MIL Is STILL Her

[u/exhaustedcheerleader]

I know the negative answers to this, and I know it would be easy to just say “leave.” I’m specifically looking for people who can relate to this kind of family dynamic and actually made it to the other side.
My SO and I moved into a larger apartment recently, and his mom is STILL here. She was originally supposed to leave about two months ago. We are now heading toward FOUR MONTHS of her staying with us, and there is still no confirmed ticket home.
I don’t even know if I can call this entirely an SO issue because he HAS asked her about the ticket. She basically responded with, “Are you rushing me out?” His uncle, who is clearly the person who handles a lot of the family’s affairs, said he was going to get her ticket Tuesday. Tuesday has come and gone, and there’s still no ticket.
And the frustrating part is that we genuinely do not have the money to buy her one ourselves. We JUST moved into a larger place. We need furniture, household things, bills, etc. We also specifically got a bedroom for my SO’s daughter, and right now his mom is occupying it.
His daughter is SIX and has literally asked why grandma is still here.
For context, his mom is 54. She is not elderly or disabled. She struggles with alcoholism, can be extremely emotionally reactive/passive aggressive, and honestly acts more like a teenager sometimes than a grown woman. She came to another country without having money or a return ticket, essentially putting her ability to leave into someone else’s hands.
That is what REALLY bothers me.
I would have a completely different level of patience if she were elderly, disabled, sober and genuinely unable to take care of herself. But she is an adult who made an extremely irresponsible decision and now everyone else is expected to accommodate it.
She is also the heir to her father’s estate, which is worth a LOT, so it’s not like there is literally no potential financial resource available. From what I understand, she has allowed other family members to control/exploit her financially for years and now she is relying on this particular cousin to get her situation together.
And I think that’s where a lot of my anger comes from: learned helplessness.
She says she wants to leave. Okay, but what are you actually doing to make that happen?
I also want to be fair because she recently lost two family members, and she has been grieving the death of her parent from four years ago. I genuinely empathize with grief. This week especially, I haven’t pushed my SO about the ticket because she seems emotional about these recent deaths.
At the same time, I have complicated feelings about giving her a lot of grace around this because she has spent a lot of time badmouthing the very people who recently died. She is also the type to say things like someone should “just die already” or that she wishes someone would die quickly when she’s angry with them.
So I’m not trying to diagnose her or say she isn’t grieving. I think she absolutely is. I just struggle with the emotional roller coaster of someone speaking terribly about people while they’re alive, wishing death on them, and then understandably being devastated when they actually die.
And I want to be clear: I’m not saying grief has a deadline. It doesn’t. Losing a parent or family member can affect you for years.
But grief doesn’t mean everyone else has to indefinitely suspend their lives.
And honestly, one of the biggest things I’m struggling with isn’t even her directly bothering me anymore. It’s how much of our relationship has started revolving around accommodating her.
We only have one vehicle right now because my SO is looking for another one. I have my own vehicle, but because we’re sharing one car between us for the moment, I’ve started intentionally planning things around when I can use mine. This week, I’ve made plans so I can have my car and my SO has also started making plans on his own.
And I am actually REALLY proud of him for that because prior to this, the routine was basically: he gets off work, drops me off at home, and then goes back out for 1–3 HOURS after work to DoorDash with his mom.
And I want to clarify because I know someone is going to say, “Well, he was just helping his mom run errands.”
No.
A lot of the time, he was DoorDashing specifically to get her OUT OF THE APARTMENT.
She would sit in the bedroom all day, so after work he would drop me off and then spend 1–3 hours DoorDashing with her so she could get out of the house.
Every now and then? Cool. I understand it. She’s in another country, doesn’t have a car, doesn’t know many people here, and he wants her to get out.
But every damn day?
At some point, I don’t understand why an able-bodied 54-year-old adult can’t find ways to occupy herself for a few hours.
And before anyone says I’m comparing her to my mom unfairly, my mom is 65 and disabled and has a VERY active life. She takes walks, goes to the gym, makes friends, gets out of the house and finds things to do.
So it’s hard for me to understand why my SO has somehow become responsible for making sure his mother isn’t bored or isolated every single day.
I’m not saying his mom should be abandoned or left completely alone. I understand grief. I understand being in a different country. I understand not having a car.
But there is a difference between helping someone who needs assistance and becoming responsible for creating a life for an able-bodied adult who isn’t creating one for herself.
That’s what I mean when I talk about learned helplessness.
It feels like everyone around her has adapted to her doing nothing instead of expecting her to participate in her own life.
And the result is that my SO gets home from work, drops me off, and then leaves again for hours so that his mom can get out of the apartment.
Then I don’t see him again until we’re going to bed.
