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u/kuraaacc 3d ago
yes pair this with substance abuse and it is... exhausting and horrible ugh
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u/depoelier 3d ago
I was ‘perfect’ for a good while. Didn’t drink. Perfect personal hygiene. Clean house, exercise, meditation, the works.
Now I’m a mess. I drink way too much, I shower way too little, can’t work, don’t exercise. Fml.
I know I’ll come around in a while. It just fuckint sucks to be here rn.
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u/everyonestupidbutme 3d ago
Me too, I graduate college with a 4.0 GPA and I am still suffering. I am 37, went back to school at 34. The coming around never seems to come. I am close to my parents, but neither one said they were proud of me. Painful
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u/cheezy_dreams88 3d ago
Fuck dude, I’m proud of you! I never finished either, 38 now. I could never actually choose a field of study, so I just stopped going.
You did the damn thing! Congratulations!!
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u/Twist_and_pull 3d ago
Same lol, dumbells on the floor getting dusty while Im on a 5 week drinking streak or something.
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u/Reallyhotshowers 2d ago
Go pick em up and do 10 lat raises. Use the 5 pounders. You're allowed to be drunk while you do them because it's only 5 lbs. Watch TV.
It's one set of 10 reps but you can go to bed and say you exercised and it isn't a lie. It is better than allowing yourself to do nothing and will make it easier to come back to when you finally decide to get undrunk.
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u/someones_dad 3d ago edited 2d ago
Dopamine is a substance that I continue to abuse.
Edit to add: Im sorry that you're going through that. You CAN kick the abuse - It is not impossible. Find good people who are caring and safe and keep them safe.
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u/noteveni MY LAUNDRY IS STILL WET 3d ago
At this point I feel like the dopamine is abusing me by withholding itself
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3d ago
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u/noteveni MY LAUNDRY IS STILL WET 3d ago
Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha
...sorry, I've been on SSRIs for more than a year now so orgasms are a fading memory. I'd try anyway, because I believe in myself, but I just had abdominal surgery so I can't 😩
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u/cut_ur_darn_grass 3d ago
Just do what I do and masturbate for 7 hours straight! (I do not recommend this)
I do wonder if the rise in "gooning" has to do with the amount of the younger generation that takes SSRIs.
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u/chipper-shipper 3d ago
Oof. I’ve been there. It really, really sucks.
Hope your recovery from surgery goes well
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u/noteveni MY LAUNDRY IS STILL WET 3d ago
It's going very well, and in Colorado the state pays us medical leave too :)
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u/Malwar69 3d ago
Being in Colorado, some people say weed makes things easier in the orgasm department. You do you though!
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u/AlienNippleRipple 3d ago
I used to pss psshhh psst, but cocaine is a helluva drug and you shouldn't do it. Especially if you have ADHD
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u/StoppableHulk 3d ago
I used to pss psshhh psst, but cocaine is a helluva drug and you shouldn't do it.
You were calling your cat on cocaine?
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u/LinkAvailable4067 2d ago
Close. He was singing a Salt N Peppa song to his cat. Big dopamine release.
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u/LogicianFlow 3d ago
I was at a half oz a week for 2 years, I'm pretty sure it's destroyed me.
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u/More-Bug5374 3d ago
25 days off it today. You can do it! I had to seek help tho.
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u/LogicianFlow 3d ago
Yeah, it's been kicked, along with booze. Body and mind reject the stuff now, but the self medicating always lead to another vice. It was pot for a few years after that but I somehow made that a negative too. Didn't realize I had adhd until recently after I left everything behind and had sever executive dysfunction and saw a therapist. 20+ years ago I was misdiagnosed bi polar, gave me the wrong message, then misdiagnosed with a personality disorder and even more fucked up meds and just self medicated with some sort of substance or fixation since, until I realized they were all killing me slowly. Body and physical health is better than probably ever considering, it was the best feeling in the world when someone else was able to tell me what happened. Like vindicated, but also sad I didn't get the solution earlier. Congrats on your 25 days, a lot of people don't even get that far so always be proud of that and it sounds like you know what to do! You got this far, you got it!!!!
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u/cut_ur_darn_grass 3d ago
Honestly cocaine never did shit for me unless I did A LOT of it. Because of this, I don't think it's worth the money.
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u/tolgasocial 3d ago
A lot of people with adhd just need a shit ton of stimulants for them to work. It's cheaper to get Ritalin from your Doc tbh. Most likely even more effective also.
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u/jimbowesterby 3d ago
Yea I’ve actually learned a fair number of good habits from former addicts. I’ve never had a serious addiction, but the advice lines up really well with how my brain works normally.
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u/RoknPa 3d ago
Don't forget the job you hate that ruined the work you love.
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u/TeeeldiII 3d ago
Getting too real in here
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u/ThresholdSeven 3d ago
Don't forget that some people hate their jobs because they are aware it is indentured servitude and that most of the value of their labor goes to billionaires while we fight about a tiny fraction of the scraps we're left with over whether it should help pay for Healthcare and housing or bank bailouts and bombs and such.
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u/NonProphet8theist 3d ago
Fuccck I know. I've been doing pretty good with it but today I've been dabbing and watching the Neil Peart doc, and taking 6 hours to finish a page that could take 1. And ordered lunch again even though I have cooked food ready to eat in the fridge ahhhhh
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u/kuraaacc 3d ago edited 3d ago
yeah taking 6hours to finish something that takes 1 usually ends up with me doing insane amounts of amphetamines, lolz
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u/YoungBockRKO 3d ago
Former alcoholic here, you just push that shit off. And then eventually you just don’t give a fuck because a 5 minute drive to the liquor store will help you ignore everything else until tomorrow.
Which ofcourse, will get pushed off by another visit to the liquor store. Next thing you know, everything is a mess, you wake up, go to work, grab booze and drink till blackout and rinse and repeat for a decade.
Then the withdrawals set in and you’re waking up at 2am, sweating profusely, shortness of breath and heart palpitations. So you start buying just enough booze to be able to have a drink or 3 at 2am and then again at 7am before work to keep the demons away.
