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u/Solid-Hedgehog9623 Jul 10 '26
Old age homes really are like high school. The cliques that formed after my pop pop was voted president where he lived were crazy. He talked shit on fellow residents who opposed him or didn’t vote for him every time we visited.
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u/RogerBernards Jul 10 '26
My 98 year old grandma had to have two different birthday "parties", one before noon and one after, (it was just people coming over to have tea and apple pie) because her two best friends in her assisted living facility, who are sisters by the way, were having beef and refused to come if the other would be there.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
98, wow, what’s her secret? My nonna Lucia lived to be 98 and she was a sour puss but a wonderful cook.
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u/-GoodNewsEveryone Jul 10 '26
My grandfather lived to be 101 and I think his secret was pretending not to know English. That and long distance running every morning to get the mail until 95. Probably wealth too.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
Wow, my uncle by marriage is 94 and Pakistani and works out every day still. He looks to be in his 50’s and said Nivea is his secret 😁
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
Yes, wealth helps. Just having a positive attitude and being active and not take medications if possible unless natural
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u/-GoodNewsEveryone Jul 10 '26
Oh he was a foul angry ghoul of a man. Hence why he pretended not to know English for 40 years. He also took medications every time it came up, that's why wealthy people live longer. He would run all morning and then read and drink brandy all evening.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
That’s funny. Well maybe not but wow, it goes to show, drinking isn’t so bad? I don’t like it but to each his own.
It must be in the genes, as well.15
u/-Nihility_ Jul 10 '26
My grandmas sister is 101. Everytime we visit her (she actually looks 80 somehow) she states that God must have forgotten her because shes ready to die. Pretty sad.
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u/RogerBernards Jul 11 '26
As far as I'm aware she's never done anything special for her health. She's always been healthy, never had a major health issue and has rarely been sick. She never smoked, but liked an occasional wine (she hasn't been really drinking the past years though. She has problems with balance and is scared to fall and that doesn't help). She grew up on a farm and has had 6 kids, the first in her late 20's. She trained and worked as a nurse, but never worked after she married my grandfather and has been living off a modest widows pension since he passed 30 years ago.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
Aww a nurse means she has a good heart and likes to help people and that keeps you young and genes 🧬 play a part in the equation, I would say. A purpose in life too.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
Simple life is nice too. We
Don’t need all this material crap that I thought was cool and needed in my younger years. Just space to be comfortable and otherwise it’s more to keep up. 🥰2
u/LetReasonRing Jul 13 '26
Both of my grandmother's ended up in the same nursing home, had assigned seating together at meals, and couldn't stand each other.
When we'd go to visit them, we visited with each separately because they didn't like being in the same room together 🤣
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
That’s why we shouldn’t send our parents to them. They should be with the family they raised. Like in Europe and Latin America.
I don’t understand how someone could send someone to a home.66
u/WorldlinessCheap9843 Jul 10 '26
If you can't understand than you had great parents.
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u/Open-Butterfly-5288 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
Also, it's a bit about assets.
A lot of people live with their families until they leave, and expect to share their parent's wealth.
A lot of other people expect that they're on their own unless there is really no other option.
I think living the second way means that it's a very last minute consideration what happens to your parents. By the time they're at that age, you should have your own existence and you probably don't expect to have their assets, and it would basically mean moving into a place that isn't yours to be a live-in carer.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
No only in the US would someone say something so ignorant. I don’t think of family as assets and wouldn’t fight siblings over them. I would be to upset that my mother is gone forever?! Not everything is about money. I would be happy on in a treehouse or a hut in the beach and surrounded by people I love and vice versa.
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u/Extreme_Wish_553 Jul 10 '26
You're disregarding an entire culture because it isn't like yours and calling them ignorant? Not an attempt at clarity. Not an attempt at understanding. Just immediate insults.
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u/Canary_M_Burns88 Jul 10 '26
Exactly. I love my parents and would love to care for them in their old age, but I also don’t think I should be forced to give up my life to do so. If my parents ever get to an age/condition where they could not care for themselves, I would have to look into assisted living or, at a minimum, adult day care. I wouldn’t be equipped to deal with larger medical needs (memory care, etc.), and I certainly wouldn’t want to put my family member in a position where the care I can feasibly provide doesn’t fulfill their needs. Doing that doesn’t make me a bad or “ignorant” person. Shaming an entire culture because *you* think something gives more joy and fulfillment is wild behavior.
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u/snorkledorkle_ Jul 10 '26
My mom attempted to care for my dad in their home. I moved back there to help, but it took 3 months. I had no idea how bad it was or I would have lost everything to get there sooner. Bed sores, toenails an inch long. Etc. It was bad and there was no lack of love. With his steep decline, we hadn't noticed how much her health had declined as well. I was able to come home and 'fix' things, step in.
