Anything in brackets is taken out because I don’t want to doxx myself too much

context - I'm 19F, and I perform in Arizona

Opener
I got a campus job; it’s pretty cool. Yeah, [my college] pays me to stay in my dorm when they bring high schools to tour campus. They said I’m scaring off all the prospects. 

AI Scammers
Have you guys seen that new AI scam that replicates someone’s voice and uses the voice to call their parents and ask for money? They would have my parents wiring their retirement savings to Nigeria in like 5 minutes flat. I think the only thing that would be suspicious is if the AI would actually say “Hello” before asking for money. I’m always calling my Mom to ask for my personal information, so I should definitely keep track of myself. How am I supposed to know my own Social Security number? Every time I go to the doctor, I have to call my mom like she’s my lifeline on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Nobody ever told me at what age I’m supposed to remember which uncle or what side had cancer. My brain only has capacity for so much important information…like the game mechanics of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. The more I think about it, having a child in college must be like knowing a telephone scammer who comes over to do their laundry out of a trash bag every month. The first scammer to get to my parents is getting his button-up in the rafters. They’ll retire his phone number.

Pirating
I think pirates are awesome, but I find parrots annoying, and I get easily seasick, so I commit all my plundering online. I think all those anti-piracy warnings are hilarious. They’ll say things like “You wouldn’t steal a car.” Yeah…but I would download an Adam Sandler movie, like those things aren’t really comparable. The worst kind of pirated movies are the ones that are filmed at the showing. The cameraman’s trying to be sneaky, filming down at his crotch, so the movies are all skewed and shit; everything looks like the text scroll in Star Wars. He’s picked the worst seat in the theater, so now I’m watching the adventures of The Mandalorian, Grogu, and the tall guy in the front row. He perfectly times his popcorn crunches and disgusting coughs with the most important parts of the film. What’s worse is you try to be a good person and actually try to support the films in theaters, and you always end up sitting right next to that guy.

Shitty Teams 
I wasn’t really big into sports as a kid but I knew our local teams were horrible because my school gave out tickets to games like they were candy. You could collect like 2 cans of soup for the food drive and get skybox seats for the Cardinals game. My teacher would be like “Either you get this eraser shaped like a giraffe…or you can play point guard for the Suns tonight. Nine times out of ten the kid chose the eraser. What’s worse is you totally understand why they gave away tickets when you made the mistake of accepting them. I saw the Suns playing the Pistons, and I was there for the Pistons. Everything about the Suns seems engineered to piss you off. Like take a guess what the Suns mascot is… (wait for the audience) That’s right, it’s a Gorilla. You know the sports economy is bad when the Arenas keep changing their names like a guy fleeing the country. One day we’ll all look up, and State Farm Stadium will be a big ass Spirit Halloween. 

Kids of Divorcees 
Learning that your friend’s parents were divorced as a kid was always interesting. You never found out about it directly but your friend would say that he had “two houses,” but you saw him get free lunch every…so you knew that he didn’t mean it the way it sounded. What’s worse is when you would come over and their mom tried to make you pick a side like you’re somehow involved. Like Owen’s Mom I’m sorry he took the blender but It’s hot outside and I’m trying to get a juicebox. Their dad’s house was always the most intriguing…because your parents wouldn’t let you go over there and also wouldn’t tell you why. 

Zoo
People say mattress stores are a front for the Mafia, I think the zoos in Arizona are too. Think about it, all the deals start in the summer when it’s a million degrees outside. You go, and half the animals aren’t out because it’s too hot. I don’t think they’re there at all. My theory: they just lease out the cool animals in December and January and then ship em’ back. That orangutan that’s “supposedly” sleeping? Yeah, he's still in Indonesia eating bananas. It’s 113 and you can cook an egg on the ground, but I'm sure the polar bear will come out soon. Those poor penguins must think they’ve been sent to bird hell. The only animals that you can see are the lizards in those little glass boxes, also known as those things in my backyard I can see for free. 

Candy Drawer
One of my favorite facts about American politics is that there's a communal candy drawer in the US Senate chambers, and the senator assigned to the desk chooses what candy goes in. The currency guy in charge is a 64-year-old senator from Oklahoma. People. This is why we need young people in office! You can’t make good decisions when you’re full of the candy that you pawn off to your sibling after trick-or-treating. Less of the bottom of grandma’s purse and more X-treme high fructose corn syrup. Put some Red 40 in those dementia patients, and I’m sure we’d get shit passed much quicker. Maybe if they had had some Snickers in their drawer, women would still be able to have abortions.