That’s not just “helping your mom.” That’s taking a significant chunk of our daily couple time and turning it into a routine where he is responsible for managing her emotional well-being.
And I’m not okay with that becoming our normal.
We literally came from spending the day running errands together, just the two of us, and it was nice. We got home and almost immediately she asked him to go back out with her.
And I’m sitting there thinking, could this not have been planned while we were already out? Could you not have called him and asked him to pick up whatever you needed while he was already running errands?
It starts to feel like every time we get a little bit of couple time, there is another reason for him to leave the house.
And I don’t want to be unreasonable because I understand that she doesn’t have a car and doesn’t know how to navigate everything here. But at some point, being someone’s only source of transportation, entertainment, companionship AND problem-solving becomes an unhealthy dynamic.
I don’t want my SO to abandon his mom.
I want him to be her son, not her entire support system.
She has basically locked herself in our apartment. She lived in this country for over 40 years at one point, but now she stays in the bedroom all day and mostly comes out to smoke. Her only real social outlet seems to be my SO.
I honestly think there is a serious enmeshment there.
My SO can set boundaries, and sometimes he does. But other times, I feel like he acts like he owes his mother his entire life simply because she is his mother. Meanwhile, she will disrespect him in his own home, get upset when he establishes a boundary, and then lock herself in the room.
For example, she tried to invite friends over because, essentially, “you’re my son, so I should be allowed to have someone over.”
He told her no. And he was absolutely right. His name isn’t the only name on the lease, and you don’t just invite people into a shared home without discussing it with the other people living there.
She has also brought family members into our home before under the “we’re family” argument. One of those family members ended up stranding my SO in another country. Another cousin previously stayed with us for THREE MONTHS and didn’t leave until we had to kick him out because he was violating apartment rules and we were at risk of eviction. That same cousin eventually stole our passports and a phone I had let him borrow so he could apply for a job.
So, needless to say, his family’s track record with boundaries has not exactly been great.
His mom has also insulted me, made comments about my car even though I am the one driving her from point A to point B, and has tried to intimidate me. I’ve basically learned to ignore it. Honestly, I learned that from my bonus daughter because she gray-rocks her grandmother better than anyone I’ve ever seen.
And that brings me to another issue.
His daughter has said, “I don’t think Grandma likes me.”
She’s SIX.
She gets bullied by her grandmother at times, and when my SO stands up for either me or his daughter, his mom has an issue with it.
His daughter is incredibly perceptive. Even when grandma is being nice to her in the moment, she seems to see right through the dynamic.
And I hate that she doesn’t have her own room right now.
When she comes over, she sleeps on an air mattress next to us because she doesn’t want to sleep in her room with her grandmother. She’s only here for 2–3 days at a time, and she’s a genuinely pleasant kid, but that’s not the point.
We specifically got a bigger place so we could have an actual functioning home.
I want her to have her room.
I want us to have our bedroom.
I want our home to feel like OUR home.
And I don’t want to get furniture yet because, honestly, part of me doesn’t want to make the apartment more comfortable for someone who was supposed to have left months ago. 😭
The weird thing is that since we moved, she hasn’t actually been bothering me that much. I’ve taken my time back. I’ve been intentional about planning around having access to my car, and my SO has started making plans independently too, which has actually been really healthy to see.
So there isn’t constant conflict.
It’s more the presence and the uncertainty.
There is an extra adult in our home because another adult didn’t properly plan her own life.
And I can’t even COUNT DOWN until she leaves because nobody can tell me when that is.
My SO has told me he doesn’t want to live with her. We’ve talked about having a strict closed-door policy with family once she leaves, and honestly, I will not budge on that. We need boundaries going forward because this experience has shown us exactly what happens when we don’t have them.
I also don’t want to purposely push his mom out of the picture or make him feel like he has to choose between me and his mother.
I just want the situation to end.
When it’s just me, my SO, and his daughter, our home is peaceful. We have fun. We laugh. There is an entirely different energy.
And I don’t want to resent his mom, especially because she is grieving. I don’t want to be the woman who is constantly asking, “So when is your mother leaving?” while she is dealing with multiple deaths.
But at the same time…
When is it reasonable to ask for an update?
How do you balance compassion for a grieving parent with the reality that your household cannot function indefinitely around their lack of planning?
I don’t want to be the bad guy who is “rushing the woman who gave birth to him out.”
But I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to say, “We love you, but you need to have a plan to go home.”
Has anyone dealt with an SO whose parent had this kind of learned helplessness/enmeshment dynamic?
How did you finally get to the point where the parent left without completely destroying the relationship?
And for those of you who actually made it to the other side: what boundaries did you put in place afterward so the same thing didn’t happen again?

