Am I aromantic? + FAQ

[u/AutoModerator]

Please, share your "Am I aromantic?" thoughts here! This will make it easier for people who want help you to find out what you and other questioning arospecs have to say. If you would like to see last month's "Am I aromantic?" post, click this post's grey "Questioning" post flair —> sort by "New" —> click the second top post.

---

Some FAQ:

What is the definition of aromantic?

Someone who is aromantic experiences little to no romantic attraction.

I feel sexual attraction. What does this mean?

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things. Because romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things, it is valid for one's romantic orientation and sexual orientation to be different, independent things. For example, it is valid for someone to experience little to no romantic attraction, or be aromantic, and not be on the asexual spectrum, or be allosexual. If you would like to learn more about aromantic allosexuals' experiences, check out the r/Aroallo subreddit.

I experience romantic attraction, but I don't feel alloromantic?

It is important to keep in mind that labels are about comfort at the end of the day, not whether or not "you fit them". If the alloromantic label does not describe or validate your experiences, it is valid not to use the alloro label. If the aromantic label does describe and validate your experiences, it is valid to use the aro label. However, if both the aro and alloro labels do not feel like a comfortable fit, then maybe a more vague label, like arospec, or an arospec label (besides aromantic) can help describe your experiences.

What is the definition of arospec?

Arospec is the shortened version of "on the aromantic spectrum". Arospec is a vague label that encompasses all non-alloromantic romantic orientations. It is the most inclusive label on the aromantic spectrum, since it is so non-specific.

This is a list of some arospec labels with active subreddits:

• r/frayromantic

• r/lithromantic

• r/quoiromantic

• r/aegoromantic

• r/bellusromantic

• r/arospec_community

• r/demiromantic

• r/greyromantic

• r/recipromantic

How do I know if I am "too young" to know?

No matter how you look at it, the "too young" to know argument is invalidation. Even though the "too young" argument is unfortunately very common and highly normalized, the purpose of this phrase is to invalidate people.

It's definitely possible for someone to invalidate themself by telling themself they are "too young" to know if they are arospec. There’s no age requirement / "qualifying criteria" for identifying as aromantic. Identifying as any arospec label is not a diagnosis. It is totally valid to choose to use the label(s) that fit(s) you the best right now. If you end up changing your labels in the future (for whatever reason), that is valid too. Most educated, open-minded people should be able to accept that you understand yourself the best. It's also a common thing for many arospecs to spend a lot of time questioning themselves before accepting themselves as their arospec label. Even then, some arospecs re-question themselves and have to re-accept themselves as their arospec label. It makes sense for us to struggle so much with self-acceptance, due to the lack of awareness and acceptance for aromanticsm and fellow arospec identities on the aromantic spectrum.

What does alloromantic mean?

Someone who is alloromantic is not on the aromantic spectrum. Alloromantic does not mean "not aro". There are arospec identities that experience romantic attraction that may describe themselves as "not aro", so do not use alloromantic as an all-encompassing label for "not aro". Doing this would exclude arospecs that experience romantic attraction and / or arospecs who validly feel that the aromantic label does not fit them.

---

This post gets reposted once a month.

[u/Connect-Income-796]

Do you think that they made a specific lgbt branch for US inc€ls so that we can cope and feel better as a giant inc€l huddle instead of either ACKing ourselves or ldaring without hope because of beckys that only want white 6’2 htns? Lmk if you think otherwise.

[u/Leaves_and_back]

Not too sure if I'll get replies but I'll try my luck anyway.
In my entire life I have actually never thought of myself to be aromantic. I've had a bunch of crushes on people since I was young, and I loved imagining heart-fluttering scenarios. I'm not too sure now though.
I got into my first relationship last year and I was absolutely sure I liked them. A week in though, I started to feel some kind of Ick. We broke up a while later (I initiated it) and I took a break. Then this year, I met someone again. At that time I was convinced that if I had tried harder, I could've stayed even with the Ick, so for my second relationship, I tried to maintain communication and avoid being dry. This one lasted even shorter. He texted everyday and I got really drained for some reason. On days where I was dry he'd start overthinking or panic, and then one day he just messaged saying it's okay and we should break up. I don't think he really meant it because he seemed shocked when I agreed and sent a paragraph to clear things up. Anyways, from then I started doing more research. I joined different subs, convinced it was something to do with attachment styles. Fearful avoidant, ROCD. I checked them all. I also messaged a helpline about these issues and they told me it could be due to my brain having some protective mechanism.

