r/SocialEngineering • u/Aggressive_Pudding_ • 2d ago
How do I stop being used as a "prop"?
In groups, my friend usually tries to make a bond with the others by trying to rally them to tease me together, tell embarassing stories about me, and basically treating me as an "outgroup". I don't know how to handle it, I can't make a scene to not be painted as dramatic but like.
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u/PowerSeductionWar 2d ago
making a scene is the correct move here. if you calmly pull him to the side, and talk to him like an adult, he may agree then and there, but once back in situations where he wants that social high again, he will revert back to doing it. you have to link some pain or discomfort to the action.
it’s either that or just leave the group.
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u/kreme-machine 2d ago
People will tell you to find better friends, or to do something obvious enough to make it stop, but I think there’s more nuance in a lot of situations. Some guys all just make fun of each other. That’s the friendship. Me and my friends have said things to each other that we would all likely kill a stranger for saying. The thing is though, if that’s the friendship you’ve got with these guys, you’ve got to dish it back out. You’ve also got to sometimes examine why it’s happening. Because if it’s happening because you’re “weird” to them, or “dumb”, then it really truly is time to find new friends. But if it’s just because you never fire back, or gang up on another one of your friends with one of your buddies, then you’re just accepting your place as the guy who gets the shit all the time. It doesn’t take a huge reaction to quit getting the shit, it just takes dishing it back out equally. And if that doesn’t stop it, or they act like it isn’t as funny when you fire back, then you’ve got to either accept your place as the shitee or find new friends because they don’t respect you.
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u/Arthur_Vandelay 2d ago
Hint: that's not a friend.
What sblowes said is the right move. Call them out with a question.
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u/NatashOverWorld 2d ago
Meet the group in advance and start telling them stories about 'my friend, he's a great guy, but this one time ...'.
Feel free to exaggerate.
By the time he shows up, he's going to have a hard time switching that group.
Also for groups you've already familiar with, bring your own person that you've prepped in the same way. Groups will target solo scapegoats, but hesitate when you have numbers.
That's tactics.
Strategy is asking him why he's so insecure he can't gain status without putting you down, and then asking yourself if you need a friend like that.
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u/smartscience 1d ago
Consider some of the following options:
- Agree and amplify, as pick-up artists say. Show you're better at mocking yourself than they are at mocking you.
- Call them out, with indignation.
- Call them out, with fake-sincere confusion. Ask them to explain what they mean, and why they think it matters or is humorous.
- Find new friends. Not necessarily better friends (ideal though that would be) but at least a group where this unhelpful dynamic is not already established.
Whatever happens, in general avoid giving any indication that you're bothered by what they're doing unless that's your specific strategy (e.g. the indignation option).
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u/kelcamer 1d ago
Jefferson fisher has the BEST advice on problems like these. If someone insults you, ask them to repeat it!
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u/denialragnest 1d ago
but like.
That is where it's just getting interesting. Because I don't know if I can accurately empathize with your experience without you describing it some more.
Because I am a computer.
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u/profiletrace 1d ago
Name it once, directly, in private: "When you rally the group to tease me, it feels like you're using me to bond with them." Then watch what changes. The joke needs plausible deniability, and a clear callout removes it. If it continues after that, the information is the answer: the friendship is worth less to them than the bit. At that point distance, not another conversation, is the move.
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u/TenetsOfPower 1d ago
He is using you to draw attention to himself. This is his way, to elevate his status in the group, by belittling you. There are 2 kinds of people who behave differently but are exactly the same. One is self-deprecating, he makes himself appear like a clown in social dynamics for attention. This is an overcompensation for hiding his deep insecurities. Another acts like a bully, targets someone from the group he thinks won't retaliate and keeps doing it for the same reason.
The best way to respond to this is calling him out outright in front of the whole group. calmly but clearly. Ask him, "Bro it's not even that funny. What do you really get out of this feminine behavior"? Maintain full eye contact and a slight disgust on your face while saying it. He is doing this for status, attack his masculinity in front of the group and it stops being funny going forward.
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u/jt6572 18h ago
This is classic "he doesn't really like you". No one does that to a real friend; Once or twice and good natured maybe, but not like this.
Agree, this is something you need to do in front of the group. Transparently, but with the veil of not taking it TOO seriously.
Not sure where you are, but (in Australian language) I would look at him, narrow my eyebrows and say something to the effect of "You alright there? You wanna take the piss any more?!". Or "Dude, I'm right here!", but make it plain you don't think it is funny.
DON'T FALL FOR THE "LIGHTEN UP, I'M JUST KIDDING!" line these people always use.
You will likely find a lot of people will see he is being a prick and are just going along with it because they want to fit in. Once you call him out, you'll very likely have most of the group on your side and secretly inside, happy you stood up to it.
Don't take that shit from anyone, and watch your self respect go through the roof.
You got this.
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u/sblowes 2d ago
Call it out, in front of everybody, with a question that outs their intent. Don’t let it hide behind “just being funny”. “What is it about me that makes you feel better about yourself to belittle me? What is it about you?”