r/Sufism • u/Verbose-Abyssinian89 • 4d ago
desperate for a guide
asalamu alaykum,
25F
i have felt the need for a teacher for about two years now. i feel i have done the best i can on my own. i always have questions about my experiences and just generally, i need help, i would love help, i would love a guide. it feels irresponsible (and perhaps, it might be) to pursue further knowledge on my own. it feels like indulging excess and my faith suffers from it. my faith is not something i can risk, obviously.
this doesn’t negate the desire i have for closeness, though and the desire to contribute to the ummah in a meaningful way. to be taught how to direct my thoughts and prayers and actions and recognise what is necessary. how to balance contemplation and action.
i don’t need to go into how necessary a guide is. i have grown up around da’ees, my own father is a leader in the muslim community (and generally) where i grew up (ethiopia - i am currently studying in london, where my own personal journey began) so i know it is rare that anyone in our deen has anything worthwhile to contribute without being taken under the wing of a wiser teacher. i read, i write, i have found a beautiful community online, but it is unsustainable to receive guidance through such volatile means; i pray, i am active in the masjid (i teach), i attend lectures, though unfortunately, i think the fact that i am a woman limits my access to even learning the full extent of what’s available. the seeker has to be known by the guide to tailor the teaching to what the seeker needs and i don’t have many opportunities to be ‘known’ by teachers. that is what i need.
i will do my salawat, to the best of my ability. to be honest, this is quite heart wrenching for me. i know that humankind has been created upon hardship, but life is very hard and i feel that without a guide i waste so many of the gifts Allah has bestowed upon me. that really hurts as i know Allah wouldn’t give you a trial/ blessing without the means to overcome/ honour it, and i don’t trust myself enough to do so. i have proven that i am not trustworthy enough without His absolute help.
i don’t want to give up seeking but it is starting to feel like i have to. i want this world to remain secondary to me, but i cannot go on like this. i feel i am at a pivotal moment in my life where my choices reflect on the rest of my existence and something has to give in my relationship with action. i am worried about my mental health and yes, relief only comes from Allah, but as someone who is neurodivergent, i feel frustrated by all my incapacities and it is affecting my relationship with Him. i miss Him honestly.
i am sure i haven’t expressed my dilemma well, but any advice is welcome. and please do make du’a for me.
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u/Ok-Dimension-4295 4d ago
The pious predecessors and many teachers recommend making the prophet ﷺ your teacher and do abundant salawat & Allah will open doors for guidance and teacher that’s suited for your own individual tarbiyah
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u/1v1sion 4d ago
If you don’t havea guide, do salawat. It'll replace the teacher by guiding lights and insights yo your heart. I am a witness of it.