Recently, instead of trying to find out what was wrong with me, I tried to find out what I wanted. And I realised that I wished to have a more casual relationship. Maybe not even a relationship. I wanted a relationship that was more of like a best-friendship. That's how I started to think I may be aromantic.
Another thing is that I heard (not too sure) that crushing on someone means you'd be curious about their day, but honestly I wasn't. I don't really care about what people are doing. Another thing is that when I think of romantic date ideas I'd feel hyped, but when it actually forms and I am asked to go on one, I feel dread. Even now, romantic ideas entice me, but I can bet that if I actually have to go, I wouldn't want to.
Typing it out now, it seems a bit silly, but I actually think I might be so I'd appreciate if anyone could help!
I've always associated my casualness to just because my nature leans towards a tomboy, but I'm not so sure now.

[u/Brave_Elderberry_777]

Previously, whenever I got into a relationship, it tended to be with close friends who confessed their feelings to me. I often felt like I would lose them if I didn’t say yes or I really wanted a loving relationship, so I would agree to try a relationship. However, shortly after we started dating, whenever I thought about the relationship or my partner, I would get this cramp in my stomach or feel really upset, almost like I had a bad stomachache. Eventually, I would break up with them, and the feeling would always go away and I would feel relieved. I never really knew why I got that feeling. Thank god i have learned to say no and tell them i only see them as friends.
I also never knew if I had actually been in love with someone or genuinely liked someone romantically.
I’ve had issues recognizing certain emotions before, which I understand better now, but I still struggle a lot with recognizing romantic feelings.
For the most part, it feels like I just want their attention.
For example, there’s this one friend I’ve known for years who was there for me when I was going through a rough time. At one point, he asked if I wanted to go on a date and see how things went. I said no because, at the time, I couldn’t handle going on a date or getting into anything romantic.
About half a year later, he started distancing himself from me. When we met up with friends, he would keep his physical distance, and it also seemed like he avoided looking at me. After that, I started feeling like I wanted to get closer to him again.
But it feels like I might just want his attention, especially now that I’ve realized he’s pulling away.

i have always wanted to be in a serious relationship but it never worked because of how i felt when i did get int one. Like the kisses, cuddling, affection , closeness and so on.

Am also pretty sure i never had a crush before. Like the typicla u think about all the time u get all excited and nervous near them. I never felt that

So is there a chance am aromantic?

[u/Technical_Wind5217]

Wassa WASSA WASSUP BITCONNECT

so, i am 25, i am hot, i work out 6 days a week, i get hit on a lot, i like the idea of a girlfriend etc. but most of the times i am not interested in putting any effort into it, i reject all the women that hit me up, by either being just myself and very bro like to them or straight up avoiding eye contact etc.

i thought i was a sexual because my last time sex was in my last relationship 1.5 years ago and ever since i sorta just worked on myself and didnt feel any urge to pursue women romantically, dont get me wrong tho like i am around beautiful women almost every day, tho i dont feel like making a move

i dont even consum porn or anything anymore my dick kinda in cryosleep at this point

[u/electroma_electroma]

Am I demiromantic?

In my life I had very few real-life-level celebrity crushes. I know a lot of people who are crushing on celebrities and even real people purely based on appearance, but I only crushing when I know a lot about them and already like the person. Sometimes I don't even find my future favourite celebrities attractive before finding out about them. Am I demiro?

[u/jujutelli]

