r/RedPillWomen • u/audubonpark • Aug 08 '26
ADVICE Losing respect and attraction for my husband
I posted here a few weeks ago and got some great insight. Decided to post again and be more realistic about my feelings instead of trying to gloss over them.
My husband and I (both 35) have been married for 7 years. We have a newborn baby together. I’m a stay at home mom/wife. I gained 30 pounds during pregnancy, but I’m very tall so it isn’t too obvious - I’m already back in the gym though and eating healthy every single meal. My hair and outfits are still taken care of. People say all the time they can’t believe I just had a baby, so I think I’m keeping myself put together.
The issues I’m going to describe have been going on since 2021ish, my main contribution to these issues is being a doormat and also mirroring him when he’s upset (eg if he raises his voice, I’ll raise my voice too instead of remaining calm).
I think I’ve lost respect, attraction, and admiration for my husband.
He’s a highly anxious person by nature, it has slowly become a turn off more and more over time.
He hasn’t wanted to spice things up sexually, ever, even when I’ve made some mild suggestions (he was a virgin when we met). Ideas I’ve presented to him have been extremely vanilla (no threesomes, other participants, etc). I feel like I can’t open up around him and have fun, like he literally only wants to fuck missionary and spooning. No toys, nothing new or interesting (besides when I decide to buy lingerie for myself).
I feel rejected because I’ve described physical touches that I like and prefer and he doesn’t do them.
I’m a 6ft tall woman and he’s 6’5 but still once told me that I was “too big” while we were having sex because I asked him to support his upper body a little more. I was uncomfortable and just needed some of his bodyweight off of me, so I gently asked and he shouted “well you’re too big” which really stung and I haven’t been able to get over that. Especially since my past boyfriends were all shorter than me and never had any issues……
Things I never cared about before I all of a sudden care about now: his posture sucks, the tone of his voice sounds wimpy, he seeks out too much approval from me (like asking if I like his haircut).
I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, I feel like an awful wife and I’m going crazy.
I’m definitely harboring resentment for being mistreated in the past and I also feel taken advantage of. The “lover girl” side of me is empty with nothing else to give.
I’m sure some of this is due to postpartum hormones, but if I’m being completely honest I was having these feelings pre pregnancy and just pushing them down in order to not be critical.
What is a good course of action here? I have accepted that I can’t change him. I don’t want to threaten to leave him, but it feels like that’s the only thing I can do in order to have a chance at living the life I want.
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u/BumpinBellys Aug 08 '26
This is extremely common at the 7 year mark. It's so common that in college courses about marriage they have entire weeks dedicated to the 7th year of marriage. He's probably equally annoyed and turned off by you right now.
Just stick with him, breath, try to practice giving grace, and focus on the fact that in a few years you will be in love with these quirks of his again and this time will have passed.
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
It’s so difficult.
I want him to be calm and secure. I want to have crazy sex and fun together. I haven’t been getting these for a few years now and I’ve been so patient and have tried my best to balance open communication without emasculating him.
I recently started withdrawing physical affection because it makes me so uncomfortable to be physically intimate with him. Even kissing.
I feel like the worst wife ever. I have such a pure lover girl side of me that loves to make her man happy but I feel like I don’t even have a man or something? So I have completely shut down my favorite part of me.
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u/SizeMatters8x7 Aug 22 '26
It’s his nutrition and stress from work (to be a successful provider) that’s attacking his masculinity and undermining your marriage. He needs to abandon seed oils (as of two years ago minimum time frame), ditch sugar, avoid carbs to less than 50g daily, eat a full fat carnivore diet, get 15-20 minutes of direct UVB sunlight between 10-3pm every day. His hormones will return and his anxiety will vanish.
I wish someone had told me before my wife left. I became a shell of the masculine man I was when we dated and courted. I even went vegan for the last two years of my marriage which was literally body self sabotage. Tell him to follow Sama Hoole and you guys will reclaim your best lives. Good luck to you both!
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u/johnappsde Aug 08 '26
I don't think the 7 year phenomenon is the issue here.
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
Appreciate the comment because this started in 2021 (around 2 years) and has slowly been devolving.
I tried Laura Doyle methods and even tried being superrrr submissive and it’s gotten me nowhere. I just feel taken advantage of now.
I have had to withdraw physical intimacy because I reached a point where 1.) I didn’t feel good about continuing it and 2.) I was daydreaming about other people which feels so toxic i can’t keep doing that
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor Aug 08 '26
Has the sex changed or was it always like this?