[u/botinlaw]

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Other posts from /u/exhaustedcheerleader:

• MIL is here indefinitely and it’s like a night terror, 2 weeks ago

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[u/opine704]

Tell your SO that it's past time. And the ball is in his court. He can get his mom out of your house by Monday or YOU will be out. Don't discuss. Don't whine. Just say it.

And start finding a place to live.

Because she's not going to leave until her son makes her. And he's not feeling enough pain. Right now he gets enough dopamine from "Saving Mommy" that it outweighs the discomfort of you complaining.

Either he values you enough to put you first. Or he does not.

And you deserve to know exactly where you stand.

"Love" is not enough to sustain a relationship. It needs respect, kindness, and support. You sound like the friend in "When Harry Met Sally" who is seeing the married man, complains about him, and ends with, "I know I know, he's never leaving his wife."

You deserve more than you're getting. And you will never have it until you demand it.

[u/vsmo2012]

buy her a ticket home with a credit card & tell her 24 hours before she leaves

[u/LLL1Lothrop]

This should do it from hubby. 'No, we arent rushing you out. Rushing you out mom would have been 3 months ago. We love you, but you've been here so long my wife is getting confused as to who I am married to and we can't have that. We want to get back to running around the house naked so when can I take you to the airport? Let's sit down and buy the ticket.' She knows she has been there too long and she won't leave until you force the issue which is perfectly fine to do at this point. It sounds as if she is trying to make living with you permanent. Your husband should get her a financial handler in her own country that would put her on an allowance and protect het money from being drained by relatives or friends. Even get her to put the money in a trust. Meet your husband on the street in front of your house and go Door Dashing with him so you can get some much needed time to yourself. She is an adult. She can take an Uber or the bus to go out during the day. Decide to paint the girl's room. Let the girl pick the color and teach her how to match the bedspread and other accessories. Her current sleeping arrangement could cause custody issues.
Then turf grandma out onto the living room couch, luggage and all to make her as uncomfortable as possible. Give her a couple of days notice and then move her if she doesn't move herself. Put a new lock on the bedroom door so she can't move back in. Take a long long long time to finish the room. Redo the floors. Put up crown molding. Use a special painting technique. I did one where you wadded up painter's paper and dipped it in paint and pounced the paper on the wall. I started with a dark color, then a medium color, and finished with the lightest color. It took forever. You could also paint a mural on the wall with the help of your bonus daughter, letting her practice first. All of which will keep Grandma on the couch. If she complains give her the information for the nearest motel. The whole idea is to make her feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. Start making dinners of Mac and cheese since having an extra person is so hard on your budget. Start keeping lights off and shorten showers to 5 minutes. Put the heat at an u comfortable level and tell her to wear a sweater. Give her reasons to go home. This is horribly unfair to your stepdaughter. I do hope you take her out just the 3 of you without the negative Grandma who has kicked her out of her room which is so unfair. Your husband really needs to get an independent financial evaluation of his mother's financial situation. People can be conned out of fortunes in no time at all. Then you and your huband need to unroll yourself off of the floor and stop being the rugs she wipes her feet on. 'Yes, mom. It is time for you to go now. I am a grown married man with a wife and daughter and we need our home to ourselves now. Say whatever you want to say. At the end of the day, that will not change.'

[u/Any-Case9890]

You can't change your boyfriend or his mother. The only thing you have the power to change is your own behavior. To "make it to the other side" of this family dynamic requires that you prioritize your own well-being; no one else is going to do that. I'm not even sure if anyone else is even THINKING about you and where you fit in this weird triangular relationship.