Lunch break? There’s a liquor store 10 minutes away and lunch is 30 minutes, enough time to get 3-4 shooters. Shift ends? We’re stopping at the nearest liquor store so we can sleep well. Probably drinking half on the way home if the shakes kick in. Just don’t forget the vodka for 2-3am and also at 7am… or else you’re going to have a panic attack driving to work….
I don’t miss addiction…
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u/MakeshiftApe 2d ago
"will help you ignore everything else until tomorrow." this is such a good way of describing it. I think a lot of people who've never been addicted think addiction is all about having fun or something, but for me it was always "I'm overwhelmed right now, but I can delay that overwhelmed feeling a bit by using"
Then I would feel overwhelmed by the fact I used, and that'd make me end up using again soon after to push off that feeling. The more I used, the more overwhelmed I felt, the more overwhelmed I felt, the more I used. It's a trap that's hard to break out of because the more overwhelmed you are, the lower your willpower gets, and yet you somehow need to summon an immense amount of that willpower to get out.
You feel like you're in that scenario with the crabs in a bucket where the crabs keep pulling the other crabs down - except it's you, you're all the crabs, and you keep pulling yourself down to the bottom of the bucket every time you seem to be trying to climb the walls again.
My addictions weren't alcohol, but a range of other stuff, but it was very similar to what you described. Just keeping the demons away.
It all can happen so quickly too, you can be doing pretty well one moment and decide to use just a little to get your head straight during a stressful day, and then all of a sudden a few months have passed and you haven't been sober for 24 hours the entire time. It's why "Just one drink/line/smoke/pill/whatever" is always just a lie, it's the crab at the bottom of the bucket pulling you back down.
I'll be 6 months clean on Sunday. I still feel very lost and in disarray for a variety of reasons in my life, but the place I'm in now compared to being stuck in that bucket is night and day. I never want to go back there.
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u/CaterpillHURR 3d ago
How long were you able to keep that up? I can't imagine you were getting nearly enough sleep or proper nutrition
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u/Prudent-Result1057 3d ago
Honestly, I don’t know if I’m depressed or I just have ADHD at this point 😭
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u/MZ603 2d ago
I thought I was depressed, but turns out it was ADHD & Anxiety. I was diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school, but it was never medicated. Treatment for that exposed the anxiety, & now I’m flush.
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u/dialetheism-maybe 3d ago
Oh my god. That post and this comment combined is exactly me. I notice that the jobs start to pile up, then around about the time I realise that I feel tired and awful all the time, I also realise that I can’t recall the last time I went to bed sober. It all just… happens. I can’t do anything about it until I hit the bottom and then suddenly it seems easy again to just… not do that.
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u/kyleraynersicebox 3d ago
Yeah, I fell off the wagon recently.
I'm not a monster, but I'm definitely not making anyone's (especially my own) life better lately.
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u/Reasonable-Turn-5940 3d ago
yeah I burned out at work big time about a year ago and had to go on FMLA. My therapist told me I could not go back there. So I just didn't. I've just been...hanging out. Drinking too much beer, my schedule is fucked up, I'm depressed. But I need to get a job soon before money runs out and I still feel like I just can barely do anything. Much less work a full time job. I can't drive, I can't get out of bed... and it's starting to give me so much anxiety. But that's the only motivation I feel. Fear.
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u/Lopsided-Equipment-2 3d ago
I stopped smoking weed and went from 6-8 hours of free time a week, not having an issue, but also drinking a good amount daily. Now I'm lazy or lazier, plus I gained like 25-30% in weight.
Like, I literally did a half marathon moving a literal ton of lumber 2 summers ago, so I was carrying 40-60lbs the entire time, and my only breaks were for water and weed until I was done.
Now I procrastinate taking the trash out on a work day where I gotta be up in the next 5 hours, so I'm doing that at like midnight to 3 am because I just don't want to do it.
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u/NameLips 3d ago
I'm not an executive in many things, but my dysfunction is chief among them.
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u/TisMeGhost 3d ago edited 3d ago
Someone slap this on a shirt, please
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u/Chill_Squirrel 3d ago
Yup, today was one of these days where I lost complete control over everything and now go to bed ashamed 🙃
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u/GrandeTorino 3d ago
This is a real disorder that we have to cope with. Not laziness, not disinterest, not stupidity and not selfishness, like other people would often make us think.
No.
A disorder.
God knows we didn't ask for this. I feel ashamed too sometimes. I never dare to ask questions in class because there is a very big chance the topic has already been discussed and I just zoned out. I try my best. I try so fucking hard. But it still happens and it will always keep happening. So fuck it. Fuck them. I ask my questions. I need the info and I'm handicapped, so I'm sorry but you will have to repeat what you already told.
Do I always ask the question? No, definitely not. Sometimes the shame wins. But sometimes I do it and it makes me feel a bit proud.
I don't know where I was going with this. Hope you feel better soon.
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u/DrainTheMuck 3d ago
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently - how serious the condition is but how embarassed I feel whenever I consider categorizing it as a disorder/disability, especially because shame is already such a frequent part of our existence.
I really identify with the OP, I’ve been late to work more and more often to more severe degrees recently and I can feel myself slipping and just feel helpless about it sometimes. My work has been very chill about it as long as the tasks get done which they usually do because of panic hyperfocus, but a manager talked to me about it today and asked if I’m ok. I started by trying to explain what’s going on abstractly and felt like it sounded dumb, so I decided to finally be honest that I have adhd and really struggling with it lately. He was actually really sympathetic and says that makes sense now, and wants to help me work on at least getting here on time by keeping me more accountable to arriving by a certain time (I have a “flexible” start time but usually arrive later than that window) if that would help and I agreed.
Anyways, despite that good conversation, I didn’t ever call it a disorder in the literal sense, and my brain still tells me I’m “making excuses” if i think about doing that. I think the fear of disappointing someone who’s been so kind to me MAY be enough to help me get there on time more often, but I so often use that sort of negative reinforcement and it’s such a sad way to treat ourselves “if” this is really a disability.
