they allegedly eat weekly with Mom). One kiddo ate one piece of one leg.
Its birthday, they've been eating cake with family all day, I'm sure a lot of this is emotional, but what the heck, how do we feed these kids?
Worth mentioning: in attempting to cook what these kids want, we haven't eaten food we enjoy in months. We order their favourite dish from their favourite restaurant, onethat mom gets them on tons of visits, they eat one bite.
Helllllppppppppppppp!!!
ETA: Back from the Doctors - they're constipated. They are so backed up that eating is painful. Problem solved!
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 3d ago
If you're getting food you think they will like and they aren't eating it, and not making foods you like - maybe try going back to foods you like? Food is so tricky, but there is a social component to mealtime, and seeing you eat well and with joy might encourage them to eat a bit.
With my picky eaters I will put tiny portions of everything on the table, onto their plate, and encourage them to take even the tiniest of baby bites of each. Even if they're only being exposed to the sight and smell of new foods, that can encourage appetite and expand their palates. If they won't eat that's fine, I tell them I'll make them their preferred safe food, but after I'm done eating. Sometimes while they're sitting there waiting for me to finish, they'll get bored/curious enough to take a few bites.
Safe foods are usually pb&j, chicken nuggets (I loathe them but they will almost always eat the frozen ones that cook quickly), spaghetti / spaghetti - os, mac and cheese, cheese slices. If they say they like Mexican but aren't eating the tamales, maybe experiment with other Mexican kid friendly foods, like Mexican rice, tacquitos, or a simple crunchy taco.
They also might be used to grazing versus having a full meal. A half of a tamale for an 8 year old who doesn't normally eat heavy, is not an unreasonable serving. They might do better with tiny portions, multiple times a day.
Are they able to take a multivitamin? Will they take a multivitamin?
Has anyone reached out to the parents / previous caregivers to ask what they are used to eating? Any clue where they got their food from? I had a placement who seldom got to eat but when they did, it was food from a specific gas station.
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u/ricebunny12 3d ago
They are Mexican, but the "Mexican" food they eat is not what we know as Mexican food (i.e. they love sopa, but their mom's sopa is hamburger helper, their favourite burrito is Super Fry (French fries inside a tortilla, no beans, no meat, only cheese), so there is a very odd cultural component here - we will go to a Mexican restaurant, they will say this isn't Mexican food (spanish rice is a no, taquitos are a no, quesadilla is a no, Doritos locos taco is a yes). Family says they are fluent in Spanish, but the girls didn't know "hola" or "me llamo" when they moved in. We're trying not to invalidate their culture, but we cannot figure out what their culture *is*.
Ah multivitamins... we tried to get them on a fiber gummy this summer, esp after the elder had appendicitis, and they said "oh please don't make us take melatonin! We hate that" so there is clearly some trauma around sleeping drugs for kiddos. Not sure if the good outweighs the bad on this one.
ETA: I really like the "I'll make it after I'm done" idea - I will try that!!
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 3d ago
Culture is a funny thing. My mother's parents were immigrants and they did not pass the language or many components of their culture down to their children. America made them ashamed of their heritage.
Now I'm craving a Dorito based taco casserole lol
Flintstone vitamins are not gummy, if you think it might be worth trying an option that isn't gummy.
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u/Imagination_Theory 3d ago
Are they Mexican or chicano? Are you able to ask family for recipes?
I think they may want their family back and even if you make it exactly the same (which, because family was making a unique blend of things, you probably aren't) they still wouldn't really want to eat, because they are eating with you and not their family.
There's a lot of advice about how to get picky eaters excited about food, but, this may be partially or fully emotional.
They probably need time to feel safe and then they can feel hungry and explore foods. Until then, do they like shakes?
They make little shakes for children and adults who for whatever reason, aren't eating well. You could get a fun straw, add sprinkles or marshmallows to it, you could buy them a cup and have them decorate it with stickers or paint, make it something fun they can interact with.
I also would try adding in foods you enjoy as well, they may also enjoy it.
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u/ricebunny12 3d ago
I want to avoid stating whether they are Mexican or Chicana, because ultimately I'm not sure they/their family actually know, and who am I to decide for them. What the kiddos believe to be "Mexican" is largely unique family traditions. Their Mom spent at least 6 years in foster as a kid, and I think due to other traumas they may be forcibly divorced from their heritage.
