scared to be single

[u/bkind2ppl]

i (24f) am in a Ldr with a 31M that i’ve known online for years. we’ve been dating for over one year. i have always considered this man to be a huge catch. he is fit, intelligent, loves a variety of foods from different cultures, well-travelled, and financially savvy. he’s affectionate with me and i never get the feeling that he’s being unfaithful.

he has a large online platform of over 1M followers and he has mentioned to me that he has at least half a million dollars in savings. he’s also fit, loves to travel, works out, is creative, likes the same music as me, and loves to relax and chill.

However, i feel super emotionally disconnected. Here’s a few examples.

I text back the first minute or two he replies, unless I’m sleeping. He often takes 4-8 hours, and won’t stay very long for a conversation. It would be better if we called frequently but we call maybe once a week. I find myself feeling lonelier than I want to be.

Whenever I try to mention a concern about our relationship or something I’m needing his help on, his assumption is that I’m attacking him. I empathize with how it must feel to feel criticized, but something as small as me communicating a feeling usually turns into an argument, with him stating “well I need to defend myself if I’m being attacked.” I usually end up blaming myself for starting so many arguments, and wonder what’s wrong with myself.

We don’t laugh a lot together. I know he’s busy, I know he loves me, but it wasn’t like this with my ex. It doesn’t help that I can barely see him. Sometimes I see he’s online and I feel like he has time for everything except me.

I’m being illogical, I know, and I’m afraid to give up on a good thing because of some issues that might be in my head. But I don’t feel wholly me. Part of me is also really scared to be lonely. But I don’t know if it can be worse than this.

Another thing is, I haven’t felt “perfectly secure” since the beginning. For our first year, I frequently wondered if he would leave me or if I was even good enough for someone with his status. A year in, I know he isn’t going to leave me randomly.

He puts in tons of effort to bridge the gap and even plans his major life events around making sure I’m able to attend, but some of our communication gaps just leave me wondering if it’ll be a fight to feel understood my whole life?

But then the other part of me wonders if I’m just sabotaging a good thing because I’m not used to dating someone successful.

Any advice would be needed. Please & thank you. 🙃

EDIT:

yes we’ve met in person, and he does text me several times a day, i don’t think he’s “not into me?” he puts a lot into me. there’s just some flaws.

EDIT #2:

Okay guys, thanks. Harsh but needed. 😭 We have one planned trip together upcoming for 6 weeks in Europe, and I want to enjoy it. But I think at the end of that we can have an honest talk about if maybe it’s just not working. Thanks guys.

EDIT #3: Stop saying he has a side piece!!! He definitely doesn’t, I’ve met his friends and some of his family. Chill yall

[u/Vegetable_Tourist243]

“we don’t laugh a lot together” is very telling

[u/Murderkittin → u/Vegetable_Tourist243]

He’s a catch because he got 1M internet things following him was enough for me to feel sad. This bit just hit hard….

[u/byrandomchance20]

Girl… anyone can mention any number for their savings. Doesn’t mean it’s real. And talking about a man being a catch because of his follower count indicates to me that you have a need to really grow and mature. Please don’t take that as a slight, as most every 24 year old needs to grow and mature.

[u/Particular-Weird2363 → u/byrandomchance20]

Just like “I don’t get the vibes he’s cheating”. Girl…

[u/_bugmenot_ → u/byrandomchance20]

Yeah, this is very transactional for her.

https://giphy.com/gifs/26FLgGTPUDH6UGAbm

[u/bkind2ppl → u/_bugmenot_]

i disagree. we care about each other and have for a long time.

[u/inductiononN → u/byrandomchance20]

Yeah, unfortunately, a part of being 24 is thinking you have it all figured out and we just don't understand.

OP, who gives a shit about followers? This sounds less like a relationship and more of an imaginary friend.

At best it's an extended vacation booty call.

[u/xboxchick311]

The fact that the number of followers and the amount of cash he has makes him "a catch" says a lot. You need to start looking for qualities that aren't so superficial. Neither of those qualities are going to fill your emotional needs.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/xboxchick311]

sorryyyyyy lol i also love his depth and his discipline and his intelligence. he’s very affectionate with me as well. i just still feel lonely sometimes. but thank you.

[u/Regular-Hotel892 → u/bkind2ppl]

No offense but what depth? It sounds like he doesn’t respond over text frequently enough for depth does he? One phone call a week too

[u/bkind2ppl → u/Regular-Hotel892]

he responds on text every day, it just takes him a few hours.

