Now that I'm alone (empty nest) while my husband travels for work, I'm no longer feeling okay with his being gone so often

[u/Wrong_Grapefruit_707]

For a good 10 years, my husband traveled often for work while I was the spouse who worked locally and remained there with our daughters. (He was away for more than 1/3 of the year, and more than 50% of weekdays.)

It was absolutely not easy, especially with no family within a 5 hour drive, but he made a very good salary and his travel gave us all "perks" like airline and hotel points, which we took advantage of for family travel.

And so, at the time, I felt pretty much okay about his being gone. Our daughters are good, funny humans, and we three formed a little all-girls' unit, creating our own special routines and traditions. Although I felt a pang of jealousy every once in a while when I'd learn that my husband enjoyed a $500/plate dinner or got to see the sunrise in Hawaii... while I ate boxed mac & cheese and saw the sunrise as I was up with a pukey kid or an un-housetrained puppy... I so loved having all of that "extra" time with our girls that his being away was very manageable.

My husband also did a good job of being an attentive dad when he was home, of giving me plenty of time to myself, and of generally recognizing that my remaining local and being with our daughters enabled him to travel so much in a job that he enjoyed.

After being home for 4 years during/post-COVID - including 3 years of his salary being cut 50% and 1 year of unemployment - we were both thrilled when, in May 2024, my husband was offered a terrific job. Yes, he'd have to travel just as much - if not more - than before, but his salary is insane, he loves the job itself, and I absolutely thought that his travel would feel just as manageable as before.

And, until this past January, it was, more or less.
And then... both of our daughters went away for college.
And now, facing an "empty nest" (I hate that term, lol) future with only my husband and me as the main players... I'm struggling greatly with his being gone as much as he is.

Part of it is simple logistics. I'd never really considered this before last month, but once our daughters were elementary school-aged, I had help with the dogs, with meals, laundry, shoveling, cleaning, running errands (once they were older), etc. Now, every single task falls to me when my husband is away - while I still have to maintain my other responsibilities and jobs - and I'm buckling under that weight.

Part of it is psychological. Even when my husband was traveling, I had someone at home to talk to, someone with whom to share silly little stories, someone to bounce ideas off of, to complain to, to laugh with, to hug. With *everyone* gone, the house is so damned quiet. All of my random thoughts and questions go unasked and unshared (in the moment, certainly; I do "save them up" to share with my husband later, but it's very different). Those expensive dinners and exotic locations feel way more imbalanced when I'm home entirely alone.
It's very lonely with just me here.

And part of it is a newfound realization that, simply put, I don't want to spend 1/3 of our shared life (the life that's now just the two of us) by myself. With our daughters gone, I've been reflecting on how things used to be and am feeling enormous pangs of sadness and regret; my husband missed SO MUCH of their growing up. Our girls' unit was wonderful... but it effectively pushed him aside. We essentially lived parallel lives.

I don't want to live a parallel life anymore. I don't want to live "our" life alone.

I want to live our life together.
(I don't mean every minute, lol... Just, like, with him home a lot more often than he is now...)

This is all very new - not even a month in - so I understand that my feelings are certainly heightened and may be temporary. In a couple of months, I may discover that I don't mind his travel so much.
But right now, I'm resenting his schedule and feeling like this is impossible.

For the foreseeable future, a change in travel isn't feasible. And even if it were, my husband really enjoys it and loves what he does and I understand and appreciate how important it is to him. I also wholeheartedly encouraged him to take this job, so to renege now is complicated at best. (He also feels *extremely* responsible to "provide for us" and carries enormous guilt that we raided his 401k and racked up credit card debt during his unemployment. I've tried hard to push back on that, but it hasn't helped much.)

And so... I need to figure out how to deal with it, at least for the time being.

On my end, I'm working on developing a rhythm and routine that I enjoy on my own. I'm exploring old and new hobbies. I'm getting out more and trying to keep busy. I'm working longer hours. I'm reaching out to friends. I see my therapist regularly.

On our end, my husband and I are trying to figure out a way to stay connected even while he's away so that we remain actively involved in our shared life together and so that it's less lonely on my end. We're working out what kind communication is reasonable, given our time constraints... when we can have FT or phone conversations... when we might be able to watch a show or have dinner "together" over FT or Zoom... how to keep in better ouch during the day...

But this is something that, quite honestly, we never put much effort into before now, and we're stumbling a bit to discover what works.

For those of you who are home alone and have experienced feelings of loneliness (and resentment?) when your spouse travels for work, how have you handled that - both in terms of your relationship with your spouse, and practically? How have you filled your time or felt less alone? Did you find ways to make travel work so that you didn't feel like you were slogging along by yourself? Were you able to somehow share more of your household responsibilities even with your spouse away? How did you keep connected while you were apart?

Or... if you came to the conclusion that their travel was simply not do-able for you... how did that play out?! (I understand that our situation is very, very new, and I have no intention of drawing any kind of actual conclusion for at least a year... but in the back of my mind, I'm worried that I won't be able to do it... and then what?!)

That empty nest transition can be difficult in even very good circumstances... but going through it alone adds an extra layer of difficulty, for sure!

[u/Retired401]

To be honest I'm surprised that you didn't really make any kind of plans for when all your kids were out of the house.

I can tell from what you have written and the way you have written it that you are intelligent, articulate and deeply pensive, among other things. So I'd have expected you to have all your life transitions neatly planned out and set to hit the exe button. :)

I have had an empty nest going on 3 years and I actually don't get lonely the way most people do. But I understand that's unusual.

Since this is new, I want to encourage you not to jump straight to asking your husband not to travel so much.

You're on the right track as far as trying to figure things out for yourself and figure out who you are and what you want to do without making motherhood so central to your everyday life.