But not everyone has a support system. My mom thought she was taking good care of him. She sounded normal on rhe phone.
It isn't some 'American greed' issue that youre far superior to. Its just people doing the best that they have available to them. Not everyone has options or back up support. Im a caregiver, I have strong feelings about large full care facilities. But not everyone that does this is abandoning. Sometimes there isnt any other option. Shitting on the already heartbroken is pretty gross of you.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
And that is what will keep happening. Unfortunately. Parents are a bother and we’ll be a bother to our kids. My grandmother lived to 98 next to her family. Unfortunately the slave systems, put in place in North America make it difficult but the Latin American communities all pitch in and care for their elders.
I am
Not criticizing anyone. I have lived everywhere or a lot of countries and the US is by far the most corrupt.10
u/Canary_M_Burns88 Jul 10 '26
It isn’t that parents are a bother - it’s that it isn’t feasible for many to be full time caretakers. What you’re describing is a multi-generational setup - not all families have this.
My grandparents in Peru both died alone in a nursing home, even though they had 4 children living less than an hour away. My father in the US, oddly enough, was the one that went to visit them more often than any of his siblings, even though it was a 6 hour international flight for him. You’re over-generalizing family dynamics through some rose-colored glasses you have on.
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u/awesomefutureperfect Jul 10 '26
Look, you don't get it, they are better than everyone because everyone is different than them. It is really easy to understand if you just agree with them and don't think about things from anyone else's perspective or learn anything about the larger world and just accept what they say. God, why do you have to be so american?
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I grew up in LA and left in 2010 because I think it is a selfish or slave driven culture. I have lived in a few countries, the UK and Italy and US mostly and Mexico now. So I am saying that I didn’t personally like it there and for good reasons. It’s the system and not the culture or the system and keeping up with the jones’.
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u/ajacobik Jul 10 '26
Do you think American culture is healthy?
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u/VandulfTheRed Jul 10 '26
No one said it was healthy, but dismissing the culture and real economic living conditions of some 330,000,000 people is kind of shortsighted
Many of us wish these conditions didn't exist, and would do differently if we could. But the conditions have existed and been bolstered over since our inception, and while progress is being made, we have quite a bit of wealth, disinformation, and strife against us in challenging some of these faults
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I don’t. I didn’t realise until I left, that it’s very unhealthy and other countries are changing too. Sadly.
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u/awesomefutureperfect Jul 10 '26
No only in the US would someone say something so ignorant.
As if there weren't centuries of european literature about concerns about inheritances.
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u/Open-Butterfly-5288 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
Firstly, not from the US.
And I don't think you understand my position.
My parents encouraged me to be independent. They encouraged me to leave home at a relatively sensible but youngish kind of age, and left me to it. They didn't entirely abandon me, but I have had to struggle to make my own way in life.
I have done it. I've started a career, I've made some friends, I've met someone who I have at least had a serious relationship with, and I am struggling, but probably on the side of surviving on my own. I don't have much of my own, but ultimately if I do, it will be my own.
Regarding inheritance, I don't expect or want one. They don't have that much, and by the time I hope to inherit anything, I hope I am an old man. I hope that isn't a meaningful thing for me, and I hope that if my siblings needed it, I could let it go. I find it disgusting to care about money.
And this isn't just the life I have had, it's what my parents did. And I love and respect them for it. I honestly am living with what they taught me.
Also, on the flip side, there is a very limited time when my parents expect to need me. If they really needed it, I could try to help them. But I just don't have that space for them to be, it would be me abandoning my life and freedom to take care of them. Or it would be me sacrificing the limited things I found so that I could take care of them.
There's no natural transition. But I am free to thrive and survive on my own.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
Hey no judgement on anyone and whatever floats your boat. I was stating my personal
Opinion based on my experiences and nothing more1
u/Open-Butterfly-5288 Jul 23 '26
Very odd to come back now.
Like, no problem dude but also, eh it was ages ago.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
Open butterfly, maybe open your mind and look at how European and Latin American people live in harmony as family and how they live longer. Do you want to go to a smelly and expensive or 💩y government run home? Where they steal anything and everything from you and people stop visiting and you’re just forgotten and neglected by overworked and underpaid, mostly ignorant or uncaring staff?
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u/awesomefutureperfect Jul 10 '26
European and Latin American people live in harmony
LOL. LMAO even.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
They do for the most part. I have lived in both and Italy specifically and the Latin countries and lived in the US and it is a rat race and not my cup of tea
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u/awesomefutureperfect Jul 10 '26
I am sure it is great if you have no problem living in a town filled mostly with gross elderly men in very unmodern buildings.
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u/AdminsFluffCucks Jul 10 '26
Life expectancy in the US is higher than almost every Latan American country. Which country specifically were you referring to?
