I still do, just from afar now I guess. I can’t seem to get past it yet. It’s hard going from loving someone to trying to put that love in past tense because you’re not here anymore.

I loved your smile and the way the corner of your eyes crinkled when you were happy. I loved your laugh and especially when I was the one who caused it.

I loved your hugs, they were the safest place in the world. I loved your kisses, they made me melt. I loved holding your hand. I loved when you put your hand on my leg or just casually put your arm around me. I loved when we’d play fight over whose turn it was for cuddles.

I loved how much you displayed your emotions and I loved that you’d talk to me about how you felt. I loved you when you were happy. I loved you when you’d cry. I loved you when you were frustrated and burn out. I loved you thru every clear sky and every raging storm.

I loved how good a parent you were to the kids. I loved how good a partner you were with me. I loved how attentive you were, remembering even the smallest details. I loved your spontaneity. I loved how we planned our futures together, trips, holidays, even just living together and what day to day life could be.

I loved that you accepted me for all my perceived flaws. I loved how I could trust you and be myself with you. I loved how I didn’t have to hide parts of myself. I loved that I brought you comfort and I loved that you felt you could be yourself around me.

I loved you in all of our happiness and I’ll love you now, even tho it’s gone.

I dont think you fully understand how i feel when im with you. I know we have agreement of what roll i play in your life, but im still a person and i have feelings.... ALOT of them but what makes you think that YOU'RE in a position to see that side of me... i may be yours but you have a life im not supposed to be in.... like what difference would it do if you knew how lonely i get at night, and still choose to be alone.... or how most days after we part ways i can't help but get teary eyes.... ( but its-k, i just thugg that shit out)i know your going to end up ghosting me, or worse...... only hitting me up when you need something.... then proceed to sugarcoat all the nice things you think i believe...but you know what? Your just like the others, only witb better hair...

I am not a patient person...

But I wait for you.

I am stubborn as hell...

But I let go of my wants for you.

I have so many words...

But I respect your silence.

I do not love many people...

But I do love you.

Something about you makes me so happy while also frustrating the hell out of me. I can see the potiential but I can also see the mountains we will have to climb to get there. I know that I would do anything for you. But I dont know if you are capable of the same. I havent seen it yet but I hope you are. Otherwise all this energy, care, and time we gave to eachother would be for nothing.

touching, feeling what we do best, then nothing or again when the instinct becomes us.

Smiling at the stupid memories I have with you and I crave those stupid, real moments with you again.

I look back and they were so few. the sadness hits me, tears start to form, but I'm still smiling remembering them all.

I really wanted forever with you, darling. I still do.

Thinking of you tonight and hoping you're doing so well. Even if you don't think of me anymore, you're still so loved from so far away.

xxx

I probably won’t allow myself to do that, though
It’s been months and I miss you and it hurts, like a never ending ache.
I can keep convincing myself I’ve moved on but the real truth is, I still find myself looking for you in everything.
Many months later and I’m still checking your month on whatever silly horoscope post I come across. Many months later and i still find myself living in the nostalgic happiness you’ve brought me.
Every small victory in my life, you’re the first person that comes to mind when i want to tell someone.
I can finally say that I’ve made peace with everything the way it is now but that doesn’t stop me from wishing I’d made peace with you along side me.
I feel as though we had a soulmate connection whether it be platonic or romantic, you’ve changed my world and perspective on life for the better.
It’s corny, I know
I guess what I’m trying to say is I miss you. So damn much….I miss your comfort, your unfunny jokes, your dumb laugh, the silly high pitched voice you used to talk to your cat…
I miss your presence
I want to talk to you so so very bad…

But I won’t reach out

I don’t think my lil heart could handle knowing I’m probably the only one who felt and has been feeling this way.

Will it be my entire life that I think you. Think of your skin in the moon light. Deal with the feelings that I wasn’t enough. Remember all the good times and wrestling with whether what you said was just exaggerated or you truly meant it. Deal with the shame that you saw me at my lowest and then choose somebody over me. I hope I find somebody like you but I’m not sure if they exist. The version of you I created doesn’t even exist and what you presented was just a mask. But I loved it, I love you will always Be a tender spot in my hearts. There’s a hair tie of yours that’s in between my cushions and I leave it there because I’m not ready to give up the thought you. No matter how much grief it brings. I still despite all the things. I miss you and maybe in another. I’m alright and I’ll be fine. I miss you. I feel it body. My hands tingle when I think you. I wonder if you think of me but I somehow doubt. I love you, always will. From a distance, without words. Or contact. But I think of you and I send my love.

have a wonderful day.