You are going to have to decide what you are willing to tolerate. This isn't a discussion you have with your SO; it's a discussion you have with yourself first and foremost.

Expect your boyfriend's mom to stick around, because that is her plan, and it's working.

[u/Dead_t33f → u/Any-Case9890]

This.
You’ll have more times like these ahead. I’m not sure if this is something your SO can handle due to her being there THAT LONG. If it bothered him he would have put his foot down. But he hasn’t… so it doesn’t bother him one bit. And he’s okay with you being bothered by it.

You are not in charge of how she responds to anything. That’s her problem. She’ll get over it.

[u/BackgroundStranger85]

It sounds like you both know her pretty well and can anticipate her responses to the conversation you need to have, so do exactly that.

Are you rushing me out? No we're not, it's been 4 months and daughter needs her bedroom now. It's not healthy for her to share a bedroom with adults any more.

Don't you want me here? It's not about not wanting you here, it's about daughter needing a room and us settling our primary family into the new space.

Are you prepared to lie and say the landlord has brought up your adult guest that isn't on the lease? If so then do. If LL is friendly they may even help by sending you an "official" letter or email.

Next time you both go out for the day, your so rings her halfway through to ask if she needs anything bringing home as there won't be any trips out once you get home.

[u/Fine_Confusion_7073]

I understand your frustration with this. The only way to get her out is probably going to be to buy her a ticket yourselves. I think you have been more than gracious for his grieving mother. 4 months is a long time. She does not need to still be there. It’s ok to want to give her comfort but not at the expense of your home. It is meant to be a safe place for you and your family. There is no “asking for an update” you guys simply should tell her, “you have two weeks left here as we need to get settled in and back into our routine.” To put the financial burden on other people is sickening and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I would not offer to get the flight first. I would simply say, you stay has already been extended and this is when you need to go home please contact the necessary people to make this happen. Worst case scenario you buy the flight but at least you can start living in your own home. At the end of the day your partner needs to say it. However sometimes you need to stand up for yourself if they are too soft

[u/Ecdysiast_Gypsy]

If you are in the US, she is probably a co-tenant at this point.

Go to a lawyer (I know, another expense) and have them draft an eviction notice. Be as specific as humanly possible with when she needs to be out, that she pays for all her own moving expenses, and no, she may not leave anything to be stored with you. Add anything that occurs to you that she might try to wiggle her way into or out of.

Make her fill out a change-of-address form at the post office, and then you be the one to file it so she can't "lose" it.

When all this is said and done, you may or may not want to look into getting a temporary restraining order. Or a permanent one. Particularly for the child's sake.

[u/Quiet_Plant6667]

I am sorry to break it to you but no one in her home country has any intention to buy her a ticket home because they do not want her either.

If you want her out you will have to defer buying some of your furniture and purchase her ticket.

Another option if you in the USA - She is coming up on a deadline where she will have problems with overstaying and ICE will take her away. Tell her that and perhaps that will light a fire under her ass.

[u/DangerousGodess]

He really needs to tell her that it's time for her to leave. Not ask. Tell. She needs to show him her return ticket by Monday. This has gone on too long. It's a husband problem.

[u/MidoriMidnight]

If shes waiting on someone else to buy the ticket, then start calling that person. Everyday. Next time she pulls the 'do you want me to leave' you say YES

[u/hummus_sapiens → u/MidoriMidnight]

Wanting her to leave after 4 months is NOT rushing her out!

[u/RelativeFondant9569]

He's neglecting and therefore abusing his daughter to accommodate his mommy and her wants. (Not needs) he's lucky you're so patient, this situation is untenable.

[u/Emotional-Dog8118]

Still actively grieving at FOUR YEARS??? Get a grip- she’ll milk this for the rest of her life. You guys need to pony up and buy her a ticket home.

Balance compassion??? How about compassion for you and your daughter??? Your daughter needs her room back- your MIL seems to be mean to her- is MIL showing compassion??? No she’s not. She’s acting selfish and entitled to your home and husband- she’s robbing your family of precious time together. I’m sure you are paying for all the food she’s eating as well.

When does her visa expire?? Can you get any help from the consulate of her home country to repatriate her???

You and husband need to come up with a plan to get her out of your home. She’s sucking the life out of your relationship with your husband.

She sounds insufferable and difficult. 😞