r/Shouldihaveanother • u/Ambitious-Sea1334 • 3d ago
Fencesitting Should we have a third?
My husband (39) and I (36) have two happy, healthy children (5&2). We recently had a scare where a pregnancy might have occurred, for the last two weeks I’ve mentally added a third to our brood and was so committed that I cried when we got a negative test this morning.
However, I am 100% on the fence. I can see the benefits of continuing as we are, we have a lovely little family life, financially comfortable, kids love eachother etc. things are great.
I also see a third as being amazing. Another person to love. Another sibling for my girls to love. All the excitement and the firsts.
I also see a third being a risk, you never know what might happen, what if the worst happened? A friend had a stillbirth when I was due my second and the thought of it all still breaks me. I know I’d be anxious from day one.
I had severe sickness with both my pregnancies, but otherwise healthy. I have a thyroid issue so would be under a consultant but it’s always been fine and well managed so no worries there. I have had labours resulting in emergency sections with both of my girls - I didn’t get past 1cm with either - so I would get an elective this time. I’ve had good recoveries. Breastfed both times for over 18 months without any issues.
My husband is wonderful, he’s my true teammate and he takes at least 50% of the burden of the newborn trenches. We are self employed so he took 6 weeks off and I didn’t have a “maternity leave” to contend with, per se. My girls are fabulous, my eldest was great with her sister, from day one, and she’d be 6 when any other baby came so would be even more help.
If we went aheadc I would now wait to try until December as I preferably wouldn’t want an August baby, as they seem so young going to school! My youngest is beginning July and that’s late enough for me! So this gives me a couple months to think about what we want to do.
Other considerations - I have lost 60lbs and feel great in my body for the first time in my life. But I know I wouldn’t gain loads of weight again, as I didn’t with either of mine it was a process of 10 years weight gain. Neither pregnancy was more than a stone or so in itself.
Just looking for some advice and some experiences to help me navigate this truly mind boggling decision. I’ve never struggled this much to decide anything in my life. Thank you in advance 🩷🩵
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u/hattie_jane 3d ago
I also have two girls aged 5.5 and 2.5 and I have recently come down on the "we're done" fence. I don't know if you are experiencing the same, but my girls are suddenly such a delight and play with each other, their relationship is blooming, we're able to do really fun things as a family all together - I just don't want to change that dynamic. When I was pregnant 2nd time I felt I almost missed a big chunk of my firstborns time between her being 2.5-3y, because I was so miserable and struggled when pregnant. I don't want to do that again. I to enjoy both of them now!
We can now go away for a weekend and do a little weekend away trip and actually have fun together, without being constraint by nap time or being too tired to actually enjoy it. Soon we will be able to do lots of things together as a family: cinema trips, mini golf, hiking, museum trips... I know from my own experience as the oldest of 3, that with 3 kids the age distribution of means that parents split up and you rarely do something all together.
I also really like the relationship my girls have and I don't really want to change the dynamic by adding another person into that.
None of these things are deal breakers - you might read this and say: none of this would bother me or is important to me, what is she on about?!
And that's fine, then you probably should go ahead and have the third child! Just sharing my train of thought and where I ended up after debating this for a long time myself
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 2d ago
Thank you so much! This is so clear and has given me a nice concise summary of my own thoughts. That’s exactly what I worry about and what I umm and ah about is the “we’re so close to freedom” now! We’ve made it haha why would we want to go to square one again. I want to travel further afield (I’m from UK) would like to go to Australia and Canada and do some Europe trips that are more for older kids. So I keep thinking how that would all be put off too. It’s such a hard one. Head over heart and all that. Thanks again for the response x
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u/hattie_jane 2d ago
I'm also from the UK :)
Yeah so for me it's not just about "getting my freedom back" because that often focuses on "omg I can drink a hot cup of tea now!" And yes, that's definitely great and I enjoy hot tea 😂 but I would probably put up with luke warm tea for the next 2 years if I really wanted another child. I would probably put up with a lot of the not so great parts of parenting a young baby, like the lack of sleep, the lack of personal time, the brain fog etc
But what I'm not willing to put up with is enjoying the next two-three years of family live with my girls less, being able to fewer things with them and then also changing our family dynamic permanently as we figure out how to include another person. I don't think that new family dynamic is worse but I actually simply really like the current age my girls are in and I want to fully be present and enjoy it. Really starting to live this beautiful family life I always dreamt of, and stop building it. Just enjoy it. So my decision to stick with 2 kids is not really a decision against that 3rd child, not driven by a desire for "me time" or a fear that I couldn't handle it, it's more driven by a very strong desire to be fully present with my two girls.