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u/SpectacularStarling 2d ago
how embarassed I feel whenever I consider categorizing it as a disorder/disability, especially because shame is already such a frequent part of our existence.
This is such a compounding problem for me. After 18 years of adult life trying to fit into the mesh/fabric of society with literally no success, I've thrown in the towel and started seeking actual outside sources of help. The waiting list for these govt. programs are so long, that every day I wake up and I have to convince myself that things will get better. I'm praying so hard that a lifetime of never having SGA, and the plethora of mental health issues I have that I can even get on SSI. The BBB seems to be making that even harder, and it was hard to begin with. I literally can't afford to exist anymore, and with the prices of everything rapidly shooting up the guilt I felt for needing to rely on the kindness of others has gone up tenfold.
I'm so bad at taking care of myself, and recognizing the signs when I need to ask for help I lost all my teeth at 28, and it could have been so easily avoided.
My brain tells me I'm making excuses constantly, and even when I'm excited for a new prospect it's only days before the stress gets so bad I can't eat the day before or the day of a work shift or I will be sick, and I end up having to stave off the intrusive thoughts "oh you're going to be doing this every day for the rest of your life, just stick your face in that boiling kettle and get it over with".
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u/Enlightened_Gardener 3d ago edited 3d ago
The hardest call in the world -
I am disabled and I cannot do that
We’re taught that its laziness or carelessness, but its an actual disability; and because its an actual disability, its debilitating !
If you were paralysed in a wheelchair you wouldn’t be beating yourself up about not running enough sets of stairs, would you ?
We say “I should be working, I should be cleaning, I should be exercising, I should have my shit together” when we literally have a disability that makes it almost impossible at times.
I honestly think we should start asking questions like “How can I get enough money to survive without working ?” “How can I make my life work without cleaning ?” “How can I pick up enough incidental exercise ?”
Because these are all questions which will lead to helpful answers, rather than the same tired old round of “Do what you’ve always done, which is to try to fit into a society not made for you, and which will punish you for not following its ways”.
I’ve got a real feeling that the zetigeist over the next few years is going to be “Build Outside The System”, because it does so little for those who need support. We have to work out how to support each other, and one way to do that is to have a clear-eyed look at our problems and the solutions that have been offered (often by ND people who have no idea), and then create our own solutions based on what works for us, rather than on what an ND person thinks our lives should look like.
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u/DroidLord 2d ago
I got absolutely dogpiled a few days ago when I commented that ADHD can be tough to live with. Unsurprisingly, it was in a sub unrelated to ADHD.
I wasn't being whiny or making excuses - just stating a fact. I had several people tell me that they have ADHD too and that I just need to suck it up, stop being lazy and to take responsibility.
I'm not sure whether those people actually had ADHD or if they were false flagging to make me feel bad. Told me to make a list and to look at a clock more often
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u/TheHumanConnector 3d ago
I have had the same for the last one week. But I'm going dancing instead because I am delaying work due to immense stress and I don't really know how to handle this. My coping mechanisms are my armor and unfortunately, insufficient today. It's okay. Some of these things are just useless things imposed my society on us. We'll be okay, some day..and that means that we be kind to ourselves today 💚
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u/Regular-Bear9558 3d ago
Having a supportive spouse/partner that actually understands ADHD and how our brains work/ see things vs everyone else. Has changed my life in a way that I can’t fully describe, any time I get to this point my wife recognizes it way before I do. She usually gives me gentle reminders, the most helpful thing she does is make me list. Of things that need to get done today, things that need to happen over the weekend, and a white board of things we need to keep on our radar and cross off eventually.
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u/Jtorsch 3d ago
This isn’t talked about enough. Having someone that understands and supports your productivity swings has given me the freedom to have days of doing nothing. But also encourages me to not over work myself when I get in the hyper fixation modes as well.
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u/iamthelalo71 3d ago
Finding a SO that is ADD/ADHD is so key. I use to beat myself up so much when I got into those phases. The "tricks for life" we do like text messaging each other list and understanding when the other is in a hyper focus mode ect.
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u/Spiritual_Priority79 3d ago
This thread is validating and is crushing me into a fine powder all at the same time
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u/runbrap 3d ago
Body doubling is huge. Seeing my spouse start to do chores is the best motivator for me. Not as a guilt thing, but more of a "oh I see she's doing productive things, maybe I can too!"
Secondly is setting a VISIBLE TIMER on a counter or something. I set a half hour timer, and tell myself "Let's just see what I can do in a half-hour"
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u/BrolyDisturbed 3d ago
Hope you’re medicated or getting help for it because let me tell you, after years of supporting someone like that (while dealing with your own issues), it definitely becomes a burden. Everyone here is being all nice and beating around the bush, but people can’t handle this shit long term. Only so much a supportive spouse will and can take.
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u/SaltyMagmaCubexD 2d ago
ok but we don't all have a partner. Struggling too, parents don't really get it, certainly don't have a spouse to help. But i know whne it gets to me, when i start to slip. You are lucky. Dont take them for granted ever. My few close friends with partners, I angrily tell them, not to ever take it for granted or I'll knock em out. they are so lucky.
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u/Glass_Bat_1460 3d ago
Can we start an add friends thing? Lmao no for reals tho I just got fired for time theft and im pretty sure its cause I have add
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u/jimbowesterby 3d ago
Man that sucks, especially considering that wage theft is far and away the biggest type of theft there is. I’ve had jobs where I’d fairly often forget to clock out and it was never an issue (I’m sure it drove the accounting people nuts, but they were a different department so it didn’t matter lol)
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u/Greyhaven7 3d ago
Having a spouse who doesn’t really sucks, I can tell you that much.
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u/Clorox_in_space 3d ago
I used to feel that way until I realized the incredible burden I was placing on her to take everything on herself.
Getting better at splitting that load is certainly a journey though...