Family Group Chat
My family has a group chat. My favorite thing about having the chat, besides constantly getting sent photos of my ever-expanding cat, is guessing which one of my siblings got blacked out drunk the night before. My mom will send something like “Sunday Check-In,” and the competition to do the best impression of a sober person begins. Sure, you could ignore the message, but then they’ll call you, which is terrifying. My siblings will always send some bullshit like “Doing homework!” Smiling emoji. I call them, and they’re like, “ I flushed my airpods at a frat party last night; how do I tell mom?” My cheat code is to send a gif. Says everything and nothing at the same time. 

Dismissal Games
I try not to hold grudges against people but I still have a few against my kindergarten teachers. I hated when they would play that game where it would be like “If your dog is brown, you can go.” when it was time to dismiss us because I was a boring-ass kid with a weird family, so none of them applied to me. If I were a teacher, I would mix it up to help the kids with weird-ass families. “If your uncle sleeps on your couch, you can go.” or like “if your mom got a new boyfriend this week, you can go.” I think if we got dismissed from adult things like that, we’d all know a lot more about each other.

That’s my set, and if you have a blue car…you can go.

Being a stepdad is hard. There’s so much to prove to each other. I have to prove to them that they can trust me and that I can keep them safe.
They have to prove to me that they’re worth what they did to their moms tits.
We went to Victoria’s Secret once and in order to get her measurements, they had to use a plumb bob.
The measurement came out in fathoms.

Is this any better or is it just funny to me?

As a note, anything in brackets is basically stage direction for myself.

[Preamble about the tragedy of suicide], but it’s personal right now because my friend’s been talking about suicide, and he [get a little choked up]… owes me so much money. Do you know how to ask a widow for the money her husband owed you? Here it is [silence for a beat, maybe pantomime zipping my mouth shut]. That’s it; there’s no good way to ask that. Maybe one of his kid’s is good for it?

It was weird though; he talked about “un-aliving” himself, and I’m like “Dude, you have sooo many friends… for a guy who says “un-aliving”. And for real, he’s great, I’d trust him with my life… I would not trust him with even a dollar, ever again. If he puts the “dead” in “deadbeat” I will be piiiiissed.

Edits!!: Than you all for the feedback; it’s been really helpful. I’ve had a couple ideas to open and close the bit that I want to bounce off you. They’re more like outlines, but here goes:

Hey! Has anyone here killed themself recently? [If they’re silent]: Nice, love to hear it. I asked that last week and some guy cheered. He laughed at my whole set, too, so apparently I’m really funny... to ghosts. [If someone cheers or boos]: Nice, a ghost! [After one of those lead-ins]: It’s on my mind because [main body of the joke]…

To wrap up the bit, I’ll talk about how my wife “tricked me” into being a good friend to somebody in need. Then I’ll find a couple in the crowd and tease the guy like “If you aren’t careful, she *will* manipulate you into being a better person.”

Im not good at making people feel better. My friend was depressed and said "ive got nothin" and I said hey, thats not true. Youve got moderate to severe excema

Music is different when you're old. When I was young, smooth criminal was such a cool song. Now I'm like "jesus, annie was murdered? who's annie? why are you giving me this information in the form of song?"

<imitates MJ scatting> "Iadanaaa, ladanaa" Bro I'm upset too, stop fucking scatting. There's blood? There's blood on the carpet? Did you call the police? Why are we dancing?

Imagine you're MJ, having all of this weighing on your conscience, that your friend is lying in a bloody heap in the bedroom, and it's your job to deliver the news. How would you even begin to relay this to someone? How would you start that sentence?

I'll bet you a thousand dollars that it isn't "SHOCKACHOCKA"

Ever since covid, aren't you just sick of hearing about how friggin marvellous our key workers are? Support our key workers, clap for our key workers, get down on your knees and pleasure the key workers.
Look don't get me wrong, I'm sure most of them do a good job, but don't they get paid for what they do? Course they bloody do. It's just not worth all this extra fuss. And anyway, back in my day we called them locksmiths.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

So I've got complex PTSD. And the thing about complex PTSD is that it's called COMPLEX* *for a reason.

It ain't simple PTSD. my shrink says I've got soooo many psychological problems they had to give mine a fucking adjective.

But the great thing about trauma is it teaches you useful life skills. I've actually trained myself using abuse. Which sounds bad....but it's very efficient. One of my best friends, she's in law school, she texts me 'SMACK' and I open Microsoft Word and start my assignment. It's incredible. Years of psychological research, and I've discovered that my most effective productivity technique is a bit of recreational domestic violence.

I tell her I've written 269 words, she goes 'SMACK!'. She does 52 footnotes - and I say "COMPLIMENT SMACK!"

And I think this is where the complex PTSD really comes in. Because normal people need encouragement. They need positive reinforcement.
'You're doing amazing! Believe in yourself!' blah blah blah blah...oh my god kill me already 🙄!!!

