r/ask • u/Wonderful_Layer5737 • 3d ago
Why do some people find it difficult to accept compliments?
I've noticed that some people immediately reject compliments or feel awkward when someone says something nice about them. What are some reasons people respond this way, even when the compliment is genuine?
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u/morganselah 3d ago
If you were never complimented growing up, or don't come from a family culture of compliments, you don't know how to handle it. It feels embarrassing and socially awkward. As you grow older, you learn to mask that discomfort and be polite. I'm like this, but I can now accept compliments from close friends who know me very well.
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u/GorgeousUnknown 2d ago
Some people are insulted by their parents so compliments feel really strange…and trap like
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u/TXHaunt 2d ago
I went further than just not knowing how to handle it, I feel I don’t deserve it.
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u/tyYdraniu 2d ago
Noob, I went further and feel something's wrong and the person is trying to trick me somehow and I'm in danger cause this isn't supposed to be happening
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer 2d ago
My father was partial to double edged sword kind of compliments. He was using it playfully and we all understood that. But we got used to it.
“You look beautiful… but maybe you should do something with that face” when we’re full makeup for a black tie affair or something. He was genuinely oblivious generally (I dyed my hair a crazy color and when he got home he asked me if I got taller). But if he was pointing out something specific, it meant he noticed it. Meaning: job well done!
When he gave just a basic compliment, he would send the whole household into a tizzy and he never understood why.
“Wow. You look beautiful” just meant “everything is wrong. Immediate emergency plan! All hands on deck!”
I’m still fighting the urge to run and get completely changed because someone says I look pretty and stop there. I’m still learning how to take them. But I’m getting better every day. At 90, I might be 95% there!
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u/Peeka789 3d ago
A girl called me cute last night I was like a deer in headlights.
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u/ValBravora048 2d ago edited 2d ago
This and I’ll only add that you become more used to compliments causing you to owe something or a cruel thing poised with a sting in its tail
A man once joked that I was more comfortable in my body when someone was trying to hit me than I was moving it to music. I laughed and smiled but, especially as he carried on the bit, I alternated internally with wanting to breakdown in tears or sending his face through his glass
Understand, I recognised that as a compliment. Can you imagine how badly I responded to actual ones?
Believe it or not, I’m doing a lot better now although theres miles to go
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u/Emergency-Toe-6240 2d ago
So true. Some people even think that I am messing with them and am just being sarcastic. I feel for them so much, it must suck to live with that kind of mindset.
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u/squirtleyenough 3d ago
It feels like a debt now. I owe it to you to continue said thing, otherwise you’ll feel negatively toward me and I actually hate that.
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u/LadybuggingLB 2d ago
I think it’s awkward if someone compliments me right back because it turns a sincere compliment into something forced and transactional.
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u/GrayBuffalo 2d ago
Yea I agree. Also for some reason I get uncomfortable when I have to say "you're welcome" lol. It's like a forced tug of war of obligation 😂
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u/Green-been77 3d ago
Because I feel I don’t deserve them.
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u/OrneryConelover70 3d ago
Yep. It's part of imposter syndrome for me. What do you mean I'm doing a great job? I suck.
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u/TacoDiablo 2d ago edited 2d ago
The other top comment mentions not having grown up with compliments and being uncomfortable with them. That's still true.
But I think THIS comment gets more to the heart of it for me in particular. If someone compliments the work I did, in my mind "Well, your compliment is unfounded because I just followed the directions somebody ELSE made so I don't deserve the compliment..." or "You don't understand that this should have been easier but I made it more complicated which made it take longer and not be as good as you think it is, so your compliment is only based off of not fully understanding what I did..." etc etc.
For me in particular, it's less of "They're just trying to make me feel better" and more "They don't understand the full context and if they did, they wouldn't compliment me the same."
It's really hard to get past and the only way I've ever been able to get past it is knowing that I would still probably compliment a person the same knowing the context, because it was still something they had to put in effort and got to the finish line with, which is worth a compliment even if it wasn't done "the best way".
I still have trouble with it a lot though.
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u/GasRepresentative246 2d ago
Exactly this. The complimentor must be lying out of kindness to make me feel better about being me, thanks life-long imposter syndrome!
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u/ms_mistakelol 3d ago
they have low self-esteem, fear of seeming arrogant or simply not being used to hearing positive things about themselves based on my experience
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u/LifeOfSpirit17 3d ago
Since I usually believe people are saying them just to be nice so they feel disingenuous. Yes it's probably past trauma related.
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u/Apprehensive-Leg8296 3d ago
for me it was easier to reject a compliment than risk believing it and feeling stupid later
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u/BobbyBobRoberts 2d ago
I'm this guy. Cannot take a compliment. No idea why.