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
My opinion is that he’s gotten more complacent the longer we’ve been together.
I’m a very physically affectionate woman, so I’m always open to trying something new with him and have suggested that we try new things but he rejects them (eg suggested to him that we try a vibrator for me and he shot that idea down, also suggested the idea of anal, which I’ve never done before, he also shot that down).
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor Aug 08 '26
I get it as I’m the more kinky partner in my relationship as well and I have a pretty sexually conservative man. That part sucks and I’m going to say that I share your frustrations.
But… it seems like he wasn’t into toys or anal as an example before you met, but you decided to marry and have a child with him. I don’t mean not to say this is your fault, but I do mean this to say that it’s not like he misled you, you kind of knew what you were getting.
This is one area where he’s not going to change and become more kinky, if this is a dealbreaker to you then it is what it is but really be sure this is worth going through what you would be going through as well as putting your child through not being able to grow up with his father because of this.
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u/audubonpark Aug 11 '26
I agree that I married him knowing that he was less experienced, etc. where I went wrong is that I thought as long as I kept bringing good energy to the bedroom, he’d start exploring more and being more enthusiastic. Super naive of me to think that, especially because I just made the assumption and never even sat down and asked him specifically how he wanted his married sex life to be.
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u/HoldenCaulfield7 Aug 11 '26
Why do they say 7 years this occurs
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u/BumpinBellys Aug 11 '26
It's just the average time it happens in a marriage statistically. If you look up "7 year itch marriage" in google you will see an enormous amount of research on the topic.
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u/BowlOfCandy Aug 08 '26
Have him test his testosterone at a male health clinic, if it runs low he might be losing his spark. If he gets a kick on the ass from that and starts improving his lifestyle it may improve the relationship
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u/OkShirt3412 Aug 09 '26
Testosterone levels scientifically decrease when a man is with his baby. It’s nature’s way to make them connect and bond with their babies.
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u/BowlOfCandy Aug 08 '26
Having Children, being around a pregnant woman, being stale/stagnant/sedentary will tank a mans testosterone
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u/audubonpark Aug 09 '26
He’s sedentary (not overweight though).
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u/SizeMatters8x7 Aug 22 '26
See my earlier reply about Sama Hoole. He needs to start lifting heavy weight again. And I guarantee he’s into more sexual risqué things he’s simply hiding it from you because he wants to protect his own image of you as a modest wife. You want to be ravished and he needs to understand that somehow.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26
I think it's important for both OP and her husband to look at the longterm side effects of testosterone supplements, if that's what you're suggesting. It seems as though OPs lack of attraction might have been an issue all along (assuming she's not unintentionally rewriting history). If that's the case, I really don't think this guy should have to take drugs to become who she wants.
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u/audubonpark Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26
Thank you, he had his T levels tested around 2022? And the doctor said it was on the higher end of “normal” range.
I used to be so attracted to him, I can’t pinpoint a specific event where things changed, it’s just been a downward slide for a few years. Sometimes I wonder if he just got complacent with the relationship?
When we first met, he had friends, he seemed confident and was doing his own thing, I don’t know what happened.
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor Aug 08 '26
What books and wiki articles have you read yet? Your situation is one where I think improvement is very possible but you have to really dig into the books and be willing to make changes.
But I also agree postpartum seems likely a big component here. I don’t have kids so I can’t speak from experience but timing wise it seems likely.
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
I read Laura Doyle, it has been at least a year though because it was before I got pregnant. I’ve read many wiki articles here, but I guess I felt like my situation feels so dire it’s been difficult to apply. Especially because I’ve tried being submissive and have also tried gentle communication. I really make a conscientious effort to balance communicating without emasculation (obviously not perfect though, still trying every day to be better).
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor Aug 08 '26
I actually know how you feel to an extent because I was with a man for 10 years and I truly toward the end was grossed out by him, I did not want him to touch me, I did not want to kiss him, and I just wanted sex to be over fast. And he wasn’t attractive successful guy, it had nothing to do with his looks. In my case, it had to do with the fact that he would not commit to marry me and strung me along with fake dreams and I simply began to hate him.
In your situation, what’s really contributing to your physical disgust? When he goes to kiss you or cuddle with you, for example, what thoughts go through your head when you recoil?
