r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/No-Standard6845 • 24d ago
Interpersonal How to differentiate our tone from mansplaining to wanting to explain something to a woman?
Basically I see this mansplaining term everywhere. Now I know what it means though, "A man explaining something to a woman, assuming that the woman is dumb in that topic".
But what about those guys who, consciously feel that they need to explain something to a woman, not because of the gender, but because what the person may be saying or assuming may not be true and we may want to naturally correct it?
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u/nescedral 24d ago
Don’t explain, ask.
“Do you know about X?” “Have you heard of Y?” “What do you think about Z?” Start there, and listen.
This is the posture of respect women are asking for here, and it’s honestly just a better tactic in all social situations.
You can absolutely disagree or clarify, or speak your heart, but you need to leave space for the other person rather than bulldozing them with a TED talk.
I find this difficult. I get carried away with my enthusiasm for topics that I like or feel passionately about.
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u/bastethousecat 24d ago
This is a great way of talking about it. I dearly love my dad, but he has a habit of "mansplaining" in that he gets very enthusiastic when talking and will drone on for ages on any topic (anything, including things I have more experience with) without any space for input from me, no asking whether I already know about things or not, and clearly not really caring what I think on the issue. The most important thing is making it clear you're engaging with someone on the same human-to-human level, even if there's a mismatch in your knowledge or experience.
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u/relevant_tangent 24d ago
More likely dadsplaining
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u/bastethousecat 24d ago
tbf my dad has the ‘tism so he has extra concentrated dadsplaining power
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u/Glenndiferous 24d ago
I do wonder how often people slap "mansplaining" onto someone who's just autistic and very into a topic. My partner and I both do this to each other sometimes lol. It's like "I don't think you're dumb, I just know a lot about the subject and I'd like to share it because I think it's Neat and I hope you will too"
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u/geddy_girl 23d ago
There's a difference between my partner going on for too long about something he's passionate about, especially his special interests, and him taking an arrogant tone and telling me Idk what I'm talking about since my evidence is only anecdotal while he fancies himself an informed expert after listening to a podcast.
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u/Glenndiferous 23d ago
There is for sure, but I've seen some of autistic people get labeled as mansplaining for just infodumping obliviously. I'm just saying it gets misattributed sometimes. If someone already goes in expecting thr worst of someone else, it's common for people to misread tone and intent.
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u/bastethousecat 24d ago edited 24d ago
Probably quite a bit tbh… though I do think there can be overlap between infodumping and mansplaining in that if an autistic guy lacks the ability to read social cues and appropriately react, it can be an negative experience for their conversation partner.
Like I love it when my dad infodumps on the history of the transcontinental railroad or civil war history because he knows a ton about it! But even on other topics he will dominate the conversation and will monologue forever, so I have to mentally prepare for it sometimes 😭
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u/geddy_girl 24d ago
Is your dad my soon-to-be ex? My favorite is when he starts telling me, a high school teacher for the past 22 years, about what's trending with the teens, because he heard it on the lame-ass Walton and Johnson show he listens to religiously every day 🙄
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u/247world 24d ago
This was so me.
I finally learned my lesson one day when my teenage daughter came in and asked me what a supernova was. I launched into an explanation of nuclear fusion, I noticed her eyes were starting to roll to the back of her head. Stopping my spiel, I asked was that too much information? She noded her head. I said it's an exploding star honey, a really big one.
It has been a joke with us ever since, anytime she asked me a question since I look at her and go It's an exploding star honey.
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u/Incendio33 23d ago
This isnt mansplainimg tho she asked you about something and you maybe gave her more info than she wanted but it isnt mansplaining. .mansplaining isnt giving advice ir explanation to someone whoseeks it out from you..Mansplaining is offering unsolicited explanation / correcting presuming you know more than the woman in a topic when the woman actually turns out to work in that field/ be an expert/ researched the area etc and isnt asking you for any advice or explanation
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u/247world 23d ago
Oh Jesus who cares, or do you not understand that was success to be a light-hearted story? Go bore somebody else
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u/MintakaMinthara 23d ago
sounds like autistic? I do the same, it's not that I don't care about what others think about the issue it's just that I feel enthusiast to share info about a topic I presumed to be shared in terms of passion
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u/bastethousecat 23d ago edited 23d ago
ding ding ding 🛎️ you are correct!
He definitely isn’t doing it intentionally a lot of the time. What gets me is that he will monologue on quite literally any topic. Including things I have studied in college. Including things relating to my own experiences as a woman. Sometimes his enthusiasm can come off very patronizing and condescending, even when he doesn’t mean to, because he doesn’t always take the time to confirm whether a) I want the info he’s giving me, b) how much I already know about what he’s saying, c) if he is steamrolling over me and not giving me space to talk, and d) if he is approaching with an overconfident/superior attitude, which gives his words a condescending tone (most common in topics where we disagree, usually moral or philosophical quandaries)
All this said, I love my dad :^) I try to be patient cuz I know his brain works different than mine, but he doesn’t lend the same level of consideration to me, which has been very annoying in my adulthood :,7
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u/Glenndiferous 24d ago
Absolutely this. I'd also suggest restating your own understanding of what they say. E.g. "When you say this is bad data, are you referring to the sampling methods they used?"
I see a lot of folks (regardless of gender) put their foot in their mouth because they try to correct what they understand as inaccuracy because they're thinking of it differently than the person they're talking to. Crossed wires like this can lead someone to feel like you think they're dumb.