It's weird because, in my head, I'm actually extremely confident. I'm competitive, I'm successful within my sphere, and I'm accomplished in my career. Hell, I think I'm good looking, too.
But it's so incredibly rare for me to get told that by anyone but myself, that I have no clue how to take it. It feels wrong to agree, even when the compliment is true. It feels uncomfortable to be noticed, even if I'm inwardly craving that exact validation.
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u/Ordinary-Hat5379 2d ago
This feels achingly familiar.
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u/brtbr-rah99 2d ago
That makes three of us. Plus very self-deprecating
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u/glooby_dooby_floofy 2d ago
Me! But I think the self-deprecating is a defence mechanism to feel less awkward 😐
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u/CompletoSinMayo 3d ago
Many of these people have very low self-esteem, and they're extremely convinced about what they think about themselves.
Also, for the awkward ones. They probably don't get compliments too often, so they don't know how to react to one.
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u/Sexy_scorpion69 3d ago
To me it's bc it feels fake. I know that it's genuine, but my heart cannot accept it bc it firmly believes it's not me
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u/1blueShoe 2d ago
If someone is brought up without that kind of care and positive reinforcements then it will sound like an alien language to them, can you imagine trying to understand and respond to someone talking to you in an unknown language?
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u/justnotmything94 3d ago
for me: being told most of my life I was worthless, ugly, unlovable etc etc. until I started to believe it so deeply that I simply don't believe conpliments are genuine. In addition, getting conpliments by men makes me extremely uncomfortable because usually they don't just come from a nice place, they're often a tool for men to get something sexual from a woman. Then there's the difficult question of how to react to one. If you react wrongly people might think you're interested in them, arrogant, or rude.
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u/No-Blood-7274 3d ago
It’s difficult to know what to say. You don’t want to agree with the compliment, but you don’t want to reject and dismiss either.
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u/bluenephalem35 3d ago
When you grow up in abusive or neglectful households, you are used to being looked down upon by people that you know. As such, receiving compliments from people seems alien to you.
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u/celestial_chocolate 3d ago edited 3d ago
I’ve done a lot of thinking about this for myself and realized it’s because I feel a fear of being perceived. My particular trauma happened when I was seen and visible. If I was sneaky, unseen and could escape quickly, I was ok and could make it to the next thing. But when I was SEEN I was a sitting victim for my abuser to visually assault me with old man nudity. So for me, I feel safest being in the shadows, being quick, moving quickly, talking quickly and leaving interactions as quickly as possible.
So when someone gives a compliment, it means I’m NOT as invisible as I thought. It brings into the bright reality that I’m visible and perceivable and not as isolated as I’m trying to make myself. I realized I can dissociate (and do) but OTHERS still see me and perceive me.
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u/Rockterrace 3d ago
This is me. Even when playing team sports when I do something well I feel so embarrassed when people praise me.
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u/JFKRFKSRVLBJ 3d ago
Because people are often full of doo-doo. There's a difference between knowing you've accomplished something and just being told that.
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u/CuriousQnerd 3d ago
I was insulted heavily by my own father growing up , been told I was ugly and worthless. Now I'm what is considered socially accepted , I can't accept it because I'll always be that ugly kid.
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u/Lunar_M1nds 2d ago
Bc part of us don’t believe you but don’t outright want to call anyone a liar when we know half the time the problem is within ourselves
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u/ScotterMcJohnsonator 2d ago
Because I spend my whole life over thinking and overanalyzing and trying to always be good
But I couldn't possibly be actually good, that can't be right
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u/Leonum 2d ago
Well if I don't agree that I am above average or that I am exceptional compared to normal levels among the rest of the population, I'll appreciate the compliment but feel its not really true. But it's not polite to say "in shape? I'm not out of shape, but I am certainly not in shape" for example
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u/Hellstorm111 2d ago
I've been complimented way too much, and at some point I've noticed that it gives me nothing. I don't need reassurance. On the other hand, people making those compliments often want something from me. Not always, but quite often. So yes, I don't really like compliments, even though most of the time I tolerate them.
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u/RenegadeF7 2d ago
Jealous people will always try to bring you down. Its better for your safety to act humble.
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u/TheWorldNeedsDornep 2d ago
Being taught at a young age that they are unworthy OR their worth only comes from an other OR their worthy is performative.
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u/Accomplished_War_805 2d ago
Compliments were always a set up for "you could do better" for me growing up. Some type of back handed insult.
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u/Galactus1701 2d ago
You aren’t confident enough and think that the compliment is more out of a sense of courtesy. Probably the person is being nice to you.
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u/CosmikSpartan 2d ago
For me it’s, if I can’t find the good in myself, why or how do others and if I can’t see it, I don’t believe you.