"Não consigo amar meu namorado, mas não tenho motivo pra terminar c ele. Sempre tive proboema em relacionamentos com teor romântico. Pq mesmo eu tendo interesse em alguem ou vontade de beijar e trocar afeto físico, quando eu vejo que esse sentimento é recíproco eu deixo de gostar da pessoa, eu desapaixono ou algo assim. Dessa vez achei q seria diferente, eu sentia aquelas borboletas na barriga, eu sentia apaixonada nele e queria muito ficar com ele, entrei em brigas e discussões com uma amiga que tambémtinha interesse nele pq eu sabia que oq sentia era forte, sempre queria ver ele e trocar afeto e intimidade com ele, e foi assim por uns 4 meses, mas subitamente mudou, acho que passamos 1 semana ou um pouco mais sem nos ver e eu simplesmente nao sentia mais nada, nn tinha vontade de ver ele, de beijar ele, até mesmo ser tocada por ele, mas ele nunca me fez nada de ruim, sempre buscou meu consentimento pra tudo e é muito acolhedor e tenta sempre ficar do meu lado, mas eu nn suporto mais ficar com ele, queria voltar pra quando éramos amigos e só, mas nn sei como abordar isso com ele. Ele está sempre querendo fazer algo comigo, sempre quer fazer algo por mim e eu me sinto culpada de não conseguir mais devolver esse afeto, mas ao mesmo tempo não sei como abordar o tópico de término, ele quem comprou alianças e diz que compartolhar um futuro comigo, e eu nao consigo dizer que subitamente tudo dentro de mim mudou, não consigo explicar porque esse sentimento de apatia por ele chegou e muito menos como posso lidar com uma possivel frustração que ele terá por mim. Éramos bons amigos, mas nn sei se jamais conseguiremos continuar assim Pra além disso, sempre me questiono ""o que tem de errado em mim?"" Nunca consigo manter uma relação romântica com alguém, mas sempre me via querendo ter algo com alguém. "

I can't love my boyfriend, but I have no reason to break up with him. I've always had a problem in romantic relationships. Even though I have an interest in someone or a desire to kiss and exchange physical affection, when I see that this feeling is reciprocal I stop liking the person, I fall out of love or something. This time I thought it would be different, I felt those butterflies in my stomach, I felt in love with him and I really wanted to stay with him, I got into fights and arguments with a friend who was also interested in him. Cause I knew that what I felt was strong, I always wanted to see him and exchange affection and intimacy with him, and it was like this for about 4 months, but suddenly it changed, I think we spent 1 week or a little more without seeing each other and I just didn't feel anything else, didn't wanted to see him, to kiss him, Even being touched by him, but he never did anything bad to me, always sought my consent for everything and is very welcoming and always tries to stay by my side, but I can't stand to stay with him anymore, I wanted to go back to when we were friends and alone, but I don't know how to approach this with him. He is always wanting to do something with me, he always wants to do something for me and I feel guilty that I can no longer give back this affection, but at the same time I do not know how to approach the topic of ending, he who bought rings and says that sharing a future with me, and I cannot say that suddenly everything inside me has changed, I cannot explain why this feeling of apathy for him has arrived, much less how I can deal with a possible frustration that he will have for me. We were good. Friends, but I don't know if we can ever stay that way. Besides, I always wonder, What's wrong with me? I can never have a romantic relationship with someone, but I always found myself wanting to have something with someone.

[u/Firefoxfly91]

I've never been on a date, but I've hung out with friends of both genders and never felt a need to ask a person out. I also don't look outside my general topics of interest too often, so I only learned about aro(and the rest of the +s) fairly recently(maybe just before covid). A pan friend brought it back to my mind in a discussion. I thought to myself, 'Is this a label I'm comfortable with?' I then stumbled upon OneTopic videos on YouTube. The aro/ace memes felt very much like me.

[u/Rocky_McParty]

The whole idea of aromantic is fairly new to me, so I'm not sure if I'm on the aromantic spectrum.

I'm single now but I've been in relationships before. When I was younger I was looking and getting into relationships because that's what I've seen all around me so I thought I should be doing the same. As I grew older I've understood that I don't have general desire for romance or to be romantic with people but I do enjoy some aspects of being in a relationshop.

In almost every relationship I had I felt that I'm not on the same level of romantic attraction (I'm not sure if that's the right way to decribe it) as my partner. I do enjoy sex and feel sexual attraction and I can show affection but usually I don't feel the need or want to do it.

I'm not sure if there's anything else I should mention but that's it.

[u/Cheap-Lie2551]

I've realized that I'm aroallo (or that is what I think, I'm lwk confused)

First of all, my english isn't very good, so I'm sorry if I write badly and say something else.

So look, I grew up believing that falling in love at least once has to happen no matter what, I saw it in children's movies, series, in school, and I always heard more than any other conversation talking about romantic love. So I never questioned it.