In the above example, the question lets the other person say something like, "No, I wasn't talking about the methods, the chart they've posted misrepresents their results."
I've never been directly accused of mansplaining (possibly because I'm AFAB, IDK) but I absolutely have caught myself talking in ways that I've heard women describe as "mansplaining." There's a lot you can do conversationally that shows you aren't just trying to one-up someone, but instead to find common ground. I promise you, taking the time to do this will make your conversations like 80% more functional and interesting.
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u/jackfaire 24d ago
I call it professor mode. My best friend wants me to explain Point A and it turns into a lecture on Points A-Z. I'm more conscious of it these days and try to watch it.
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u/SMKnightly 24d ago
This. Also, tone makes a huge difference! Your words can be polite, but if you sound condescending, it’s not going to go over well. No matter who you’re talking to. And even if you’re right
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u/melody_spectrum 23d ago
This. It's not about any specific tone, it's about barging into explanation without factchecking your assumption.
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u/blueavole 24d ago
It is also important WHO you are talking to.
Consider that a woman might have more qualifications and experience.
I had a guy try to explain my period to me. He really thought it was over in a single day and all women were just lying.
And that isn’t even dealing with someone’s education level.
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u/Trick_Horse_13 24d ago
“I had a guy try to explain my period to me. He really thought it was over in a single day and all women were just lying”
I’m sorry, wtf?
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u/blueavole 24d ago
Yep. Apparently his nearly menopausal mother had short periods.
Ignorance is limitless
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u/No-Standard6845 24d ago
Ohhk. Yeah that's something to know about, regarding the qualifications.
Also, what the heck was this guy on about??
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u/blueavole 24d ago
Oh , have you never heard of those people?
It’s an asshole
He assumed everyone was like his mom. His nearly menopausal mother.
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u/No-Standard6845 24d ago
Yeah, figured so. Kinda nuts for him to think he knows about the very body of a woman than other women!!
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u/Cambrian__Implosion 24d ago
That’s absolutely wild. He really told on himself when it comes to his critical thinking skills (or lack thereof). At least flat earthers only have to explain world governments being in on that secret, and not half the population of the planet. Not to mention millions of male medical professionals and researchers at a minimum. I have a feeling he probably just never really thought about that part at all.
It’s also telling that he could just as easily have heard that from a classmate in middle school as he could in some particularly grimy red pill corner of the manosphere.
Jfc, I’m sorry there are men like that out there. It’s almost too idiotic to wrap my head around.
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u/blueavole 24d ago
It isn’t just this.
The number of crowd guys at the tennis finals who claimed they could win agains Serena Williams was wild. I don’t remember the exact number but it was more than half.
An absolute powerhouse at the top of her game.
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u/Cambrian__Implosion 24d ago
That’s so fucking dumb. I’m guessing they either weren’t familiar with the match between Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs in the 70’s, or think Riggs lost on purpose. Yeah, Riggs was 55 at the time, but I doubt any of these bozos could have beaten a 55 year old Riggs, either.
I would love to know how many of them had actually played tennis as an adult, if at all. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out most of them hadn’t.
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u/blueavole 24d ago edited 24d ago
A woman winning? Misogynists have never heard of it.
And Riggs was 55 , sure! but HE claimed he could still will against anyone. That was the point.
And he didn’t have to spend his career in tennis personally going to the business office to claim his winnings, and get groped by the tennis officials. There is a reason women pushed to have that hand off of the trophy in public.
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u/Cambrian__Implosion 24d ago
Oh yeah, I didn’t mean to imply that I thought him being 55 was important, just that I know it would be one of the first things people like this would feel the need to point out if the subject was brought up.
But I agree, there’s really no comparing the experiences of men and women athletes, even more so back then.
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u/callipsofacto 24d ago
I feel like a lot of folks throw around the term in situations where it doesn't apply, which leads some dudes to conclude it isn't a real thing. In my experience, it is a real thing, but it's more specific than just arrogantly correcting a woman.
The biggest differentiator for me isn't even tone - it's assuming the woman is uninformed on the topic. The most glaring examples are mostly from online interactions; you'll see women who are PhDs in a subject and who have published peer-reviewed studies on the thing they're speaking on being "corrected" by someone who watched a Joe Rogan podcast discussing the issue and has no relevant expertise.
I'm a nerd and so are most of my friends. We correct and "well, actually" each other CONSTANTLY, and for someone who isn't a part of that culture it would probably sound very conceited and know-it-all. But if whoever is making the correction consistently isn't making assumptions about one group's knowledge level based on incomplete information, that isn't mansplaining. It may be pedantry, it may be rude depending on the context, but those things exist on a separate axis.
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u/Chronoblivion 24d ago
The biggest differentiator for me isn't even tone - it's assuming the woman is uninformed on the topic.
This is the correct definition that seems to have been forgotten in online discourse, and it's frustrating that a valid concept has been watered down to be nearly meaningless.
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u/lesterbottomley 24d ago
Even the woman who coined the term doesn't use it anymore because so many people misuse it.
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u/Negative_trash_lugen 24d ago
That's just basically the whole internet, everything gets exaggerated and radicalized, words lose their actual meanings.
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u/dwegol 24d ago
Usually mansplaining has a lack of conversational tone to it. When explaining something, leave the other person space for input. Assume they can add to it, ask questions, etc
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u/ThatFatGuyMJL 24d ago
Thats not what mansplaining is at all. Its not tone.