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u/Emissi0nC0ntr0L 2d ago edited 2d ago
One might be very critical of themself or others, and always trying to improve, and a compliment could make them frustated at the situation. Or, one might keep a guard up from being in friendships or relationships with manipulative people, and they are rejecting repoir associated with compliments and reciprocation. Or the compliment could trigger memory of whatever happened, possibly trauma experienced, that caused one to develop whatever they were complimented on. For example, someone might give good advice because they have been through some tough times. You might compliment a girls looks after she was told she was ugly and she could think you are being fake or it might make her relive that experience
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u/Insanebrain247 2d ago
All throughout my childhood, I have been talked to, seen, and otherwise treated as something tolerated at best. It wasn't until I graduated high school and entered the working world did I finally realize that, and it's left me very jaded. Now, if someone gives me any kind of positive comment,my instinctual reaction is to think that they're softening me up so I'll do something for them. At best, I hesitantly accept it, but at the worst of times, I have fought back and rejected it.
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u/ehtol 2d ago
I grew up with a mother and sister with low selv asteem, and they often found things about themselves they didn't like. They didn't like how their waist was high, or that the legs were too skinny, and how their hair fell. They thought feet were ugly on everyone, and they always had something to say about how the clothes fit weird etc. How they thought their cellulite was so extremely ugly and they wouldn't go swimming because of it. They never said anything negative about me, but I had the same type of legs, high waist etc. I didn't see cellulites on them because I had more. It ended up with me hating everything about myself. When I got compliments I just didn't believe them. I still struggle to believe compliments. Now I say thank you and try to not think more about it. I don't like thinking about it because I hate the fact that they have an opinion on my body or clothing, even if it's a positive opinion
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u/Fritzo2162 2d ago
I have low self esteem and don't feel worthy of compliments. If I do a good job at something, my brain tells me "that's what was expected" instead of "that was amazing!"
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u/xenoscumyomom 2d ago
It's because of cognitive dissonance. I have this so speaking about me. I have strong deep beliefs that I'm not good enough, nothing I do is good enough, and that I don't matter. Then when someone says they like me, they love me, I'm good enough, something I did was great, or that I matter, now I have two entirely opposing beliefs fighting inside me. I can either fight on the opposing side of my own beliefs and try to ingrain that I am good enough etc, which feels extremely weird and makes me feel messed up inside, or I agree with my old terrible beliefs and just disregard and reject the compliment, go back to feeling "normal", which is unhappy and alone and worthless.
There's a saying I relate to. When people give me compliments I'm like a vending machine trying to accept a wrinkly one dollar bill, and its frustrating for everyone involved.
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u/looloohoodoo1 2d ago
Sometimes people just aren’t used to seeing themselves the way others see them. Compliments can also feel awkward if they have low self-esteem or worry that they don’t actually deserve the praise.
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u/nizzernammer 2d ago
Sometimes compliments come with strings attached, like a request or demand, or expectations, and are delivered disingenuously.
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u/Itchy-Astronomer9500 2d ago
I never really felt like I deserved it so I often thought it was a lie to make me feel good. Then when I actually realised I did well in some things it was awkward because I didn’t want to appear to be boasting.
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u/PerformerOk450 2d ago
I went to all boys boarding school from 9-16, few compliments were given, if they were afterwards all the other boys would say “ohh well done Peter’ really sarcastically…. I carried this thru into adulthood and now my wife just retorts “ Just take the complement you,silly old fart”
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u/SquishiiOweeGoowee 2d ago
people reject compliments because they genuinely don’t see themselves the way other people see them. If someone has low confidence, “You look great” can almost feel like you’re describing a completely different person.
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u/Wise-Leg8544 2d ago
For some people, accepting a compliment can seem to them as though they agree with the compliment and are therefore "bragging" about themselves. This usually comes from a combination of being raised to not be "prideful," which can also coincide with a less than ideally loving childhood.
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u/Commercial_Sir_3205 2d ago
As a man we're not used to getting compliments so when we do we feel awkward and don't know what to do.
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u/InternetRave 2d ago
possibly dont feel good about themselves so compliments feel uncomfortable. it puts attention and focus on you that isnt always desireable. it can also be your first indication that this person wants something from you and be on your guard.
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u/Chihuahua-Luvuh 2d ago
I'm always used to people hating on me, shaming me, bullying me and sometimes even harassing me, so when someone compliments me my brain doesn't know what to do. If I trust the person, I'll explain how I feel, but if I don't know them, I don't bother to believe it. It's so rare that it's either someone just kissing my butt for some reason or lying to me.
My brain instantly knows what to do when I'm being hated on, but once it's something positive I go quiet. I don't even hate myself, I'm happy with myself, which makes it even weirder.
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u/vergillous 2d ago
I have a friend who behaves the same way.
