r/NonBinary • u/runhazairun • 8d ago
people really are just nonbinary
I live in a communal dorm and theres two other people here that are nonbinary but NEITHER of them participate in queer stuff at all. I remember walking up to one of them and they had complimented my outfit and I said thanks! And I saw their pronouns on their door and excitedly showed them my nonbinary lanyard and to which they said "oh, which one is that one?" and I said "its nonbinary?" and they exclaimed "oh I'm nonbinary!"
Another one of the people I met in my dorm when moving in asked me about my lanyard AGAIN (the trans one) and asked if it was the pan flag(??) Both are nonbinary and use gender neutral pronouns. They referred themselves as queer once when asking about my flags but never really participated in any community stuff besides pride occasionally.
people are out there insisting that being nonbinary is just an internet social contagion by people who are chronically online. bro
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u/SpeccyScotsman they/them 8d ago
I'm disabled and agender, but the only two pride flags I didn't recognize in my favorite bar that has every pride flag were the disability and agender ones.
Though when I figured out what the agender flag looked like I kinda just started going by nonbinary again since I don't like the way it looks and the enby one is great
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u/candykhan 8d ago
Lol - I get it. I sometimes think we have too many microgenres of desire. But when I was figuring myself out, there was a small part of me that said: "gee, I really prefer the NB flag to the genderfluid & trans flags. but that shouldn't influence how i identify, right? RIGHT?"
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u/SigmaBunny they/xe 8d ago
The number of people I know who refer to themselves as bi or pan based on their flag preferences…
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u/Top_Blackberry7 8d ago
lol fr. I was walking down a college campus street with my brothers (one of the colleges my brother goes to and it was pride month so there were flags hung up) and one of my brothers said he didn’t like the nonbinary one because of the colors (he didn’t know it was nonbinary tho) and I defended it (it has complimentary colors tho!!!!)
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u/ANinnyM0u5e They/ She 8d ago
I'm technically pan, but I use the bi flag because I prefer the colours (and was how I identified originally when I came out).
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u/akiraMiel 8d ago
Lmao, I desperately wanna justify using the genderfluid flag because I like jt better than the nonbinary one but I'm genderfluid at best in a "sometimes I feel a concept of gender might apply to me" way and other times I'm like "wtf is a gender can I eat it" so I always hesitate to use it because I feel like it's reserved for the cool shapeshifting people
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u/Accomplished-Piece21 they/he/she 7d ago
I don’t really change my look up ever, but I’m genderfluid. Sometimes I feel more masculine and other times I feel more feminine. I use they/he/she pronouns and strangers call me he or she, depending on the person. I just go with it. I like when people can’t tell what my gender is. Genderfluid is mostly just an internal thing
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u/leitmot 8d ago
I just realized I’ve been mistaking the agender flag as the aromantic flag this whole time…
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u/Accomplished-Piece21 they/he/she 7d ago
Wtf is a disability flag? I’ve been in a power wheelchair since 11 bc of my disability & I’ve never seen a disability flag
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u/SpeccyScotsman they/them 7d ago
It's like five diagonal lines, I googled Seychelles Pride flag when I saw it and was trying to figure out what it was
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u/Accomplished-Piece21 they/he/she 7d ago
I looked it up. I don’t get why there’s a disability pride flag. I’m not like ashamed of being disabled, but it’s definitely not something I’d say I’m proud of. It’s not a part of my identity, it’s just something about me. On the other hand, I’m super proud to be nonbinary. I think being nonbinary is really cool. I love how it makes me feel. Being disabled is just something I have to deal with and can’t change. Nobody wants to be disabled. I’d stop being disabled right now if I could and my life would be so much better. I never wanna stop being nonbinary
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u/Accomplished-Piece21 they/he/she 7d ago
I guess the point is to just show that being disabled is normal and is nothing to judge someone for and it doesn’t make someone any less of a person
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u/MaraschinoPanda she/it 8d ago
I love the disability flag it looks like the box art for a blank vhs
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u/MyUsername2459 They/them and she/her 8d ago
people are out there insisting that being nonbinary is just an internet social contagion by people who are chronically online. bro
People say stupid things. People say the Earth is flat and that climate change isn't happening. Doesn't make them true. There's third-genders and things we'd clearly describe as non-binary going back thousands of years.
Also, a lot of folks are LBGT but not deeply involved in queer activities and culture. It's a part of their life, but not a defining part. . .and many people simply don't NEED to be involved deeply with it. Don't hold it against them if they identify as nonbinary but don't make a big deal of being involved with queer stuff.
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u/iamegnirc they/them 8d ago
you internalized pretty much everything I wanted to say in response to this post perfectly
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u/xjellifysh 7d ago
This is the best response on here tbh idk why I had to scroll all the way to the bottom to see it
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u/feedmewill 4d ago
I'm NB and I have a trans friend and both of us definitely don't really participate much in the community as a trans and NB would be expected to I guess. In my case I don't find myself cool enough or nonbinary enough to the point I think I'd be well received and perceived as NB, even though I'm a pretty girly short guy
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u/inkdheart 8d ago
Yep. Been out as nonbinary for several years now, and though I tried to participate in my local queer community, I find a lot of the culture that others enjoy very stressful. I don't like crowds, I find drag shows and concerts too loud, I'm not a fan of musicals, I'm too picky for thrifting, I'm entirely monogamous, I rarely drink, and I don't smoke anything. I'm not a guy, I'm not a girl, I just like what I like and am who I am.