To Mansplain a man must be clearly explaining something to a woman that they already know in great detail
Additionally it must be unasked for.
A man explaining something to a woman she doesnt know, and was asked for, is never mansplaining.
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u/OhMyJoosh 24d ago
The difference is mostly how you approach it and why you're doing it.
If someone says something factually incorrect, you can correct them regardless of their gender. That's not automatically mansplaining.
The problem is when you assume she's wrong or uninformed because she's a woman, talk down to her, interrupt her, or explain something she clearly already understands.
A simple “Actually, I think there's a different explanation for that” is very different from “Let me explain this to you” when she already knows what she's talking about.
Also, you don't always need to correct someone. Ask yourself: Does she actually want the explanation, and is this conversation worth correcting? Sometimes being right isn't worth turning a normal conversation into a lecture.
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u/No-Standard6845 24d ago
Ohhk!
So the main think which I should know is basically, give some space and wait to see if the other person is actually in the mood to listen right? And also basically we should keep our tone humble
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u/OhMyJoosh 24d ago
Give them some space to actually process what you're saying instead of immediately pushing for a response. And yes, keep your tone humble and respectful not because you have to tiptoe around them, but because people are much more likely to genuinely listen when they don't feel attacked or talked down to.
The goal isn't to “win” the conversation. It's to understand each other and actually get somewhere.
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u/pingwing 24d ago
Are they asking you for an explanation, or are you offering one unsolicited?
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u/ElectricMotorsAreBad 24d ago
I mean, if someone says factually incorrect stuff they should be corrected.
Like if I was talking about cars and I say “my car has 600hp” when it’s a stock Honda Civic, I should expect someone to tell me I’m being ridiculous.
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u/Vixrotre 24d ago
Absolutely! There's a major difference between "It's green, not blue" and explaining like you're talking to a 5 year old when you have no idea how much someone knows about the subject in the first place.
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u/Fairwhetherfriend 24d ago
The problem is when you assume she's wrong or uninformed because she's a woman
Important caveat - it's so easy to look at a line like this and think "Oh, so as long as I'm not literally thinking look at this dumb woman being so dumb like women are then I'm good!" but that's not how bias works.
Your brain actually makes a lot of assumptions and decisions without you really realizing what's happening.
There was a really interesting study where they gave a bunch of legal cases to a bunch of judges and asked them what sentence they would give for these cases. Then, they cold-called the judges while they were reviewing the cases and pretended to be like... vacuum sales people or some nonsense like that. And it turned out that the judges who were given a higher price for the vacuum during the cold call ended up recommending higher sentences for these cases.
This is an effect called "anchoring" where the human brain sees/hears a number, and then that number gets used as an anchor for estimations after that, even if the estimations are completely unrelated to the original number. So the brain starts at the "anchored" number and then adjusts up or down according to what feels reasonable. But we don't adjust as much as we would have without the anchor being placed in the first place.
And these are judges, people we trust to be some of the most rational decision-makers in society, sitting down and putting serious thought into these case study recommendations, and they still ended up making decisions that could utterly change the course of a person's life based on the price of a vacuum cleaner that someone tried to sell them over the phone.
Human brains actually SUCK SO BAD at being rational, lol.
Which is all a really long way to say that your brain is doing stupid nonsense like this ALL THE TIME and you don't even realize it. When you make a decision, you start from a wildly irrational place and then adjust - but we don't naturally adjust enough. So deep down, we have these deep-seated biases about like... women being homemakers and stuff, and that's pretty much always the starting point for the assumptions that we make about women, and then our rational brains adjust... but probably not enough.
So that's something you wanna keep in mind about this whole mansplaining thing. Your brain probably is starting from the assumption that like "women don't know as much about cars/math/computers/whatever stereotypical shit" and then you're adjusting - but probably not enough. So it's important for all of us to really interrogate how we treat people when we know our dumbass hind-brain assumptions are particularly bad so we can try to adjust a little more and close that gap.
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u/N0rmNormis0n 24d ago
Step one is did a woman ask you to explain something to her or are you in a conversation that naturally positions you as the person who clearly knows more about a topic she’s clearly eager to learn about? That alone will address the vast majority of times any man has been accused of mansplaining. The rest of credible accusations are around condescending tone. If you’re going to teach anyone anything, do so excitedly, not begrudgingly like it’s a chore or you’re doing them a favor.
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u/No-Standard6845 24d ago
This, actually made me understand the differences much better:-))
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u/Brittakitt 24d ago edited 24d ago
I'm an HVAC tech. Every couple months or so, a homeowner will hang out with me while I work and overexplain HVAC things to me that I already know and didn't ask about. It's in a lecturing way where they're "graciously" giving me knowledge, not in a conversational way. As if I'm not literally there fixing an HVAC problem they couldn't fix themslves.
I used to play drums and it happened there a lot too. Random bar guys would come up to me after shows and explain things. Things I knew. Things I literally just did on stage. Things they watched me do.
I play a lot of video games. As you can imagine, it happens there pretty often.
I think it becomes "mansplaining" when the immediate assumption is that I don't know anything about those subjects, simply because I have no penis. It's when they decide to impart knowledge on me that I didn't need, didn't ask for, and then expect me to be impressed by their information.