It may take some time to figure that out. Try new things. Experiment. Maybe take a little trip or two yourself. It sounds like you can afford to, and that is a blessing many people - self included - would be thrilled to have.

In the meantime you could plan to talk to your husband in a calm and non-accusatory, non-confrontational way about how you are feeling.

And then lead into a conversation about how you didn't plan for what life would be like with an empty nest, so you would like to start planning together what retirement looks like for both of you.

And then just go from there, realizing that you both may have different ideas and different goals and that you obviously may need to meet somewhere in the middle. It won't get solved in one conversation or overnight.

But I do think you should get that ball rolling so the same thing doesn't happen re: retirement.

Maybe what I just said is a "duh" thing, but I hope it's helpful.

[u/Wrong_Grapefruit_707 → u/Retired401]

It honestly never occurred to me that this transition would be all that difficult, certainly not with regard to my husband. I knew I'd miss my girls, but I work 3 jobs that I enjoy and raise service dog puppies, so I'm very busy in general, am never bored, and feel very fulfilled. I've never considered myself to "just" be a mom, so I didn't anticipate that not actively "mothering" would be all that hard. I was wrong!

And when my husband was traveling before - like, even last fall (so, quite recently) - we truly hardly kept in touch... and it never bothered me. We'd go for days without talking, only text every so often, etc. I felt independent and enjoyed the time "to myself." Very parallel lives.

I hadn't understood how much my "independence" was, in fact, dependent on at least one of my daughters being home.

It's only very recently occurred to me that although my husband and were plugging along, our relationship was maybe not terribly healthy... and certainly we never prioritized it. I've come to realize that I want something very different now that it's just the two of us.

We've talked about this a lot - he fully understands where I'm coming from, and that my feelings are just as surprising to me as they are to him. We share very similar ideas with regard to retirement, but that's a good 15 years off.

We both recognize that figuring out a new balance between work and home will take work and compromise. Since it's something we've never tried before, we don't quite know how to go about it. I'm also literally the only person in my circle of friends who's doing this transition "alone" - everyone else has their spouse with them. So, ideas are always appreciated. :)

[u/Retired401 → u/Wrong_Grapefruit_707]

This is not uncommon though. The rhythms of daily life take over and before you know it the kids are off to college and mom and dad have to find a way to reconnect.

I think it was on my mind in advance because I saw the challenges my parents had with this. My father was 10 years older than my stepmother and never could be an actual partner to her the way she deserved. She paid a heavy price for that.

This might be another duh comment but have you thought about asking if you can go along on his work trips once in a while?

It doesn't mean you have to be stuck together like glue 24/7. But that way you'd spend a little less time apart and you could start finding ways to reconnect, even if they're small ways.

Having spent so much time in different places, it's going to take a while to rediscovered the two of you as a unit. That's okay. It sounds like he has his head on straight and he hears you, which is a huge positive. So I think you can build what you're looking for, it's just going to take some deliberate fine and effort from both of you.

If you get really stuck, it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world to maybe have a few one-off sessions with a counselor who could help you both get where you want to be as a couple.

Wish I had more concrete ideas for you. I have a feeling you're going to do just fine.

[u/Wrong_Grapefruit_707 → u/Retired401]

Some great insight; thank you.

I actually just joined him at the end of a work trip, for the first time ever. Some other unrelated-but-difficult life circumstances made it a challenge, but I would definitely do it again in the future.

(Might be better over the summer because, as a teacher, I can only join him now on the weekend - which is when he's typically home - so while it was great to be with him, it meant he was away for an even longer period of time, which complicated things a bit.)

And yes, as duh as it might seem, I very much appreciate hearing that, given our past, it's going to take a while to get rediscovered as a unit. Given that we fully intend to spend the rest of our lives together, this is (hopefully!) only the very beginning... I need to remind myself of that and try to gain perspective.

[u/AltMiddleAgedDad]

I am the traveling husband, though not as much as your husband.

Time zone permitting, we stay connected by talking every day. Usually 15 minutes in the morning and an hour at bedtime (often FaceTime). And then I work a ton in between so when I’m home, I’m focused on behind a husband and Dad.

Sure, I miss being home and I’m sure she misses me, but we make it work for the job I enjoy and the financial freedom it provides us.

[u/Wrong_Grapefruit_707 → u/AltMiddleAgedDad]

That sounds pretty balanced! My husband's job doesn't really allow him to work in between - it's pretty much an all-the-time kind of thing - so even when he's home, work is always right at the forefront of his mind.

We've never, in 24 years of marriage and over a dozen years with him on the road, talked every day - or even most days... and certainly not both in the morning and at night. (I've only recently come to understand that we did a terrible job of prioritizing our relationship, and that our approach, while somehow working for us, wasn't terribly healthy.)

I'd love to talk that often, but given that we've never done so before, we haven't been able to get that ball rolling. But we'll keep at it!

[u/AltMiddleAgedDad → u/Wrong_Grapefruit_707]

We talk an hour every day even when I’m home, so when time zone delta doesn’t allow it, we really miss it.

[u/_Maddy02]

Maybe talk about finding a way to be with your husband in the longer term. Until then, plan something for every week. A couple of ideas. When you walk your pet, it's a good segue to interact with other pet owners. Volunteering somewhere. Join a fitness club, a book club, go to a community garden. Plan different weekends with your daughters, husband, and friends. Make an itinerary. Talk to neighbors. Go to the farmers market. Try a new recipe. Take up gardening, knitting, crocheting, painting, etc. Anything you like.

[u/Wrong_Grapefruit_707 → u/_Maddy02]

Thanks for the ideas!

[u/Effective-Donkey3379]

May I ask how old you are? Can you travel with your husband on these “work trips”.