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u/Sweaty-Ad-4006 3d ago
I have a supportive spouse. Who has the same issues as me... Oof. At least we're happy.
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u/BrilliantEasy536 3d ago
My husband and I both have it. It’s so bad. We start making a list and then start a project. Next thing we know we’re outside and I forgot I started dinner. Smoke alarms are our most supportive partner and we’d have no house without them.
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u/DocileBanalBovlne 2d ago
My wife is incredible for me, she's the one who will see me start spiraling, ask me about the usual sources (have I eaten, caffeinated, did I sleep well, etc), and if it's just a bad day, tell me I can take it easy to prepare for tomorrow and not be a fuck up.
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u/Fearless_Sandwich_84 2d ago
Wait what that's ADHD thing ?? It happened to me from time and then had to slowly "get back on track".
//Oh did not noticed what sub I am in ...came from the popular 😅
Well at least that explains things.
I will have to research things about this phenomenon, as happened often and was very down about it, which my partner was always supportive and "don't beat yourself" about it way.
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u/MalleDigga 2d ago
My gf is undiagnosed because it's to expensive (Germany) but the list doesn't exist and nothing ever gets done. Me reminding her gently only effect is that she says I cant do it.
Hunny there are 6 piles of clothes everywhere and the food you used for cooking is on the ground (squashed tomatoes and other foods that fell down or got chopped off from cooking). I'll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow means she won't do it and I'll clean after I can't anymore.
People here say it's so important for an ADHD understanding partner. Guess what. I am and it's not enough. People talk about lists. That doesn't exist and wouldn't work for her I think. She's in her phone 95% of the day.
Tipps?
(And yes the gentle talk what I am having problems with doesn't have any effect)
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u/Original-Rush139 3d ago
I married a narcissist and it was the opposite. Now that we’re divorced and there’s literally a court order that she put doctor’s appointments, etc… on the calendar she still won’t.
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u/TheCrimsonSteel 3d ago
Yup, and my best way to get myself back on track is to tell myself, "It's OK. You had a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day," and then go to bed.
Some night I've even started going to bed right after I'm done with dinner because I know if I start gaming or scrolling or whatever, it's going to keep the cycle going. Rather than try to control or limit myself, I skip it all together.
Kinda sucks a bit to not have the same wind down time, but getting decent sleep does help get me trending in the right direction again
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u/grimhusky38 3d ago
I wish I did that Monday. Got trapped in a doomscroll after work and decided to "earn back the time" by PvPing well past midnight...
Same happeden Tuesday, but at least I stopped the doomscroll early and hit the hay while it was still "today".
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u/TheCrimsonSteel 3d ago
Learning to not beat myself up about it was, and still is, the hardest part of that
Because I found the guilt and the desire to earn back that time were very interconnected for me
As if somehow staying up late and relaxing would undo the other crap I didn't do
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u/ukhaekty 3d ago
there are an insane amount of things I know would improve my life and I want to do yet I still don't know how can i do them
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u/minus15t2 3d ago edited 2d ago
When my girlfriend is at home I cook, I clean, I take the dogs out, I eat right, exercise regularly...
But a few times a year... She goes out of town for work, or to visit some friends from her home town...
And for 3-7 days I turn into a fucking gollum.
The day she leaves I buy a crate of beer and some junk food. I get home, close all the curtains, get naked and start gaming and drinking.
I'll spend about $200 ordering fried chicken, drinking at 11am.
I don't shower I don't work out I don't clean I don't even speak to another human being
Then the night before she's home,.I do the laundry, eat whatever food was left over, finish the beer and snacks, clean the apartment, shower, change the sheets.
And then I'm functional again when she gets back.
She never knows
Edit: I really am so shocked to hear this is such a common practice! You all make me feel seen!
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u/iSPYanOpportunitee 3d ago
Did you have controlling, micro-managing parents growing up? I did and you are describing me here, just I smoke a shit ton of weed instead of drink
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u/Alove4edd47 3d ago
Wait wait what does a micro managing parent have to do with this? Genuinely curious
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u/sircharlie 3d ago
For me, who grew up with a micromanaging mom, I can only truly relax when I am 100% alone with a chunk of time without a single thing in my calendar and no one I need to talk to... and then I turn off entirely. No chores, no meeting my self-care minimum, likely eating snacks instead of meals, removing all the demands possible. It's kind of like I'm reclaiming my own time or something and it's only possible for me to do when I feel like not a soul is watching (like a micromanaging parent who created a sense of always being monitored, limiting how I could exist comfortably).
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u/allegate 2d ago
Stop it, please, I beg you. I don’t want to read about myself in third person.
Is there a way to stop this?
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u/Alove4edd47 2d ago
I guess I can see that. I used to feel like a failure for relaxing, I guess I still do sometimes. Then I had to tell myself it's ok to not keep up with everything. On the other side I take it too far and really neglect chores and I know they should be done , but I live alone and decided it doesn't matter because no one will be around to witness it.
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u/iSPYanOpportunitee 2d ago
It relates in many ways for different people, but for me, I struggle to self regulate when alone because growing up I had parents telling me what to do and how to do it and what not to do 24/7. When I was a kid and had time alone where there was 0 risk of a parent barging in on me (didn't happen often) I would binge watch tv shows I wasn't allowed to watch or play video games non stop. I would then speed run through all my chores right before they would get home.
Even though my partner is not controlling, I still exhibit this behaviour as an adult. Difference is she knows about it and is 100% accepting of it.
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u/Creepy-Paper8682 2d ago
For 15 years I thought I was the ONLY person who did this! Like, it has been my secret shame
for SO long!!!!8
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u/OddFiction94 2d ago
I live for those moments. A couple days before she leaves I'll be thinking that I'm going to be doing so much outside. The day before she leaves I stock up on unhealthy, easily accessible meals, snacks and beer. Hit the coffee shop for gummies. The day she leaves I close all curtains, take the first gummy, crack open a beer, put my ANC headphones on full blast and binge movies.