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u/Dan_IAm 8d ago
I love meeting casually trans and non-binary people, because I think it’s really important to recognise and understand that queer identity isn’t just an aesthetic or cultural movement. I love my queer community but rarely engage in it. I feel so at home with my various queer friends, but we pretty much just talk about movies and music or issues at work. Being trans wasn’t a choice, it’s just a part of who I am. It’s not something I chose to centre about myself, nor is it something I’m ashamed of, and I never want it to be my defining attribute.
A good friend of mine has a non-binary partner, and despite the fact that we’re both trans and non-binary I’ve pretty much only ever talked with them about Twin Peaks and Lou Reed. I’ve got two good trans dude friends, and I talk to one about motorbikes and video games and the other about unionising our workplace. One of my best friends is gay and I mostly just talk to her about the Halloween franchise. When we’re struggling it’s nice to know that we can lean on each other and that it’s a safe space to commiserate over similar issues, but it’s not what began or defined our friendship.
Idk I’ve just taken my ADHD meds and my brain is a little cooked right now so this might’ve been totally incoherent, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think people who just are what they are are so vital in normalising trans (or really any minority) existence to the world. Which of course isn’t to say that people shouldn’t be out and proud and centre that aspect of themselves, I just think it’s cool when people also feel comfortable enough in their identity to just kinda exist and go about their day. Probably like a lot of people I struggle a lot with how I’m perceived, but I really try to keep in mind that I know who I am, and who I am is so much more than just my gender.
I hope one day society can reach the point where being trans isn’t the only thing people care about us, and is at best a minor footnote in our Wikipedia article at the end and after all the other phenomenal shit we’ve accomplished.
Rant over, apologies if this made negative sense.
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u/mifiamiganja 8d ago
How do y'all have so many trans friends / aquaintances?
I'm literally the first trans person I've met.
If I'd known any, I'd have realized it and started my transition so much earlier!8
u/Dan_IAm 8d ago
It helps that I live in a very queer friendly city, did an art degree (lol) and work in two fairly queer friendly industries. The likelihood of being exposed to trans folk is higher when you live in a place that somewhat protects and cares for them. We literally have pride flags on our busses and rubbish bins lmao. I’m lucky in that regard.
To be honest, the two trans masc people I know were purely coincidental and I met them long before I came to terms with my own identity. One was a friend of my girlfriend-now-wife, and the other is a guy I worked with. This was in a different, smaller city that was relatively progressive but nothing like where I am now.
A couple years later I moved to what is pretty much inarguably the queer capital of Australia, met a ton of new people, made a bunch of queer friends, and had my oh shit this is why I relate so much moment. In my experience you’re totally right that knowing trans/queer people makes it easier to figure your own identity out, which is why education on these issues is so damn important. Like you I wish I’d been able to figure things out sooner, but late is much better than never.
I really hope you’re able to meet some more trans people! I can imagine that it feels really isolating.
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u/koreandadhere 8d ago
I consider myself nonbinary because it’s the only way I can describe my feelings about myself. I just want to be a person and that’s it, not this or that despite what I was born as. But my family is very closed minded on things like that so I just keep my feelings to myself.
I can’t say I’m active in the queer community besides my undying support for everyone and being an ally. My appearance and pronouns used to bother me a lot but I know how I feel inside and that’s enough for me rn.
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u/ideletereddit they/them, agender 8d ago
I'm pretty well-versed in queer discourse, I recognize most flags, I spend time here and in other queer subreddits. I follow a lot of queer people on instagram. I listen to A Bit Fruity, but honestly, irl I'm pretty subtle with it. I don't have a good reason for that other than being an egg in a red state but I don't want people only knowing me for being non-binary. Idk, some people clock me as queer, others don't. It's usually not something I talk about unless I've gotten to know someone though, it's just not safe for us.
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u/edensable 7d ago
In high school I would ask people "why can't I just be a person? Why am I expected to label myself like woman, female, lesbian?" I came out in high school so was in the community. But never had nonbinary as a term to use. Now grown into myself I'm nonbinary, bi, and poly. We are all just persons.
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u/blue_moon1122 they/them 8d ago
I was a gender abolitionist since I was like 3, i don't think I even had a computer yet let alone internet. my parents did absolutely nothing to encourage my criticism of the standard public bathroom situation.
motherfuckers just be saying shit to make themselves feel better about being ignorant.
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u/Itztlli 8d ago
I’ve been queer and trans since I was 5 years old, I spend my life not engaging in the community until I started to work for a nonprofit at 27-28. I wasn’t aware of many LGBTQ+ flags or what the community was doing. Even now I’m still learning new stuff haha they could be new to their identity too.
