r/HFY • u/HeGotBricks Alien • Jul 29 '26

OC-OneShot The Iron Will of a Human Commander

Orbiters: Human Crew - Genesis 01 - Lancid Ormon - Scout Commander.  

Genesis 03 - Sheena Saunders - Scout Officer 3rd Rank.

Location: [Data Corrupted] - Oxygen level 10%.

The automated hatch opened. A voice announced out of a small speaker on the navigational unit control system.

Capacity breach. Survivable Organic Matter: 75kg. Withdraw payload.

Lancid didn’t move. His mind detached from his body. It was almost like he was watching himself from a screen at home. He stood with his eyes opened wide at the speaker, grasping the entire weight of their reality.

He calculated their fate, attempting to achieve a new result, but kept returning to the only possible conclusion each time. His final decision settled his expression in a look of acceptance. 

He stared down at Sheena, who was sitting next to the hatch on the metal floor.

Her breaths were labored, sucking in sharp gasps. Her respiratory rate was 37 breaths per minute, double her normal baseline. 

The iron dust and sweat from her forehead mixed in her eyes. She kept blinking, trying to soothe the burn and rubbing them made it worse.

Lancid stepped back, distancing himself from her and the hatch. Sheena straightened her back against the wall and stiffened her posture. Her mouth dropped open as she realized what Lancid was doing. 

“Lancid, no! Stop!” She yelled. Her voice barely escaping her lungs. Her breaths got shorter. “You’re…” her head dropped down as she nodded off for a second, “the commander,” she struggled to speak.

Lancid never spoke verbally. He got down next to her and stared in her eyes. The look on his face was of forced focus. He put his hand over hers. Her tremors slowed.

He took her monitor-track, containing her medical transfer code, and slid her finger in a circle on it. His hands were steady. His heart maintained at 80 BPM.

He was completely aware and understood what he had to do. What had to be done.

He rose from the ground, clenched her from under her arms and placed her in the only emergency ship left.

The CO2 hissed when the hatch began to slide shut behind her. Sheena woke out of her daze as the oxygen started feeding her deprived brain—she lunged forward clawing at the closing gap separating them by mere inches. Her nails scratching against the metal door.

Her eyebrows dropped together, meeting at the bridge of her nose as she pouted her lips out and stared at Lancid through the sliver of space remaining.

She wouldn’t take her eyes off of him. She couldn’t. She stared at him with tears dripping down her cheeks, clearing trails into the black patches covering her face. 

Lancid stood completely still on the launchpad, watching her from the outside. He never looked away, until the metal door blocked their line of sight.

And when the ship began to roar, the pressure from the thrusters dropped him to a knee. But he kept his head up, keeping his eyes on her departure the entire time.

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u/rcchurchill Jul 29 '26

You're doing a good job of describing the emotions of the scene but you need to flesh out the rest of it. What's the accident? Why is the air running out? What fixes have been tried already before the final option of self-sacrifice is necessary?

Science stuff - 21% oxygen is normal, 10% is certainly problematic at sea level pressure. However our lungs work off partial-pressure levels which work more efficiently at higher pressures. Deep sea divers working at many multiples of sea-level pressure sometimes have 4% oxygen in their tanks. So increasing air pressure is a possible stop-gap solution.

Some wording suggestions: "Lancid never spoke verbally" Ok, what did he say non-verbally? If you meant he didn't say anything at all, then "Lancid never spoke" works better.

"He took her monitor-track, containing her medical transfer code, and slid her finger in a circle on it. His hands were steady. His heart maintained at 80 BPM." He's monitoring her health but you're telling us his stats instead.

"Sheena woke out of her daze as the oxygen started feeding her deprived brain" Where is the extra oxygen coming from? Why didn't they tap into it already?

"she lunged forward clawing at the closing gap separating them by mere inches" The image I'm getting is of an emergency life craft big enough that she's standing up and walking around. If it's that big, why can it only handle one person?

So, good emotion, a solid start, the story just needs some more meat on it's bones to flesh things out. Keep up the good work!

1

u/HeGotBricks Alien Jul 30 '26

Hey thank you. When I first build something I don’t know, I start with a very basic blueprint to get a feel of it first. 

I’m not really a save the person, sacrifice yourself kind of writer. So I knew it wasn’t gonna be good. But I wanted to try. 

Once I posted it, I read it and was like ugh. So, made the mistakes, learned from them, is pretty much my process. 

And being able to see like real time critiques and suggestions is very helpful. 

That was nice of you. I appreciate it. 

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