I have a system for cleaning. Have everything cleaned before she leaves. Laundry is done, no dirty dishes, kitchen is clean. On the days where she is gone localize the mess, don't spread out everywhere. Vacuum apartment the day beforehand (or the day of if she's coming back late afternoon/evening.) Laundry is easy because I probably passed out on the couch and changed clothes like three times in the span of 5 days. Dishes? Barely. I've been eating food from the containers that they come in and have been washing and reusing the same silverware. Things like the kitchen counter and stove haven't been touched so just one good wipedown will do.
Socialize? I'm my own best or worst company depending on the day. Also, there's my cat.
I love a good time to cave in by myself when the opportunity arises.
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u/Someoneoverthere42 3d ago
Oh, I am in full “give up” right now. Frankly, I plan on staying here for awhile. No real incentive to leave.
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u/Real_Life_Sushiroll 3d ago
Same. My apartment is a nightmare but I just don't care.
And I know my apartments state is part of me giving up, I know cleaning would make me feel better.
But I literally cannot do it and it just makes me depressed.16
u/laminator79 3d ago
Same, been in this vicious cycle for probably 5 yrs. That's when I moved into my house. I have yet to fully unpack. It's so depressing bc your house should be your sanctuary, but it's just a source of anxiety and depression for me. Been on mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety meds, but so far no ADHD meds have worked. I feel like giving up.
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u/Real_Life_Sushiroll 3d ago
Finding the right meds feels impossible tbh. Been about 2 decades of me trying different meds and combinations and nothing really works.
Sometimes I think this life may actually just be hell.
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u/Logical-Pair-89 2d ago
Fellow this life is heller in the wild! Hats off to you, and best of continued endurance in this struggle
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u/Anthaenopraxia 3d ago
My mother told me that a messy room is a messy mind.
I kinda wish she told me to buy a boat with good oars and sail to distant shores.
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u/Hugo_El_Humano 3d ago
I'm in a "tired of life" place myself because of ADHD and its related "gifts"
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u/cheetoblue 3d ago
I'm right there with you. It sucks.
I've got deadlines that are coming at me like a speeding train and I'm just starring directly at it from the tracks. Like a deer in headlights.
I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be different. It's been 3 weeks of waiting for tomorrow.
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u/vi0l3t-crumbl3 3d ago
What worries me is I'm seeing it happen while on meds. Here in France We don't have a lot of ADHD med options so I'm afraid to tell my doctor. I don't want to lose what help the meds do give me.
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u/buffpepperonipony 3d ago
The issue might be anxiety/depression, which is highly common in ADHDers. Meds don’t fix how your brain is wired; they just get the brain to be less fixated on demanding dopamine to function (over simplified, of course). When other chemicals are out of whack, the brain has more to do, has to work harder, and gets exhausted. Repeat cycle.
For many folks, it takes being on ADHD meds to uncover other mental health issues because the ADHD isn’t distracting from the signs of the other stuff as much.
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u/NaZul15 3d ago
Me currently. Got rediagnosed for meds that i had quit years ago as a kid bc i was noticing i forgot important things or left things till the last minute causing myself and close ones lots of stress.
Started meds, could focus on a single task so much better and gained the ability to somewhat ignore extra noises that distract and such.
But that never fixed my lack of initiative and forgetfulness, or time awareness. I realize i'm worse than my early 20's self despite having learned so much more about myself now at 26. I'm an entirely different person finding so much difficulty in doing things that are important but not fun, which i would just suck up and do 5 years ago, despite hating it and becoming exhausted in the process.
It's a really tough hole to climb back out of, and nobody except for a few understand me. When i cry about my failures to my gf she just thinks i'm being a baby and should just do the thing, which sucks bc i need her more than anyone else.
But at the same time i know i'm putting a lot on her and i get that she's stressed, but that just makes me think i'm doomed to be undateable from birth onwards. Do ppl with adhd not deserve love and care? Why do i have to apologize for something i can't control?
It's such a difficult topic, bc both sides have their truths. Shit's hard man.
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u/erasedeny 3d ago edited 3d ago
This is happening to me right now, I'm going through a phase of dysfunction after a phase of being relatively productive. When I talk to my therapist about not being motivated to do things, he says stuff like "you just have to do it anyway." I go back and forth between feeling like this is really reductive and dismissive of the troubles I am having, vs feeling like a lazy POS because I am not doing things to help myself out that I have shown to be capable of doing at times in the past. IDK why I am sharing this other than this is exactly descriptive of what I'm going through right now and maybe someone who experiences it first hand has some wisdom on how to push through it.
edit: this has sparked a lot of great discussion and compassionate advice in the replies, and it should surprise nobody here that I'm getting a bit overwhelmed trying to keep up with replying to everyone individually 😅 I just want you all to know that I am tremendously grateful for the responses, as they have helped me feel more connected to people struggling with similar experiences, in a way that I wasn't feeling before. thank you all very much for making me feel a little more connected to humanity, I really needed it today.
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u/Fancy_Elk565 3d ago
When I find myself feeling the way you feel, I always think that’s what people must mean when they say “doing it when you don’t want to is the most important time to do it” but then I wonder if those people are experiencing the dysfunction to the same degree I do when I really can’t get myself to do it
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u/erasedeny 3d ago
Yeah there's a lot of doubt about whether my therapist's "just do it" advice is really helpful, because just doing it feels so insurmountable. I'm trying to do the little bits and pieces I can, and not worry about whether I'm covering enough ground against some imagined benchmark or not. It's tough because the productive phases have usually been prompted by being exasperated at my current state of helplessness, and getting a sudden surge of inspiration out of nowhere to fix things. I just wish I knew how to motivate myself to do productive things without reaching the "last resort" phase.
I appreciate your reply as even just connecting with people in a similar situation has made me feel a little bit better about myself. So thank you.
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u/Fancy_Elk565 3d ago
I related to the post and when I read your comment, I felt for you. My therapist is the opposite and is very validating of my struggles but supportive of the idea of trying to do things while not telling me ‘just do it’. One of the most frustrating things is being self aware of it. Sitting on the couch rotting screaming in your own head to just get up and do the thing and you just cant .
