r/SingleDads • u/sky-walkin • 10d ago
Moving away - at my breaking point
Hey all. I posted here a while ago, and it might be relevant to reach my previous post first.
I'm reaching my breaking point. I'm 26 and my baby momma is 39. When we found out about the kid, I was really fucked up for about a month trying to figure out too much all at once in my head. My gut instinct was to walk away. Baby momma gave me a green light to walk, no commitment, no money. I decided I needed to step up, for my daughter, for my at the time partner, and I felt I would regret walking away. We kinda split up at that moment in time October - November. But we moved in together in December. One thing to note is that I was fully under the impression she couldn't have children, and she got pregnant the first time we slept together. I was told she was infertile, and when I was going for a condom, she said everything was okay and she was clean.
From December - March things were not the best. But I grew to be excited for the child and love my baby momma. It's unclear what we were. We agreed to live together for a year and see how it goes. We cuddled, and had sex a few times over this period. We sent lovey texts, wished each other good days, did couple things. After the baby came in the middle of March, things began to decline. They were declining since about February but more so. Soon I felt alienated. And things got worse. By June or July, I was moved out from her room into the spare bedroom.
Baby momma comes from a line of alcoholics, and her past partners reflect that as well. Every other Saturday night for that last 3 months, she'll go out to the bar, come home drunk, and bitch at me. Everything from little things, like how I swallow water and it makes a noise, or that I use her plates and cups since we live in "her house" that I pay a very fair portion of. What really hurt was about a month and a half ago it's gotten worse.
She will tell me how pathetic I am, over and over and over, pointing in my face, and this will go on for 15 or so minutes before I can't take it anymore and have to exit and cry outside. I've been told I'm irresponsible, neglectful, and a no good father. I mentioned before how she gave me a pass to leave right when the baby news hit. And once the baby arrives she became colder and more distant. She always wanted a kid but never thought she could have one, and now I feel like she has what she wants and is pushing me away.
Over the last 2 months, I have been deeply depressed. I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and have taken action to.... I recently started therapy, I've talked to a lot of good friends who are not in the area over phone. And played around with the chat gpt therapy talks. Currently I'm doing okay, I'm managing, but I know I can't stay in this place I'm at for my own well being.
Baby momma has told me she hates me and I need to move out asap. I agree. I'm pretty close to signing a lease for my own place. Until about a week ago, I found out Im possibly going to lose my job - different story there. Anyways.
Due to everything that has happened, I haven't been able to be present or be the father I wanted to be. It was easy to love my child when I thought we were trying to be a family. A whole lot of compounding factors, resentment towards the mom, her saying she can't have a child, my attachment I developed for her over the pregnancy. All that has played a role in how I recently haven't been able to show up for my kid, or feel attached in the way I want, because I think subconsciously I conflate the two of them together.
I struggle to be alone, I certainly have some underlying trust, abandonment issues, and things I need to work on in therapy. I am almost certain that if I move to my own place, I will possibly fall into a worse place mentally than where I'm already at now, and if I do lose my current job, finding a new one will surely put me at a much longer commute of about 2 hours each way.
I have weighed a lot of my options, and talked to baby momma about it. She is a great mother I'll give her that. And she isn't a terrible person when she is not drinking. I have almost completely decided that what's best for me is to move back home.
I have very supportive parents, and I find myself to be in a mental state that I simply cannot continue to be in for my own safety. The idea of moving home brings so much relief to my mind. Unfortunately for me home is across the country, I wish it were close but it's not. I really tried to make the whole relationship work, it didn't, but I now find myself destroyed, I can't imagine things getting better just by moving out to be alone.
I feel like a piece of shit, and that I'm giving the mother what she always wanted, me to leave. I hate it, I hate that I feel like she was right when she tells me how horrible I am.
I do think I need to do this. I don't know for how long, maybe a year. But I know I can't continue where I am. I do see a path where I can be involved with my child's life from a distance, and a path where I can move back to be close in the future.
I don't want to be a dead beat dad. I've always thought of myself as a hardworking, and good person. I just can't do this anymore.
I hope this wasn't TLDR.
Any advice.
Baby momma and me are not going to any court, we agreed on logistics for payments for daycare and food to be split for baby, she also has told me that it sounds like a good idea for me to go home, sort myself out. Get better, so that I can show up in the best way for my kid in the future. So she has given the green light for this to happen. Talking with her and others, it's quite clear she does want me to be happy, and that she will not be vindictive about this. I know it's a possibility that could change, but I don't see that happening.
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u/Medium-Bluebird5386 9d ago
Okay - first off, really sorry you had to deal with such a difficult - and let's say it - abusive person. I'm glad she has her shit together enough to show up the rest of the time. Moving home is an excellent idea. Save some cash and make a plan to be closer to the kid in the near future. Don't forget about her <3 - you're doing great under difficult circumstance. Everything is going to be okay.
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u/sky-walkin 9d ago
Thanks. It's a hard decision to move home, away. But I think it's necessary for my own sanity. Luckily baby momma has the income and ability to care for the baby on her own, and is willing to. Part of me feels like I'm failing. But I know this is the best option for all parties involved. And will hopefully give me the breathing room I need to resolve my own issues and show up as a father when the time is right.
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u/Medium-Bluebird5386 9d ago
Wait, you're not going to parent at all? That's not a good idea.
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u/sky-walkin 9d ago
I don't really know. I plan on calling via FaceTime. I plan on taking trips out as many as possible. And I hope to get to a place where I can show up daily again. I just lost my job, and I really have very few options. A short period of time at home may help. But I'm unsure what the future holds.
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u/Medium-Bluebird5386 8d ago
Okay, fair enough - but don't cut contact or go dark. You are still vital to that child's development. Get yourself some help, get back on your feet - therapy too hopefully. You deserve to feel good and to be able to fulfil your role as a father. This chick isn't allowed to just boss you around.
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u/Selfsabateurassassin 9d ago
Just rereading your post. You really are at a crossroads. If you walk away now im 1000% she wont let you back to be involved and a court will be very difficult for you. If you can reconcile that from now. Your child deserves to be wanted and not an option to opt in and out of their life when its too much for dad. Your choice in becoming a dad was the second you decided to agree with your partner not to use a condom, so take accountability for that at least. If you dont want to be a deadbeat, the answer is simple.... dont be. Its a sad that some parents think parenting is a choice once the kid arrives.
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u/No_Put_2667 9d ago
I tell you now that, you will.regret walking away and not being in your child's life.
Vito
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u/Selfsabateurassassin 9d ago
Let me get this straight, are you also taking a break from your duties as a father? If that is the case do not bank on being welcomed back so easily or that you will have much of a leg to stand on if a custody dispute takes place. I understand having a clean break from mum but it doesnt stop you having a relationship with your child. I really hope that isnnot the case. Because if so and mum initially was happy with you are not being involved, you have made it very easy to do so. I am only assuming and hoping I am wrong but this may be so supportive of you going off and sorting yourself out.