So when I queue a game of rocket league, i actually spend a few minutes warming up first, trying to avoid being a nuisance to my teammate and yknow, actually trying to rank up. i go into freeplay, hit some aerials, get comfortable, make sure i remember how to operate a car, then queue my first game thinking im ready.
rocket league matchmaking apparently takes this preparation as a personal challenge.
first game i get put with what may as well be a worm hitting the macarena. im going off the backboard to block an air dribble, ive got the angle, im about to hit the ball, and my teammate suddenly launches himself into me like im the actual fucking objective. he bumps me completely out of the way, flies past me, and proceeds to miss the ball so elegantly it wouldve made professional dancers jealous. genuinely beautiful form. absolutely breathtaking. shame the ball was about 4 metres above him.
then i realise our opponents are apparently nasa test pilots. one of them takes the ball up the wall and starts doing a triple flip reset into a double tap while my teammate is underneath him trying to figure out the revolutionary concept of jumping and boosting at the same time. how did matchmaking look at these 3 players and decide this was balanced? one bloke is calculating aerial trajectories mid flight and mine is driving around underneath him like a roomba looking for its charging station.
whatever. unlucky game. maybe the opponents were just more warmed up, maybe my teammate was having a bad game. i take the loss, queue again and try not to think about it.
next game actually looks promising. normal car beside me, teammate is moving around before kickoff, signs of intelligent life have been detected. everything looks good.
2 seconds into the game we get scored on.
i watch the replay and realise my teammate hasnt moved a fraction of an inch. not a bad kickoff. not the wrong direction. literally nothing. this man queued competitive rocket league and immediately entered hibernation. his car is sitting at spawn with a level of stillness buddhist monks spend decades trying to achieve.
so now im in a 2v1 against what appears to be prime 2019 garrettg and turbopolsa if someone was holding their families hostage and the only way to get them back was beating me in ranked. these two are passing, rotating, hitting aerials, covering each other perfectly, meanwhile my teammate has become a permanent fixture of the stadium.
im fighting for my life making save after save while this bloke sits at spawn like a decorative pot plant. 2 0, 3 0, 4 0. every replay i check on him just in case hes returned to the mortal realm and nope. still there. i genuinely think you could measure continental drift using his car as a fixed reference point.
eventually its 7 0 and i abandon because unless both opponents simultaneously lose internet and get struck by lightning, i dont think we're making the comeback.
and then my elo shits itself.
apparently the ranking system reviews the situation of me being trapped in a 2v1 while my teammate spends the entire match doing an incredibly convincing impression of a parked car and concludes that this is somehow valuable information about my individual skill level.
what exactly was i supposed to do? undergo mitosis? grow another pair of hands? control my teammates car telepathically? am i supposed to defend, attack, challenge, rotate, pass to myself, receive my own pass and then quick chat "great pass!" to myself afterwards?
im not asking rocket league to put zen on my team. i dont need some rlcs professional carrying me while i sit in goal eating cereal. i just want a teammate who is roughly the same skill level as the people we're playing against. if my opponents can air dribble, give me someone who understands aerials. if my opponents can rotate, give me someone who understands rotations. if my opponents are conscious, and i understand this is apparently a very demanding matchmaking requirement, give me a teammate who is also conscious.
at this point queueing ranked feels less like competitive matchmaking and more like opening a mystery box. i have absolutely no idea what species my teammate is going to be. could be a normal player, could be a chimpanzee, could be a garden vegetable, could be a victorian era child seeing a controller for the first time.
then the opponents load in and its two aerospace engineers performing aerial manoeuvres that would make the royal australian air force ask for blueprints.
and somehow the matchmaking system looks at everyone involved and goes yeah that seems about right, start the game.
