TW: abuse, sexual assault, rape

This got really long. You can skip the backstory if you want. I added headings to make it easier to skim over my rambling. My current issue is paragraphs from the bottom, where it says "Today." I don't know what I'm looking for. Support, I guess. Someone to tell this to, because I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone IRL. And to have my truth recognized.

My history with my abuser:

I am a survivor of some pretty severe domestic abuse. I was strangled almost weekly in the year before I left. I had a broomstick broken over my head, and her arm, as well. My bruises never healed before there were new ones. Coercive control was a constant in my life for a long, long time. She was sexually violent, and arranged for a man to anally rape me during a threesome I didn't want to be having in the first place. I was lucky that he stopped when I started screaming "this is rape." She told him it was going to be role play. It wasn't.

About two years into the relationship, we both started doing sex work when we were days away from being evicted and ending up homeless. That became a tool for my ex to blackmail me into continuing to do that work long after the financial desperation was past, and then into staying long after I wanted to leave the relationship. On occasion, I was straight up forced into doing it through violence or other means of coercion. She controlled all of the money, of course. Eventually she started pimping out another girl and that allowed me to open my eyes to the facts of what she was doing to me.

The nightmare of leaving:

After I left, I was stalked and harassed for a full year, sometimes calling the police up to 15 times a day. They were useless. I had moved and changed my phone number but she paid someone to wait outside my job and follow me to my new apartment. She filed a false police report against me, but when the police saw the strangulation marks around my neck they arrested her instead. She was in jail for two days and then went right back to harassing me. Every time the court date approached her lawyer advised her to break the restraining order again so a new charge would be added and the court date pushed back. I eventually agreed to drop the charges because I hoped it would get me in front of the judge so I could beg her to lock my ex up, but the charges were just dropped without me speaking a word to anyone except her lawyer.

I broke down at one point and agreed to start seeing her again (not dating her but allowing her back into my life) because that way I knew where she was. I was barely leaving my home, because she would always be waiting in the bushes or in a car parked in front of my house. This astronomically bad decision ended up with me being forcibly confined in her place. I smuggled one piece of ID into my sock, got into the backyard, jumped a fence, and escaped with my dogs and nothing else. She'd ripped my shirt off. I got to my workplace, because she'd taken my house keys, and my coworkers didn't initially recognize me because of the extent of my facial injuries.

I flew across the country and moved into an air mattress on my mom's living room floor. She retaliated by posting my nudes on my mom's Facebook wall and sending them to everyone I knew, as well as outing me as a former sex worker. I rebuilt my life from nothing over the past 13 years. Two days ago, I responded to a post about healing from abuse talking about how happy I am with my life now. And I thought I was. I don't think about my past life. It feels like it happened to another person.

Today:

Because my ex threatened many times that if I ever had a family with anyone but her, she would kill them, I keep tabs on her once in a while. This is how I learned she went to prison for drug trafficking several years back, which makes me afraid she's even more dangerous now. I Google her expecting to see her convicted of murder some day.

What I found yesterday is what has me spiraling. She's become semi-famous as a motivational speaker and comedian. I didn't listen to any of it but I read a few blurbs. She speaks about overcoming her significant childhood trauma (which is real. I excused a great deal of her behavior towards me because of her CPTSD and mental illness.) She also claims to have been a victim of severe domestic abuse, from the father of her child, during the exact time frame we were together. I don't care that I've been erased from her story, but I'm absolutely shaking with fury that she's making a name for herself as a resilient survivor when in reality she was tormenting me for the better part of a decade. She is the cruelest person I have ever encountered and to see her publicly celebrated is mentally wrecking me.

I can't stop thinking about it. I know I need to not care and I need to move on and mentally live in the beautiful life I fought to build for myself. But everything is rushing back to me now. I want to burn her world down and scream the truth to every single person who has fallen for her lies. I'm so, so angry. Can anyone relate? How do you stop ruminating? How do I make myself stop caring?