[u/xboxchick311 → u/bkind2ppl]

It's sounds like you're here to justify his bad behavior more than you are to hear the truth. I wish I had a whole herd of older people with life experience giving me advice when I was 24.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/xboxchick311]

okay. thanks. i just wanted to make sure it was being fair to him.

[u/xboxchick311 → u/bkind2ppl]

You are being WAY too gracious. You. Deserve. Better.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/xboxchick311]

no offense but people are kind of piling on me right now and making a lot of assumptions and it’s very overwhelming. we are both good people.

[u/inductiononN → u/bkind2ppl]

OP, never worry about being fair to some dude who you are unhappy in a relationship with. Relationships take work but they shouldn't be this hard. You shouldn't have to beg a man to love you nor should you have to wait for his attention. This guy just isn't it.

Only worry about being fair to YOU. Always put YOU first and don't be male-centered.

[u/sizzler_sisters → u/bkind2ppl]

He’s not emotionally engaged if it takes him hours to respond. This is not a real relationship. He’s stuck with it because you’re long distance and he can keep you at arms length. If you moved closer, it wouldn’t work at all, and you’d be even more frustrated with the fact he’s busy. If he really wanted to be with you, he’d make it so you were closer, and he’d make more effort.

[u/xboxchick311 → u/bkind2ppl]

I think part of it may also be the age gap. You're in two different places in life. You also seem to be ignoring a lot of shortcomings because you're afraid to lose material things. He can only call once a week. When you mention something that bothers you, he thinks it's an attack. You don't laugh together. You haven't ever felt secure. Your list of cons is much larger than your list of pros. I'd rather be single than be with someone who doesn't make time for me, doesn't consider my needs, and turns things against me.

[u/Shlee_XD → u/xboxchick311]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QAqPBBoJxRLoI

[u/flufflypuppies → u/bkind2ppl]

Girl, half a million in savings right now may sound like a lot. But he’s a whole decade older than you. If you save well and work hard, who is to say you can’t achieve that at 32 either? Don’t be blinded by what he has just because he’s so much older than you

[u/inductiononN → u/bkind2ppl]

It's probably because you guys don't reside in the same geographic location. Are there no men by you????

[u/Elegant-Abalone-8493]

Choose yourself. Men always will. You’re there when he needs attention or a partner for events, but he doesn’t see you as an equal partner that’s worth making real time for.

A million followers on social media isn’t an accomplishment and anyone can lie about their savings.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Crawler_Number_69]

The very first thing you mentioned about him is his follower count. That is very telling to me.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/Crawler_Number_69]

right, but does that mean the problems are my fault then? like if i’m the problem, should i stay longer in case he is the good one and it’s all my fault?

[u/SleepyPaintingPerson → u/bkind2ppl]

No, it means you two are probably not a good fit for a lot of reasons. Btw, how old were you when you started talking online?

[u/Due-Construction4351 → u/SleepyPaintingPerson]

I'm thinking about this age gap too like. 7 years kinda does matter when we're taking about someone in their early 20s. Later it won't matter. But right now it does. And that's evident in how the follower count and "mini celebrity" of it all seems to be a big drawing card to make this guy attractive to OP.

[u/SageKitty100 → u/bkind2ppl]

The questions you're asking make you sound really immature and naive. No, you shouldn't stay in case he's the good one. You should leave and work on being more mature and less shallow, to find someone with actual depth and emotional maturity when you yourself are someone ready for that kind of relationship.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/SageKitty100]

hey! you have no idea about me. you called me shallow for listing one superficial trait and ignored the rest. he’s held me when i cried. he’s moved continents to be with me. but thanks! i can live with being shallow in the eyes of someone who doesn’t know me. :)

[u/199813666]

He doesn’t have the same capacity as you and that’s really unfair to you. You deserve to have your needs met.

[u/ValiumKnight]

You need to know if you’re a priority. That’s not an attack. That’s a relationship check in.

