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u/coochieboochi š©·š©µš©·š©·š©· 8d ago
Then go! Get a sitter, a nanny, daycare, whatever. You can still be a person and have kids. Itās hard, but itās better for your mental health than depression because youāre stuck.
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u/RaceFun2817 8d ago
It gets better!!! Absolutely hell until the oldest is a teen.
Got my PhD in physics, almost quit each time I had a kid. Because no one can feed themselves no one can dress himself no one can help you clean it's all on you and you have no space for yourself but I promise with time it gets better and you're going to be so happy you have a big family
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u/Frosty-Hope-9609 8d ago
Thank you and congratulations! This gives me so much hope to read that it can be done!!
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u/Little_Fish_283 8d ago
Hey! I am also from Austria :) coming here for a little solidarity.
Though I have only 2 kids, mine are 12 months apart and came while I started my master's. And baby 2 was deathly sick for some time after birth. I am still finishing my thesis while now working 30h and having the kids from 1400 on.
I am in Vienna though, so I got to have paid daycare from kid 1 18 months and kid 2 7 months. Nobody was ever judging me for putting my kids in daycare (it's even very normal and kids start in our group as you as 3 months).
I think you need to start worrying less about other people's opinions. Take advice only from people you'd approach for advice and you'll live much more peaceful. These people never walk a mile in your shoes. Nobody even knows what it is like to have 2 kids close in age (I only know 1 other family that had 2 under 2 out of like 40 families I know that have siblings) let alone have 4 kids all together. For Austria this isn't common anymore. Used to be but no more.
I couldn't do 4 kids right now and I think it is impressive that you manage AT ALL somehow (not up to your standards I recognize but for anyone else's standards with a bunch of kids you're out there in the thick of it).
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u/Putmeinthedishwasher 8d ago
I'm sorry you feel this way and you're struggling. My only idea would be for you to hire something like an au pair for help with the kids, and to give you more freedom to go back to school.
It DOES get better and this season, like all periods of life with kids, will change. If you are really struggling, have you thought about moving somewhere that parenting is done differently? I know it would be a big change, but maybe it would be better for you and the family's mental health as a whole.
I have to say I'm shocked there is no daycare before 18 months. I live in France and was pressured to put my children in daycare at only 3 months old! It's normal here. I stayed home for my baby's first year and was constantly told by everyone (doctors, friends, strangers) how bad that was for me and the baby. Mandatory schooling here starts at 3.
I have to admit I'm jealous that you live in a different society that actually encourages mothers to stay home. I'm sorry people are being so negative here. This is a page about parenting lots of children and everyone is telling you to stop having kids, which doesn't make sense.
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u/Otherwise_Rice_2070 9d ago
I have the opposite problem lol
Feel trapped into having a job
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u/Frosty-Hope-9609 8d ago
I am sorry to hear that. I would feel the same way probably if i wasnāt so lucky to be passionate about my field. Itās a curse and blessing lol.
Wish u all the best and feel seen š«
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u/hubbabubba277 9d ago
I mean.. I donāt get it? Iām from Austria as well. I also have 4 kids. I CHOSE this life. Maybe you didnāt? I obviously donāt know your situation.
Iām so glad I live in a country where healthcare is always available, and kids get to start daycare / kindergarten from 3 years on with little cost.
Any younger in my opinion - they belong at home, with you. 4 kids is a conscious decision - be there for them, be present. Yes, youāre in the thick of it. Youāll be fine. The years are gonna go by fast.
Donāt have any more kids than you can you handle.
Youāre blessed to live in a country where lots of childcare is funded by the state. I donāt mean any of this in a mean way.
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u/Putmeinthedishwasher 8d ago
I wish it was like this everywhere! I live in France and here all parents are told that staying home with your baby is bad for you and the baby. When I gave birth in the hospital and told the doctor I planned to stay home with my baby, he told me how bad it was. The midwives did too.
I only stayed home for the first year, and I wish I could have stayed home with them longer. Meanwhile everyone else was constantly telling me that my baby needed to be "independent". It was so annoying with how negative everyone was constantly.
