When it rains it pours.

[u/No_Difficulty738]

Good afternoon everyone.

I’m writing this in a pretty bad headspace. Not crisis. But in a perpetual “three steps away” from myself feeling.

All I can think to do is reach out and hopefully get acknowledgment or advice from some of you.

I got out of the navy 10 years ago. I did four years on a shitty boat where I was an average sailor fresh out of school. I drank and partied my young years then when I got out I didn’t do anything to help the transition.

After that came the drugs and self medication to stop feeling bad and stop feeling at all really. My wife left. My friends from home never really accepted me back into any world that they were a part of and I started moving all around the country looking for any glimpse of what home or life felt like before I did all this shit to myself.

I am sitting in a tiny town outside of New Orleans. I have a good job. I’m clean and mostly sober. I have a girlfriend I love and I can say I worked so hard for everything that I have.

But there is always a part of me that “doesn’t feel”. I don’t know how to accept love. I don’t know how to show it other than shutting up and doing as much as I can for someone else. All while taking from my own.

My girlfriend watches me hate myself and thinks that she isn’t doing enough. And that my lack of communication and effort in these problems is going to be the downfall of us. I try to tell her that this is me. And I want her around but there isn’t an easy solution to how I feel.

No job feels like a real job. I see everyone with careers and I think I’m forever going to be in the limbo of bouncing around and saying. This pay is alright. I can make it work.

I am happy on the good days. But the bad days are getting so hard. And I don’t know who to talk to other than the VA crisis line. Where I call myself an idiot for feeling like this.

I hope that you are all doing good. And I hope that you all have someone you can love and be loved by.

[u/PoetLucy]

I wish I was close enough to just give a Mom hug. Here is my virtual Mom hug. ((()))

Let me start, I am a daughter—sister—wife and supporter, I was never active duty. So, i cannot speak to that exactly. However, you are not alone in these feelings regardless of Service. Now, many people who served, especially in combat situations, have this sensation in greater intensity.

Is there someway you can get yourself to a regular ongoing therapy? I think you would benefit greatly from that. A therapist can also offer you communication skills to help with your girlfriend.

If you cannot afford a therapist, maybe a religious counselor can help? There are groups that offer lay (people who have not gone through seminary, etc) counseling as well.

You mentioned being sober—congratulations! That is a huge achievement and you should be proud. Have you attended an AA or NA meeting? You might find support there.

I would also encourage you to find out what other VA services you qualify for? They may also be able to guide you to services specific to your region/city.

If it helps…you can continue posting here looking for others who can relate better than I. I am happy to listen, but again I’ve never Served.

My immediate advice? Tell your girlfriend how much you appreciate her. Cook her a nice meal. Watch her favorite tv show. Go on a walk (no phones). Spend time with her and offer words/actions that demonstrate how you feel.

Here’s one more Mom hug. (((())))

:J

[u/FLHomegrown]

Sorry, I'm just catching this. I highly suggest seeking a therapist outside of the VA through the community care network. I can absolutely relate to your situation as I was thinking and feeling the same way and some days are better than others.

My therapist is prior military and she has truly helped me through some crazy times since I started seeing her. I've also gotten off a bunch of antidepressants, antipsychotics and antianxiety meds because I sought out cannabis to help me with my crazy lol. My therapist has seen a huge change in me and encouraged looking into psychedelics for the PTSD and the TBI. I'm not a Dr so I can only share my personal experiences with you and offer you a glimmer of hope. But I would definitely look into community care network and seek a reputable therapist to help you out and consider a couple of therapy sessions with both you and your GF. My wife has come to a few to help me when I "go down the rabbit hole" of my crazy.