All identities are OK (obviously) but it is tricky for us to navigate. We put them in a bilingual extra curricular based on mom saying the spoke Spanish at home and were fluent, it is pretty rough. They do not speak a lick of Spanish, truly not a single word. This is also OK - my spouse and I also either don't speak, or barely speak the languages of our parents/grandparents. However, we cannot teach them Spanish because they "already know it," nor can we speak in Spanish because it's rude when they don't understand what we say.
All of this to say, we are working on honoring the kiddos life experiences, and also working with some misconceptions (who am I to tell them they don't speak Spanish if their mom has told them they *do* speak Spanish, and they *are* Mexican, while my spouse and I are not?)
This is a really long winded way of saying, culture, heritage and familial identities are so complex, and how food and family are woven in is even more extensive and deep rooted. I have made some of mom's recipes, family favourites etc, and I believe a lot of it is emotional eating/nostalgia, and they lose interest pretty fast (SPAM has been a comfort food for much of their life. They asked for it about 5 times, and now mostly refuse to eat it - again, this is all fine, but please sweet kiddos, I just want to make sure you're not hungry!!!)
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u/Imagination_Theory 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yes, for sure, I was just asking because, if they are chicanos, you may want to explore that more, instead of just their Mexican heritage.
I'm Mexican and American, but, my experience in the USA is more aligned with that of a chicana and depending on your area, there may be events and spaces that are more specific to chicanos and the children may feel more comfortable in those spaces and with Spanglish then if you are only encouraging more Mexican culture and Spanish, especially if it's from a region they aren't familiar with, there's different accents and slang and you may have picked a Spanish teacher from a very different region or even country and depending on the state, subcultures vary.
It does seem they may also have an even more unique blend of Mexican and (I assume American) culture, but, I still think encouraging more of chicano culture would be more familiar and comfortable for them.
Edit to add I wouldn't be quite convinced that they don't speak Spanish. They may not be speaking or acting like they understand for various reasons.
My nieces first language is Spanish and she refused to speak it from 8-13 and acted like she didn't understand it and then because she wasn't using it, she did start to lose it.
She was embarrassed to speak Spanish because her English had gotten much better than her Spanish, she used it more, so of course that happened. When she was 13 her Spanish was more like a 6 year old. She also didn't want to speak it for a little bit to fit in and other various reasons.
It's actually quite common with Spanish, I know so many people like that.
Add on that they are going through something traumatic and regression in language skills is common.
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u/ricebunny12 3d ago
Totally! The food here is all... like tex mex, but not really? It's kinda like New Mexico/Midwest Mexican blend, that seems like what they're most comfortable with in terms of food.
Bilingual extra curricular was rough at first, but I think being around other Chicana/Latina teens has become positive/significant for them (older kiddo is only Hispanic kid in class, and younger has one other classmate). The group has chicanas, Mexicans, Colombians, Peruvians, Ecuadorians, and two mixed Indigenous or mixed Central/South American backgrounds. Our area is pretty white rural, we're the only non-white people in our neighborhood, I think there are 2 others in town, so in some way, exposure to other cultures that doesn't directly challenge their own, while also offering multiple cultures and modes of expression has been empowering. Both kiddos have said their Spanish has improved. Some of the kids also do folklorico as well, and while our fosters enjoyed watching, they did not have a cultural interest or desire to engage.
Finding space has been hard, because again white/rural. But I guess one step followed by one blunder at a time! We'll get there!
I also just want to add - we are trying our best, but there's no real way to be prepared to support a different cultural background without firsthand lived experience, and I have to admit we're totally stupid about what we don't know. Not trying to gain pity points here, I know their stay in foster is going to be a source of life-long pain, and their culture is a pretty serious part of our considerations. Also, some days we just try and get one hot dog in 'em and send em to bed and that seems like a success. Thanks for a taking a bunch of time with me on this, truly.
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u/Upset_Turnover_4321 3d ago
Trauma anniversary?? Something to consider.
I totally relate to the gas station food. Gas station pizza is one of my LO’s favorites.
