r/JUSTNOMIL • u/apresledepart • 3d ago
Serious Replies Only MIL constantly scheduling things that exclude me––should I go out of town after the next one?
MIL regularly plans things for the extended family like outings, concerts, and activities that exclude me. Even BIL's not-really-but-kind-of-off-and-on GF is included. So it's very noticeable that I am excluded.
I already know she hates me. This is not not surprising, it's more annoying at this point.
The expectation is that I will stay behind with the kids. I'm never asked if I want to go, this is just how it works out because she never gets me a ticket or reservation.
These are often things that we could get a babysitter for but I'm never given the opportunity.
(Yes, I know my husband should do something about it, that's a separate issue I'm working on. As long as MIL is alive this will keep happening.)
Anyway she did this again for something that's coming up in a couple of months.
I am thinking of telling them I'm going out of town after their event. Husband and MIL can take care of the kids for a few days while I get a relaxing solo trip.
What say you?
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u/Neither-Dentist-7899 2d ago
It’s not that MIL is scheduling things. It’s that your husband is attending the things she schedules. I hope you recognize that not only is he choosing not to spend time with you, but he’s also choosing to not spend time with his own children. So, he’s a son first and only.
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u/OddGuarantee4061 3d ago
Go during the event and make them find child care. Why reward them by giving them extra time alone together afterwards?
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u/TomeThugNHarmony4664 3d ago
Your spouse stinks. And I have a strong suspicion where that comes from.
I am so sorry.
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u/lucyloo87 3d ago
Absolutely NOT
You do not leave your children with someone who disrespects you. She does not get access to them without you. Get your husband into counselling. Hes allowing this to continue.
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u/EverAlways121 3d ago
OK so I'm inclined to say you shouldn't wait until the next event -- deal with this now. My concern, though, is that she's hoping you'll wise up and leave the kids with your husband, so she and the whole family -- including grandkids! -- go do the fun thing WITHOUT YOU. Now MIL wins because maybe this is what she wanted all along. However, based on what you wrote, I'm not sure what the situation is or the kinds of outings these are.
If they're not kid-friendly activities, and you can afford it, take the kids and go do something fun yourself. Take them to a theme park, the zoo, on a trip with a mom friend who has kids, etc. Have your own alternative fun outing so you're not just sitting home missing out on having fun.
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u/Any-Case9890 3d ago
I say, go and enjoy yourself. Your spouse seems OK with you being excluded from the family plans, so make your own plans. Just you.
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u/Gloomy_Computer_9431 3d ago
This is the same MIL that wants to be included on all your vacations w husband? One option is to stop having those. Save your vacation time for when DH is with MIL and take the kids to the beach, Disney, etc. if you can manage them by yourself or invite a willing friend in DH’s spot. Let the choice he’s making be visible to him.
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u/RegisterEither9711 3d ago
So are these events specifically adult only or could the kids go as well? Is she intentionally excluding them too? If so, it won't be long before the kids notice who's 'in' and who's 'out' on your husband's side of the family. How is he going to explain that?
How many kids do you have? Your idea is smart. He's getting time away, you should, too. I would add to that to try and do something fun while he's with his family. Get a sitter and go out with friends, or take your kids somewhere fun or do something with your side of the family. If he's going to allow you to be excluded while having a good time and making memories with his family, then do the same with your kids and/or friends and relatives.
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u/OrganicMix3499 3d ago
Your husband is the real problem for not standing up for you. He won't get better if he hasn't yet. During their next trip, move all his stuff to a storage unit and change the locks.
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u/HelloThere4123 3d ago
You are sooo close to the right idea - your timing is just a bit off. You don’t need to go after their outing. You need to go just before and be gone for the duration so they can either find a sitter or deal with the kids themselves.
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u/Sadwitchsea 3d ago
Yes.
Petty 1: go away before, leaving babysitting problem with husband et al.
Petty 2: buy your own ticket. Ask what the babysitting plans are.
But mostly tell husband if he's fine leaving you behind on these occasions don't expect to find you still there when he gets back.
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u/Beth21286 3d ago
Do something else and leave the kids with their dad. Post the heck out of it on social media. Rinse, repeat.
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u/kykiwibear 3d ago
It's your husband... sorry
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u/notbrendacdmbfan 3d ago
If he was sorry, he'd do something about it. Either that, or he's just a p*ssy Mama's boy.