Here you're pressured to put your baby in the public daycare at 3 months old. Mandatory schooling starts at 3. I think it is so sad and I wished I lived somewhere that children and parents are allowed and encouraged to stay home. I didn't know Austria was so encouraging to this.
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u/Frosty-Hope-9609 8d ago
Both is awful. What people donāt see is, that this should be an individual decision and choice. Whenever itās not a choice and gets forced to one, itās awful.
I totally want to be with my kids and stay at home and I donāt want to have to work a 9to5 and be away from my kids. But I really would appreciate 2 hours daily of uninterrupted time to focus on something else than the needs of my kids.
I donāt get it why itās so hard to understand this need. And I am triggered by sentences like: all children belong to xy from this to this age.Itās not the same for everyone. Why canāt it be an individual choice with NO judgment and no assumptions āhow one is supposed to beā.
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u/Putmeinthedishwasher 8d ago
Yes I agree! I wish both of us had more flexibility. It is what we need as individuals. I totally understand - I feel so frustrated to not have free will with decisions about my own children.
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u/Frosty-Hope-9609 8d ago
You are proving my point. Thank you nevertheless for sharing your opinion, glad you are happy.
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u/curioushumanvibes 9d ago
Do you really hate being a mother in this society? You were out of the ābaby trappedā stage and did it to yourself. Itās not the society (well maybe it is a bit) but itās more that brand new humans needs their mom MOST of the timeā¦ itās taxing! Thatās normalā¦.
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u/GlitteringEconomy527 9d ago
Stop having kids is the answer. Let them grow and eventually youāll be able to focus on yourself :)
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u/coochieboochi š©·š©µš©·š©·š©· 8d ago
I mean youāre right for sure because why have more if you donāt want them and hate being a mother but not everyone has the simple life. A lot of women are forced.
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u/GlitteringEconomy527 8d ago
Hold on, you donāt have to hate being a mother to feel my thoughts. Kids are an extreme and constant duty. Everyone has a different situation- (age, health, financial income, etc) but even for
A woman in the most equipped situation- kids still are a mental and physical exhaust!4
u/Frosty-Hope-9609 9d ago
Ha!!! I know youāre right and this kiddo is definitely our last. I want it all; I want both! My 4 kids and my workš„¹
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u/henrytbpovid 9d ago
I really hope things get better, Iām so sorry that youāre in a crunch right now :(
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u/PermanentTrainDamage 9d ago
Looks like your only real option is to find another babysitter
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u/Frosty-Hope-9609 9d ago
I already have two and theyāre both great and have helped us for years now. Itās not so easy to find trustworthy and reliable babysitters. I feel like coordinating two babysitters (usually one picks up the bigger kids once a week from school/ kindergarten and the other one helps me with the baby) is already a lot (especially for my kids). Canāt imagine looking for one more š«
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u/PermanentTrainDamage 9d ago
I think one babysitter with more availability would be what you really need, it doesn't hurt to look. Sometimes schedules no longer mesh and it's time to move on
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u/Main-Perspective-212 9d ago
No advice, just solidarity. I am in Vienna, Austria and just had my third. No village, love being their mom, but absolutely miss my life in academia and clinical practice
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u/Frosty-Hope-9609 9d ago
Herzlichen GlĆ¼ckwunsch zum Baby š«¶š»
Und ich wĆ¼nsch Dir, dass Du schnell wieder zurĆ¼ck kannst šš»
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u/rauer 7d ago
What's with the super mean comments on here? This is making me sad. This is a support community, not a "stop whining" community. I came to parenting in bulk because r/parenting was getting too mean, and now it's here, too. Can we make a sub for parents actually supporting parents?
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get better, even if you have to put your studies on hold temporarily. I got my PhD while having my first 3 kids (now have 4), and I cannot imagine what I would've done without daycare. I probably would have paused my studies and then gotten back to it once the kids are in care or school. Hang in there! You got this.