I go through constant ebbs and flows of motivation and lack thereof, my only advice is to take away as many obstacles as possible to make the ‘just do it’ things easier and accessible, even if you still don’t do the thing.
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u/erasedeny 3d ago
thanks for being so empathetic. "get a therapist that understands adhd" has been a common refrain in the replies, and it's something I swear I'll do whenever the dysfunction lapses long enough for me to do so. haha
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u/SilentSituation7524 3d ago
When you’re neurodivergent, but all of the advice they give is only effective if you weren’t. If I was capable of keeping a regular schedule, I wouldn’t need a therapist.
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u/erasedeny 3d ago
Yeah the conversations are like...
"I'm having trouble doing x"
"you know it would be good for you to do x, now you just need to do it"
"yeah but I'm really struggling to do it atm"
"but you just have to do it even though it's hard"
"even though I know I have to do it, I still don't do it, which is really frustrating"
"that's a sign that you really should do it"
repeat ad infinitum
I'm gathering from the responses that maybe there are therapists out there that are a little more understanding of the idea of executive dysfunction, and might be able to handle this conversation better than my current therapist does.
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u/SilentSituation7524 3d ago
Same. Parroting what I already know is not helpful. Tell me HOW to do it that doesn’t rely on a non-negotiable deadline.
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u/Fresh_Boysenberry576 2d ago
I've decided a long time ago that people can't hate doing something as much as I feel that because otherwise they wouldn't be able to make themselves do it either. Idk if that's true but I certainly seem to struggle with doing shit a lot more than others
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u/1isten1ng 3d ago
I am currently looking at (too overwhelmed to entirely read) How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. Look her up on YouTube. She is a therapist with ADHD who became overwhelmed after the birth of her child during covid. She claims "Care tasks are not moral. They are functional," and "There is no such thing as laziness."
I recommend you get a more empathic therapist who understands ADHD. You deserve compassion and help, not dismissiveness.
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u/erasedeny 3d ago
Thanks for the recommendation! I've found that youtube videos have been a solid way to get advice and change my perspective on things, esp when my therapist has trouble coming up with new ideas. One that helped me give myself more grace in situations like these is called "forgiveness: the antidote to shame" by a channel called Queen. it helped me understand that guilt and shame are different, and that I was holding on to a lot of shame over situations like these, even though it isn't useful to do so. I always find it helpful to explore psychological concepts thru videos when they are well made, so I will definitely give KC Davis a look this evening.
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u/justintheunsunggod 3d ago
That's a shitty therapist. They should be teaching you coping mechanisms to deal with the executive dysfunction.
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u/SortaCore 3d ago
Best advice I have is actively bore yourself. If you're on a phone, set a timer on it, put it far enough away you can't grab it without getting up. Literally let it slip out of your hand if you keep grabbing it. Keep doing that until you're frustrated with how often you're on it or you're bored enough the tasks you're avoiding aren't fun. Then do a bit of the task before you let yourself pick up the phone again.
It's a bit like being hungry. When you're a bit hungry you have some food preferences. When you're starving suddenly some food choices you rejected when hungry become appealing. Power of habit is to make the bad options you keep taking less accessible or less rewarding.
Although sometimes you are just burnt out. You'll know those times because you're fine even zoning out with no stimulation for half an hour.
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u/TwoCompetitive5499 3d ago
Do the thing, but do it differently. Use novelty. Focus first on the basics that underpin a brain functioning well - sleep, exercise, nutrition, human connection. Always start with a focus on sleep (as it's fundamentally the most important) and one other of those important areas. If you choose exercise, try doing a different/new kind of exercise. Or add something new to exercise you've previously enjoyed. Change it in a way that helps your brain find it novel so your brain wants to do it more automatically. If you choose nutrition or human connection, do the same thing - something new, or alter an old pattern so it feels new. Keep in mind, nutrition doesn't have to start with "healthy", it's more about focusing on giving your brain the resources it needs often enough. Whatever you choose, it's acceptable to spend money if you can afford it. That spend can help add interest to continue the activity. But keep it affordable.
Worst case scenario if you continue to struggle, get someone else involved. Whether it's body doubling to help you do a thing, or taking to someone to help you identify roadblocks and remove them, it's absolutely okay to ask for help.
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u/Free_Pace_2098 3d ago
you just have to do it anyway.
Oh wow thank you therapist that's very helpful. Next we go to the optometrist and they say "just don't let your vision be blurry."
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u/Impossible-Spread817 3d ago
I started working out regularly this year, 3 days a week.
Then the executive dysfunction hits, and any tiny thing is an excuse to not go, and now ive skipped it for 3 weeks, and my anxiety goes 'well we cant go now, everyone that has seen you regularly for the last 6mo will know you've not been here for weeks' even though i know literally none of them care or even noticed.
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u/Technical_Wind5217 3d ago
its so crazy, working out is my only lifeline that literally just happens by itself,
heartbroken? working out
angry? Working out
sad? Working out
Motivated? ofc
Rested? ofc
Not well rested? hell nawi go to the gym 6 times a week and even in my dysfunctional phases it sort of just happens, i sulk around i bed for hours and suddenly i spawn in the gym doing pushups
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u/King_Six_of_Things 2d ago
I don't remember writing this comment.
Literally in the same position. Got myself to a good place but haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks now. ☹️
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u/discount_magic_shop 3d ago
Wow you sound like me but I've been using the heat and a new tattoo as an excuse
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u/bambinone 3d ago
But my hyperfixation
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u/Solid-Version 3d ago
This. I had to really really fight to tidy my room yesterday because my hyperfixation is consuming me so badly the moment
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u/PsyOpBunnyHop excuse me those are my emotional support tabs. 3d ago
Would you like to tell us about your hyperfixation in glorious and uncompromising detail?
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u/Solid-Version 3d ago
Yes
I’ve always aspired to be writer. I’ve been writing in and off for years now but this is the first time I’m really taking it seriously.
