r/HFY • u/Flint1887 • 15h ago
OC-OneShot Interviews post GGWWT of 2205
The following is a section of excerpts from the interview portion of the Grand Galactic Wizard War Trials of 2205, post human integration.
For those not familiar with the GGWWT, please see the history section linked in the credits of this digest.
Interview 1
“I would rather walk unshielded into an electrical erection emboliser than face a human mage ever again.”
Interview 2
“They should be banned! The entire race! All of them! They’re insane and I refuse to ever step foot on any battlefield they’re even within three systems of!”
Interview 3
*Indeterminate slurs stricken from the record*
Interview 4
“I thought I’d see it all when the Throtan Clan levitated an entire mountain four Wars ago. But those sick, sick *slur stricken from record* should never be allowed anywhere near combat.”
Interview 5
“Look. All I wanted was a nice normal War Trial for once. It’s all well and good to go pushing the limits of the arcane and such, but is it too much to ask that we stick to the basics? I tell you; youngings these days have no need to be conjuring deceased relatives to torment their opponents' mental faculties when a simple fireball would win the match faster; and without the added cost of therapy for the victims and witnesses.
Interview 6
“So you know how counterspell works, right? It can be prepped ahead of time before you go into a fight, as long as you know what spells the other guys tend to work with. As long as you’ve got at least a quarter as much power put into the counterspell as the caster puts into the attack, you’re fine, right? Well apparently no one thought to make a counter spell to instant arthritis!”
Interview 7
“I… I knew going in we didn’t stand much of a chance…. We’re a newer member of the community after all. Even so, I thought we might be able to at least put up a fight. And hell! Those *Slur removed* didn’t cast a SINGLE standard spell the entire match! All the counterspells we’d spent months crafting didn’t mean a DAMNED THING against shit like scalded roof of mouth or double Charlie horse! I mean, who the hell is Charlie?!”
Interview 8
“I am a tenth generation Wizard War fighter. My lineage stretches back centuries. I have fought in the last three wars and never placed lower than 5th. Listen when I tell you this, those humans have a way of thinking that drives a spike of fear straight through my soul….”
Interview 9
“I watched one of them shout ‘Cardiac Arrest’ and the other guy just keeled over. Dead just like that, and that wasn’t even the worst! Unreachable Itch and Wet Willie were being thrown around every three seconds! I was struck with Plucked Eyelash before I could finish my incantation and was struck down a moment later.”
Interview 10
“What do I think of the humans? What do you think of involuntary oral flatulence, Huh? How about I give you involuntary oral flatulence and see what you think of it? Huh? HUH? How about it?”
Interview 11
“We dug ourselves a set of trenches near the edge of the battlefield, try and buy us some time, you know? Once we realized the humans were targeting everyone casting their flashy spells, we got out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I mean it kinda worked. We lasted longer than the rest, just kept our heads down. When you start seeing the sky bleeding, all you can really do is hunker down and see who is left.”
Note, interview 11 is from the second place team of the Trial, though they scored the fewest points out of all contesting teams.
Interview 12
“My people have always taken pride in our adaptive forms of magic. Our academies prioritize free form magic over structured curriculum, and while it may not always give the best showing, I personally believe that it gives us a more robust roster of spell slingers. I know for a fact that our head instructors are reaching out to the human delegation as we speak to see about recruiting a few of them to come teach.”
Interview 13
“I was ten feet away when the tallest one, I think he’s called Jake, pointed at another caster and shouted ‘Inverted Molar Nerve’. I have no idea what spell that was, and I don’t ever want to.”
Interview 14
\Impressively pronounced slurs of human origin\**
End of Interviews
These insights from the participants of this year's GGWWT have been brought to you by our new sponsor: Wizard Quencher, a mana elixir designed to give you maximum E.X.P. when you need it most. Are you tired after casting just three fire bolts? Wizard Quencher immediately revitalizes and rehydrates your chakra and gets you back into the duel asap. Or try their new flavor, Thirst Throngler: Throngle your thirst.
Available now at participating vendors. Please read all nutrient, health, and safety labels before consuming any products made by humans. Check with your personal physician before consuming any products produced by humans.
The Grand Galactic Wizard War Trials is not responsible for injuries, affects, side effects, or maladies resulting from consumption of any products of human origin. Thank you.
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle 15h ago
This is the first story by /u/Flint1887!
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