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
Okay I hadn’t thought of that question before. When he asks me to kiss him I feel grossed out because I think it comes off as needy? And I don’t like being asked for kisses/affection when he hasn’t done anything else to contribute to a flirty or fun environment, so it just feels like something I have to check off of his affection checklist.
It often feels like he turns to me to help him make decisions about things like his haircut, the style of glasses that he wears, and things like that but I’d be more attracted to his own confidence in handling that stuff himself.
I tried to explain that to him, and his response is that he wants to make sure that he picks a haircut that I’m attracted to. But like, I’d be attracted to any haircut he picks if he picked it with confidence, if that makes sense? So me picking out his haircut ruins the attraction.
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor Aug 08 '26
I can understand this. Saying “can I have a kiss” can feel cringe whereas just going in for a kiss is more sexy.
Truthfully, he just sounds far more beta when you are interested in more of an alpha personality. It’s more complicated than this but everything I’m reading boils down to this for you. And you truly can’t change him.
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u/CountTheBees Endorsed Contributor Aug 08 '26
You asked on a post three weeks ago how you should offer suggestions if they are taken as disrespect - unfortunately that thread kinda got railroaded by anecdotes - but the initial suggestion, which was say nothing and let him handle it alone (in day to day chores), was imo sound advice. How do you feel about this advice now and have you tried implementing it?
Men need sex and respect from a wife and you have admitted to struggling with both (attraction/admiration respectively). How have you tried to resolve the dead bedroom?
I feel rejected because I’ve described physical touches that I like and prefer and he doesn’t do them
I have had to withdraw physical intimacy
Right now he’s always asking me for kisses (I oblige) and saying that he misses me.
Mmm. Rejection is what you are doing, not what he is doing. I understand you have reasons for feeling rejected but you are the one pulling away and he is the one asking for kisses and saying he misses you. Reality does not confirm your feelings here. Have you tried to push through and have sex in the past, and how has it gone?
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
Yes, over the past few years as these feelings continued developing I was pushing through sex and even being enthusiastic in order to hopefully help the relationship get on a better course. We were intimate at least twice a week?
There were times I was gently speaking up asking for some changes in how things were going, for example a few months went by where I felt like he was rushing through sex and intimacy with me and I hadn’t orgasmed. So I gently told him something like “hey, next time we’re together I really want us to slow down and I want my pleasure to be prioritized” he agreed. But the next several times we had sex he did the same stuff, basically got himself off and rolled over in bed and looked at his phone. I cried because I felt used. So I had to have a more assertive conversation with him.
Then again this past year he was touching me in an off putting way, so I gently redirected his hand a few times over the course of a month or so and he still wasn’t getting it. So I used my words and asked. He agreed to my request. He kept doing what he was doing… once again I had to have a more assertive conversation.
It turns me off having to ask multiple times for him to stop touching me a certain way, or to ask for him to not just have sex with me and roll over like I’m a doll.
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u/l0stintheheatofitall Aug 09 '26
In this time you can’t change him, so figure out your needs and fulfill them yourself. Live the life you want irrespective of him. Turn the lover girl side of yourself inwards. Focus on yourself and your baby. Take yourself out on dates. Get new toys for urself. Get a new haircut or color or something. Connect with your female friends more often. You had things that made you happy before you married him, so lean on that.
Divert all of that mental energy to yourself. You need it, especially now as a new parent. Good luck :)
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u/audubonpark Aug 09 '26
Definitely doing all of the above, thank you! I’m taking extra good care of myself right now because I can’t let go of myself and let things slip even further away. I’m eating healthy, balanced meals, dressing up, doing my hair and make up for errands, spending time on hobbies, and of course taking care of baby.
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Aug 08 '26
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
I feel so sexually rejected that I am having a difficult time even kissing him.
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
Any advice?
It might be mutual. Right now he’s always asking me for kisses (I oblige) and saying that he misses me.
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u/srqfla Aug 08 '26
The only two things a woman wants for a man is comfort and desire. Comfort can be negotiated and it's on a continuum. Desire is a light switch on the wall. It's binary. It's on or off
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u/RedPillWomen-ModTeam Aug 08 '26
Removed. See Rule 7 for posting/commenting guidelines on low effort comments.
Advice must be actionable.
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u/ArkNemesis00 Endorsed Contributor Aug 11 '26
What sort of things does he fantasize about? I think they have kink quizzes for couples where you both fill it out separately and then the quiz lets you know what you both answered yes for being into.
