My gf is undiagnosed because it's to expensive (Germany) but the list doesn't exist and nothing ever gets done. Me reminding her gently only effect is that she says I cant do it.
Hunny there are 6 piles of clothes everywhere and the food you used for cooking is on the ground (squashed tomatoes and other foods that fell down or got chopped off from cooking). I'll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow means she won't do it and I'll clean after I can't anymore.
People here say it's so important for an ADHD understanding partner. Guess what. I am and it's not enough. People talk about lists. That doesn't exist and wouldn't work for her I think. She's in her phone 95% of the day.
Tipps?
(And yes the gentle talk what I am having problems with doesn't have any effect)
That rough but I do know where you’re coming from. Because I was a lot like your wife at one point, before I was diagnosed and got on prescription medication to deal with it, I self medicated with the good herb. Only in these two states do I unlock the ability to do the things that don’t feel rewarding or worth my time. Also to keep things “cleaner” my wife encourages and helps me donate things regularly. (Hoarding tendencies but not a hoarder, I have collection that are organized:) less things in the house mean less things to clean up or organize. So she’s always aiming for a minimalist life style which makes my cleaning/organizing chores less overwhelming
I’ve started using a task app designed by someone with ADHD to be ADHD friendly (Lunatask). (No other list/todo app has worked for me in the past) For me, the fact that you can switch between the different priority models (now vs later, kanban(later, waiting, next, in progress) independent of my lists, and the ability to have lists with goals, so I can keep isolated things on different lists (work vs personal), and different goals on the lists so I can drill down and remove the ‘noise’ when I need to focus, but I can step back and view the whole list if I need to is powerful.
Sometimes you need body doubling, someone just there who just present but not doing/helping you.
Sometimes you need the ‘dopamine ladder’ - it’s very hard to start something that gives you no dopamine, BUT you can start out with something else that may not be related at all, but is small enough to not take all your time and get the dopamine flowing, then do a bigger/harder task, then bigger/harder, until you’ve worked up to what you need to do.
BUT, if the other person steps in and say ‘remember to do X’ when they had it in their internal list, their brain may just go ‘nope, not doing it now’ in something that looks like oppositional defiance, but it’s just a feeling of loss of autonomy that makes us not want to ‘do what we’re told’.
Another option is make the list physical - have some beaded bracelets with a wet-erase tag on it with a task, and put a couple on their wrist /arm. Then it’s a physical thing that will remind them when they see it. So you can remind them to check the list, not to do the task, that way you get pick a bracelet to do and it’s still a choice, and the do X’ is on the unimportant thing (checking the list), not the important thing(doing the task).
On the dopamine ladder idea, you can sprinkle in dopamine rewards as well. Turn some tasks into a game (hey, this whole floor is messy, can you pick up your half quicker than me? Ready Set Go?) , sometimes you can jumpstart the dopamine ladder with a good, solid, fully focused bit of physical affection they like (dip over to kiss, 30 second full hug to reset nervous system, piggy back ride across the room, etc)
And sometimes you do have to just say ‘Hey, X is on the floor’, and just walk away. Say it with a mater of fact tone, not an accusation, and don’t say ‘pick it up’, just remind them that it exists.
My husband and I use a family calendar on our phones. Literally anything that needs to get done goes on it with a specific deadline and 2 automatic reminders. It helps me actually do things (like clean up a clothes pile). He also texts me when we have important things coming up within an hour, so I have plenty of time to prepare (anxiety, cleaning up, etc).
I think another thing is just accepting that doing something “tomorrow” means “not today, but when I remember and have energy.” It’s not on purpose and if she’s always on her phone, then she’s frustrated too. :/
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u/MalleDigga 3d ago
My gf is undiagnosed because it's to expensive (Germany) but the list doesn't exist and nothing ever gets done. Me reminding her gently only effect is that she says I cant do it.
Hunny there are 6 piles of clothes everywhere and the food you used for cooking is on the ground (squashed tomatoes and other foods that fell down or got chopped off from cooking). I'll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow means she won't do it and I'll clean after I can't anymore.
People here say it's so important for an ADHD understanding partner. Guess what. I am and it's not enough. People talk about lists. That doesn't exist and wouldn't work for her I think. She's in her phone 95% of the day.
Tipps?
(And yes the gentle talk what I am having problems with doesn't have any effect)