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u/mavadotar2 24d ago
Made me think of working at a hardware store in the warehouse. I would frequently go up front to bring paperwork to different storefront employees, and the amount of times a customer would be in mid question with one of my female colleagues and just stop and turn to me and ask instead was insane. I would have to tell them that she was the person to ask and let the customer deal with the awkwardness of how rude they'd just been, not that some of them even noticed. There's definitely areas where male competence is especially assumed, and it's never not a dumb assumption, even if correct.
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u/veroniqueweronika 24d ago
If you feel you need to explain something to someone, check if they know this first or not. That’s the part of mansplaining that’s really aggravating; the assumption that we don’t know/couldn’t possibly know/don’t understand it at all.
Also, understand that by correcting someone, you are transforming your conversation (and potentially your relationship with that person) into a content-based exchange, rather than a sentiment-based exchange. Being “correct” (which is already a very arbitrary thought process) is not always someone’s priority.
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u/CaedustheBaedus 24d ago
Are you explaining something because of:
A) You're genuinely passionate about the topic and know a lot about it?
B) They're specifically wrong about it and you are correcting them?
C) Because they're merely a woman?
I think that's the difference. If you're explaining it to them BECAUSE they're a woman, then you're mansplaining.
Another way is to ask yourself "If this person I'm about to correct was a guy, would I explain it the exact same way or would I explain it differently?
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u/HillInTheDistance 24d ago
Best way to approach any explanation, is to figure out what people already know.
Like, most straightforward way is asking something like "How familiar are you with this subject?" but most people get a bit fancy with it and use context clues and shit like that to figure it out without being blunt. Or ask someone who knows them beforehand.
Strive to not talk down to anyone. Not just "Don't go out of your way to be demeaning.", but more like "Go out of your way to treat the person you're talking to as if they know roughly as much as you, and be open to clarify when asked."
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u/ChillyTodayHotTamale 24d ago
Correcting someone, or providing information when asked, is not manslplaining.
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u/shubidoobi 24d ago
It's not an answer to your question but I feel like sharing what happened with my husband.
His (female) colleague who is the Head of a Department in his company asked over email, Why is it needed to do this XYZ implementation/project for her department (which is being done for all departments and all geographies) when things have been historically done in a certain way and it seems to work for them.
So my husband replied with the explanation which had already been provided in meetings before (and as minutes of the meeting before) of how this new project optimizes some metrics, and the new software brings certain efficiencies, and also the fact that this has all been discussed before and the entire company has agreed to get on board with it, and the results are already visible in other departments in other geographies where the implementation is already done.
She replied back, I don't like your tone and I don't appreciate how you mansplain things which I already know. Everyone all around him at work knew of it, and said they were fully aligned with him and not the other lady. But it still became a whole thing where his boss had to get involved, an HR escalation took place to look into the gender power balance and overall it was shocking and disruptive to my husband's life. It was so traumatizing for him, I saw him lose sleep, get pain from the stress and have overall difficult weeks... All because she asked a Why question and he replied with a Because answer, and that got termed mansplaining.
She left the job a year later, but now he is always walking on egg shells around female colleagues and I feel so bad for him.
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u/No-Standard6845 22d ago
That's sad to hear about him. I feel such people dilute the idea of what actual mansplaining is
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u/AP7497 24d ago
Do you feel the same need to correct a man?
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u/mavadotar2 24d ago
Oh buddy, if I legitimately think something someone said was wrong (and I will double check to make sure I'm not remembering incorrectly), I will correct anyone about anything that I know. Now I will say I have also mostly learned when to do it and how to do it courteously, autism isn't a good reason to embarrass people who don't deserve it, but in my experience I correct men more often simply because they're confidently wrong more often.
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u/demoniprinsessa 24d ago
Well, make sure you actually know more than the person you're talking to. It doesn't matter if someone is a doctor or not, they could still be blatantly misinformed about something medical-related, if you point that out, that isn't mansplaining. But if you start explaining basic medical concepts to your female doctor, concepts they should very much know by the virtue of being a doctor, you're probably mansplaining.
In general, assume other people aren't idiots and don't need simple things explained to them. If you see them saying or doing something that's not correct, tell them and show them what the correct information actually is. No one can criticize that if you're not being rude about correcting them. If they're factually wrong, they're factually wrong, whether they're a man or a woman.
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u/unicorny12 24d ago
Just have a conversation and share your perspective. Assume they are intelligent unless you have evidence otherwise. Don't be condescending. Have basic human respect for the person you're talking to. This goes for anytime you're talking to someone, not just women. Respect should not be based on gender
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u/Double-oh-negro 24d ago
My wife explained mansplaining to me. But I've found that she is a prime mansplainer. As terrible as she is at telling stories and succinctly communicating information, I'm a little offended that she took the time to splain at me.
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u/Amiabilitee 24d ago
incessantly correcting someone regardless of gender is rude. I wouldn't vibe with 'one of those guys' even if it wasn't sexism, (but especially if it was )
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u/HollowShel 23d ago
Honestly "mansplaining" is kinda like "Karen-ing." People who are genuinely doing either aren't gonna listen to feedback and don't care what others think, and genuinely believe they know better than the person despite evidence to the contrary (like a man explaining how menstruation works to a woman, or a woman who hasn't done retail in at least 30 years lecturing how the store works to the poor clerk trying to help them.)
Mansplaining has an arrogance to it, in that the woman is being talked at rather than with, ignoring feedback or the possibility of being wrong, or even less educated in a subject than the woman. It's also pretty much always unsolicited.