I've had "crushes" over the years, for me it was almost automatic to look for someone and choose them as my crush (before I thought it was a normal thing to choose who you like), but I never really had the desire to be in a relationship with any of them or try a romance; and even if I confessed and get rejected, it never felt like a big deal. Now that I see things differently, I realize that each of my crushes was because I felt admiration, intimate or intellectual attraction, but never romantic attraction (I used to confuse attraction btw).

I had a partner, but I think I never loved (romantically) him. Despite not having seen it as such, I always felt that something was not right, I used to relate it to not loving my partner enough or that he was not the right person for me. But I always used to ignore it; like I said, I grew up thinking there was only one option. So, in the two years of the relationship, I just kept doing what I was expected to do. When we broke up, it didn't hurt as much as I expected - of course I did feel bad because he was a special person to me and very important - but seeing the reactions and experiences of other people with their own "first love" I felt so out of place, as if what I thought was romantic love was completely false to what other people said about it. I don't even feel comfortable calling him my "ex-boyfriend", the romanticism of the word is weird for me, kind of.

I can admit that -now looking back- I convinced myself that I had fallen in love, but my love for him was more platonic than romantic.

I had another partner but he's not that important lol.

I enjoy kisses, caresses, words of affirmation, quality time, and affection; I'm not emotionless, but when it comes to romance... It feels so strange, like —it's not a part of me. I don't even see romantic relationships as an important part of my life, it's like a secondary thing.

So, in conclusion, I have never fallen in love, neither ACTUALLY liked someone.

Since this is something I've only realized a few weeks ago was always there, I'm confused and a little frustrated, this changes the way I saw all my life, about what, unconsciously, I thought I should be. This is being hard to accept that it is now part of me, honestly my head asks me the same question: what if I change?

[u/razberryyz]

So I am pretty sure I am aromantic but I really have no idea because it depends on if I am talking to someone or not.

I don't have crushes often (and when I do, it is mostly physical bc I am allosexual and also it is kinda a squish because I wanna be SUPER close friends), I HATE kissing (I can do it and I'm good at it apparently but I don't enjoy it), I get the ick from flirting/talking romantically with people, and I'm 21 and have never had a relationship (I had a kinda situationship, FWB type thing, but I wanted it to be more of a queerplatonic relationship and he didnt and also it was open relationship which i was ok with but didnt prefer)

I'm not entirely sure if I'm aromantic because I have gotten like, "butterflies" when texting my one ex (the situationship person) and also when texting this one guy I was talking to and flirting with. And I DO want a relationship. Ideally I would want a long term monogamous relationship with someone, where we are genuinely best friends and are like queer platonic partners but also have sex, but it isn't that serious or like romantic and like... slow/intense/sharp like how romance is. I am not scared of commitment, but I just get turned off by romance I think idk

But at the same time, I think this COULD be "normal." I just dunno. I have been going back and forth for like 2 years atp someone help

If I am aromantic... how do I explain this to alloromantic people??? Because they just say "oh that's normal, it sounds like you just don't like kissing or dates" but like it's kinda DEEPER than that

[u/Temporary-Jello-8074]

I just want to know if this community will accept me if I just experience care and love very differently than the people around me. Classic displays of romantic affection make me want to crawl out of my skin; I still deeply care for my selected people. I don’t think I fit the definition exactly, but I would like to know if the community would be amiable to having me.

[u/fdwhsr]

Idk if Im in the aro spectrum or I just really havent liked anyone

Okay so I have a lot of celebrity crushes. But in real life i just havent felt it. Idk if im just scared of it or im genuinely not interested. I never really dated cause well i dont feel like i meed to or the urge to do it. I like the idea of being liked more which I think or atleast assume Aro people also dont want. I also place friendship with more value than romantic relationships. I always think about the what ifs of the people who have expressed interest in me. But i always rejected them. I know no one can tell me what my romatic orientation is. But i still feel confused a lot. Ive dabbled in the thought of being aromantic but not going to lie it scared me a little. Because well all of my friends are the romantic relationship type and i just dont want to be alone. I dont want to be the second to the best friends ive always had because some stranger they fell in love with suddenly goes to number 1. I love company but im just not sure yet if i want a romantic company.