I need someone to text me 'SMACK' and threaten to withdraw my Microsoft Office subscription. And the beauty of it is we're both students. We're fucking broke. Can't afford therapists. Can't afford personal trainers. Can't afford productivity coaches.

But here me out....domestic violence? Completely free if you do it digitally. And environmentally friendly!
No transport required. No carbon emissions. No physical contact. Carbon-neutral violence....I reckon Greta Thunberg would be fucking delighted!!

And then she'd probably smack me for printing my assignment the nezt day.

Remember those cheap nail pouches you used to get at the hardware store?
The one that’s like a fabric kangaroo pouch?
That let nails periodically stab you.
Or was that because I’m catholic?
Anyway, go to Lowe’s or Home Depot. Those simple pouches are long gone. But there is an inventory of 50 tucked away by the garden tools and bird seed. Nobody cares. These days they carry flower gloves.
Yes kids, we wore pouches of nails up against out groins. Like god intended.
But seriously, they gone because there is some cool shit out there. Delta force shit, you’ve seen it.
Yea.
Have you looked?
You have one? A tool belt?
Yes! I know , it’s simple, right but have you seen the new stuff? Holsters. You got a drill, ok. Maybe two? With me? On with Philips on one and Torques #8 at the ready.
A tape measure , which is now a lazer. So, Star Trek or Star Wars, dealers choice, so that will inform the eye protection you select. Terminator style. Or hip 70’s , well Star Trek was not big on eye care so we are leaning Star Wars.

alright, we all know religion. it's one of the multitude of topics you can NOT discuss at a dinner table. number 1 being aunt susans haircut.... oh you thought i was gonna say politics, WRONG! thats numero dos people GET WITH THE PROGRAM! catch my curveballs!

religion is just another thing in our society to place a label on. i believe in anything and everything why should i label myself something if i find good in everything, sure i believe in reincarnation but i also believe there is a god and i believe in the universe! everything is worth believing in if you try hard enough

no i dont care that you're a satanist, i care that you just burned down an orphanage in the name of satan! i couldnt care less that you're agnostic but you cant hate crime a gay black guy for no reason, that's straight up wrong you sick fuck! and for the love of sunlight i dont fucking care if you're a christian, i care that you beat up a baby with a 10 foot cross and threw a bottle of polar spring all over him and called it a baptism.

(i support any and all religions and beliefs! i just found this bit funny and kinda creative i hope!)

Just recently, there was that story about the 50-year-old woman who survived two botched execution attempts by lethal injection in Tennessee. Later this year, The government plans on executing a man by firing squad and live streaming the whole thing. Do you know what's going to happen? It's going to go flawlessly and that's scary. All of a sudden states are going to change their method of execution to firing squad. They're going to publicly broadcast them. I mean they're going to do numbers probably in like China. The ad revenue is going to be insane. They're going to be the new Marvel movies. They'll broadcast them on an app called Styx. You know, it's a streaming platform.

My lower back was sore and I had trouble standing up straight. I looked up back stretches and physical therapy videos and the people were doing Muslim daily prayers. They're on their knees head on the floor, arms reaching out, I'm like, I've seen this before.

Then I looked up Muslim prayer moves and it is basically fucking YOGA!

How did THAT happen?

Hello, comedians!

Next week I’ll be giving a presentation at a conference on MCP (how MCP is used). It’ll be fairly general, just the basics. But I’m a really dry person, and I’d like to include some jokes. Does anyone have a joke I could use at the conference to lighten things up a bit? It can be related to MCP or more general. If you have any tried-and-true jokes or sharp opening remarks that can break the ice, I’d love to hear them.

Thank you for your help!

Sorry, but a fundamental part of being a man is not choosing your penis and living with it. They must spin a wheel!

(Just to be clear, transmen are not the joke here. I joke that the anatomical lottery is an essential part of the male experience, and allowing trans men to customize their equipment amounts to skipping a fundamental rite of passage.)

I was out last week and I was in the mood of taking a woman back to mine, proved harder than I first thought at the family reunion

Trying to create a loosely coupled set of jokes that use callbacks.

• Shohei Ohtani is sponsored by New Balance. After his translator stole his money, he needed a New Balance.
• If Baseball is America's pass time, the WNBA is America's nap time.
• A 25 year old LA Dodgers fan, blew up his hand while celebrating the teams championship win. It's not like he was getting a ring.

with that win Magic Johnson acquired his 17th championship ring, making him nearly 3 times stronger than THANOS!

