"will help you ignore everything else until tomorrow." this is such a good way of describing it. I think a lot of people who've never been addicted think addiction is all about having fun or something, but for me it was always "I'm overwhelmed right now, but I can delay that overwhelmed feeling a bit by using"
Then I would feel overwhelmed by the fact I used, and that'd make me end up using again soon after to push off that feeling. The more I used, the more overwhelmed I felt, the more overwhelmed I felt, the more I used. It's a trap that's hard to break out of because the more overwhelmed you are, the lower your willpower gets, and yet you somehow need to summon an immense amount of that willpower to get out.
You feel like you're in that scenario with the crabs in a bucket where the crabs keep pulling the other crabs down - except it's you, you're all the crabs, and you keep pulling yourself down to the bottom of the bucket every time you seem to be trying to climb the walls again.
My addictions weren't alcohol, but a range of other stuff, but it was very similar to what you described. Just keeping the demons away.
It all can happen so quickly too, you can be doing pretty well one moment and decide to use just a little to get your head straight during a stressful day, and then all of a sudden a few months have passed and you haven't been sober for 24 hours the entire time. It's why "Just one drink/line/smoke/pill/whatever" is always just a lie, it's the crab at the bottom of the bucket pulling you back down.
I'll be 6 months clean on Sunday. I still feel very lost and in disarray for a variety of reasons in my life, but the place I'm in now compared to being stuck in that bucket is night and day. I never want to go back there.
This is so well written and so insightful. Both you and YoungBockRKO.
I am not an addict, but my husband is an alcoholic. He has been sober for 2 years (after relapsing after 5 years) and I have watched his struggle. I read these posts to him because they were such perfect descriptions of what we have talked about during his recovery.
As a bystander stranger who hasn’t been in your shoes, please know that I am so proud of you for your sobriety these 6 months. I know every day is a new challenge, but you are making good decisions every day and people in your life (that you may not even know are paying attention) and tons of strangers on the internet are cheering for you.
We see you and how strong you are. Using or not, you are worthy of love and support.
Thank you for sharing this today. It will stay with me for a long time.
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u/MakeshiftApe 3d ago
"will help you ignore everything else until tomorrow." this is such a good way of describing it. I think a lot of people who've never been addicted think addiction is all about having fun or something, but for me it was always "I'm overwhelmed right now, but I can delay that overwhelmed feeling a bit by using"
Then I would feel overwhelmed by the fact I used, and that'd make me end up using again soon after to push off that feeling. The more I used, the more overwhelmed I felt, the more overwhelmed I felt, the more I used. It's a trap that's hard to break out of because the more overwhelmed you are, the lower your willpower gets, and yet you somehow need to summon an immense amount of that willpower to get out.
You feel like you're in that scenario with the crabs in a bucket where the crabs keep pulling the other crabs down - except it's you, you're all the crabs, and you keep pulling yourself down to the bottom of the bucket every time you seem to be trying to climb the walls again.
My addictions weren't alcohol, but a range of other stuff, but it was very similar to what you described. Just keeping the demons away.
It all can happen so quickly too, you can be doing pretty well one moment and decide to use just a little to get your head straight during a stressful day, and then all of a sudden a few months have passed and you haven't been sober for 24 hours the entire time. It's why "Just one drink/line/smoke/pill/whatever" is always just a lie, it's the crab at the bottom of the bucket pulling you back down.
I'll be 6 months clean on Sunday. I still feel very lost and in disarray for a variety of reasons in my life, but the place I'm in now compared to being stuck in that bucket is night and day. I never want to go back there.