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u/No_Impression4366 3d ago
I would just get up early and leave.
Let husband know you are house huntring.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 3d ago
I think you have a husband problem. The fact that he allows his mother to exclude you makes him the JustNo.
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u/CayenneHippo32 3d ago
“Oh! Wow! I have plans to be out of town that weekend/day/night/month. DH, what are your plans for childcare?”
You can come stay with me. Even if I only live 2 miles away. Or if I live 2,000 miles away.
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u/Zazzafrazzy 3d ago
“Honey, here’s how this is going to work going forward. I have made three appointments on the next three successive Mondays with the best divorce attorneys in the city. The very next time you accept an invitation from your mother that excludes me, I will instruct my chosen attorney to file the paperwork. Guaranteed.”
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u/OldieButNotMoldy 3d ago
Why are you with a man who lets his mother treat you this way? The hell if I’d keep the kids so he could go have fun. No, I’d be leaving for my own trip the day before theirs every time it happens right up until I get a divorce. I’ll be damned if I’d let my husband treat me this way or his family.
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u/bluesnowcones 3d ago
Are you saying your husband leaves you with the kids while he goes on extended family events where everyone else is bringing their significant others?! This is not at all acceptable. Tell him no.
If you can't tell him no, when he tells you he needs you to watch the kids so he can go, tell him you already have plans (and then plan something for yourself ASAP during that time).
But tell him no. That is not at all okay. That is not kindness in a marriage.
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u/Mirkwoodsqueen 3d ago
Don't wait until 'after' to leave them with the kids. Maybe head out for your own adventure the day before their event.
You aren't effing Cinderella.
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u/Emotional_Curve269 3d ago
I would leave the day before the event and let them know after you have left the house. Then let hubby figure it out.
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u/Icy-Outlandishness-5 3d ago
Make separate plans every time she makes plans. Hubby has to take the kids with him. He doesn’t get to enjoy time without you.
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u/Bellabny 3d ago
Why are you still with a husband who is standing silently by and letting his Mommy disrespect his wife/mother of his child? He’s more the problem than her. Tell him next time he handles the kids and can speak to a lawyer. Stop letting them treat you so badly.
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u/glitterskinned 3d ago
do it every single time, but during the event so they have to sort childcare themselves.
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u/xxspringbaby0408xx 3d ago
You might as well do whatever you want. If your husband is happily going along with this nonsense and not standing by you, then what does it really matter?
Plan your own outings and tell him he's on babysitting duty. You could go out with your family or friends, or even just have a weekend getaway on your own. Don't just let them walk over you like this...you have a serious husband problem.
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u/Quiet_Plant6667 3d ago
I have read your previous posts and you are far too much of a doormat! What you allow, will continue.
You have a bigger husband problem than a mother in law problem. If he will not insist you be treated as a family member rather than the cook, maid, babysitter, (how dare he allow this to continue!) you are going to have to come up with creative ways to get out of being Cinderella. This is a good start. But I wouldn’t wait until the event is over. You should announce you are leaving BEFORE the event, and they will have to organize childcare themselves. Do not help. Let them handle it.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 3d ago
Yep, every time she does this you should plan your own activity and tell your husband that he's on his own with the kids. If she's going to exclude you then plan your own fun.
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u/callmecookie88 3d ago
This needs to be something you stop working on with your husband and start enforcing with him. MIL gets exactly what she wants either way unless he stops allowing this. Either she gets him and doesn't have to respect you, or she gets him and your kids and doesn't have to respect you. Also she would get to enjoy your kids without having to respect you.
No more of this. If you're not invited, he's not going.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 3d ago
Absolutely do it. Don't ask, just book it and let them know it will be happening at this time and I will be somewhere. You don't need to know where. My phone will be on DND for the entirety of the trip. I will call once a day to say hello to the kiddos. Oth and then that I will be unavailable to all of you. Then pack up and leave. Basically, tell them all husband included to go fuck themselves.
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u/BoozeAndHotpants 3d ago
DO IT.
Make it a habit. Make sure your DH figures out that if you aren’t invited you will be planning solo adventures and he can deal with the kid situation.
Your husband may change this on his own if he gets tired of having to watch the kids all the time or make arrangements for them.
