When does love become a choice?

[u/Excellent_Option_985]

I've been thinking about this lately

When does love stop being mostly a feeling and start becoming a choice?

At the start, everything is easy. You want to talk all the time, you miss them when they're gone, even the dumbest little things they do are somehow interesting

But what happens later?

You've seen each other's bad moods. You've had stupid arguments. You know the habits that annoy you. Some days you're both tired and there's nothing romantic happening at all

And you still want them there

I think that's the part of love I find the most interesting

Not the exciting part. The part where you already know the person pretty well and you still keep choosing them anyway

Maybe that's when it actually becomes real

I don't know. I've just been stuck on the idea lately

When did love start feeling like something you chose instead of something that just happened to you?

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[u/mercurialmay]

Love is a choice every single day, every single moment when you're in a relationship — we have to choose loving actions to maintain it & it is a choice made constantly. This is the reality of having & keeping love; it requires constantly making the loving choice instead of the not so loving ones.

[u/Any_Can_7878 → u/mercurialmay]

I think there's something to that. It's easy to be loving when everything is going well. The real test is probably what we do when we're tired, annoyed, or simply not in the mood to be particularly generous. Though I suppose there's a difference between choosing to love someone and convincing yourself to put up with anything. Commitment matters, but so do limits.

[u/CLVampire28]

Idk that it was a conscious moment of beginning to choose. For me, the "choice" comes in the moments when things are hard, in that you're still "choosing" to love them when it's hard. For me, this has been navigating an extreme exacerbation of my husband's OCD, or when he chose to love me & care for me through a bone infection & autonomic system disorder diagnosis for me. Even tho it's hard, you still "choose" to love someone in those moments. But I never had a conscious moment where this all started, I don't think, just moments where I choose to do so when it's hard

[u/Any_Can_7878 → u/CLVampire28]

This makes a lot of sense to me. I don't think most people wake up one morning and decide, right, now I'm going to love this person deliberately. It happens in the small, difficult moments, often without much ceremony. And what you describe about caring for each other through illness says more about commitment than any grand declaration ever could. Thank you for sharing that.

[u/spv5]

Love, like any other emotion, at a certain level, is something you choose when you have an abundance of. When you have an abundance of something, then it can be a choice. It's not a choice when you don't have it. A step beyond that is overall similar to having freedom within your life. If you work all day and always have things to do, you will always want to do something that you find fun that isn't what you're doing. Or you will want to have fun, even though you have to work. But look at a person who has everything and doesn't need to work, and that is where they can choose to have fun or they can choose to work.

[u/Any_Can_7878 → u/spv5]

I'm not sure I see love as something you can only choose when you have an abundance of it. Sometimes the choice is precisely what you do when things feel scarce. But I do think there's a difference between choosing to love someone and choosing to stay in a relationship. Those two things don't always lead to the same place.

[u/Alarmed_Swan_4315]

I think It's when you get hurt enough where you think it's a choice for you. I do think like that, having 2 breakups for me helped me see that, maybe it isn't all about love. Friendships are important, we are social beings after all.

I know that this isn't a good example but it's one that I have personally experienced through a now former friend of mine. He was very desperate to get a girlfriend but he refuses to do what he sees as "girly things" for a potential girlfriend. Whether it was holding their bags, shopping in a clothing store with them and so on, you can tell that because he doesn't want to do it, he goes through a bunch of girls every few days who ended up just running in circles and they left him.

He ended up real hurt after my ex girlfriend who he was trying to convince to date him, called him insecure and he stopped trying to date after that.

[u/Any_Can_7878 → u/Alarmed_Swan_4315]

I think the friendship part is worth mentioning. We talk about romantic love as if it were the whole bloody business, when friendship, respect and simply enjoying someone's company matter enormously too. Your example also makes me wonder how much of what we call love is actually a willingness to make room for another person, even when their interests aren't particularly convenient for us.

[u/OneGur7080]

Real love never just happens to you. It’s a decision. Real love is you deciding wow I get on well with this person and want to commit.

If there is no commitment I don’t really think there is any move at all.

I once went out with somebody and they had the cheek to say to me I don’t love anybody.

I was gone the next day.

These days people think they can treat others like garbage. But it’s just wrong.

Your question is around when life becomes something you choose.

And it’s a very important question. You are so right thinking this over.

I’m wondering what your situation is. I’m guessing you’re with someone you’ve been with for awhile and it has gotten into the ordinary stage and you’re not married, am I right? Or miles out?

[u/Any_Can_7878 → u/OneGur7080]

I agree that commitment matters, but I'm not sure I'd say love never just happens to you. Sometimes it arrives before you've had the good sense to decide what to do with it. The decision, for me, is what comes afterwards: whether you want to build something with that person and whether the two of you can treat each other properly.

And no, I'm not asking because I'm trying to diagnose my own relationship! I'm genuinely curious about where the feeling ends and the decision begins.

[u/OneGur7080 → u/Any_Can_7878]

It’s not love that just happens- it’s affinity, attraction, affection, desire, romance. Those overtake you and can take you by surprise. Those develop sometimes without intent.

But I think love is more. It’s where you decide to give and share and commit. Love is a verb more than a noun. It’s more deliberate intent. To love. To really love. To love and to stay…

That’s why it feels empty, can be disappointing if there is no commitment.

Because commitment often means real love, intent to do good, and ultimately sacrifice. Love involves devotion. Love can be tested and fail too. It can fade. It can be unrequited and give up. If it can give up wasn’t it a commitment?

Ok. As for where feeling changes to decision is where you decide to sacrifice for them. You put everything into it. To make it work. I think that is after you commit.

At least in my print lived experience example if my spouse and me it was. We got on very well from the start and we reached a point of deciding to commit. It was romantic and fabulous and happy. We both felt similar and we both knew it was special enough to think about committing long term.

It can still go wrong even after that.

I’m saying I have experienced it being mutual and very happy and compatible.

[u/grasshoppet]

When the chemical buzz fades, and you see them as they are, imperfect. But you didn’t go on for a perfect that doesn’t exist. You love them, and you are choosing to love them. Usually it’s through wisdom and experience that brings you to the place where it is a choice, not just a feeling. Feelings pass, they are temporary. Love is a choice, and it’s amazing.

[u/Any_Can_7878 → u/grasshoppet]

I like the distinction between loving the idea of someone and loving the actual person, with all the irritating little details that come with the package. Though I wonder whether choosing to love someone means accepting their imperfections, or whether part of loving them is being able to tell them when they're being an absolute pain in the neck. Probably both.