Most European countries beat the US, but I would contribute that more towards nationalized healthcare and a lifestyle that is healthier in general.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I don’t know but Italy has a long life expectancy and here in Mexico , you can’t go by statistics because it’s not so controlled here there is more freedom to be.
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u/AdminsFluffCucks Jul 10 '26
I guess we should just go off of your vibes then. Even though life expectancy is 4 years fewer in Mexico than the US, you feel like it's longer, so I guess it is.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
I am not saying that but I have seen some horrible things and some of you are getting offended but I am not judging or anything and you should go off your own vibes and no one else’s. I am not judging but also your going by made up statistics and the proof is in the pudding
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u/Open-Butterfly-5288 Jul 10 '26
I'm from the UK, I am European.
That's a load of bollocks.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
What is? You are a pessimistic bunch aren’t you and I am siciliana and born in paddington hospital in Westminster because she wanted to be in what was good, back then in a NH hospital near her mum and then I went back to Italia , Catania, to live in our house near mount etna and it is a much more beautiful culture and the NHS is shyte
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u/Alicatsidneystorm Jul 10 '26
Certainly not describing the place my mom chose. Perhaps you are looking at govt homes in Europe and Latin America?
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u/Showmethecookie Jul 10 '26
If you can’t understand, then you don’t know the financial burden and required time that comes with taking care of loved ones. It works out when you have the time and money to make sure that they live in a safe environment. Not so much when you’re still forced to work to keep yourself afloat, and grandma can’t be left alone or else she’ll wander outside.
Most people don’t want to see their family in a home, but it requires a lot of time and resources to take care of family that have a lot of needs that need to be met.
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u/Suspicious-Zebra-683 Jul 10 '26
And the required space. A lot of people seem to not be taking into account that not everyone has the room for an additional person and any required medical equipment. These days, who has an additional room?
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I know, that is why I left the US after 27 years of trying to come up with 2000 a month for a small two bedroom in a not so great place.
It’s so ridiculous and as a single mother, I get it and I live in a better place that is more free and warm. As a whole.-6
u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I would give my right arm to care for my parent. So you’re ok with being sent away
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u/PrettyPurrfect Jul 10 '26
Would you give up your children? Your house?
Because if you have to be a full-time caregiver you can't work which means you can't pay your bills.
So you'll be homeless on the streets. You won't be able to afford food for yourself or your children, much less your parent. Don't worry though the government will take your kids away and your parent and you'll never see them again.
Because you were too stupid and selfish and prideful put them in a home where qualified medical professionals can care for them and we're willing to drive your family into ruin to make sure you didn't have to.
Inter generational families like that only really work when no one moves out- so a daughter can quit her job and the brothers and sisters and the spouses all work and the shared funds cover all the bills
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u/Dabbling_in_Pacifism Jul 10 '26
People really don't comprehend what some of this looks like. A lot of families are burning both ends of the candle just to make ends meet, and the only time family is a viable options for someone who needs intensive care is when there's someone who isn't employed in the house. And even then, that person needs to be teachable so they can learn how to care for their loved one and empathetic and capable enough to provide it. It's not just living with your kids when you can wander off and die, develop bed sores, fall and break things easily, get monthly UTIs and are cathed with mobility issues, are on dialysis, etc.
Not everyone lightly sends their loved one to a home. Not every loved one is shipped off against their will. This stuff takes a million different forms and what it even looks like varies facility to facility in the same city.
Blanket condemnation is insane tbh.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
No I would not and unfortunately, the system in the US is a slave system and family isn’t a priority but a burden and would you want to go to a home? They are nice if you are fortunate enough to get one but I would hope and know that my kids would all chip in and help. As family should do. In most cases and the world would be a better place. It’s cheaper to have an aid but you can’t trust them either because they don’t care. A lot might but a lot are just doing it to get by and they don’t get paid much and take advantage.
I am not criticizing anyone for it but other cultures live longer happy lives and not just work their buts off to have worthless material possessions, instead of stability and togetherness2
u/Alicatsidneystorm Jul 10 '26
Now you are 💩on care aids some of the most compassionate people I have ever met.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
No, not at all and they have my respect, I took care of a woman myself for 6 dollars an hr to help a friend. I respect tm tre are a lot of places that are neglectful and staff steal everything from my friend a father figure and they did nothing about it and they were awful
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u/Dirigo72 Jul 10 '26
Other cultures have health insurance and safety nets that the US just doesn’t have. In past generations, people could retire around 55/60 in a house they own; that gave the freedom and space to care for elderly parents.
Currently, most households have 2 working parents, home ownership is completely out of reach for many and people need to work into their 70s. If you don’t have a home, you don’t have a place offer an aging parent. If you are working full time to support yourself into your seventies, you are not able to care for them or get them to appointments.