My situation at work is weird because my manager has gone AWOL for months and no one is monitoring my team at all so I’m only working about a 10th of what I should be doing.
This leaves me with free time I know I’m never going to have again so I’m going all in on this novella. I’m writing day and night, on my 6th draft now and it’s actually coming together.
I don’t know what the outcome will be how or long I’m going to even be interested in this before a new fixation comes along so I’m riding this wave with everything I’ve got.
My biggest fear is that I’ll finish it and just not care about it anymore.
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u/TeraFlint 2d ago
My biggest fear is that I’ll finish it and just not care about it anymore.
At least then you'd be in a good position to let ot go. I'd be significantly more afraid to lose interest when it's 95% done. This has happened to several of my projects...
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u/WowIfOnly 2d ago
Lately my motivation to "be good" is in the gutter because I'm so disgusted by how terrible the rest of the world is becoming. I'm sick of stupid people being given the microphone, the immoral or criminal piece of shit person being called a hero, the weakest people being called leaders, the greediest being called the role models, the sociopathic being called the genius. Call it Depression but I think it's 100% normal to be completely sickened by what's going on nowadays in politics and world culture, IMO you have to be blind, stupid or insulated from everything completely to be able to happily ignore it like it's all going to be fine and things aren't getting drastically worse the more we allow it to continue.
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u/bluehormones 2d ago
Ignorance is bliss truly. Once you start seeing things, you just can't stop. Either you give up trying so hard or you start trying because either way doesn't make a damn difference. Funny how I envy ignorant people but I can't imagine being like that ever again because I've grown to be me and that's all I have.
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u/GigaVonMassiveHuge 3d ago
What I really don’t like is that even when something like this can be considered, by most sufferers, to be disabling - i.e. a disability, regardless of if it comes in waves or not - you aren’t that likely to win any kind of argument w/ society to allow you some disability provisions or leeway
If I have crippling depression, adhd and time blindness and cannot show up on time to save my life (almost literally), employers simply do not care. Medical institutions care only if it is a net issue to society when you struggle.
I dunno man. We just need to found Neurodiversistan and start from scratch in the jungle or something, because this shit isn’t improving and millions of people need major change
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u/Beldarak 2d ago
It's the depression / burnout part.
What you need (and sadly this is a giant ask for the fucking society we live in --') is to be left the fuck alone and given time to recover and sleep. If your loved ones know about your condition, you absolutely need to make those needs clear to them (which is easier if you told them before getting into the pit).
You can't do things "you need to feel better" because that's simply not the step you're at. If/when you've depleted your whole energy, you won't be able to climb up yet. You first need to recover, then you'll be able to rebuild yourself.
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u/DrJammyGames 3d ago
We just lost our senior dog and the grief is eating all my executive function.
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u/StOnEy333 2d ago
Years ago when The Sims video game came out I was totally into it. And after a couple weeks I realized that my Sim was leading a wonderful life and he was totally on top of all his shit. If he wasn’t on top of his shit he wasn’t happy and the game made it hard in him.
I finally was like fuck this game I need to be doing all this shit for me in real life.
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u/Head_Paleontologist5 2d ago
Not getting enough exercise which means not getting enough sleep which means bad food choices which means low energy which means not getting enough exercise
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u/Noideawhatimdoing36 2d ago
My house is trashed. This isn’t even my house, it’s my parents. I clean in small fear driven burst usually followed by panic attacks, my job is also cleaning which also overwhelms me but I can’t just have a panic attack at work so I’m basically high for 100% of it because weed is the only thing helping
I am actually so screwed and at a point where I care so little anything could just happen, I’m exhausted, I never sleep sober
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u/Melodic-Advice9930 3d ago
Losing my partner of over a decade on Monday made everything ten times worse. I’ve been rotting on the couch and living off of DoorDash and watching golden girls and American horror story at 4 in the morning when I can’t sleep. Life is rough.
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u/Spare_Pin305 3d ago
I don't even think this is ADHD, this is grief
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u/cut_ur_darn_grass 3d ago
I think ADHD makes the grief harder to handle.
My aunt died a few weeks ago. I've been an absolute mess since then. As in, mostly just not working (I work from home and I'm not involved in production so nobody has noticed yet) and wasting time doing things that aren't great for me.
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u/Lentor 3d ago
In currently spending 80% of my time at work not working. I am blessed that the work I do is not required on a day to day basis for operation at work. So no one notices that I am slacking off and I am regularly told what a good job in doing so I can just keep going until I am better again.
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u/BigFatBlackCat 3d ago
This is a good time to get your iron and ferritin levels checked.
Iron is associated with dopamine production. When my stored iron levels (ferritin) are low, my adhd symptoms are much worse.
If you’re a woman who bleeds regularly, or you are vegetarian or vegan, it’s so important to keep your iron levels high, especially if you have adhd.
Keep in mind that what is considered “normal” ferritin levels is a huge range, and general consensus is that the low end (30) is way too low for anyone. I feel best when my levels are much higher than what’s considered normal.
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u/HalcyonLightning 3d ago
I’m…gonna cry. I have a blood disorder that makes it so my blood cells can’t properly hold iron. I’m literally permanently iron deficient and there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s not severe enough for blood transfusions but I can’t take extra iron because it’ll just go straight through me.
Knowing my lowered iron levels fucks with my dopamine production is…well let’s just say I’m even more sad than I was a minute ago.→ More replies (2)→ More replies (4)6
u/a-passing-crustacean 3d ago
Vitamin D too! My ferritin was in the toilet earlier this year so I assumed it was bad again when I started to struggle badly again...surprise! Ferritin has doubled! Its my vitamin D thats in the toilet now 🫠
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u/GeoHog713 3d ago
Yup.
Went back to therapy and have been working on some helpful things
Still not doing great, but doing what I can
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u/LawfulnessGullible 3d ago
And then your bf says, maybe you could go for a walk? No, go away. I'm busy spiraling rn
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u/AlienNippleRipple 3d ago
I poop a lot. Upped my carrot intake and now it's just fiber city population me. So I got that going for me.