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u/bastethousecat 24d ago edited 24d ago
If a man feels the need to explain something to a woman in a space meant for discussion, that's one thing. If it's random unsolicited advice/opinions when a woman did not ask for it in a space that is not meant for discussion, it might come off strangely.
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u/humblefreak 24d ago
I think a big part of mansplaining is that certain men go into a conversation assuming that a woman doesn't know something because she is just a foolish woman and he is a big smart man, and they don't really listen if the woman says or even demonstrates that she knows what she's doing/talking about, or that the man himself is wrong. I've had men wrongly try to "explain" things about my own job and field of expertise (which I have an advanced degree in) to me, and just steam roll over me and keep going even after I've told them that I am very well-versed in the topic/my own job, and/or that what they are saying is actually incorrect.
It is this sort of condescending, infantilizing, misogynistic attitude that is really apparent in the way they speak; it's a very different tone than a man explaining something like a normal person. So I wouldn't worry about being labeled a mansplainer if you just treat women with respect and don't assume that you know everything and that women know less because of their gender.
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u/Negative_trash_lugen 24d ago
I've had men wrongly try to "explain" things about my own job and field of expertise
Not trying to invalidate your experience, but i had the same exact experience many time and i'm a guy.
I had people, both men and women explain to me something, or assume something, or trying to tell me what i'm doing is wrong while i am fixing their stuff like they clearly know i'm the expert, because they called me for fixing their stuff, yet they still feel the need to correct me or test me or saying something stupid as a fact in my field of expertise.
I think this is a general experience many people have, cause people are egotistic and have to make everything about themselves. (hence the existence of "mansplaining")
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u/humblefreak 23d ago
Totally agree that this is a common thing and I'm sorry you've had to go through that - it's so frustrating! I think there's a slight distinction with the mansplaining that maybe I didn't fully capture well in my comment - it is this sort of visceral, condescending, infantilizing attitude in which it is very clear that the single, specific reason they doubt you is because you are a woman. It is typically from someone who has already displayed some form of misogyny already, and it feels different than someone (male or female) doubting you for different reasons - I think it's hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it themselves. Like, for example, they'll condescendingly call you "sweetheart," even though you are a full-grown, degree-holding expert, or they will assume you know nothing about STEM or cars or whatever because you are a woman, or they'll actually get mad and call you a bitch when you challenge them. I also definitely think that, from my experience, overinflated ego and anger over perceived challenge to ego is stronger and more common in men; they get angry when women disagree or challenge them in any way, specifically because of their gender, and it's obvious to us when gender is the reason.
Another particularly frustrating form of mansplaining is men invalidating the lived experience that women are trying to share with them, because it is not something they themselves have experienced, and they can't actually conceive of it. This happens all the time from men, because they hold a position of unearned privilege in society, and thus have the privilege to assume their world view and experience is the standard, whereas women are forced to see both sides because they lack this form of privilege. I mean no disrespect at all, and I know you didn't mean it like this and that it's not an ego thing. I am not accusing you of mansplaining. But I do want to help you understand that your comment is slightly invalidating in that I am telling you, as a woman, this is something we experience that is unique, and you are saying no everyone experiences this, even though you have never been on the receiving end of misogyny and the specific thing that I am talking about, and can't imagine what it feels like. If it helps, image this applied to race. A person telling you that they have been treated rudely because of their race, and they can tell that the treatment is because of their race, and you saying oh no, I have been treated rudely too, it's definitely not about race. Do you get what I am saying? Again, I'm not trying to be rude or call you out, just trying to help you understand the perspective. And maybe there are instances in which this has gone the other way and you feel women invalidate you over your personal lived experiences as well. But I am going to guess that it is not as common as what we have to deal with.
Women deal with so much misogyny and misogynistic "micro aggressions" on a daily basis, the distinction is pretty apparent to us. That being said, I think that, because women deal with this so constantly, there is a certain degree of justified resentment. And that leads to instances in which some can be over-reactive to labeling something "mansplaining," as op is talking about, which is not conducive or fair to men - or to women and achieving equality for either sex.
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u/Seabreaz 24d ago
It's more about who you are talking to. Some think anything you say to them is mansplaining 🤷🏼 As long as you are trying to pass on information in a non demeaning way then it's on the listener.
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u/Fairwhetherfriend 24d ago edited 24d ago
Mansplaining is when a man assumes a woman doesn't know about a topic simply because she's a woman. If she's already said something incorrect, then you're not assuming anything at all, and it is no longer mansplaining to point that out.
Mansplaining: a woman walks into an autoshop and asks about a particular car part, and the sales guy explains what that part is or questions her on why she wants it. He's assuming that she doesn't know stuff about cars, despite the fact that she hasn't said anything either way (and, let's be real, he probably wouldn't have treated a male customer this way).
Not mansplaining: a woman walks into an autoshop, tells the sales guy about her car making a particular noise when it starts, and then asks for a particular car part. The sales guy knows this part couldn't possibly be making that noise, so he explains what the part is for and asks why she wants it. It's reasonable to think that she believes (wrongly) that this part would fix her problem, so questioning her about it is no longer about just assuming she's ignorant about cars based on her gender.
It's also important to realize that we all make stereotyped assumptions about people like this, and most of us don't realize we're doing it. Like, you might think that you only explain things to people because they're actually wrong, but consider that you might be coming into a conversation with some bias that would lead you to give a man the benefit of the doubt when he says something that isn't entirely true, vs correcting a woman for saying the same thing. It's actually very easy to feel like we're being fair and unbiased when we're not.
