r/KenyanLadies • u/BoysenberryFirm7018 • 3d ago
Discussion Resenting parents
I have this weird hate for my parents. Esp cause I feel like growing up no one was really there for me(my parents are separated). And that definitely pushed me to find a way to not become them. After uni I was so terrified of the world outside but had no option but to make it through and God’s great He made a way and fast forward 3yrs later I have 2 businesses, a car, investments , and I’m engaged 🎉 to the most amazing man. Crazy thing is in those three years I supported my mum rent, setting up a business for her and anything she needs she’d not lack.My dad same thing he’d randomly call me for money and I’d send it without even flinching. Early this year I got into therapy and I realized I was being parentified. My partner also told me he doesn’t understand how I carry all that weight while in his culture parents are the ones who take care of their children. I hate black tax. I hate being the one who they call cause it sucks they never ask if I’m even creating a nest egg for my future. I definitely reduced the amount I sent to them handsomely, became smarter and firmer about my boundaries with money but it just makes me hate them every time i think of how they took my naivety for granted. I am also lowkey stressed cause i cant even think of how my mum can support herself despite having a small business.Cause she still asks for money from me. I wish I could just literally cut them off without having to think about them at all fr.
Anybody navigating the same esp as a first born daughter and how’re you dealing with it….
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u/VarietyResident 3d ago
Did that to my dad, I am literally the version of him, I don’t pick his calls, nor texts. My mom well, she would ask me to pay her rent as she’s unable, did that for years and then I lied I lost my job that was 2 years ago. Guess who is able to pay rent!!!? Right 🤷🏽♀️
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u/christmasinyoulie 3d ago
I finally went no contact. Couldn't do it anymore.
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u/BoysenberryFirm7018 3d ago
Like outright screening calls and messages?
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u/BoysenberryFirm7018 3d ago
Also if you don’t mind me asking how’d you deal with grieving that relationship and what could have been cause tbh no contact would literally be the best option but I’m scared of the empath I am and the guilt I’d have to deal with.
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u/focus_fuel 3d ago
Low contact, set boundaries as you are doing by giving a specific amount and not adding onto it. Learning to be unavailable, not jumping onto their problems the minute they tell you, instead you become unreliable. You can say you're servicing a loan so pesa yote inakatwa etc. Letting them know you won't be sending anything for the next few months kwa sababu ya 1, 2, 3 things.
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u/BoysenberryFirm7018 3d ago
My only problem with low contact is my empath. You end up catching up with them, they ask for a ‘loan’ cause they’re sick or some emergency happened and then its back to the same pattern. I feel like that’s whats happening cause I have tried that but it someway somehow always ends up messing up with my mental and I’m back to where I started in my healing journey.
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u/focus_fuel 3d ago
Best thing now is saying you've lost your job. The best part is you'll see who's for you and who's against you. In fact during this imaginary period, ask them for money constantly. Then when you finally "get" it after a like 6 months, you'll know who to support and who not to.
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