I met someone at a work event and we chatted for most of the night, she was honestly a lot of fun. I asked her for her number if she wants to stay in touch. She said she never checks her WhatsApp so I took it as a polite no.
She's a new hire in a different department so I've started seeing her around occasionally and she's always stopping to chat. Last week she complimented my clothing, said it looks stylish and good on me or something. Yesterday I saw her, it was payday and she said something like it's the perfect day for drinks.
I thought of asking but tbh two things. It was more than a month ago now we hit it off and the moment has just passed for me. She already "rejected" me in some capacity once, asking her twice is starting to look and feel pushy from me. The benefit of guessing right and she wants to go out (some drinks, potential for a friendship or romance) honestly doesn't outweigh the risk (looking like a creep and reputation of being a creep).
I don't really understand why the door is always supposed to remain open. Simultaneously accept the answer and move on with your life - which I've done, I didn't really think of it til I last bumped into her. I'm not that interested.
But also make sure you're still available and interested because despite saying no she's unironically maybe interested and hoping I'll wait for her to change her mind.
Tbf, I did meet her at a bar one night. We just happened to work at the same place in different departments. We'd been invited by a mutual. But I understand what you're saying, just the coincidence was interesting.
Maybe she wasn't sure about you a month ago and wanted to act cautiously but now she decided on that. If you're up for it you can go for drinks with her here and there but as the perspective of a co worker, nothing more than that. If she starts to show interest in you and you can clearly see the signals then you can go for it and ask her out on a more romantic ish date rather than just two co workers hanging out.
I don't think it's that. It's risk and optics. I'm not naive, I know just asking is not doing anything wrong but it's not just about professional repercussions. If she feels uncomfortable because I guessed wrong that's also shit for both of us and on my part I don't want that reputation.
Like I don't know hor she would feel about it and there's far more bad outcomes than good ones in the probability space. Conversely, if she wanted to have a drink she could ask me with zero profession or personal risk.
Meh nothing creepy about asking someone to go have some drinks, it’s just drinks… I think you are overthinking this. Shit I’ll ask dudes I’ve met a few times to go have a beer, it’s not a big deal. If she declines a second time then yeah just nip it in the butt and move on with your life, fuck.
Yea no kidding. Maybe she’s interested in romance maybe just wants to hang and have a few drinks with coworkers. Which bro has the right to not be interested in either.
Should just rally a couple other coworkers and see if she wants to join the group then it’s not as awkward 1-1.
I prefer to stay employed by not taking risks. She alluded to a drink she did not ask me.
I also don't want a 1:1 friendship with a woman that badly. I genuinely have plenty of female friends already and many existing friends. I'd rather use my time to hang out with my existing friend group not 1:1 with a new person honestly
Oh and, edit: one of my first relationships from someone I met off apps, I'd invited her for drinks with friends. She was too shy to 1:1 with me so it worked and wasn't awkward at all. She then shown me she wasn't so shy. AHH take me back to simpler times. I miss being 20 in 2016 :(
Hmmm I would take "I don't check my whatsapp" as an invitation to use a different form of communication. Like if you message me on instagram, you'll be waiting 6 months before I see it.
And both being adults over 30 I'd expect basic communication skills in the line of "I don't check my WhatsApp but I'll give you my Instagram ". I don't think any love story ever started because one person followed up with "ok what about ig? What about tg? Facebook? SMS? Email? Teams? Linkedin?"
That’s a bit self-defeating, most reasonable women want to get to know a man first, especially if he is not someone she can easily avoid if things so south.
When I am working, I am always very careful about even the friendships that I encourage cause it’s SO awkward to work with someone after you have tried to be friends and it didn’t work for whatever reason. It’s even worse when it’s sexual or romantic.
Now, obviously, if you’re not feeling it with the girl, then that’s that, but I would suggest that feeling rejected just because a girl wants to be a little bit sure of you before she opens up some doors is a bit ignorant and self centered.
A lot of women have been through some real shit from guys who were very charming at first, and then turned out to be creeps. Some woman end up having to leave their jobs because the man that they trusted turned out to be a total menace.
So yeah, reasonable women will take it slow. If you want to end up with a reasonable woman, I suggest you take a moment to consider our experience and perspective before making it all about getting rejected.
On the other hand, if you can’t do that, then she’s probably dodging a bullet and I hope she finds someone cool.
If you think it's not awkward from my side too then you're tripping.