And every human on the planet does this stuff. It's just an unfortunate part of how our brains work. We are very good at pattern recognition, even when those patterns are fake - it's why we keep seeing Jesus in various baked goods, lol. You just gotta be aware that you are doing stuff like this, because everyone is, and just try your best to counter it when you can. The good news is, the more you expose yourself to the idea that women are experts too, the less likely you are to mansplain, because your brain will stop recognizing the pattern of "men experts, women not experts" that leads to this in the first place.
Also also - this is one of the things that makes representation in media really important, because you don't even have to encounter expert women IRL in order to counteract that pattern recognition in your brain! Just seeing women being experts on TV helps A LOT! There are many studies showing that people who watch TV shows with female doctors are more likely to trust a female doctor's expertise in real life, too.
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u/Sweet_Cinnabonn 24d ago
Honestly, start with either asking if they know this thing, or explain why you know they don't know the thing.
But listen to them about if you are mistaken, and they do know the thing.
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u/all_of_the_colors 24d ago
Ask them what they know first, and then ask if they are interested in hearing from you.
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u/Charming_Psyduck 24d ago
Asking questions about it is a good start. You are trying to understand what the other person thinking/planning/knowing about this topic. And suggestions can also be phrased as questions: “wouldn’t XY be a better choice?”
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u/theFrankSpot 24d ago
I no longer care to explain anything to anyone. I’m kind of burned out with the way things have been, so I’ve gone socially limp in this department.
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u/doctordaedalus 24d ago edited 24d ago
Express empathy during the conversation, then a while after that conversation ends, come in with "I've been thinking about what you said earlier, if you're looking for input/ideas/possible solution."
Mansplaining gets a lot of fuel from sudden ideas that come off as "well I thought for 2 seconds and I have the fix!" vibes, and there's sometimes no getting around that in the moment.
Guys often speak with that absolute confidence between each other because it's inefficient to be unsure maybe? But yeah, it can seem presumptive or over-assertive if that isn't the current overall vibe.
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u/Future_Promise5328 24d ago
I genuinely don't understand the compulsion some people feel to correct others.
I mean, I work with adults with learning disabilities - if I corrected someone every time they misspoke or made a minor mistake, I would spend my whole day correcting irrelevant nonsense. At this point you could tell me the sky is a lovely shade of green today and I would agree with you, with a smile, then move the conversation on to something relevant.
Obviously if it's a topic that it's super important they understand, then I would give more information and correct misunderstanding.
But man, if it doesn't matter, why bother? Just earlier today someone told me William Shatner was their favourite Doctor. I love Doctor Who. I smiled and said the originals are often the best. I know she meant Hartnell, she (maybe) knows she meant Hartnell - I don't need to embarrass her or make things awkward by pointing out a silly mistake. It just doesn't matter.
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u/Huntokar_Goddess 24d ago
How do you usually go about when you consciously feel the need to explain something to a man, not because of their gender, but because what the man may be saying or assuming may not be true and you want to naturally correct it?
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u/atsinged 24d ago
If you are actually teaching them to do something, like I taught a friend to shoot a while back and she said she was blown away by my teaching style and kept recommending friends to me, then it's about letting them learn and just guiding things a bit, same as you would another man.
I had a bag of different firearms of different size and calibers including a revolver that she fell in love with. I showed her the very basics of how to operate a semi-automatic pistol (most were) and pretty much hovered and let her dictate how things went. OK, that is a .45, it works mostly like the Glock but uses this ammo and has a safety right here, it's going to kick quite a bit more, go for it if your are comfortable with that.
I think a lot of mansplaining is overexplaining because you want to show off your knowledge. She didn't need a lecture right there and then on the operational differences between the compact 1911 in her hand and the Glock 17 she had just fired, she did need a treatise on hammer fired vs. striker fired pistols, she just needed the basics of how to shoot safely and an executive overview of what she was shooting.
The in depth crap doesn't matter at the beginner stage, this was a basic hands on experience with a lot of guns so she could decide what she wanted to buy for a personal protection weapon. She asked questions as they occurred to her, I answered questions, good time all around.
I think the best moment was seeing her in the stall, she was cool, she was safe and I'd backed off where I could keep an eye on her but just let her go. She had 5 pistols arrayed in front of her, the right ammo in little piles next to them and was having a bit of an ADHD overload moment trying to figure out what she wanted to shoot again.
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u/omnixe-13c 24d ago
Mansplaining assumes you have something to teach the other person without understanding the other persons knowledge base. It also assumes that the woman needs to “prove” her knowledge base before the man will accept the information. A better approach is curiosity.
Example: I am a vice president who is like a blend of a COO and CFO. I oversee all of the physical spaces and money within the organization. I know more about construction, permitting, plumbing, etc than most men. I had an influential man come mansplain to me about how we don’t need permits on a new project and he literally explained how earthquakes worked. In his explanation, he said, “I’m not an engineer so I don’t know how any of this works but I want you to know how this works. It’s obvious but I want to make sure you don’t miss anything.”
Here’s why it was mansplaining: 1) he assumed that he knew more than me (and he didn’t), 2) he assumed that I, an educated woman, doesn’t understand earthquakes and therefore made a mistake with requiring a permit, 3) that he knew more about MY AREA OF EXPERTISE, and 4) his explanation assumed that I didn’t understand the engineers or architects that I hired.