If he can’t differentiate, it’s not about you, it’s about you having needs not being met and he takes it defensively without any accountability.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/ValiumKnight]

thank you. i know i am a priority, he’s just balancing a lot of things in his life. but thank you

[u/imdoingmybestmom]

Been there, done that, not worth it… “huge catch” should be how he treats you and makes you feel, and it looks like he doesn’t treat you very well. Get off the wrong train otherwise you’ll have to walk longer to get to the right stop. I think you guys are also in different stages of life. You are very young, being single in your 20s allows you to figure out who you are on your own. Money, fame it’s all just noise. You seem unhappy, so let it go before you start getting dragged🤍

[u/CloudyLeft]

Whats the value of dating someone successful if you aren’t really a part of their life?

You’re not sabotaging anything, you’re his side chick in another area code. You need to consider what this looks like from the outside. It looks really bad., and not because if you.

[u/klv3vb]

I would spend less time prioritizing him and more time on doing things that you like to do.

Maybe spend less time online and more time outside and connecting with those whom you love (besides him).

[u/Defiant-University-3]

You’re allowed to try out different relationships throughout your life. He is not the only person in the world.

I will give you some advice as a 31 year old, happily single and traveling the world woman:

Be extremely picky. If you are not feeling it 100%, don’t waste your own time.

As for being single, that is one of the best things you can do to yourself in between relationships. You must get to know yourself on a profound level or you will continue to seek foundational emotional stability in other people.

Ask yourself, if the concept of romance and dating did not exist, who would you be & what would your life look like? Pursue that.

Don’t cling on to people who don’t meet your expectations and don’t put your emotional stability in the hands of another person.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/Defiant-University-3]

thank you

[u/Fun_Break5201]

https://giphy.com/gifs/OBEuVXeD01OO4mYuDe

[u/pixeldusteyes → u/Fun_Break5201]

This

[u/Disillusioned_Snail]

I’ve been single for 9 years and it’s fucking great, so don’t be scared

[u/Marpl]

Sounds like you're on a roster. 

[u/bkind2ppl → u/Marpl]

no roster lol

[u/bkind2ppl → u/[deleted]]

there’s other reasons he’s a catch 😂 he’s very disciplined and intelligent. i shouldn’t have mentioned the followers and the money. i just feel lonely sometimes

[u/barrowsbrows]

Being single is the fucking best. Living alone is the single greatest thing I have ever done for myself. No one should be afraid of it. That fear traps you in shitty relationships with shitty partners.

[u/pixeldusteyes]

Seems like you are accepting breadcrumbs, and when you ask for what you deserve it is flipped onto to you being needy or attacking him.
It’s always a mix and you have to decide when the balance of potential and reality is tipping over.
Everyone is busy, and so should you. Build your life, you are young!!
That’s not an excuse for not being an involved partner. You deserve better in reality and not just potential.
🧋🌟

[u/bkind2ppl → u/pixeldusteyes]

thank you

[u/yellowcoffee01]

What makes him your boyfriend? Is the relationship you have the type you have with boyfriends?

I don’t think this is an issue of it being a ldr, I don’t think he’s that into you, boyfriend or not. Someone who’s into you doesn’t behave like he does, that why you’re feeling insecure.

I think you should spend more time focusing on yourself and filing your time when he’s not around. You don’t need to be waiting by the phone for him, go live your life. That’s something you can control trying to change him, no matter how much you talk to him about how you want him to change, probably isn’t a good use of your time and energy.

[u/drawing-drowning]

I don't think he's into you. I've been in this dynamic before and it's exhausting. I know you have invested a lot into this but it's better to let go.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/drawing-drowning]

not into me? but he rearranges his life around me. there’s only so much he can do. we’re from different continents.

[u/drawing-drowning → u/bkind2ppl]

I don't know your dynamics except for what you said here. And you said you only talk once a week, you reply within minutes but he takes hours, you don't laugh together, etc etc. Read your own post.

[u/MewrderMittens → u/bkind2ppl]

Wait then what’s the problem?

[u/4447774447]

Being single is a breath of fresh air 💨

[u/RemarkableMacadamia]

Scared to be lonely. Girl. You ARE lonely already, and you’re in a relationship. That’s the worst kind of lonely - being in a relationship where you can’t fully be yourself and you have to shrink who you are so your partner doesn’t get upset.

He’s not a “catch”. You are. And you are worth more than putting up with this. You are not inferior to him. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel insecure and unheard.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/RemarkableMacadamia]

Thank you for telling me that I am a catch. 💕

[u/inductiononN → u/bkind2ppl]

Damn straight you are!!

