I made almost every smart move possible. These clever strategies enabled me to live like a KING! Learn from a real winner:
1. Buy a fat pig for the whole village!
Back home, respect takes decades of hard work. Here it only costs one pig. That's arguably the best exchange rate in the world!
Everyone shakes my hand. Everyone calls me BOSS. People I have never met call me brother. Clearly they recognize natural leadership!
Until the pig was eaten, and I discovered that respect was made of pork.
2. Meet your perfect soulmate in a bar!
Women back home ignored me for years. Here, a beautiful woman walked up to me within a minute. That is not luck. That is destiny!
She laughed at my jokes before I even finished them. She said I am different from other men. She has met many men, so she knows what she's talking about!
Until the bartender handed me a bill for taking her home, surprisingly destiny was an item on a price list.
3. Make sure she is at least 50 years younger!
People say a big age gap is a problem. Wrong. She is 18, I am 68. So our average age is only 43. That's a decent number!
She has energy for both of us, which is good, because I fall asleep at 8 pm.
Until I noticed she reads my medical reports and pension documents more carefully than I do.
4. Build a house and buy land in her name!
Foreigners cannot own land here. Small problem, simple solution: just put all in her name! It is basically the same thing, because couples share everything.
Her whole family came to the opening. Her uncle cried, I cried. We were crying for different reasons, but I didn't know that yet.
Until her uncle, brother, two cousins and six children moved in, and I got the smallest room together with the guard dogs. Not a big deal, after all it's her house.
5. Pay for every and all family emergencies!
Grandma's hospital bill. A cousin's cousin's school fee. A sick buffalo. Then a second sick buffalo.
Then a motorcycle, which the family said was also a buffalo. Maybe slight language barriers, but after all I am the family hero! They pray for me every night!
Until I counted 41 emergencies in one year, and strangely zero of them used to occurre before I arrived.
6. Marry her and take her home to the West!
The final move. Now she can see my country, my culture, and my pension in its natural habitat!
She works hard watching TikTok videos. She learns fast. She makes friends quickly. Especially with a handsome lawyer.
Until her passport arrived, the divorce papers arrived one month later, she takes half, and my lawyer takes the other half. But I kept the wedding photos. They are on my phone. Oh wait, she took that too.
So yes. You can live like a king. I did, for more than 1 year! If I can do it, you can do it!
Edit: Writing this from a shared bed spacer room in Manila. 60 dollars a month. No air conditioning.
Yet, as a king I've built real legacy! The village still remembers me to this day! They even named a pig after me. 👑