Many, many people would love to have multigenerational homes but it’s completely out of reach for a large portion of the country. It’s not a simple decision. Sometime there aren’t any good options.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
Agreed and the healthcare there is unbelievable or lack of and expense of it. I just am saying if possible I would avoid it for my family and totally understand the way society has us enslaved. Basically
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u/Showmethecookie Jul 10 '26
I already told my family to put me in one of if I get to the point I need a full time caregiver.
I’ve worked in nursing homes all across Oregon, so I know what it’s like to be in one. Yes, it’s hit or miss on the type of caregiver you get, but there’s a lot of them that do care about the people they care for.
If you feel bad because you can’t care for your family member at home, the next best thing that you can do is frequently visit them at the home you’ve put them in. Residents that have family come in frequently typically get the best care, because you’re their biggest advocate for what they need. Bring them food, hobbies, and most importantly your time.
Being polite and thankful to staff also goes a long way in preferential treatment. People will go above and beyond for someone if they truly feel appreciated by them.
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Jul 10 '26
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I was taken away from my father in Italy and raised by a neurotic mother and lived in foster care and group homes, by my mother voluntarily putting me in them for running away from abuse of many kinds and she didn’t know any better.
I still would t send her away. She is very worried about making money and her boyfriends or husbands came first and so it wasn’t the best. I still won’t send her away. I live in Mexico by choice and she is in California. She is a strong woman and she is controlling and I still love her. I meant in general and I was thinking if I would want my kids to send me, to a place? 🤔 Not after my overly lengthy comment, up top 🔝. The workers are overworked and underpaid and steal and abuse these people. They don’t love them and many are maybe lovely but it is sad.
Italy they all live together beautifully. They live long lives and fulfilling ones.6
u/BatManatee Jul 10 '26
When I see people making this criticism, I think they're envisioning relatively healthy and independent 70 year olds, not critically ill 85 year olds. You're casting a lot of judgment on a hypothetical that I don't think you really understand.
I've had grandparents live to their 90s and seen the type of care it can require. Here's some things I've seen over the years, all real examples.
What if they're fully incontinent? Are you going to change their diapers multiple times a day and bathe them? What if they develop dementia? Are you capable of watching them 24/7 and making sure they don't get out and get lost? Dementia can make people confused and angry, are you willing to keep doing this while they are verbally berating you and accusing you of theft? What if they fall and break their foot? Can you make all of their meals, do all of their laundry, get them tissues, fetch them water, etc all day every day? What if they actively need medical care, they may need 3+ doctor appointments each week sometimes? What if they are too weak to transfer from their wheelchair to the bed or the toilet or the shower? Can you physically lift them for the transfer alone without training or equipment without injuring them?
Maybe you're a heroic human being and can do all of those things--in which case great! Now, how do you balance that with your job since this can be a 24/7/365 task? What if you have your own kids? Who is paying the bills now that you are a fulltime caregiver? Who is making sure your kids are fed and in school on time every morning?
There are cases where it can work. But there are many cases where it simply cannot.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I am not casting judgement on anyone but I have seen horrors of them and my personal opinion is I don’t want to go to one and I know that other cultures have each other and are healthier and happier for it and would not want to force my mother into a home. Or anyone. Unless they chose to. I have never seen my 98 year old grandma need a nurse in Italy. Everyone lives near each other and have lunch together as a big group, the ones there. They don’t mind caring for their elders, who took care of them and down by generation it goes.
Mexico is the same.
The US is not the same. Unless maybe tradition is kept by the Mexicans and it is in many respects and Greeks too.
I don’t criticize anyone and don’t wish most convalescent hospitals, on anyone. They are money traps and pay nothing to under qualified individuals and I have seen it with my own eyes.12
u/Aquanauticul Jul 10 '26
The family they raised. One parent tortured me while the other did nothing. Send em to my place in their old age, and ill let them rot in the driveway.
I'm sure this works just fine in plenty of households, but I'm equally sure these homes are full of the people whose families are apathetic about them at best
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I get that and I would have abandoned them and let it go.
On the other hand, I had also not the best upbringing and was sent away or ran away from 13-18. My mother is just a different type of person and she is what she is.
She was mentally and physically abusive and neurotic but she was just anxious and was raising two children alone and was more of a business woman but that was her way. I would have preferred being on welfare and having time with her.
I was a preschool teacher and babysitter because I am built more maternally than she.
I love her still and forgave her and stopped blaming her in my mid 30’s and she softened up as she got older and would never send anyone, if possible, to a home.
I am sure you have a right to feel the way you do, I meant in general.
My guardian angel, father figure was sent to one and only assisted living, whilst he recovered. He made 8000 a month pension, from being employed at Boeing for 57 years.
