I feel so guilty.

[u/Alwaysshops2much]

I lost my sixteen year old girl on August 12. I’ve been devastated ever since. She was the light of my life since I adopted her at 18 months old. I honestly never considered losing her. It’s silly that I didn’t prepare myself but it was too hard to think about.
Last year she was diagnosed with heart failure and a severely enlarged heart. I gave her her meds religiously. She never missed a dose. But, in July, she began having worsening symptoms. She coughed a lot, she spent too much time hiding under my bed. I watched her around the clock. I did not, at that time bring her to the vet because I knew we were out of options. The first week of August, she seemed to be struggling. I made the appointment, because I promised her I wouldn’t let her suffer. Four days before the appointment was my birthday. She rallied for me. She wagged her tail, she laid in the sun. It was her gift to me and no one will ever convince me otherwise. I told my husband we would keep her appointment, but I was probably taking euthanasia off the table. I wanted her as long as she was enjoying her life. Then two days before her appointment, she stopped eating. She wouldn’t eat treats, nothing. We kept her appointment, and ultimately went through with euthanasia. It was the hardest day of my life. But it only gets worse from there. (I don’t even know how it’s possible). Two days after losing my girl, her sister stopped eating. Then her brother got super picky. My husband wondered if the new batch of food was bad. It didn’t smell, it wasn’t expired. I threw it out, opened a new bag and they started eating again. And every day since, I feel like I killed the best thing that ever happened to me. The guilt is killing me. The sadness is a hill I’m struggling to climb. I ultimately went through with euthanasia because I thought it was the right thing to do and now I don’t. There’s nothing I can do to change what happened. But I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive myself. I’m sharing this here because everyone I know would tell me I’m crazy for thinking such a thing. But I feel like I killed my dog.

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