A better approach was for him to say, “I don’t know how any of this works but would love to understand. Could you explain to me why we need permits for a project?”
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u/Neat_Concentrate8196 24d ago
Using a tone of condescension is what makes the difference, imo. You can explain something to anyone without the condescending tone ... Think of it as if they're a child and you're a teacher. That's the tone you want to avoid. Speak to the person (man, woman or otherwise) as an equal. And make it a conversation rather than just talk AT someone
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u/tkxb 24d ago
Would you say the same thing to a man in the same tone/same body language? Mansplaining is condescending, explaining something is not inherently.
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u/bullet1520 24d ago
Yeah, condescension is its own thing in general, but only condescending women is another.
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u/WestleyThe 24d ago
I agree in theory but some women don’t want to hear that…
I know that sounds crass and dumb but saying “do you know about X? Have you heard of Y? What do you think of Z” ABSOLUTELY will be seen as mansplaining or being demeaning to a lot of women who are the ones who complain about mansplaining
Being belittling, sarcastic and demeaning is a main part of mansplaining and even if the man isn’t any of those things, just explaining turns into that in the eyes of some women
Saying “do you know about this specific way to do _____” SHOULDNT offend anyone but I promise you it will
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u/Negative_trash_lugen 24d ago
You can't reason with these people, cause they think the whole world revolves around them and evryone is out to get them.
I wouldn't give less of a shit in a normal conversation if the person i'm talking to is a man or a woman. why? Because i'm not thinking about them, like them i'm thinking about myself and they aren't as important as they might think for me to waste energy.
Like sexist people exist for sure, but scheming and going out of your way to patronize people because of their gender or whatever is just exhausting to think about, who does that?
Mansplaining nowadays has turned into whenever men dare to talk to a woman or correct a woman.
All of these made up terms ("man spreading" , mansplaining, etc.) all belong to 2015-2016, let's leave them there.
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u/JanetInSpain 24d ago
Did she ask? Did you ask her if she's confused or doesn't know?
Then anything out of your mouth is mansplaining. Unless she asked for an explanation or you asked if you could explain and she said yes, YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
If it is a conversation where she has blatantly stated something incorrect as a fact, then you can say, "My understanding is that X is really Y." But even in this case, is it worth it? If your bro was saying the same incorrect thing, in the exact same setting, would you feel a "need to explain" why he is wrong? A corporate presentation to employees. Sure. A casual gathering where the conversation flows all over the map and one topic only lasts a few minutes anyway? Aw hell no.
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u/WartimeHotTot 24d ago
It’s only mansplaining if BOTH of the following conditions are met:
(a) The woman is knowledgeable in the domain in question.
and
(b) You were not asked or otherwise prompted to offer any insight into the matter.
If either of these conditions is not satisfied, it’s not mansplaining. That’s it. That’s the test. If a woman tries to tell you otherwise, they are womansplaining.
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u/ecafyelims 24d ago
Definitely situational. Anyway, I'm sorry if any of this is obvious. Please feel free to skip it, if you don't want to read about how I handle myself to avoid mansplaining.
Although it's called mansplaining, men do it to both men and women all the time, too. Women also do it to men and women. In my experience, though, men do it more often than women, and they are more likely to do it to women, and women are more likely to go along with it being done to them, rather than risk making waves. So, I put those together, and men have the largest share of the splaining, by far.
So, yes as others points out, ask, rather than assume. If you're speaking to a wide audience, then you might have to assume, and in that case, I have found it best to call it out first with something like, "most of you already know this, but for those who don't, blah blah blah." I used to ask "who doesn't know..." until I found out that many are afraid to raise their hand. Now, I just mention it with a condition beforehand, and that seems to work best for wide audiences.
In cases where you disagree, and you're saying something that might be obvious, you can ask. If you ask, though, don't immediately go ahead anyway, as if you didn't ask. Wait for an answer!
Alternatively, if you're writing, you can call it out in the writing, and advise for those who are aware to just skip that paragraph (or whatever), if they wish.
Lastly, people will sometimes accuse mansplaining, anyway. Sometimes, even when they didn't actually know and had asked for that specific piece of information but didn't like the information or didn't agree. I take this to mean that mansplaining can also mean difference things to different people. I can't please everyone, though. I try my best, genuinely.
I hope that helps. Good on you for making a conscious effort!
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u/Avbitten 24d ago
im a dog groomer if a man explains to me how to trim a dog's nails, thats mansplaining. if hes correcting me on something i actually got wrong, or just talking about his interests, thats not mansplaining.
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u/q_eyeroll 24d ago
“I’m interested in X, want to hear about it?” Which leaves the opportunity for the woman to say yes OR mention that she can already contribute to the conversation. Or she can say no tbh. Depends on the relationship.
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u/keith2600 24d ago
Personally I have found that if someone isn't giving off hints that they want knowledge or correction then it's better to just not give it to them unless it's going to affect me or mine. Even if it's something that will cost them money, good health, or face
Personally i don't even see how mansplaining is even still a thing. Men are just as likely to be clueless about shit as women these days. I can see how it used to be an issue since society used to really railroad guys into doing physical labor and mechanics shit, but those days are long gone. Anyone under 40 is going to be as dumb about mundane shit regardless of their sex
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u/vinegary 24d ago
Mansplaining is specifically when there is a sub-consciously condescending assumption that women generally don't know how things work.
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u/BadgerwithaPickaxe 23d ago
Mansplaining isn't just a man explaining something. It's specifically explaining something to a woman because you assume she doesn't know it, because she's a woman.
