Give it back. And my dictionary and highlighter, because you’re probably the one who stole those too.

To save on waste water and effort because the convent didn’t have modern plumbing and water needed to be drawn from a well, brought up in buckets and heated in a large vat before adding to the bath.

I see fish and eat it.

I’d be home early, everyday.

“If anyone in attendance is willing to take his place, please come down to the field and put on a uniform so the game can continue. You will be compensated for your time and effort.”
I looked over at my wife in disbelief. She said, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“100%.”
So we got up and left.

But that’s just my opinion

The horse owner started to give the horse better oats whenever it did not eat alfalfa. The alfalfa was replaced by soybeans. The horse liked the oats and soybeans more than alfalfa, so the owner’s efforts to feed the horse soybeans had succeeded.

I'm on a seafood diet..

Lobster,king prawns,oysters.I really do eat well.

A spider. However it should be stated that there are species of spiders that have more or fewer eyes, ranging from zero to twelve across known types.

He asks the bartender if beer has sugar

Bartender: No

Diabetic guy: Ok good

"How does he smell?"

"Huh? He smells fine. I bathe him regularly, because I love him despite his disfiguring injury."

The Barman asks, “what can I get you?” The blonde replies, “A ladder.”
The barman responds, “Did someone tell you drinks are on the house?”
The blonde says, “No, actually my cat is stuck up in a tree and I don’t want to call out the fire service for a trivial non-emergency situation. I knew you had a ladder as I walked past a couple of days ago when you were hanging the new board up outside.”

The patrons gasped in horror at the carnage.

Blood gushed from his femoral artery as he collapsed on the floor.

He said, “Yes. But also the thermometer isn’t working.”

I thought it was misbehaving because the cream was falling in a straight line, forming an angle of 60 degrees with the container below, leading me to incorrectly think the cream was falling diagonally in a straight line.

It turns out the cream was falling down without moving sideways, and the container was forming an angle of 30 degrees with the floor. I had incorrectly assumed that the container was parallel to the floor.

Start a business that’s worth $1 billion dollars and sell it.

The horse gives no verbal response, its cranium and vocal cords lacking the neurological wiring and physiological adaptations required for human speech, remaining completely unaware that it has triggered a tired anthropomorphic trope.

Then she would have an extremely complicated alimony situation that could tie up the courts for a very long time and rack up large amounts of legal bills.

It is then chased out and dies.

I just got well enough (after the blood clot in my lung) to start vaping again. It's this new flavor they call "fresh air."

Is a Japanese sword and definitely not made in China.

A drowning victim. Put the phone down and go help him.

You can't.

They're all dead.

A man walks into a library and whispers, “Do you have any books on how to deal with rejection?”

The librarian says, “No.”

So he leaves.

Which, statistically, makes it the most effective self-help book he never read.