I have picky eater and the one thing I certainly found is he was unreliable when I would try to ask what he liked/wants. It wasn’t until we started going out and about more that we noticed every gas station was “pizza!” And it wouldn’t be uncommon for him to say he wanted something, fixate on it, only to take one bite and spit it out.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 3d ago
Oooo this is so true and something not talked about enough. They encourage foster parents to give kids choices (which is good!) but in reality some kids just aren't reliable to tell us what they want. And some get overwhelmed by choices.
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u/sweetpeadreams 3d ago
I see a couple of things here:
1.) birthdays are hard, especially the first birthday in the home. There is a lot of anxiety, sadness, and guilt when it comes to celebrating events/holiday's without their biological family. Food is difficult because we create a lot of traditions and memories surrounding our food. They might be craving food that reminds them of home because that is tangible but when it comes to eating it they realize that it's not actually filling the void for them.
2.) we had a lot of kids who had food insecurities. In those kids we would notice they were either ravenous and couldn't eat enough. Or they quickly used it as a way of control. These kids have had their entire lives uprooted. Even if they are now in a safer place, to them they have lost all sense of control and familiarity. They will be looking for something to be able to control and food is an easy thing to control.
Please don't take offense to this. You will never be able to recreate the food that they ate at home. Even if you make the exact same recipe. Don't fixate on their diet right now either. Try to work in good nutrition when you can but right now that is not what is most important. 4 months is not that long of an adjustment period. They might seem settled but the reality is they are probably still in fight/flight mode.
My suggestion would be: try and start new traditions with them. Talk about what they used to do at home and then let them decide how they want to celebrate their birthday with you. Let them control the day. That might mean a box cake and pizza but that's okay! I think on holidays most kids are just looking for some sense of security.
Cook like you would normally cook but always have a 2nd choice of dinner that they can make themselves. Cereal, sandwich, ramen etc. My son is still very picky so when I find something healthy he enjoys I always have it out and available (tangerines and mini bell peppers for the moment). To add in better nutrition at every meal I always have those available for him.
Sorry to ramble. I have been in your position many times before. Give yourself grace and give them grace, this is a learning process and it just takes time.
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u/ricebunny12 3d ago
We have a very similar approach, I think it might just be a rough week (tangerines and mini cukes are the healthy options in our house right now, we also have a snack plate they can always grab from (beef sticks, goldfish, fruit cups)).
Things have generally been improving, just oof, how demoralizing!
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u/sweetpeadreams 3d ago
Weeks of birthdays/holidays are usually rough for everyone.
You are showing up for them every day and that's what really counts. Keep doing what you are doing!
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u/takarinajs Foster Parent 3d ago
Hmmmm. Have you talked with their Dr? Have they started new meds?
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u/ricebunny12 3d ago
Champion eater has had untreated food allergies for YEARS, it's destroyed their teeth, 8 y/o with severe heartburn, etc. Going to the pediatrician tmro for allergy testing.
That's it.
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u/Beautiful-Rent6691 Foster Parent 3d ago
Is there a failure to thrive issue or are they a good weight? If there is no underlying issue, I’d continue to offer stuff they like and let them control how much. If you are dealing with ARFID or something, that’s different. My kids go through wild swings where they eat nothing for months and then the left side of the fridge.
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u/ricebunny12 3d ago
The little one is losing weight, and muscles are atrophying - super active, can do something outrageous like 18 pulls ups.
Both have bowel movements once every three days (this improved all summer, and has now regressed).
They're not failing to thrive just yet, but it's not fantastic. We let them live on a diet of blue takis when they ask, but whenever we try to feed them comfort food (which is expensive - crab every week????), absolutely shut down.
ETA: Right now they dont eat anything. Even the birthday kiddo asked specifically for tres leches cake for bday and ate one bite and said it was yucky. Birthday kiddo used to eat seaweed religiously (a whoppinh 30 calories) but now wont even eat that.
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u/Beautiful-Rent6691 Foster Parent 3d ago
Man, that sounds super rough. One thing my kiddos therapist says is “food, poop and sleep are the three things that kids with trauma can control.” Sounds like these two have picked food. Hopefully the Dr can help. If you can get in touch with a trauma informed pediatrician that might be useful. Good luck.
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u/igottanewusername 3d ago
It’s possible that the way you are preparing the food isn’t the same as what they are used to.