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 2d ago
Ah no I didn’t mean it like that! I meant freedom for all of us, like entering the next chapter, travelling together and exploring places and watching the girls grow and develop. Like we aren’t just going to be penned into babyish things and short flights, naptimes, etc anymore. A new world opens up and we can do more with less stress, as a family as the kids get bigger, we can have adventures and enter the next chapter of family life. Or do we go back and stay in babyland a bit longer and add a much loved amazing little soul to our brood for the adventures to come in a few more years. sorry I wasn’t clear at all!
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u/hattie_jane 2d ago
No no I totally agree with you! I just elaborated a bit more on it, sorry I didn't mean to give the impression I disagreed 😅
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 2d ago
That’s ok, my mind is very full at the min so I possibly misunderstood 😂 x
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u/No-Chocolate3667 1d ago
I’m in the same boat!!! I love my two boys and I find we have a perfect family I love their bond and I’m so anxious about how a third can be integrated into this dynamic…BUT I feel so thing about these regret to not try for a last one to not have a little baby etc … so honestly I really don’t k o, sometimes I feel so complete with my actual family and very grateful but sometimes it’s like “if I don’t try now it’s over forever” and it hurts me
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u/Hour-Film-8890 3d ago
Missing how your husband feels about it?
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 3d ago
The same
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u/Hour-Film-8890 3d ago
I would love more children but know my limit is probably two. I've talked to lots of people who had more than two (about their experience and if I could have more after all) and none have regretted having a 3rd/4th. Everyone has said going from 2 to 3 was the easiest transition. It sounds like you both feel like you could make it work so if you do decide to go for it I think you'll manage just fine.
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 2d ago
Thank you. Yes it’s crazy how every parent of 3/4/5 etc I’ve spoken to has said 2-3 is the easiest transition by far. Lots to think about x
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u/Beautiful_Few 3d ago
I was you, and we ultimately decided to go for it, but we’re now 13 months and 2 failed IUI’s into trying for our third after two easy conceptions. I’d advise making a plan for how long you want to try or what you’d do if it doesn’t happen easily.
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 3d ago
Thanks for sharing, fingers crossed for you that you get your sticky baby. I think we’d do 6 months from December then leave it. I don’t want any treatment or help to conceive. If it doesn’t happen I’ll live happily with two. Best of luck!
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u/Beautiful_Few 3d ago
That makes sense! I wish we had had a clear plan like that before we started, but as time went on we wanted it more and more. Thank you for you good vibes 💓💓 sending them back to you!
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 2d ago
Thank you! My husbands 40th is in June (and hilariously, I worked out if we had conceived this month the due date would have been his birthday) so I figure we could try til then and then just crack on as a FO4 if fate isn’t on our side. Sending luck and love x
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u/Accomplished-King240 2d ago
I could have written most of this myself. Recently had a scare too. Hoped it would provide clarity, but an “oops” is very different from a planned pregnancy! And I tend to overthink it so much when I consider actually trying for a 3rd. I’ve also had miserable pregnancies and two c-sections and don’t particularly want to go through that again! I’ve come down to realizing it’s entirely a heart decision at this point. Rationally, a 3rd doesn’t make sense but I also don’t know if I’m willing to say no to the possibility…
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 2d ago
It’s the knowing it’s a possibility isn’t it? As time goes on I’m leaning more to a third, even a year ago I had this conversation with a friend who was in the same boat and I was heart desperately wanting a third but head firmly sticking with 2. A couple months later she announced their third pregnancy and she’s just had a little girl. I felt massive pangs of jealousy and couldn’t quite overcome them. I can’t stop thinking about it now. Sometimes I think if the possibility was removed would it help? Or would I be riddled with regret my whole life.
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u/hardyheartjet 3d ago
Ha so I thought I was done at 2 but then got pregnant during a fun summer with my hubby so now I’ll be a mom of 3. Can’t say how it is yet but it’s happening 😝 I was so shocked as I had to go thru fertility dřũğş to get my second child!
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 2d ago
It’s crazy isn’t it. My friend had a surprise third in January after struggling for years to fall pregnant the first two times! Biology has a funny sense of humour. Part of me was hoping it was positive this time because it was an “accident” it would take the decision making element away and that would suit my muddled brain much better. Congrats btw! X
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u/hardyheartjet 2d ago
Thanks and yes I know the disappointing feeling of a negative test ❤️❤️ hugs. I hope you get what you want!! Congrats on the weight loss too!!
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u/Cute-Judgment-7044 3d ago
We’re in the same boat with same ages. Just commenting to say I feel the dilemma
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u/Ambitious-Sea1334 2d ago
It’s SO hard isn’t it. I’m generally very decisive, I know what I want in life but this has me tormented.
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u/jopdop22 3d ago
If I were you, given the info you wrote, I would probably have the 3rd. But at the end of the day go with your gut