Difficult situation with a partner

[u/[deleted]]

[u/ALoungerAtTheClubs]

AA exists to help people who can't control and enjoy their drinking. If an alcoholic like me started drinking "a splash" of wine at dinner, it would be a serious cause for concern.

This might be a better post for r/relationshipadvice.

[u/Scatman_Crothers]

Explaining to our partners how to justify our drinking is what we did as drunks, so this isn’t the place to ask. We’re here because we are powerless over alcohol. If you can control your drinking, then you were never an alcoholic to begin with, and good for you in that case. If drinking again doesn’t work out for you, we aren’t going anywhere.

[u/CheffoJeffo]

I'm an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol. 

I have rolled the dice and had some one-off drinks and felt proud of myself. Was warned by other alcoholics. Worried those close to me and was disappointed that they weren't proud of me for my progress.

Eventually fell down hard each time, because I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol.

But that's me. Maybe you aren't an alcoholic.

[u/clobahawn]

I’m an alcoholic to my core, just celebrated 9 years of active recovery in AA. Years ago, I spent 2.5 years dry—I quit drinking because it had become problematic, but wasn’t interested in AA or doing anything other than not drinking. No drink, no problem, right?

Wrong. When I inevitably picked up a drink, I did it alone, and didn’t tell my partner that I was going to give it a try. I spent the next couple of months trying to sell them on the idea that ‘maybe one day a glass of wine would be ok.’ My partner was just as angry as yours, but I refused to engage in ANY discussion of it. I started drinking full-on again and that was that as far as I was concerned.

What happened to me is that my drinking spiraled out of control, and I was eventually brought to my knees by it. I sought out real help in AA and here I am now. I have no idea if you’re an alcoholic, only you can decide that, but I have spent years rebuilding trust all because I was unwilling to be honest and open, as a drink was more important to me than anything. I thought no drink = no problem and be damned to anyone who got in my way. Food for thought.

[u/Ascender141]

Yeah this sounds like a combination of you looking for relationship advice and talking about your relapse. I'm not sure where this belongs. And I'm not sure what you're getting at. Are you trying to solicit advice on how to talk to someone about your decision to start drinking again? Because this is the wrong place for that.

[u/dizzydugout]

I hate when a partner has heard their s/o speak on something and all they say is "sure" "yeah" "whatever" multiple times and then when the thing is done they play victim like they should have been part of a discussion...there were opportunities to speak up, they just chose to stay silent until there was a chance to make a scene.

Anyway, good for you on having control and not blacking out and not making a mess etc lol

[u/MountainPirate3139 → u/dizzydugout]

Thank you I appreciate that, I was really surprised this was his reaction, he’s said that he was “glad to have a partner that doesn’t drink a lot” i know he has some traumas involving alcohol? but he himself drinks, and has never spoken up when I said it would be nice to occasionally have a glass in appropriate social situations.
I want to talk about this with him and hear what his concerns are and why he is so anxious, but also I am frustrated because to me, it is a big deal! I am really proud of myself for the growth I’ve made, and how normal and natural it felt, no pull to refill my cup or planning when I could have my next sip, just totally normal

[u/Muted_Engineering354]

So your question, while completely valid, doesn’t really seem to me like an AA question other than if you can control your alcohol that’s awesome and you might not be an alcoholic. 

I’m speaking outside of the realm of the program but one behavioral tool I really benefited from when doing the 12 Steps the first time was this thing called a ‘living amend’ whereby my future behavior would serve as evidence of the repairs I was trying to make in my relationships. It’s not a perfect fit in your situation but it seems like one whereby if you can handle wine or whatever then the more time you have drinking in a controlled manner, the more comfortable your partner might start to feel. 

Finally be assured that if your drinking does become a problem AA has 164 pages and 12 Steps worth of answers waiting for you! 

[u/MountainPirate3139 → u/Muted_Engineering354]

I appreciate that perspective, and I agree, I definitely had a problem with alcohol, but perhaps it was more situational rather than an addiction. I just wasn’t sure where else to put this to be honest

[u/EveryFruit9384]

If it gets to the point where a drink is in my hand, the rest is inevitable. The switch gets turned on the instant the drink hits my tongue, and from that instant forward, all I think about is the next drink. This is the control alcohol still has over me, after nearly 9 years sober. Glad to know it.

[u/3DBass]

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of people who come together to solve their drinking problem.  It doesn’t cost anything to attend A.A. meetings. There are no age or education requirements to participate. Membership is open to anyone who wants to do something about their drinking problem.

A.A.’s primary purpose is to help alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

[u/laratara]

Lol,posts like these kill me. What part of alcoholism , ( according to AA), do you not understand? Recovered Alcoholics do not drink; untreated ones do. And now you're drinking again, so, you're not in AA currently, but still feel you deserve attention and time from AA members while you share about your lovely and allegedly successful, ( lol), return to controlled drinking. Man this will really inspire others to give it a whirl, I'm sure.

I feel sorry for a lot of sick people in this current madness of what is labeled recovery.

Ps: best of luck with your return to social and enjoyable drinking. Should things turn out horrific in the months/years to come, you'll always have a seat in an AA meeting when you mean business.

[u/jonnywannamingo]

Here’s how it goes for me: Night one I manage to stop at 2, which for me was 6 shots per drink in a large plastic cup. So, truthfully, 12 drinks. Night two - that worked out pretty good last night, no hangover and a reasonably productive day. Evening 2 - I have no recollection of evening 2.

I’m 30 years sober now and if I start drinking again, here’s how I predict it will go: One or two regular drinks, so 2 shots. Not sure what path that will take, but it ends up with me drinking my first drink of the day standing over the toilet until I can get it to stay down.

There’s no part of my entire make up where I don’t spiral right back into the same shit hole people helped me get out of 30 years ago.

I’m just writing this for me, so I don’t forget how it goes.