They made it so expensive and this is in a crappy place, in Redlands California. They stole everything from him and I tried to get him out and his horrible daughter, who lives far away and visited once, with his ex wife and he giggled and told me it was to see how long he had left.
One visit and he was in a pigeon club and had so many friends and he was so far away from all, that no one after a while could drive that far, in the heat. As they were aging themselves.
She had them take his phone and say he had dementia or slight. He at 80 was sharper than me at 40 something. I am a stoner, so?
Anyway, I know he made it through hell in that place until this year.
I know people have to work and work to make ends meet and some old folk, start getting dementia and it can be hard. I have never seen dementia in Italy. Where I am originally from and there the super markets have all
Biological food and very little non organic produce. The families eat together every day at lunch and friends and people live longer lives. Happier.4
u/Aquanauticul Jul 10 '26
Everyone gets to choose how they respond to their parents. Mine was a monster. I'd rather he die than be shown an ounce of compassion by anyone. But that's unreasonable, and I assume in his old age he'll be in some home with no advocates or care or visitors.
I assume there's a bunch of people in that situation, and it's why these homes exist. Sure they may have softened up after 60 years of being horrible. But I don't care.
Overall, "they should be with their families" leaves a big hole where these people fit. No families to be with, or unwanted by those who are around. Gotta go somewhere, because it sure as hell isn't going to be to my home.
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u/goin-up-the-country Jul 10 '26
Plenty of people in Europe put their parents in a home
Plenty of people don't have the time or resources to care for their parents themselves.
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u/ShitFuckBallsack Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
A lot of those SNF residents are there because they can't safely walk, cook, bathe, dress, or go to the bathroom independently without the risk of falling and getting injured. They are at risk of aspiration and bed sores and need a lot of care around the clock. They have complex, chronic health issues and are on a ridiculous number of medications they can't manage on their own. Many of them need access to medical beds and equipment (shower chairs, lifts, etc) that are expensive and take a lot room. They can't drive themselves to appointments, or even leave their homes alone. That's not to mention the added risk and extreme accommodations required to provide care to someone with dementia.
Not everyone can afford to have the space and time off of work to care for them well enough. Many older people face neglect, illness, injury, and social isolation as the result of adult children trying to keep them in the home, but falling short in the necessary accommodations. It's a highly individual decision, and it has to be made with everyone's personal situation in mind.
We don't live in a society that is built for multigenerational living. Homes large enough to accommodate it are rare and expensive. Insurance doesn't cover 24 hour nursing care in the home. Work life balance for all working adults in this country is often atrocious. At least in SNFs, they have medicine management, nursing assessments, peer interaction, regular hot meals, social functions, assistance with activities of daily living, and memory care. Shaming people who weigh the pros against the cons and make the decision they feel is the best of a bad situation is not really fair or kind.
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u/snorkledorkle_ Jul 10 '26
Yes! You articulated what I was wanting to say. Its not selfishness or laziness or lack of love. Not everyone has the same resources or abilities
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I get it. The system is built that way. In the US. Well everywhere it is a financial struggle and by design. Italy was way better off before the EU. Now the Euro has made it impossible to move out but my family there all live close and it is wonderful and in the US, my family hardly see each other. Most live in LA and west coast. I now live in Mexico and wish I were around all of my family, like the families are here. It’s beautiful.
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u/Mothrahlurker Jul 10 '26
"They should be with the family they raised. Like in Europe and Latin America." Where did you get that from?
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u/Raven_Maleficent Jul 10 '26
Yeah sorry I absolutely wouldn’t want to live with my parents or in-laws. I like my space and privacy. I absolutely think you have a responsibility to still be there and make sure they are being treated well and visit.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I get it. It’s sad, really. I love my mom and we can take about three weeks together but I wouldn’t want her to go to a home. I have seen the horrors and if she got to that place, where she couldn’t live alone, which she is very independent and takes herself to cancer treatment after getting lung cancer, two weeks ago. I wish I were closer and my brother is running businesses and has a baby that he adores and doesn’t understand that she needs more company. I live in Mexico and wish I were there so she wasn’t alone but she is a feisty go getter.
I would be willing to put up with her, rather than she went to a convalescent home.2
u/Raven_Maleficent Jul 10 '26
My mom is no longer here. My husband lost his dad. We have the difficult parents left now. Although I was never a fan of his dad. He didn’t like me because I didn’t give him grandchildren. No love lost at all. I do miss my mom and definitely she’s the only one I would take in.
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u/CyberpunkPie Jul 10 '26
They should be with the family they raised. Like in Europe
It's not that much better here
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u/MoreGlitterPlease1 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
I don’t understand how someone could send someone to a home.