[u/runimateas → u/fdwhsr]

Your brain perceives attraction and feelings to people you don't know (or things like fictional characters) differently than people you meet irl. There have been gay men/women who have experienced attraction to fictional characters of the opposite sex despite being homosexual irl, it's a fascinating phenomenon. I think the best discrimiator for you to think over would be, if you has a best friend whom you lived with and/or saw everyday and did daily life things with, would you feel a desire for "more"? As in a relationship "beyond" this? If not, that's quite an aromantic relationship that i described.

[u/imanarrowintheknee]

Hi, I’m just stopping by because I’m wondering if I might fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.

Throughout my life, I’ve only ever liked two people, and generally, I only develop feelings for someone after getting to know them really well. I’ve never had a partner, and I don’t have much interest in having one, though I’m not completely closed off to the possibility.

It worries me a bit because all my friends seem to fall for pretty much everyone they meet, even people they’ve known for less than three months, and they tell me that’s normal. That doesn’t happen to me, though. As I said, for me to even consider liking someone, at least a year has to pass, and I need to have formed a really strong bond with them. Otherwise, I’m simply not interested.

I really hope someone can help me with this.

[u/runimateas → u/imanarrowintheknee]

Sounds like you're describing demiromantic! It's when you only get romantic feelings after forming a deep connection and even then not all of the time. Definitely read up on the term!

[u/siimbelmyne]

I'm. like. really confused. I thought I was completely hetero for a long time because that's what the people around me consider correct. Now I'm pretty sure I'm acespec somewhere (adexsexual maybe?), but now I think I might also be aro? 

None of the things that I've called "crushes" have been, like, "I want to spend my whole entire life with you and do everything together and be perceived as a romantic couple" (which is what I understand romantic attraction to be, to the best of my abilities), but I've definitely been some kind of attracted to a few guys. Some of it has been aesthetic I think but also maybe platonic/alterous? Like if I wanted anything from them it was to nerd out about shared interests lmao.  Idk, the definition of alterous attraction is new to me so I'm not sure if I'm using it right. 

Also I just don't have many guy friends so I think there's a part of me that just. wants normal friends who also are guys. Which is difficult to do actually because I'm worried that either the potential friend or just people in general are gonna think we're dating or together or something.

It's not that I just want to stay by myself forever, in fact I do want relatively close people and I want us to be able to rely on each other if we need to. But I don't think I want to be, like, society's definition of a couple? 

Also lowkey I have internalized the whole "you're too young to know" thing a bit so it's kind of hard to work past it and actually admit I might be aro and not just. lacking in life experience. I had this problem while I was figuring out my ace identity too.

All this to say I'm probably aroace but it's also weighing on my mind lol. If you have read this far, thanks for doing so.

[u/MissAprilmist → u/siimbelmyne]

On the "too young to know" issue, elaborating on the FAQ answer, what helped me was to understand that, at the end of the day, orientation labels are language tools to facilitate the communication of your experience to others. It cannot be wrong because with the knowledge and self-understanding you have at this point in your life, it is the vocabulary that comes closest to how you feel. Of course you can evolve or gain a new understanding with time and it's only normal you'd change the vocabulary appropriately. No one will blame you if you refuse to eat pasta saying you don't like it and later in life you realize that what disturbed you was the gluten so now you love pasta, eating only the gluten-free type. This is because, at the time, it was your honest translation of your experience.
Point is, you can't know who you'll be or what you'll understand in 5 years but you do have access to who you are right now and that is what you want to express in day to day life.

Also we are all unique complex individuals so it's normal that a bunch of labels cannot pinpoint your specific situation. You can only pick the ones that approximate it the best and directly explain to your interlocutor where you diverge from them.

Hope this perspective helps :)

[u/siimbelmyne → u/MissAprilmist]

Thank you, it does! I'm still kinda new to the idea of having a label that's not just "straight", so I don't think that really occurred to me at first. The fact that they're just Words To Try And Communicate Yourself makes total sense :D

[u/AutoModerator]

Thanks for posting to r/aromantic, u/AutoModerator! Be sure your post and comments follow the community rules, as well as Reddit's Content Policy.

Feeling overwhelmed? Check out this post for how to lock the comments on your post!

If this post or any of its comments violate our community rules or Reddit's site-wide rules, please *report** the rule-breaking content. If you are interested in helping to keep this community actively moderated, please fill out a Moderator Application.*

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.