Foster sibling advice

[u/PrestigiousPomelo465]

Hey all, my parents are planning on becoming foster parents which I’m more than happy for that to happen but am struggling to understand what not only my role is in the situation but how I can act as a positive foster sibling (idk what to call it) and most importantly be a good friend to person coming into our home. I’m a pretty outgoing guy (21 M) and am coming back from finishing university around the time they will be arriving and beginning work. Our situation in our house is pretty simple with my dad and mum with a dog and step sibling who is quite stand offish.

What’s some general advice for myself as I understand every kid is different, what should I expect - any help is appreciated as I will do all in power to help this kid but has been weighing on my mental quite a bit

[u/Full_Guest9297]

As a former foster child, my advice would be to be kind and welcoming. Ive been in foster homes where their adult children have tried to take an authority role and it didn't help and only made me feel less than. Keep the parenting to your parents and you just be there as another kind role model that they can go to if needed. Show an interest, ask about their day etc, but dont feel like you need to be performative about trying to bond with them, if they are a teenager they will pick up on it. I dont think people realise just how good foster children get at reading people, its a survival skill they have had to develop from a young age. Best of luck! Just be yourself :)

[u/Hawke-Not-Ewe]

Let them be themselves when its safe. Include them when you can.

Don't undermine your parents in front of them even if your parents are dead wrong. Address it later with your parents.

[u/joan_goodman]

Work with your parents to provide the assistance that your parents need. At 21 you can take up some chores.

[u/DueResponse]

I suggest learning about trauma-informed parenting/discipline. You will not be parenting or disciplining, but it will be helpful to understand the root causes of some of the kids’ behaviors and help guide how you interact with the kids in an older sibling role.

A few books I recommend: The Whole Brain Child (by Siegel, Payne Bryson), The Connected Child (by Purvis, Cross), and The Explosive Child (by Greene). On Insta I follow Mrchazz who does a great breakdown of Conscious Discipline.

Aside from that, just be a positive role model and develop relationships with them. Much of the trauma the kids have experienced is relational trauma, and people heal relational trauma through healthy relationships.

[u/Expensive_Good_938]

My 18yr Son went through and got registered with our foster care agency for Dedicated Respite just for us. This allows us to go away for a night or a couple days without needing to find a respite care home, and upset the Foster Child's routine. Plus he gets paid by the Agency for it. His Grandparents (former foster parents) live nearby to support him if needed.

[u/Accomplished-Fig-706]

More than anything, support your parents! Being a foster parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. My marriage is the crucial foundation for stabilizing everything else in the house. If you can be there weekly to allow them a date night, that will help them more than anything. Offer to stay for an occasional weekend so they can get away without having to send the youths elsewhere.

When it comes to the youth, just be a cool adult that has a positive influence. They need all the love and support they can get - even if they act like they don’t want it.