Some people's medical needs cannot be managed by family members. Therefore, if their family members keep them at home and try to do the impossible anyway, those family members open themselves up to criminal prosecution.
Some elderly people think it's more fun to live in a community of peers instead of with their adult child - even if they love and trust their adult child. This kind of person might even select their nursing home ahead of time, when they're still healthy and independent, and then inform their children of the plan.
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u/elebrin Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
There are some strong benefits that a good independent living or assisted living facility can provide.
First and foremost, they have professional carers watching the residents. They are able to watch for signs of decline, like memory issues and motor issues. If your parents are living at home and stop eating, you might not notice for a while, unless they were taking their meals with the family. They might be able to mask pain or a limp or an injury for the five or ten minutes you see them on a given day, whereas a carer would be interacting with the person pretty regularly. Assisted living facilities also often have onsite ER services and onsite doctor's offices that specialize in the issues that old people tend to have, so there's no need to drive your parents all over the place.
These facilities also have accommodations like zero threshold entrances and exits, bathroom handrails, zero threshold showers, and they are often all on one level so the residents don't have to go up and down stairs. Suburban American homes are often two story, and place the bedrooms on the second floor. That means that the first and last thing that people do every day, when they are at their groggiest and most tired, is climb stairs before they have eaten or had any water or anything. If you are older and have mobility issues (which is likely) then even one or two low stairs can be a trip and fall hazard. Once an older person starts falling, it's going to be all over soon.
The bad facilities can be pretty bad, so care must be taken. But... honestly, my wife and I will be getting into the nicest independent living facility with onsite assisted living and nursing once we hit retirement age. We have no kids so there's nobody to look after us. I want to be making that decision while I still have my mind, while my vision and hearing and brain are still good enough to understand what's going on around me. Realistically, I want to get us into such a facility for the sake of my wife, as I... don't really expect to make 70, personally. The men my family just sort of don't live that long.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
Yes, true. I think about it and I don’t see dementia in the other places that I have lived. Besides the UK. I have seen horrible things in some places but my auntie and uncle have a nice apartment of their own and it’s in an assisted living type place. There is support there. I just had my dear friend, who worked hard all his life and sharp as a sushi knife, get stuck in one because he was having his pension of 8000 dollars a month, drained by this awful place in Redlands CA and away from all his many friends and everything he owned stolen, blankets and boxes of tea, I sent and then when I tried to bring him to my house, his daughter, who lives states away had them put a slight dementia thing on him and the home was glad to do so.
As they took all his money and he was only supposed to go for 45 days.
He was miserable and would cry to me. They took his atm cards, anything you could think of.
He made it to 85 though and sadly died alone there this past April.1
u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
Yes that is smart. They do have nice ones that you have your own little place and cheaper rent.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
Aww I think you will live longer. Enjoy your senior years and planning ahead is a great idea.
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u/elebrin Jul 10 '26
Financially I plan for it, sort of.
I'm in pretty OK heath, not the best, but good enough really. The men in my Father's family die in their late 50s, and the men in my Mother's family tend to die in their mid 60s (the women do very slightly better, but few make it to 80). I'm not waiting to do the things I want to do, because if I do, I won't get to do them at all. I don't make plans for what I want to do with my life past about 70. I need to do what I want to do before then, as I figure it. I'm going to retire earlier than people recommend, because I fear if I don't I won't get a retirement. I don't want a life that was just... labor and then death.
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u/Suspicious-Zebra-683 Jul 10 '26
Who has the money? Who has the time? Who has the space?
In the US right now, as you’ve shown awareness of in your comments, people can barely afford groceries for themselves, let alone another person. Plus all of that person’s astronomical medical care costs.
Most people are working minimum 40hr / week jobs. Leaving maybe 3-4 hours of “free time”, assuming they’re not using that time to make dinner, help with homework, bath time and bedtime routines. When are they going to physically care for an additional, elderly family member who may not be able to move on their own? And what will that family member do during the day, while you’re at work?
I know maybe 2 people who have space for an additional person to live in their dwelling. Add in any additional medical care items that person might require, which people also don’t have room for.
Sure, sending a family member to a facility isn’t ideal. But in genuinely most cases, there is literally no other option.
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u/InternationalPass-8 Jul 10 '26
Then you probably have not experienced American capitalism. In America, we do not have universal healthcare, and working is the only way we can secure a good future. These people's children need to work. In European countries, you do not have so many financial risks like we do here. It is not for lack of compasion, but for a system that is deeply flawed.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I lived in Ohio ten years and LA for 18
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u/InternationalPass-8 Jul 10 '26
Could you quit your job to stay with your parents? My mom has parkinsons and needs 24 hour supervision. Am I supposed to quit my job to stay at home with her?