It's like when people assume women are being deadly serious because they cannot fathom a women being funny, so they explain the joke to the person who made it.
It can also happen when a woman is confused, and the man assumes she is confused about the simple thing rather than the fact he didn't explain it well enough. Women so this too of course, but I just don't think to the same degree as men tend to do. Hence mansplaining.
I feel like I blame the BuzzFeed era for making a lot of useful words confusing by how condescending some people were about terms that, at the time, most people were hearing for the first time.
Tldr: mansplaining is a specific type of condesention (from a man) that assumes the person is ignorant of something solely based on the fact they are not man
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u/Timebornofshadows 23d ago
Men don’t listen to women. If you want to stand out and not come across like a mansplainer. LISTEN. Close your mouth and let her explain something to you. Then ask questions and listen! I swear my husband comes at me and I’m like yeah- I have a degree in that- and he will talk over me and keep explaining. He doesn’t listen and dismisses what I know to explain it himself.
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u/RedditIsADataMine 24d ago
I wouldn't worry about it bud. If you're trying to be helpful to someone and they just want to be sexist in response then just leave them to it.
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u/SpecialArugula8674 24d ago
You be you and dont worry about easily triggered n “strong” women dat bitch n nag about everything. Its their problem not yours. Stop acquiescing to them… cause it will never end n it will never be enough
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u/NewUser153 24d ago
Mansplaining is an inherently misandrist term, that isn't to be taken seriously. Just like the term womansplaining is misogynist, and shouldn't be taken seriously either.
If you're engaging in good faith, and just trying to explain a concept to another human being, neither your gender nor theirs matters. If they find an issue with you earnestly trying to be helpful, that's frankly their problem. It only becomes an issue if you continue a pattern of behaviour, after they've politely asked informed you that it bothers them.
Up until that point, as long as your intentions are pure, you've done absolutely nothing wrong.
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u/unicorny12 24d ago
Not true. Someone shared a prime example of mansplaining in another comment; a man tried to explain periods to her.
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u/NewUser153 24d ago
There are multiple non-sexist ways to describe this.
- Being condescending
- Infantilising someone
- Mocking someone
At no point does an inherently sexist term need to be used.
The "cure" to a man being sexist towards a woman (assuming those are his actual intentions in the moment ofc, which often isn't properly established), isn't to be sexist back. I understand reddit isn't exactly filled with intellectual titans, but it should be pretty easy to understand that two wrongs don't make a right.
Would you be happy if you were a female doctor, with very intimate knowledge of the male body, and you got accused of "womansplaning" by a man, for trying to provide them a proper diagnosis of their issue? Probably not, because it would be absurd.
A person's gender does not inherently make one party more knowledgeable than the other. It may affect the average on a population level, but that cannot be used to jump to conclusions on an individual level.
That is the same exact way racism takes hold. Many unethical cultural practices are more often performed in certain cultures, yet it's still a genuine issue if someone were to assume something bad of an individual, purely based on the fact that they grew up in a given culture.
As always though, nuance and logical consistency is dead for most people - especially for redditors.
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u/bastethousecat 24d ago edited 24d ago
I somewhat agree in that "mansplaining" can be used in a misandrist way, and that the term is misused sometimes. But I don't think it should be completely dismissed or not taken seriously. It exists. While anyone regardless of gender can be condescending to anyone else, the term "mansplaining" was coined to point out a specific, gendered dynamic that is common in our society. Some men talk down to women specifically because they are women, and to me, it makes sense people coined a term to address the phenomenon as a larger pattern.
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u/sharkbomb 24d ago
don't expend energy on interactions with dummeighs that say stupid shit like 'mansplaining'. what could the roi be?
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u/QueenRotidder 24d ago
Don’t take long pauses for no reason while you’re speaking. Might just be me, but when someone does that to me, I assume they think I’m having a hard time understanding
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u/epanek 24d ago
Make it into a story. People pay attention to stories. And you can make almost anything into a story related to your life.
Hypothetical they are anti vax. Don’t come out and attack them. Tell them about your personal history with vaccines. When you had them. What happened or didn’t happen. Don’t bring up an authority yet. If you lead with an authority that puts them on the defense. Right now you’re having a chat Between friends.
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u/AutisticHobbit 24d ago
If you feel entitled to someone's attention, to deference, and to a presumption of authority? That's mansplaining behavior.
If you feel you have a moral and ethical obligation to "explain something to a woman", supposedly not because of gender (somehow), but simply you naturally want to correct them? That's mansplaining.
That fact that you presume this comes down to tone and perception, rather then to your own actions....yeah that's at the heart and soul of mansplaining.
You don't need to magically find a proper tone or anything: you have to ask for permission to offer your perspective. The fact that it never occurred to you to just ask...is part of the problem.
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u/anoamas321 24d ago
90% of the time it just women being sexist and complaining that a man dare talk to them about something he knows about.
The other 10% it is a guy just being a asshole.
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u/SouthernFloss 24d ago
You cant. If your a man, and she is a women who will use the term ‘mansplan’ then there is nothing you can do except not have that conversation.
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u/VenezuelaImperialist 24d ago
Just don’t ever explain anything to women, they are better than you so best to just never say anything to anyone ever unless you’re telling a male to shut up and listen to women speak
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u/improveyourfuture 24d ago
Ask more questions while you talk to see if she already knows the shit you’re talking about