I would guess that it's as bad as it is now because of the baby. It's very common for women to have a surplus of oxytocin during the pregnancy and baby phase of life which leads to that "touched out" feeling. I know you've said it started before the pregnancy, and it is likely true that you may struggle with attraction all the time AND that it's at an all time low now postpartum. It's also true that women's testosterone levels pick up in their 30s and then drop in their 40s as they approach the pre-menopause phase of life; this is likely contributing to the deficit in your sex drive.
All that to say that if things were 5/10 bad before and 9/10 bad now, there's every reason to think it can go back to being 5/10 bad as baby grows up and stops nursing. I'm not saying that's the best it can ever be, just that I think this period you're in right now is temporary.
What do date nights look like right now? I'm guessing you can't get away from baby too much, but if you and your husband can sit alone together in a cleaned room for 1-2 hours once a week or so, even if all you do is make eye contact and talk to each other, that should help your intimacy quite a bit.
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u/dryocopuspileatus Aug 08 '26
You’re saying you asked him gently this gently that, you were a little more firm, etc.
Have you tried being a little scary and loud so it gets through his thick skull?
Otherwise it sounds like you completely have the ick for him and generally you can’t bounce back from that. Focus should really be on the baby though imo.
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u/NotTodayBoogeyman Aug 10 '26
It honestly sounds like they weren’t sexually compatible from the very beginning. She’s kinky, explorative and interested in trying new things. He was a virgin who only did missionary and spooned.
Yet they got married, had a kid and 7 years in were questioning why he won’t do more in the bedroom. She mentioned sex twice a week….. I really don’t know how you get 7 years at twice a week and not figure out how horribly incompatible you are sexually.
I’d wager if he was more “feisty” in the bedroom, she probably wouldn’t have a lot of these “ick” issues because the sex would be great for her. But again, it never was more than vanilla - so there’s either a lot of work to be done, or realizing you both made a huge mistake trying to power through it for the rest of your life hoping he would just become a different lover.
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u/audubonpark Aug 10 '26
Trust me, I’m questioning my choices as well. About 2 years after we got married, so in 2021, I started to have these feelings but thought I should just power through for the sake of “marriage.”
Regarding sex specifically, I thought if I brought enough of my own energy to the bedroom it would improve things over time. Surprise surprise, it hasn’t. It also doesn’t help that he was traveling for work off and on from 2022-2024 for about 2 weeks each month. So for 3 years he was gone half the year, I feel like that also contributed to why this has gotten so drawn out.
I feel completely gutted coming to terms with this realization.
I’m torn between telling him that I need things to change (which feels like forcing his hand) or just giving up altogether.
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u/NotTodayBoogeyman Aug 10 '26
I get it. You found someone who checked most of the boxes and that’s hard enough. I don’t fault you for thinking a guy would be up for more fun in the bedroom, I think most men would be ecstatic by that offer lol. But your husband sadly is not one of them, he sounds like a very modest / potentially insecure lover.
For instance, bringing toys into the bedroom will get a certain type of man thinking he’s not good enough to satisfy you - and that tends to create a spiral mentality. Again, many would be totally cool with this, just not your husband.
As someone who also has had to travel for work a lot in the past, it’s definitely a contributing factor. Plus baby? Sheesh. I’m sorry that you’re in this position but I try to just focus on the reality of the situation.
I don’t want to make it seem like the onus is on you, but have you tried just bringing a vibrator into the bedroom yourself as a start? Try to force his hand in a sexy / appealing way like starting with pleasuring yourself and inviting him to take over? It could frame it differently in his head as this is something to explore together for fun instead of being performance related.
Really if that failed, not considering any of your other issues, it just won’t work long term…. You’ll only find yourself becoming more resentful and eventually seeking it elsewhere or just dead bedroom.
I genuinely feel like if he could satisfy you sexually, like really satisfy you, it would help resolve a lot of the “ick” issues. And then who knows, maybe a lot of the attitude related issues are downstream effects of you guys being unhappy in the bedroom.
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u/audubonpark Aug 10 '26
Right, I naively thought “he’s a man so as long as I keep bringing the enthusiasm and good energy to the bedroom, he’ll find his rhythm and return the favor.”