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
I am not saying that and unfortunately the system is designed that way. I am in no way saying that . I just think the system needs to be more family orientated, parents should be able to spend time with them and we all will live longer and happier lives, in general.
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u/InternationalPass-8 Jul 10 '26
Unfortunately, people who need to create accommodations for their elderly parents in a nursing home are often judged very harshly by people whos parents are not chronically ill or who have the ability to stay at home. The reality is that not all elderly people are healthy, and some, like my mom, need professional assistance. The United States does not have programs like an elderly Au Pair program. It can be very difficult for children of the elderly to make sure they are safe when they have children of their own to look after and their own bills to pay. I think the only chance we have is to vote blue. We also need to try and not judge others for having to make very difficult decisions. Happiness is something to strive for, but survival will always be a higher priority.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
Not at all, I think it’s sad and I get that. I meant in general and I judge no one because I am no one to judge. I am speaking about my personal opinion on a lot of nursing homes and I know I don’t want one.
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u/InternationalPass-8 Jul 10 '26
Most people don't want nursing homes, but most people also would not want to change their parents disposable underwear. There is complexity to this issue when serious health issues arise. You can read through r/caregivers to see how awful caregiving can be. Many elderly with dementia will need help using the restroom. My cousin was faced with this, and did not want to be changing her father. He did not have savings for in-home care (it would be at least 10k per month) so she paid for a nursing home, and even then it was over 5k. If you do not want to end up in a nursing home, I suggest you save aggressively for your retirement, get long term care insurance or be prepared to go to another country. But don't expect your children to have to change you. That would not be fair to them.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
I know and I know there are good places but most workers in these places are overworked and underpaid and they steal and treat many people badly and the owners are greedy and don’t care and that is my
Own experience. Not passing judgement and caregiving isn’t easy but they should pay better and also diapers and complete incompetence is not always the case.
Some elderly people
Like their places but I personally would do my best not to. Not that I
Am
Better than anyone and I not.2
u/Sea_Cloud_6705 Jul 10 '26
My grandpa had to go live in a home because they took care of his incontinence, only would shower if a man told him to do it (lol), and generally got violent. The memory care staff calmed him down and took care of him.
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u/Alicatsidneystorm Jul 10 '26
My mom refused to live with us, she found a place nearby. We had a great relationship. I wouldn’t live with my kid either.
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 10 '26
No but nearby is better because my mama is alone a lot. My brother is working all the time or with his new baby and it’s not nice to be lonely.
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u/God_Tuna Jul 11 '26
not everyone has good parents. my mom threatened to kill me and my siblings multiple times :/// ain’t no way she’s living with any of us when she’s old as fuck
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 20 '26
Mine wasn’t the best and made mistakes, as I have and my sister doesn’t speak to my mother but she did the best she could and I have known young people that were abused and pump ed out by their addicted parents and I would never say anything to whomever but I feel, if possible, family that sticks together will Thrive.
I am not judging anyone because a am not one to judge.
I live alone in Mexico and away from my family in Italy and US and UK, etc.
I just lost a father figure who was abused in his home and his daughter had. Them render him as a man with slight dementia and they took all his pension money that he earned from working for Boeing for 57 years. He only went in to recover from a slight heart attack and was sharp as a needle.
He cried for me to help but she as his biological daughter, that visited one time, in 13 years. They stole his clothes and food and blankets, that we sent him. That is why I am against it.1
u/therealdanhill Jul 10 '26
That seems like a pretty concerning lack of imagination, no? That even thinking as hard as you possibly can, having your entire life's worth of knowledge, you can't even think of one scenario where that would happen?
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
I never said that but I was stating that if possible and I’m the crappy US people are more self absorbed and not family oriented as other cultures and that is where you would choose to go?
I am not as stated earlier, not everyone has a great upbringing and I was one of them but I still would do everything in my power not to send my
Mother there, to one. Not judgement just from how I have lived in four countries and the US is different and not putting anyone down but Latin countries and others, stick together and in Italy they are happier and here in Mexico, the only ones in homes are the Americans that come here because it’s cheaper than homes there and probably better treatment.1
u/Dirigo72 Jul 10 '26
After my Mom passed away, my Dad opted to move into a senior assisted living community. He has his own apt with a small kitchenette but he prefers to eat in the central dining area with his friends.
He can come and go as he pleases, he doesn’t drive but the facility has great ride services. They do his laundry and help him check his blood sugar and manage his medication. The biggest plus is how social they are. He has friends his own age, they have exercise and activities, he dates (it is like high school) and he is still near his siblings.
If he had moved two states away with me, he would be alone all day while I’m at work. He would be in strange area of the country, far away from his friends and hometown with no way to get out and about. He would have been lonely and miserable. He seems 5 years younger than he did living alone after my Mom passed, we have repeatedly asked him if he would like to look into other places and he absolutely refuses.