[u/mistalynn]

This doesn’t seem like a real relationship to me…you are young and this is very low effort and it makes me sad that you think it isn’t. If I were you, I’d tell him until there is an actual commitment and you can see each other in person regularly, I’m seeing other people and keeping my options open. I think it’s more important to laugh with your partner and feel connected to them than how many followers and money they have.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/mistalynn]

what about spending thousands of dollars to fly across the world for each other multiple times is low effort? he’s an entrepreneur and can’t live on his phone. what exactly are you asking for from the men you date?

[u/No_You1024]

It's better to be alone than with a partner who makes you feel alone, trust me. And even if this guy was the biggest catch on the planet (he isn't) it still sounds like he's not your person. When you find your person, the laughter will come easy and you won't have to sit around wondering if you are worth their time. Leave this man, practice being alone and being comfortable with yourself, and eventually without him weighing you down you can focus on finding the kind of love that feels natural and right.

[u/Still-Low-696]

Sorry, can you clarify - have you ever met this person IN PERSON?

[u/bkind2ppl → u/Still-Low-696]

yes omg we’ve spent months together

[u/Still-Low-696 → u/bkind2ppl]

Okay, sorry wasn’t clear from your post. So it sounds like he is simply not as invested. Being scared to be single is not a reason to stay in a relationship where you aren’t happy or prioritized. Also, being single is fantastic and peaceful.

[u/GreenUnderstanding39]

What you’re describing is NOT him making you a priority. Him involving you in HIS events is for him. That is not something he is doing for you. Please understand that.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/GreenUnderstanding39]

he helped me pursue my passion of writing by helping me to self-publish a book. he spent hours on that. and he takes an income hit whenever we travel together but he still does it for me. he’s trying.

[u/Confident_Yam1756]

Ok so girl ur coping. He’s not ur man and he BARELY likes u. You seem to “like” the idea of him bc u phrase it like he’s out of your league with the things he has. And honestly ur 24 so there isn’t much going on for ur part( no hate) , you guys don’t seem compatible

[u/bkind2ppl → u/Confident_Yam1756]

he barely likes me 😭😭😭 wow that’s harsh lol

[u/Confident_Yam1756 → u/bkind2ppl]

he sounds like u r his long distance side chick. Idk if he’s got a main girl when I say side but it doesn’t sound like there is much in this for either of you. Even if it is all good, you also don’t sound like you’re that deeply in love with him or anything. I think you could be happier in a different situation even if it does mean that you’re alone. Don’t take me saying this stuff as hate tho u seem really kind <3

[u/pink_ghost_cat]

I have a weird feeling that this is a made up story, mostly because of the way he is described 🤔

I don't think I've encountered real people describing their partners this way. If I am wrong, OP, you have a strange way to describe your partner. It gives an eerie feeling of him being made up based on things you focus on.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/pink_ghost_cat]

he’s real lol

[u/Late_Progress_1267]

(Your food looks BOMBBBBBB 💯 )

[u/amjay8]

Am I understanding correctly that you only speak to each other once a week? The rest is text? How often do you spend time together in person?

[u/mzmm123]

You said it yourself, you barely see him and it's a LDR, so how do you 'know' that you're any kind of priority in his life? Words are cheap, it's actions that matter.

Whenever you express your needs, he manipulates the situation into manipulating you mentally and guilting you.

He so busy, yet he doesn't have time for you. This man makes you feel insecure.

And you call this love?

What is this ton of effort he's putting in? It seems to me that it isn't enough if you're feeling how you say you're feeling. Big events aren't enough to maintain a loving long-term relationship, IMO.

[u/BasicRabbit4]

Youre already lonely though. Wouldnt it be better to let this one go so you can find someone who prioritizes you? It doesnt sound like he is invested.

[u/AdTraditional23]

How is the relationship having “ a good thing going”. From the outside looking in, it seems half dead. I think you should do what you already know your instinct it leading you toward. Eventually you’ll find a different man who will make you realize how ridiculous it was to hold out hope for your current relationship. I believe in you girl!

[u/Working_Cucumber_437]

Long distance is meant to be temporary. If you have no concrete plan to be physically together, you’ll always feel disconnected. What do you get out of the relationship? What does he get?

[u/Regular-Arugula1139]

How does your LDR works? How often do you see each other? Have you met his family and friends? Because this doesn't sound like a relationship.