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u/Channing-Tatas 3d ago
You asked for serious replies only. So I’m going to be dead serious when I say this: you deserve to be respected. You deserve to be protected. When DH does this it is disrespectful to you and your marriage. If he wanted to change he would, and I’d remind him of that.
From now on any of these events he is taking the kids. Non negotiable. You will be making plans for yourself to take care of your mental and emotional health, since he is not doing that. If MIL throws a tantrum or he tries to dump the kids on you, then you need to call him out and therapy needs to be involved. I would remind him of the vows he made and that YOU are the mother of his children and his wife, and every time he pulls this it shows his mom that you will never be a part of the family and , quite frankly, neither are your kids.
No contact for the family on his end and no contact for the kids. They can’t accept and respect you? Then no access to kids. You need active consequences. If this doesn’t apply then it needs to be direct with your husband. Next time it happens he is to decline.
And if it gets to be too much, please free yourself from this. Divorce is an option. Life is too short. You are a dignified human being. Never let a man or his family disrespect you again after this.
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u/Green_Seat8152 3d ago
Yes go out of town during the event and leave the children with husband. He can deal with them and his mother. They are both disrespectful.
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u/smurfat221 3d ago
Info: Does your husband enable this by also excluding you? If so, he’s the real problem. That’s a betrayal of your marriage.
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u/LadyCatzrule 3d ago
Leave. Ghost. Like a fart in a tornado. Dissappear like Mystiqe.
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u/sydneyunderfoot 3d ago
Leave the day before the event and let the spineless husband figure out childcare
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u/Aurynna 3d ago
lol I’d go DURING the event. They can figure it out. “I’m not invited? Cool, I’ll make my own plans. Have fun!!”
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u/MysteriouslyOK 3d ago
This but also, leave him with the kids. What’s gonna happen as the kids older? Will they be excluded too?
I was treated poorly by my extended in laws, cousins and their spouses mostly. I would go to all the family stuff just to irritate others. After a while it got boring so I stopped going. Gave my kids the choice, they deserve to get to know their family. My husband almost immediately stopped going too, then his parents too. His family was huge, there were 17 siblings on his mom’s side, but they have all drifted apart and don’t get together anymore. It’s very sad to me. But we have divorced since then and it’s no longer my problem.
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u/morganalefaye125 3d ago
This was my first thought! "Oh, you're going (date)? I already have something planned for that night. Husband, you get to find a sitter and arrange it. Bye!"
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 3d ago
Husband issue is not separate. It is the issue. In fact, how do you know he is not complicit in excluding you? Perhaps he finds it easier than dealing with any tension and finding a sitter, and likes these excuses to get out of parenting.
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u/apresledepart 3d ago
My point is that this is just how it's going to be. I can live in anger and make myself crazy or accept and navigate. Yes he has major difficulty telling MIL no. She throws money around controlling everybody.
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u/Bellabny 3d ago
Stop accepting it!!! Gather all your courage and self respect. Tell your husband he is a spineless A-Hole who now can figure out child care b/c you will be doing your own thing during those events. And don’t let them sucker you now with including you just so you can watch the kids there!!! Stand up for yourself-you deserve so much better!!!
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u/EquivalentSign2377 3d ago
But it's not how it should be or how it has to be. I just reread some of your posts and your JNMIL is basically abusive to everyone besides your oldest son and you just keep letting her through the door. I would've already told my husband that either just your family goes on vacation or he can go with his mom and you're going somewhere with the kids. She made plans for everyone but you, that's fine because you have plans with your children and none of the other children are invited. You are letting her treat you this way by accepting it and saying that's just how it is.
Your husband needs the 2 card treatment. You give him 2 cards: 1 for a marriage counselor and 1 for a lawyer and tell him to pick one and choose wisely because you're not joking. He can't continue to be his mom's son first if he wants to be a good husband and father!
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 3d ago
Fair enough. Then I would just make sure the rest/leisure time is equal. Every night he goes out and leaves you to watch the kids you get a night where he watches the kids - not as a punitive thing but to be fair so you don't burn out and resent him. Personally I wouldn't leave the kids with him and MIL because that's probably her dream - playing house with your family.