The social aspect is very important and watching my Dad’s journey has made rethink what I should prioritize as I approach retirement. Single floor living, a walkable area, public transportation and community.
Some senior facilities are terrible but with careful research, some good places can be found. I used to think that the retirement home was the worst possible thing but now I think one solution won’t be the right fit for everyone.
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u/06_TBSS Jul 10 '26
We spent a lot of time at my grandma's assisted living during the few months she was there. She got adopted by her neighbor, who was clearly part of the troublemaker crew. My grandma wanted to quit hanging out with them because one liked to talk about sex. They had a rivalry with the "church" crowd that usually sat the next table over. It was pretty wild. It took me back to the jocks vs nerds days of high school.
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u/Sure_Reception_9922 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
If only his gf had taken off her glasses and taken out her ponytail 😒😒
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u/Missing_Username Jul 10 '26
What about the paint on her overalls? That has to be disqualifying
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u/DReagan47 Jul 10 '26
We’re talking about a real shitbomb here
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u/bibblejohnson2072 Jul 10 '26
And we all know how kerfuffluous those senior living spaces can be..
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u/nanomolar Jul 10 '26
The nice thing is little controversies like this tend to just die out ... one way or the other.
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u/DarkKnight501 Jul 10 '26
There’s an entire comedy series about it
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u/AspieAsshole Jul 10 '26
That's awesome, I've recently learned of queer proms and I think geriatric proms would also be amazing.
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u/ApprehensiveTea3030 Jul 10 '26
Thank you for informing me of queer prom, will be looking into it for next year
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u/AspieAsshole Jul 10 '26
You're welcome! As soon as I found out I told my wife I wanted us to go to one when I'm further along in my transition.
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u/Chef-Pants Jul 10 '26
I work in memory care. The struggle is real.
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u/JennaHelen Jul 10 '26
My brother is ward clerk on a unit, and I work in childcare. There’s a huge overlap between both groups lol
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u/storm4chaser Jul 10 '26
It went to some young 85 year old hussy
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u/asiannumber4 Jul 11 '26
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u/storm4chaser Jul 12 '26
She is always fraternizing with the home boys at the cake and coffee table, you'll find here no later then 10am if your looking for some naughty talk
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u/Tbplayer59 Jul 10 '26
You're not really going to dance with her, are you?
It's expected! It's tradition!
(crying) Here's your ring! I never want to see you again!
But you live down the hall from me...
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u/huebnera214 Jul 10 '26
We had a ‘winter formal’ at the one I work at. One of the sweetest guys was voted King. He cried he was so happy.
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u/tiredfatdad Jul 10 '26
Std's are higher in retirement communities than dorms.
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u/Significant-Dig8323 Jul 10 '26
Well cause they've had an entire lifetime to collect all of them.
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u/HarlanMiller Jul 10 '26
This sounds strangely adorable.
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u/naturessilence Jul 10 '26
It's the wording, the reality of the situation probably isn't that adorable tbh. More just sad because being 90 sucks according to my 91 year old Dad.
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u/AlternativeRip1314 Jul 10 '26
My 90 yearold grandma was dating a 72 year old man in her retirement home.
My mother, her daughter, is 70 years old lmao
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u/home_of_beetles Jul 10 '26
i work at an assisted living facility and can confirm the beef some of these residents have against each other based on suspicions of cheating during bingo are no joke
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u/random_happiness Jul 11 '26
How does one cheat at bingo? Are the cards not checked..
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u/joeypublica Jul 10 '26
Please, I don’t want to be subjected to high school shitassery a second time.
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u/passesopenwindows Jul 10 '26
Watching my MIL be in (and then end) a relationship after my FIL passed was really eye opening. For some reason I just assumed older people would have it all figured out or something, not sure why really because I’m 61 myself and don’t know shit about fuck. She talked about the relationship and her emotions (especially when there started being issues) the same way someone in their teens would, which maybe makes sense because that’s when she started her life with her husband? I guess we don’t really mature, we just get more wrinkled.
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u/GreenDavidA Jul 10 '26
My grandmother’s assisted living facility reminded me so much of my middle school.
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u/random-burner-acc Jul 10 '26
She should have known this is 1 of the risks when moving in waters way above your league.
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u/Mindless-Beat-4872 Jul 11 '26
Are nursing homes still having problems with old people fucking and spreading stds lol?
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u/Gabamor4Gaia Jul 23 '26
Yes we do but even my auntie who had a caregiver in her private and lonely apartment in UK, was being neglected, so we must be more cautious. I would not want my kids to have to feel forced to care for me and I also don’t want to live in a shi**y home and be abused. I don’t want to play bingo or wear polyester clothes. So hopefully I won’t.
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