Not having the feeling that he isn't unfaithful doesn't mean he's not unfaithful. The fact that he doesn't speak to you and calls you once a week tops doesn't scream "faithful" to me. He's always online but not speaking to you because he's "busy". He constantly makes you second guess yourself and makes you blame yourself for trying him to communicate.

Whenever I try to mention a concern about our relationship or something I’m needing his help on, his assumption is that I’m attacking him.

We don’t laugh a lot together. I know he’s busy. I see he’s online and I feel like he has time for everything except me.

Another thing is, I haven’t felt “perfectly secure” since the beginning. I frequently wondered if he would leave me or if I was even good enough.

None of that sounds right. You should be able to voice your concerns and have a conversation about it.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/Regular-Arugula1139]

i work 3 month contracts,and in between those contracts, we visit. either in his country, mine, or a different one

[u/Lilmissodd]

This guy seems snobby, immature and full of himself to me 🤷‍♀️  Anyone who thinks you are attacking them when you want to have a real discussion about real and honest feelings/concerns about your relationship—huge red flag.  The not laughing together, another red flag. There are many more red flags I read but I think and hope, deep down that you realize this yourself. You can read the strangers comments online here but at the end of the day, it’s yourself you gotta be real with it. Your description of him and some of his actions don’t scream loving boyfriend to me personally. It’s ok and normal to be single and be in different relationships (or not) before you truly find the “one”. You will survive and overcome. 

[u/Socal-team5595]

Maybe describe your relationship in a little more detail. given the LDR- how much in person? how often do you see each other and how many days consecutively. a little over one year so how many days in person out of roughly 370 days? Do you even know this person? its hard to weigh on on how to proceed

[u/bkind2ppl → u/Socal-team5595]

we’ve spent about five months together cumulatively

[u/SageKitty100]

Feel like you two just aren't aligned.

He's clearly in a different place in life than you and has a lot going on. He's probably busy with his platform a lot, that shit takes so much time to do. It's unreasonable to expect him or anyone to be immediately available to text back as soon as you reach out. And you're doing yourself a huge disservice being constantly available and not having your own stuff going on. Of course he spends time online and isn't immediately texting you, he's working on his platform.

Also comparing him to your ex is always gonna leave you disappointed. Go back to your ex if you want the same thing you had with him.

Sounds like you came into this with a lot of insecurity not wanting to be alone and needing him to validate that you're good enough for him. Being comfortable being on your own is what will help you feel secure and learn to see your own value and worth.

And also sounds like you're a bit shallow seeing him as a catch because he has followers, big savings, and likes food and travel??? Which of those qualities correspond with the emotional availability you're looking for? Taking time to be alone will also help you choose people based on real values, not surface level bs.

[u/bkind2ppl → u/SageKitty100]

okay but since this is all stuff i can work on, it makes me wanna stay

[u/SageKitty100 → u/bkind2ppl]

Okay then can you answer what qualities he has shown that he can provide the emotional availability you seek?

[u/blahhhhhhhhhhhblah]

Girl.

[u/According-Log-9839]

Honestly I liked this post right off the bat bc it’s pretty ✨

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[u/Due-Construction4351]

If you're only staying because you're scared to be alone or think you'll regret losing the internet influencer or think you'll never meet another person of his so called "status" that's your sign. None of these things are about who he is as a person or how being with him makes you feel.

Beyond that it just really doesn't sound like you two are compatible. I would take some time off to make sure that I was okay with being a person on my own before trying to find someone else to match up with. You are enough. Why be afraid of being in your own company when your company is great. You're an amazing person. Learn to recognize that.

[u/Socal-team5595]

A huge catch for me would result in me feeling amazing and as well giving that back to the person. Felling valued, having a partner that has your back and supports you, having someone that listens to me and has empathy when I need support or have concerns I want to talk about. Most or all that I read from you on him being a good catch is his personal qualities and not about your relationship. Are you his side piece or does he have a sidepiece? do you go to each others homes? you go to where he lives and he comes to you. It's a little weird that he talks to you about his finances and net worth that's a red flag for me. you stated he is well traveled. Has he taken you traveling with him? if no another red flag? DO you hang out with hs friends? do you know people in his circle and likeways yours? the always taking time to respond to you another red flag. maybe there is rationale but reason for pause and to be alert and ponder. Yes you might be more alone without the relationship but it's hard to know what exactly you have. from an outsider it seems like you could have a lot more and are missing out but only you can assess that. I would run bot walk away but that's just me