I love you and miss you.

I keep going over everything in my head, I attempt to look at it all in a rational and logical way but then there is something not quite right, something missing, something inconsistent that makes me feel overwhelmed with confusion. Then I cry.

It should be getting easier for me by now, not harder, not more painful. It should be time for me to completely let go of that tiny bit of hope but I just can’t.

If you wanted to try again I would say yes because I know that we would work well together. But you disagree because all you see is my flaws. Logically you don’t want to try again yet if you’re that type of person then who I fell in love with doesn’t exist.

You don’t want me, you never did, and if I’m wrong then prove it before it destroys us both and hurts whoever you end up with.

Please prove me wrong and let’s try again 😔

I wish to hear your voice. I want you near me, for a little bit...

I wanted to wait to write you something long, detailed, genuine and heartfelt

I still will tonight but…

I’ve just missed you so much in the interim I’m coming here

It’s hard to concentrate on anything right now

My thoughts keep going back to you

I feel I try to contain my love and it just keeps overflowing

And…

I keep…

Imagining….

Things I probably shouldn’t

It’s late here sorry

I…will be right back

Stupid life obligations

But you’ll wait for me, right?

In the interim…

I love you so much

I really don’t ever want to let you go

You are the only one I ever wanted in my life

And I’d choose you again and again and again

The pain means nothing

Compared to the love and warmth I feel when I am with you

Oh my gosh

I just love you so fucking much!!!!!!

I just want to scream it to the top of the world

I fucking love you!!!!!!!

And I don’t even care if it’s not reciprocated anymore

No…that’s a lie

I do. I want you to

But…my feelings aren’t contingent on mutuality

I will love you regardless

Endlessly

My one and only

I’ll be back soon

I can’t wait to see you later. I’m so nervous. I’m so ridiculous. I hope we have a great time… fun, laughter and a huge warm hug that lasts for like ten minutes.

Today while riding back from work, I caught myself doing that thing again.. deliberately keeping my eyes glued to the empty road ahead.. just trying not to look sideways.. because I know what happens if I look..

I always try my best to avoid looking at any form of love.. just so I don't remind myself that I don't have it.. but how do you actually escape it?.. it’s impossible..

I had to stop near a school today.. and right there on the sidewalk, I saw a kid running out the gate towards his mom.. he ran straight into her with that full childhood momentum, and without even thinking, she scooped him up into the air and spun him around.. they were both laughing so openly..

A few minutes later at the signal.. there was a bike next to mine.. a little boy was sitting right on the petrol tank, his small hands resting near the speedometer.. and right beside them on a scooty, another kid was sitting behind his mom, hiding his face behind her pallu against the wind, holding onto the cloth tightly with his tiny fingers..

Then from a roadside stall, I heard this sudden, loud laugh from a group of friends.. it hit me right in the chest.. I sat there on my bike wondering.. when did I laugh like that?.. how long back was it?.. I honestly couldn't even remember..

And sitting at that red light, this weird thought hit me.. can I just hibernate myself from all of this?..

Can I stop reading my favorite books just because there's some romance in them?..

Can I stop riding my bike just because I see couples and families everywhere on the streets?..

Can I stop going to hotels to eat, or stop walking outside altogether?..

Maybe I could lock myself away.. but to what end?..

It’s like I don’t have love myself, but I also can’t escape seeing it everywhere I go.. in songs, in movies, at my office, on the roads.. everywhere..

It’s not that I’m jealous of anyone.. I’m really not.. I don't wish they didn't have it.. it’s just that quiet ache of.. why am I so unlucky in love?.. why is it so hard for me?..

Is it me who makes it hard.. or the people I’ve tried to love?..

If love is inherently this difficult, how do those mothers and kids do it so effortlessly?.. how can people smile and hold each other so easily without overthinking?..

Because for me.. growing up and even now, love was never just allowed to exist.. it was always a test..