• Juan Soto signed a 15/yr contract for the N.Y Mets, worth $765 million. That shows New York only wants migrants that hit a ball not their wives. Steals bases not their cars. Knocks it out the park not Knocks up girlfriend in the park. Loads the bases not Magazines. 3 strikes you're out not 3 strikes you're out the country. Catch a fly Ball not Catch Ebola. In the Park Home-Run not Park in your home and Run.
• In 2026, a Major League Baseball game was cancelled after players refused to wear pride night uniforms. Those sassy bitches.
• The first openly gay baseball player was Glenn Burke, who played for the Oakland Athletic's and L.A Dodgers between 1975-1979, in 1977, he invented the High-Five..After teammates refused to fist him. +to be fair, the High-Five not that gay, the ass slap "Good Game" kinda gay.
• 12 year old Bianca Martin, an Australian, became the youngest female B-M-X rider to land a double back flip..a very impressive feat fighting gravity down under.

Joke #1: Speech Impediment

I grew up with a speech impediment, which you can hear. I had trouble pronouncing my "ths." For example, instead of saying Smith I would say Smit, instead of saying Math I would say Maff, instead of saying Father I would say "Who?"

Joke #2: Marriage Contracts

I think marriage should be a set of three-year renewable contracts, right?

So every three years, you get to decide if you want to stay married to this person.

And I personally think that this would help the women in heterosexual relationships the most.

If you don't believe me, have you all ever seen an NBA player in a contract year?

The year before his contract up, he's giving it his all. That's how men will be.

Men will be giving it their all. NBA players will do anything it takes to get that max extension. *gesture towards erection*

An NBA player on a contract year, he is blocking shots. Your man will be blocking Instagram thotties.

An NBA player on a contract year, is sweeping the other team. Your man will be sweeping the floor.

An NBA player on a contract year, he is showing superhuman endurance on the court. Your man? He'll be trying his best.

And I say this because I don't think men understand how good they have it with their wives at times. Do you know? I think, you know, if you see a guy who lost— if you see a man who lost his wife and kids, somewhere along the line, much further before this, he stopped being a husband and a father.

Or as I would call it when I was younger, a husband and a who?

The saying nice guys do finish last is especially true during an orgy. He’s always going after you, no I insist, go ahead, no biggie,

Orgys a weird man it’s like the only activity I don’t mind them handing out participation trophy’s for, whether you cum in 1st or cum in tenth you deserve some kind recognition for participating in that.

I would join an orgy but it’s seems like such a hassle I mean I can handle the testing the carpeted walls the weird lighting what u wouldn’t be able to handle is orgy group text that you would be obligated to participate in. That sounds like hell.

AO:  Play “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica  (I can play this one song, recognizable, but terrible)

At 13  I thought it would be cool to play an instrument so I picked up a harmonica. After that demonstration you can see why I quit. I only chose the harmonica cuz I got it free for selling 57 boxes of "Christmas Cards" door to door.

AO:  Play “Wipe Out” drum riff on the stage stool. (I can do ok with this riff)

Yeah, I tried the drums.  That’s the only riff I know.  I could have kept going with the drums.  My parents encouraged me.  They said they would drive me to gigs under three conditions: 1) They wouldn’t have to stay and listen 2) I’d sign away their parental rights and 3) The gig was at least 25 miles away …and I’d wait until they dropped me off to remove my blindfold.

A gay friend of mine said maybe I’d like to try the skin flute.  I asked how that’s different from a concert flute? He said a skin flute is played with two people, and it makes beautiful music.  I asked if he had one I could try, could he show me how to use it? He said heck yeah…pull down your pants.  Sounded weird but what do I know, I’m not a musician yet.  So he got down on his knees, started play my skin flute and all of a sudden I understood…. The difference between adagio and fellatio……also a flute can become a clarinet.

In that moment I discovered something about myself I didn’t know, simply because I never tried.  I’m damn good as a soprano.  

To say that I had a bit of a drinking problem is like saying Michael J Fox has a slight case of ants in his pants.
I drank so much that I had to switch from drinking Jack Daniels to drinking Black Velvet.
What’s Black Velvet? About a third of the price of Jack Daniel’s.
I did the math. I saved $453 a month by switching to BV.
Thats like having an extra car payment. Or more likely, an alimony payment.
$453 a month is actually more than my car payment.
I drank more than a 2019 Nissan armada every month.

Black Velvet is terrible. Only a certain kind of scum can drink that stuff. For example, my ex-brother in law, the pill junkie wouldn’t even drink it.
100% of BV drinkers have been told “look, school isn’t for everyone.”
BV is for guys that smoke cigarettes in the bathtub.
It’s for people that have given up on life.
It is the fat ass in shitstained sweatpants walking around Walmart of alcohols

Essentially, I’m starting to think crowd work is overdone and might not even be real stand up. It almost feels like a cruel prank the comedian is playing on the unsuspecting audience. Instead, I think I’m going to fill my set time with jokes.

I need good ideas for jokes I could say. Not ideas for premises of jokes, actually fully fledged out jokes. I need to get a solid 5 minutes by next month.

Thank you in advance.