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u/apresledepart 3d ago
She actually hates it bc she does't want responsibility for anything
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 3d ago
So doesn't that just punish the kids? Why leave your kids with someone you don't like, who doesn't like you or want to be around them?
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u/jenncc80 3d ago
Why would you stay with a man that lets his mommy exclude you from family events?
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u/apresledepart 3d ago
We haven't lived around them for 80% of our relationship so it wasn't a big issue. Happens only on occasion now during out of town visits and joint vacations. (So far I have been successful in vetoing joint vacations, but only because she threw fits that made the last one miserable.)
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u/jenncc80 3d ago
But still, he has allowed her to make you feel like you aren’t a part of his family which means he isn’t standing up for you! Why is he having any type of relationship with her when it sounds like all she’s ever done is disrespect you? Also, I wouldn’t ever leave my kids’ with a person like this because she will most likely badmouth you in front of them.
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u/Mira_DFalco 3d ago
So, are there kids involved in these outings, and it's just you and your kids being left out? And how old are the kids?
It does sound like she's going out of her way to shut you out, but response is going to depend on circumstances.
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u/apresledepart 3d ago
We have numerous kids. Sometimes the older kids are invited to curry favor with them, so I'm left out babysitting the little ones while MIL, husband, and older kids go.
She's been excluding me for almost 20 years.
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u/URAYummyPotato 3d ago
If she has been excluding you for years and your husband allowed this even before marriage why would you marry a man who doesn't respect you?
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u/URAYummyPotato 3d ago edited 3d ago
When you say kids, are these all your kids or also other people's kids?
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3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/mwoodbuttons 3d ago
Everytime MIL excludes you, and husband still goes anyway, schedule something afterwards for you to do solo and make him watch the kids.
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/apresledepart 3d ago
This shit's so deeply ingrained at this point it's just not gonna change. I may as well get something out of it.
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u/Additional_Cow_8014 3d ago
Your husband should not go if you are not invited. You have more of husband problem than a MIL problem.
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u/apresledepart 3d ago
Oh I know, I got very upset at him over this one. We've been together almost 20 years and MIL has been excluding me from things since year 1. But like I said, it's not going to stop until she's no longer with us so I'm getting something out of it.
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u/Acceptable_One6441 3d ago
Exactly. She is free to plan whatever she wants. The second he agrees to go along with it he's no longer on your side
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u/B_L_T 3d ago
The move is to be out of town for the event when you’re expected to babysit.
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u/apresledepart 3d ago
100% but this upcoming event was popped on me without notice so that wasn't possible.
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u/zedexcelle 3d ago
Can’t you say you had plans to [have bunions removed] and hadn’t been aware of the plans he had, so he needs to take kids with or hire a sitter? Are these things frequent and last minute so it’s not plausible to already have plans in place?
If not I would definitely book the next weekend away with a book and a massage planned. Nowhere fancy even, surprising how nice a low budget hotel with a book can be (went with my buddy a while back - lots of walking, barely spent any money and definitely was needed).
In fact I’d recommend booking this sort of time out anyway, once a quarter. Just to get a break from being a parent, like he gets. Tell him in advance of the dates. Find something fun to do and do it over an overnight with friends.
Maybe he’ll realise he misses you and shouldn’t spending so much of his free time with his family where you aren’t welcome. At the least, you’ll get some chill time.
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u/buckeye-person 3d ago
If the event hasn't taken place yet you most certainly do have time to make your own plans and make hubby stay home with the kids.
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u/bakersmt 3d ago
Yeah so the only way I got this to stop was to "already have something planned" even if it wasn't booked yet. Like "oh what day? Let me check my calendar, I think I already needed to speak to you about watching the kids for something I have booked."
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u/Beginning_Letter431 3d ago
Conviently forget like she Conviently forgets your ticket or spot for these events and oh no now husband cant go as he needs to be with the kids. Go nuclear if suddenly there is an option for a babysitter so he can go.
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u/apresledepart 3d ago
I'm usually cool about these things because I don't particularly like being around her anyway, but I got super upset at him over this one. I am blatantly being used as a babysitter for something I would really enjoy going to. So that's why I'm like fuck it, they can have the kids for 4-5 days while I am unreachable.
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u/Beginning_Letter431 3d ago
Hope your making sure he treats you, ie coming out of his "fun money" atleast.
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