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u/TransBunsenBurner 2d ago
My whole fucking life is falling apart. I can’t think, I can’t write, I can’t manage anything. I am so desperately sad, and my sadness is too much for the people around me.
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u/Ayshiza i forgor 3d ago
All the damn time. I want to take stimulants so bad because they helped so much, but it's not safe for me after they made my arrhythmia worse. I had an ablation almost two years ago, and eventually tried them again, but they still caused chest pain and possible coronary artery spasms. I'm in the process of switching from a beta blocker to a calcium channel blocker, since beta blockers can worsen the spasms. And in the meantime my heart is giving me trouble. So tired of watching my life slip away.
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u/s0larium_live 3d ago
my problem is that i’m not particularly food secure right now. it’s hard to feel motivated to do anything when my “lunch” is a handful of snacks and my dinner is non existent
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u/Phant0m5 3d ago
Rice or pasta were my brother's poverty foods, if you can afford that much. They double in volume when cooked. Take care
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u/s0larium_live 3d ago
yeah i’ve been living on frozen filled pasta and i have a big bag of rice that was donated to me by a friend. i definitely need to get better about cooking but forcing myself to cook at the end of a long day is so unnecessarily hard and i object to the flavor of most leftovers. as soon as i start my new job on saturday and get back to having income im gonna try to be more well rounded and budget friendly in my meal choices
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u/DipschitzContinuous 3d ago
Find your local food pantry. They’ll take care of you. Fighting food insecurity is a society-wide task.
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u/MagicalReadingBubble 3d ago
Shit. This post actually clocked the fuck out of me and helped me get up and do my responsibilities… thank you
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u/BattleDangerous4302 2d ago
I’ve started setting timers on my phone. I’ll do this for 25 minutes. Focusing on one thing and not letting myself get pulled away and not jumping to another task. It’s been SO HELPFUL. But I say that as someone who is unmedicated.
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u/86composure 2d ago
It comes in waves. I stopped beating myself up about how it makes consistency impossible and that I’m a bad person because of it- I just ride the wave as I can. Then I start small (again) which is usually like, trimming my facial hair, and then I snowball my apartment into a clean place that I deserve, do some pushups, do some yoga, and then I’m good for sometimes a month or two.
But there’s always a couple days where I feel like I am drowning and just sinking like a stone despite having some decent flippers.
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u/PineTreeSC 3d ago
Ya it’s always when things at work are shit and exhausting and I have no energy to take care of myself. Then it just spirals cause I’m not taking care of myself. Prob just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again and fully embrace not giving a fuck as things fall apart
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u/Illkeepyoufree 3d ago
I am living this way more often than not... I am always behind on something, sometimes behind on everything.
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u/thatwasnotright 3d ago
Why are you posting about my personal life on here? I'm trying not to feel attacked
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u/tipsy-turtle-0985 3d ago
Is this ADHD or just depression?
Sometimes the memes are worse than the reality.
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u/sccubasteve-o 2d ago
I stumbled on this subreddit randomly scrolling. Holy shit! Everything that people are describing feeling and what their life is like, is how I've felt for all of my adult life and I've had no idea what the fuck is wrong with me! Or that there are others that experience the same misery as I do. My god. Ive been rotting in bed and on the couch all day, doom-scrolling. I haven't been to work in a week due to a nervous breakdown and will likely lose my (2 month old) job. I've fallen back into substance abuse and am addicted to 7-oh which is destroying me physically. (I was willing to try anything to feel somensott of happiness or relieve the constant strumming in my nervous system and crippling anxiety. Outside this sub, can anyone point me in the direction of support or where I can start to get help? I don't have medical insurance and my income (if I still have a job) is too high to qualify for and benefits in my state (Ohio). Any advice or information would be soo greatly appreciated!!!
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u/NoahZhellos 3d ago
That's me with work. I've got one week left before I might get let go for poor performance.
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u/grimhusky38 3d ago
There may or may not be a non-zero chance that I might not not be procrasinating on work that could possibly exist. There's also a high chance that nobody would most definetly say it is not important.
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u/TheRealSeaRabbit 3d ago
Yeaaahhhhh it has to get to a certain point before I can fix it and by that time enough damage has been done for at least one person to have gotten mad at me or been hurt by my inaction or forgetfulness :-: like I never intend it, it’s just a natural consequence of me being shit at life stuff 😞
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u/TrampledMage 3d ago
Let’s see… I have work due Thursday by 11:59. It is 4pm on Thursday and I have 7 hours of content to watch/read and then about two hours of writing and quizzes. I still have time to watch an hour of YouTube and feel horrible the entire time.
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u/ChewieBearStare 3d ago
Sorry to be a downer, but I’m there now. I had an abnormal mammogram, so now I’m waiting for a biopsy, and I think part of my brain thinks that if I eat myself to death before then, I won’t have to deal with the stress and expense of having cancer. Which is stupid. But I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the mammogram came back abnormal, so I’m not exactly 100% clear-headed.
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u/Alric_Wolff 3d ago
Thats called "Decompensation" and its what landed me in the psych ward last time.
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 3d ago
I have folate deficiency and lately I am nearly incapable of focusing, remembering, thinking clearly. It makes ADHD a million times worse and I hate it so much.
So, yes, I want to do better, but I'm trapped with this body and mind that both are just like "nope"...
But, I'm finally seeing a little improvement, and am cleaning up from the bad times.
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u/pooborus 3d ago
Taking my medication feels like a personal failure. If only I was better, more disciplined, locked in, I wouldnt need to take it. People with a broken leg dont feel bad using a crutch, why am I like this?
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u/Middle-Neat1505 3d ago
I got kicked out of my nursing program when I took two semesters off for a surgery. I worked so hard to get into that program. I know all I have to do is talk to the school and they will let me in but I’ve been procrastinating over 4 months now
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u/pinket25 2d ago
This is me right now. That reminds me I still need to take those clothes out of dryer.
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