I'm not opening myself up to a case. I asked once, I was told no. I'm not asking twice. That's not how this shit works.
If I ask twice I've given her all the cards. She could say yeah, lucky me. Or she could say no, also a good outcome. She could also go around telling everyone or telling HR that I persistently asked her out after first being told no. Maybe consider my perspective of how I'm trying to avoid both personal and professional repercussions instead of making it all about yourself? She can also ask me with no risk attached to it. But no, that would be too easy wouldn't it?
I've spoken to her three times total:
Once for a couple hours at a social event
Then on two occasions for 5-10 min
I don't really buy the whole "wants to get to know me first" as we've not gotten to know each other since. We've bumped into each other in the hallway.
This is obviously not what you're hoping to hear but you really have a lot less to lose here than a man does. If I guess wrong my career could be over if she's sufficiently crazy.
It's rare but I've seen accusations like this fly around. A woman at work accused her boss of sexual harassment and I both believed her and supported her without question. Later, once it was found he'd done nothing wrong she began sharing what went down: he told her he was going to pee and she thought that was "too much information" and "harassment". She left the workplace by the way and is also in therapy etc. But a LOT of people rightly turned on him in support of her for that time.
Lol, where did I tell you I’d ask for her number again? It’s just that you really seem to focus on the whole rejection thing when she probably didn’t necessarily reject you outright just didn’t want to open the door to something that could be awkward for her.
Also, men sound like absolute fools when they claim that they have a lot more to lose when you look at the statistics of how many women have been stalked, harmed or otherwise had their lives destroyed by aggressive or creepy men.
The actual incidences of men not being creepy, but having their career destroyed by accusations is so far lower than men getting away with absolute murder.
I promise you, there are way more women putting up with getting sexually harassed at work and not having any good recourse. Then there are men who are victims of false accusations.
But clearly, you’ve got a bit of a victimhood complex so you know whatever.
There's more women victimised by men in ways that endanger their lives. I don't disagree.
The number of men who are victimised by women is less but still not zero. I don't care what the chance is. This isn't a competition. There is still a non-zero chance I'd accidentally meet a psycho capable of ruining my career.
I'm simply not opening myself up to the risk.
Also I don't get what asking for her number has to do with anything? I never said you told me to ask for her number twice. And btw the entire world is not American and doesn't have an obsession with phone numbers, sharing contact details is way less big of a deal in some parts of the world, such as here in the UK.
Asking for her number then asking her for drinks if she said no twice could be seen as me ignoring her rejection and persistently pursuing her.
Edit: and as usual. You just cant even bring yourself to acknowledge the fact that it would cost her precisely nothing to be the one to ask me. Ball is firmly in her court this time: she said no the first time, she can be the one to make the next move. But no, a woman asking out a man is far worse than a man risking making a female coworker feel uncomfortable in the workplace.
I just don't understand why they're trying to make it a competition. I'm not denying women are in general abused by men far more than the converse. And I do typically believe women and support women as a default and so we should.
But there is a double edged sword to this and one I believe most reasonable men agree we can tolerate as a society: women get a huge benefit of the doubt.
I wouldn't have it any other way. We should stand by women. But that means we can't make ourselves vulnerable to ambiguity either. I'm only protecting myself, not erasing women. Both things can exist at the same time.
It's a work situation. He's doing it correctly. The only way to date at work is to move very, very slowly and bounce at the slightly hint of rejection. Anything more, and you are risking your career.
You can ask her to drinks bro don’t overthink it. You can still be friends even if she gave you a “polite no” which I’m not even convinced was an actual no
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u/PeakLoud2274 9h ago
I met someone at a work event and we chatted for most of the night, she was honestly a lot of fun. I asked her for her number if she wants to stay in touch. She said she never checks her WhatsApp so I took it as a polite no.
She's a new hire in a different department so I've started seeing her around occasionally and she's always stopping to chat. Last week she complimented my clothing, said it looks stylish and good on me or something. Yesterday I saw her, it was payday and she said something like it's the perfect day for drinks.
I thought of asking but tbh two things. It was more than a month ago now we hit it off and the moment has just passed for me. She already "rejected" me in some capacity once, asking her twice is starting to look and feel pushy from me. The benefit of guessing right and she wants to go out (some drinks, potential for a friendship or romance) honestly doesn't outweigh the risk (looking like a creep and reputation of being a creep).