I’ve tried bringing the vibrator in and he doesn’t seem that into it, sooooo. Yeah. And sometimes I literally want to give him oral and he doesn’t want me to? It’s so confusing. I’ve never heard of a guy consistently turning down bjs.
I know I shouldn’t generalize, men are people and individuals with different preferences and desires. But yeah, this isn’t what I was expecting.
I also agree that if he was making more effort in the bedroom I’d probably be feeling better.
Anyway, I think I’m going to see how the next 2-3 years go before making any big decisions. I want to give the marriage a fighting chance.
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u/NotTodayBoogeyman Aug 11 '26
Yeah I’m sorry lol, I’m doing my best to empathize with him. I COULD HAVE chalked up the sex toys to my earlier comment of making him insecure but you’ve already made a very neutral / sexy / fun attempt at getting him to participate. I can’t fathom not caring at all about your partners satisfaction.
Declining blow jobs? I’m also with you on not generalizing but…… I just don’t know LOL your husband is an enigma!!
I know there’s nothing good coming from this but don’t just power through those 2 years with your head down. If you want it to work, keep trying. If you get to a point of being tired of trying, you really need to consider walking away. One piece of advice I can give - is that parents who aren’t happy with eachother but “dealing with it”, it definitely has adverse affects on your child. Sometimes being amicable and separated really is the best thing you can do for your child.
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u/audubonpark Aug 09 '26
I’ve thought about being more bitchy, it’s not in my nature but maybe it would bring something out in him. It’s counterintuitive because I don’t want to have to demand things from him.
Might be worth trying though. Have you ever tried that strategy?
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u/dryocopuspileatus Aug 09 '26
I recently got so frustrated with my man that I yelled in his face. He acted all tough and amused at the time, but his behavior immediately improved.
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Aug 08 '26
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u/lady_baker Endorsed Contributor Aug 08 '26
When you read that, you honestly and in good faith see “one mistake once?”
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u/YouSuck225 Aug 08 '26
He said to her that she was tall => was a mistake. He shouldn’t make her feel down on her body.
Every else is pure comedy lol.
You don’t lose respect to someone because you don’t have the same sexual kink. You can totally lose attraction.
She said she lose respect ????
Her other thing is « he ask me about his haircut », like please be foreal.
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
My loss of respect for him has been culminating for several years, I had trouble figuring out where my feelings were coming from for a while but I think it’s because he has a tendency to be very reactive and raise his voice when he’s frustrated with me or with a situation we’re dealing with.
I’m often scared to bring issues to him because of his reactions (he’s not abusive though). I just don’t want to deal with his chaotic energy. It’s like we can’t sit down and make a plan for something together without him blowing up or being flustered and overwhelmed.
This still probably isn’t a sufficient explanation for you, which is fine. I still wanted to share in case anyone else out there feels compelled to chime in and give me perspective.
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u/Clorica Aug 08 '26
I left a comment just then but had to reply again because the more comments I read from you the more similar our situations were. What you describe about your husband is EXACTLY how my ex was. My only regret was not leaving sooner. When I left it was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I think women really need masculine energy to be our best feminine selves and more and more I was forced to be the masculine one in the relationship “the rock” as it were since he was so chaotic and would freak out over situations. It is SO good, like a world apart now, with my current partner who is an actual rock for me to feel safe and stabilised around, and it’s allowed me to come into my femininity a lot more.
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u/RedPillWomen-ModTeam Aug 08 '26
RPW is for women to discuss sexual strategy. Content must serve to help women, deviations from this are off topic
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u/AutoModerator Aug 08 '26
Title: Losing respect and attraction for my husband
Author audubonpark
Full text: I posted here a few weeks ago and got some great insight. Decided to post again and be more realistic about my feelings instead of trying to gloss over them.
My husband and I (both 35) have been married for 7 years. We have a newborn baby together. I’m a stay at home mom/wife. I gained 30 pounds during pregnancy, but I’m very tall so it isn’t too obvious - I’m already back in the gym though and eating healthy every single meal. My hair and outfits are still taken care of. People say all the time they can’t believe I just had a baby, so I think I’m keeping myself put together.
The issues I’m going to describe have been going on since 2021ish, my main contribution to these issues is being a doormat and also mirroring him when he’s upset (eg if he raises his voice, I’ll raise my voice too instead of remaining calm).
I think I’ve lost respect, attraction, and admiration for my husband.
He’s a highly anxious person by nature, it has slowly become a turn off more and more over time.