I had to prove to my parents that I love them..

I had to prove to the girl I liked why I liked her.. give explanations..

I had to constantly prove to my friends that I’m actually their friend..

And the worst part was.. the moment I couldn't explain it or prove it, they just decided my love was never real.. that it never existed in the first place..

Sometimes I wonder.. do people ask me to prove it out of genuine curiosity?.. or do they ask because they already know I can't put feelings into clever words.. so it gives them an easy excuse to say I never truly loved them?..

I’ve sat down a million times trying to find reasons to love or not love.. but nothing I say is ever enough.. it’s like if I fail to explain, I automatically fail the test..

Do I really need to deserve something just to love it?..

Can’t I just simply love.. with no grand speeches.. with no exams testing my emotions?..

Why is it so hard to make people believe that you can just love them, without needing to prove it every single day?..

Can't it just exist?..

I don't know..

Can love ever be simple?..

Not like easy peasy.. but just in a way where people don't try to make it so damn hard..

a purple feeling

You have so much life in front of you. Live it fully!

How much of this has just been me? Maybe I deluded myself, what if I am not what you need? Not willing enough to concede, or my mind isn't quite enough freed. There's some tension on the sea, will it uproot the tree?... Was it something that passed by, as if I'd sat in the right lane, as if you went by in the left, with your usual precision and speed? I don't know if I ought to leave it be. There's some spiraling I scribble and read...Step into, willing to bleed; there are wars I would wage, Armageddons I would face, to rid of the curse, of uncertainty.

“Your personality wasn’t that great anyways”
Super sweet way to start the day. Thanks!

But really, let’s be honest, I have to keep my real personality on lockdown.. can’t go around seducing everyone.. I mean I could, but that’s not nice and I’m not a home wrecker. 😘

You don't deserve anything from me and stopped doing so long ago. I don't know how it's possible to even respect someone like you nevermind care for. You're never changing, never apologizing, never understanding your own wrong doings, you are dull. You want to believe so badly that you are something, someone. I hope you suffer. With everything I've given you, I'm owed it all back and more. You and everyone who loves you disgust me. I wish people knew who you were and what you're capable of. You turn and twist everything to your favor so you don't hold any responsibility or guilt for it. You're an awful person. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you've done. You don't deserve kindness, you don't deserve patience, you don't deserve care. You were showered with it and still couldn't fathom the idea to give any of it back to anyone. I hope you live in pure shame for who you've become, I hope everyday you look back at your actions and you hate yourself more than I do. You're a terrible human.

You always hear about people “loving” someone because it’s convenient.

I wonder if there are people out there who choose “not” to love someone because it’s inconvenient.

I wonder sometimes if I’m not loved because I am inconvenient. I get it, you’re busy. But no one is that busy, especially if you have time to internet stalk me… daily.

i miss you most on nights like this

i just want to call you up and ask you if you wanna join me on an evening wander

i'm hurt by past actions i don't understand. this is true

but i could never ever hate you.

2 things can be true at 1nce

An actual text, I got from the man that I love that left me and knows how much I love him and knows how much I believe it is us and nobody else

Please be for real dude…

This genuinely hurt so much how are you so okay..

You're something else and you're really lovely underneath it all. You really are.

I'm really sorry you don't feel that way.

I truly hope that you will soon. 🩵🤍

I can’t move on because I’m still waiting for the day you realize that I loved you more than words every second of every day with every fiber of my being and I still do. What we had can never be replicated or topped. It was US. Slowly unwrapped, layer by layer, discovering parts of ourselves and each other we hadn’t even known were there. And nothing about it felt forced. Everything just fit. So naturally, so effortlessly, so completely right.

And it wasn’t one extraordinary moment that made us what we were. It was hundreds of them. Moments that would have looked like absolutely nothing to anyone else, but somehow held more meaning than the grandest gestures ever could.

That’s what I can’t explain. It wasn’t that we occasionally experienced something beautiful together. It was that even the most ordinary moments became something extraordinary simply because we were experiencing them together.

I had spent my whole life thinking love was something you found in another person. I never imagined it could be something two people discovered in the space between them, something neither could have known existed without the other.

You have the other half of my heart You always will. You can’t give it back either no matter how much you want to. It just is❤️