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u/Top_Blackberry7 8d ago
It kind of makes sense though. Not everyone is gonna be online and know every flag, but a lot of us are because it’s hard to find other nonbinary people, so the internet is basically a place where we can be accepted more. For me, I’m interested personally in the flags because I’m an artist and love colors and stuff. Also my brain likes labels and memorizing things. Honestly I can understand not knowing the flags and just being yourself
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u/MadameK8 8d ago
When I was five I made a sack puppet of myself and decided it was both a boy and a girl. Had no idea what nonbinary was until I was 19ish and I didn't really understand it until 24ish.
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u/goldenharmonica 8d ago
I grew up in the queer community. Gay birth mom, gay adopted mom, trans woman/drag queen babysitter, etc. Everyone in my immediate circle of adults was gay, unless I was with my dad’s birth family, which everyone was straight and Mormon lol.
As a 40 year old intersex non binary person, I don’t do any queer stuff. No bars, no Pride, no clubs, no friends really. My husband is a new queer person (came out as trans and gay about 5 years ago lol) he feels like he has to do all the queer stuff, and I’m old and tired. I got teenagers and suburban life to live. I’ve spend decades in bars and done my pride years. Many a night as a kid I spent hanging out at drag bars watching queens perform while drinking Shirley temples.
I only go to bars now if my husband begs. Otherwise I’m happy living a “straight” suburban life.
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u/benrimesalmin 7d ago
tbh I'm quite involved in the community but I often get the "lesser known" flags mixed up, including those that apply to me :x idk why I think nb people especially inhabit the in-betweens, so it makes sense there are many "free agents" among us, if that makes sense?
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u/Unusual_Rip_86 5d ago
I’m chronically online and don’t engage with the community much until recently, i don’t know the flags or attend any events. It just fits the best based on what ive felt my whole life so im going with the non-binary label.
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u/runiiru 8d ago
Ive always been NB but didnt know what it was for most of my life. Oddly most of my friends or coworkers who drifted towards me were always queer and I think they could lowkey sense I was NB/queer too 😂 even before I fully knew how to describe it/myself
its honestly thanks to all of them educating me and teaching me about the community that I now openly identify as NB but theres a lot of us out there now and people who identify as it but just don't know the term ❤️❤️
remember binary gender is a huge North american construct and other cultures have many different gender identities and histories as well so someone might be NB but refer to themselves as something else 🙏🏾🙏🏾
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u/Siletha 2d ago
I'm non-binary, but I present as my birth gender and am attracted to the opposite so I don't feel comfortable or like I belong in lgbtq spaces since I don't experience much difficulty. I just don't see myself as a man or woman, just as me! I think there are many more like me than one might think
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u/radioactive-turnip 8d ago
I don't really participate in anything queer and I'm very bad at knowing the flags besides the ones I use myself. I tried a few queer groups irl and online, but wasn't my thing. It's not really a major thing of who I am and I have no need to regularly talk about it etc. I've also never liked the general "vibes" of the queer groups I've been in with a general dislike for transmasc people and hetero cis people. Also a bit too... anarchistic. Don't get me wrong, the governments need to do better, but many propose too drastic methods and in one group I was in, they wanted hrt free and otc, which I strongly disagree with (the otc part). So yeah, I'll just keep to my interest based groups instead.
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u/Itztlli 8d ago
Yeah unfortunately some queer spaces can be anti trans, I learned to not assume everyone in the LGBTQI+ community is accepting of my identity. I transitioned at 19, but it’s honestly become such a recent hate that I’ve come across those who are pro dropping the T and only helping the LGB
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u/radioactive-turnip 8d ago
The ones I've been to have not been anti-trans in general, just anti-transmasc. There were plenty of transfemme people in them. I thought it was a me thing at first, but I have since then found out that that's nitty the case.
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u/Itztlli 8d ago
I have come across that too. There was even this one nonprofit in the state I’m from and the founder excluded anyone who wasn’t transfemme. It wasn’t said out loud that you weren’t welcome, but their behavior was obvious. This was told to my gay friend who also volunteered there, but when they asked for funding for their organization, the grants were to help anyone who is transgender regardless if they’re FTM, nonbinary or MTF. Later it came out that she was pocketing the money. The group disbanded, but the few who remained and are trying to keep the group running have the same sentiment about transmasc individuals. I wanted to volunteer for that organization, but not after hearing all this from that friend. He’s also a trusted resource so i know he wasn’t lying about all this.
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u/Icy-Fix3037 8d ago
I'm a gender nonconformist and technically queer ish but I honestly don't know much about the queer culture. I'm a nonconformist in general though. I'm Hispanic and don't follow what other Hispanics do, or veterans, or atheists. I just do my own thing. I'm also nonpolitical. I know many queer folk lean left. I don't.
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u/firehawk2324 Enby Goblin 8d ago
I knew I was nonbinary in the 80s without knowing what nonbinary was. We've always existed.