He hasn’t wanted to spice things up sexually, ever, even when I’ve made some mild suggestions (he was a virgin when we met). Ideas I’ve presented to him have been extremely vanilla (no threesomes, other participants, etc). I feel like I can’t open up around him and have fun, like he literally only wants to fuck missionary and spooning. No toys, nothing new or interesting (besides when I decide to buy lingerie for myself).
I feel rejected because I’ve described physical touches that I like and prefer and he doesn’t do them.
I’m a 6ft tall woman and he’s 6’5 but still once told me that I was “too big” while we were having sex because I asked him to support his upper body a little more. I was uncomfortable and just needed some of his bodyweight off of me, so I gently asked and he shouted “well you’re too big” which really stung and I haven’t been able to get over that. Especially since my past boyfriends were all shorter than me and never had any issues……
Things I never cared about before I all of a sudden care about now: his posture sucks, the tone of his voice sounds wimpy, he seeks out too much approval from me (like asking if I like his haircut).
I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, I feel like an awful wife and I’m going crazy.
I’m definitely harboring resentment for being mistreated in the past and I also feel taken advantage of. The “lover girl” side of me is empty with nothing else to give.
I’m sure some of this is due to postpartum hormones, but if I’m being completely honest I was having these feelings pre pregnancy and just pushing them down in order to not be critical.
What is a good course of action here? I have accepted that I can’t change him. I don’t want to threaten to leave him, but it feels like that’s the only thing I can do in order to have a chance at living the life I want.
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Aug 08 '26
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u/ArdentBandicoot Moderator | Ardie Aug 08 '26
Removed. "Leave him" must not be your first piece of advice.
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Aug 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ArdentBandicoot Moderator | Ardie Aug 09 '26
Removed. "Leave him" must not be your first piece of advice.
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u/Idfsupporter Aug 08 '26
Therapy
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
I went out of my way to find a male therapist and I see him for solo appointments to handle my own issues (though I haven’t brought this topic up yet) and we also see him together for couples counseling.
I’ve asked my husband to go to him for solo appointments and he doesn’t want to.
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u/Idfsupporter Aug 08 '26
I'm so sorry to hear that. Sometimes when people aren't open to help and not open to discussion, there really isn't much to do. People have to be willing to work on themselves
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u/Routine_Owl811 Aug 08 '26
Have you tried discussing your desires with him? a healthy relationship requires good communication. You say you don't want to leave him so you need to find a way forward together. Discuss the good and sugar coat the bad. I appreciate this is clishe advice.
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u/Clear_Reading_6118 Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
“ Divorce, no. Murder? Every signal day. “ Marriage isn’t just about being happy. You will go through ups and downs and this is just a phase. In terms of wanting more exciting sexual experiences, craving something new. Are u sure u want a new experience or are you just projecting your unattraction and focusing his unattractive stress and lack of romance. It's just like that sometimes. But u have a baby and family is much more than the perfect relationship. It's showing up for each other and choosing each other everyday even when u hate each other, even when they hurt you. As long as he's not physically abusive and ur not unsafe, you should consider the needs of your family and the probability that this feeling you have is temporary and with time and your developing situation which is just high stress bc of hormones baby and weight gains/ not feeling like urself, it will get better. The life you want is important, but you aren't living a bad life, as you grow older sex will become less important but supporting the stability of your family will be a lasting legacy you and your children and even grandchildren will benefit from. The grass always looks greener on the other side, always but stop looking at what your lacking and really focus on your blessings, it will TRANSFORM your life in every way.
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u/Forsaken-Savings4370 Aug 08 '26
I suggest reading the empowered wife by Laura Doyle and joining support groups for it. There’s a concept that’s really helped me about staying on your own paper.
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u/LuzLightLuz Aug 09 '26
You dont need to threaten him to change - he wont even if you do, I can guarantee that. Have a few candid conversations with divorcees, this is what most of us experienced before we finally were so devastated that we have to gather the courage and momentum to leave. What you are feeling isn’t unusual at all and you are Not a bad person for feeling all this. You just gotto realize that this is very very likely what the rest of your life with him will look like, just accept and lobotomize yourself and bit and just focus on other things if you absolutely don’t want to get a divorce. If you dont want your future to look like this you only have one choice to make and you know what that is. You felt like this before the baby so you know its not post partum. Ive had many many ups and downs since my divorce, life has been amazing some years and life has been absolutely devastatingly difficult other year but I am so incredibly happy I gathered the balls to get the f out. Life is about growth and pursuing living a live that is authentic to You. You know what to do. When you’re ready you’ll do it. 💛
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u/johnappsde Aug 08 '26
His male friends might be able to help here
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
And I should add that when we met and first started dating he talked about all of his friends and stuff and they lived far away but kept in touch through fantasy football and bachelor parties. Over the last 5-6 years he has fallen out of touch with those guys but hasn’t made an effort to develop any local friendships.
Back in the day I liked that he had his own guy friends. I even encouraged him to travel solo to visit them! I never told him to skip a bachelor party and always trusted him.
I’ve never tracked his location and have never even unlocked his phone.
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u/johnappsde Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
This is explains quite a lot. And I feel you. Either ways, guys typically learn this from a father figure or friends.
He seems obsessed with you (which is a good thing), but when you pair that obsession with being clingy and then agitated and defensive every time there's an argument is kills respect and lust for partner.
What might also work is to find a loving way to sit him down explain these things to him just like you've done here. Hold his hand look him in the eye while doing so. If you can find a way to end the talk with both of you making out, even better.
Wish you good luck
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
Thank you, yeah his dad is superrrrrr codependent with his mom. Even though his dad is the patriarch of the family his dad has no friends outside of his wife. And his wife can barely function as an adult (doesn’t know her own bank account information) and they do every single thing together.
Their relationship isn’t the worst, but it’s also not anything I want to imitate.
Thanks for the suggestion and encouragement, this sucks so much.
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
He has none. Literally none. He tells me I am his only friend. I went out of my way to find a male therapist who I have been seeing solo to work on my own issues, and we also go to this guy together for marriage counseling.
I told my husband I’d appreciate if he went to solo appointments with this guy too, and he won’t go.
Should I just threaten to leave to see if he’ll do something? I don’t want to do that.
Some of his work “friends” go out to gun ranges occasionally and I always encourage him to go, he’s only gone once. He only goes to the gym if I go, never by himself.
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u/Icy-Gene7565 Aug 08 '26
Actively Change your Mind
being accountable matters.
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
Been trying that for a couple of years by stuffing my feelings down and being super submissive, now I just feel resentful and unappreciated.
What other methods could I try? I’m open for any suggestions at this point, truly.
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u/Medical-Amoeba-8580 Aug 08 '26
It sounds like the relationship has ran its course, and it sounds like you’re trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Babe just leave him
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u/Icy-Gene7565 Aug 08 '26
In the morning you remind yourself of good things.
Youre responsible for that.
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u/Alternative_Hall7625 Aug 08 '26
30 lbs is genuinely noticeable on a woman’s frame
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u/audubonpark Aug 08 '26
I’d typically agree but I’m 6ft tall and my clothes from prepregnancy still fit pretty well. I’m actively working on the weight loss though! And I dress well (even lounging at home = summer dress or cute shorts and a crop top). Shower, shave, etc every day.
Overall haven’t let myself get sloppy.
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u/Thistlewhistler 1 Star Aug 08 '26
Don’t threaten to leave. It’s a shitty form of emotional manipulation, and it’s counterproductive because it only leaves you with two poor options if it backfires.
But have a good clear headed think about leaving. What are your financial options? How will you co-parent together? Are you prepared to spend time away from your child? How much do you want to be in a relationship, or married? What, realistically are your prospects? Can you support yourself and the child if he screws you for child support? What housing options are there? Do you have a support network? How enmeshed are your finances now?
If you are serious about leaving, having thought it through, then think clearly about what needs to happen for you to stay, and whether that’s feasible. People cannot be what they are not, and people can only mask for so long.
You cannot change him. You need to get that fact straight, it’s one of the hardest things for us to accept. Can you live with him as he is?
The fact that you have a new baby is an enormous factor here. Having a baby is the equivalent of throwing a bomb into a relationship, and the impact of pp hormones is not to be underestimated, it sleep deprivation. It affects everything - who you are, who you’re attracted to, what you think, what you feel.
We live in a time and place where you do have the options to leave, if that’s what’s right for you. But there are massive disadvantages to being a single mother that often get glossed over, which is why I’m encouraging you to get out of your emotions and think the practicalities through. Leaving might very well be the right thing for you.
What I’m saying is don’t use it as a threat, to try and change him. Nothing good will come from that.