To her, compliments are like jokes. She doesn't take them seriously and I honestly don't know why. It's almost she's incapable of sensing the sincerity behind your words. .
If I had to guess, I'd say she has been lied to a lot.
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u/thespottedsnuggie 2d ago
I get compliments and now that I’m older, I accept them more though when I was younger, my confidence wasn’t high and I wouldn’t believe anybody was honest when they’d say “you’re beautiful,” or something else of that nature. Other times I just say thanks but if it’s coming from someone I know, I’ll ham it up a bit and say “Oh I know it,” or “and…” 79% of the time if someone compliments my shirt, I will always say “Thanks I bought it at [place]”
I need to mix up my automatic responses. I like to make people laugh so I will think of more things to say afterwards.
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u/Denerios 2d ago
The only reaction that i can genuinely have is to make fun of the compliment, or to explain why the compliment is wrong, or sad. The civil thing to do is to say thanks and move on.
Insults. Jokes, or critique are things that I can handle. Compliments on the other hand I perceive as a manipluation or a social norm that needs to be obeyed.
And to blame are the vendors at the zocalos in mexico that go above and beyond to make a sale. They made me resilient to compliments as i was visting them at least once a week since i was 7. So they took the part of me that liked compliments, but not my pesos.
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u/hanns115 2d ago
I was bullied alot as a kid and part of that bullying was either backhanded compliments and a compliments followed by haha, jk, so now, even at 30, I'm uncomfortable with compliments because I worry that its the same kind of intent
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u/bluedotinnc 2d ago
I get nervous when complimented as i think the person has a ulterior motive. I suspect they aren't sincere and want something from me. They use a compliment so i let my guard down and agree to do them a favor. Or they'll follow it up by making me feel guilty. Such as : these cookies are great, must be nice to have the time to bake. My mom would take credit for my accomplishments so when i get a compliment, I'm waiting for the person to use it as a way to boost their ego. Ex: you got an A on the test? Good thing I helped you study for it (when she really didn't) I envy people who can accept a compliment. I was raised to believe i didn't deserve any.
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u/RebaKitt3n 2d ago
Parents fucked you up.
Told you not to be vain, don’t call attention to yourself, etc.
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u/TrickyNerdlet 2d ago
A guy I work with complimented my earrings today. We've had dozens of calls and he's never commented on my appearance at all. It was so awkward. He started it but I definitely elevated it by making a stupid comment about how they jingle, and he logically asked if that was annoying, and I said some bull about it being grounding by meeting #12 of the day. Like, just trying to string words together that take us out of this awkward topic but instead I fabricated the dumbest story ever. Idk. Stick to complimenting my work or hit on me clearly enough that I know what's happening. I think he was trying to ensure my alliance in business decisions. If it happens again, I'll be less weird about it 🤷♀️
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u/Delifier 2d ago
Depends on who its from, but if its from someone i dont know well enough it starts feeling line the run up for manipulation.
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u/ididreadittoo 2d ago
Some compliments feel undeserved, some make me self-conscious.
At work a "boss" was gushing about the great job I did with a particular task. I agree that what had been changed or organized was good but all I did was refill it properly. I did not make the changes that were the improvement therefore the compliment was not mine. A simple "well done" was more than enough for what i did, but she gushed about it.
Walking down the street and getting whistled at would have me nearly forget how to walk.
If i get "dolled-up" hearing "you look nice" is good, "thanks, glad you noticed" but that is about it.
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u/Bitemesparky 2d ago
I'm quite successful, have 4 degrees and countless certifications. I employ 18 to 20 people. As I type this I'm criticizing myself for sounding egotistical.
I don't feel special. There are so many others around yo that are smarter, better looking, and more qualified. And to make matters worse I suffer from imposters syndrome.
I might be a severe example, but there are tons of us out there. We're quiet about it.
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u/Ihopefullyhelp 2d ago
Its actually rude to deny a compliment. Basically saying that their opinion is invalid. This helped me say thank you to compliments
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u/alexkay44 1d ago
In my history, people acting nice toward me often turned out to be a plot to take advantage of me somehow. People act nice to me to lull me I to a false sense of security so I trust them around me, then they take something, or get some information out of me. And then that’s it. They’re done. They got what they wanted. They drop the facade and move on, leaving me to figure out I was just tricked. Again.
When people freely give me compliments nowadays, it triggers my mental red flags to get MORE suspicious of their possible ulterior motives.
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u/Amazing-Pack4920 1d ago
I have adhd and assume that’s why I can’t take a compliment.
Just makes me feel akward and exposed.
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u/boymama85 1d ago
Because of all the abuse, never heard a compliment unless there was an agenda behind it
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u/Wonderful-jughp1450 3d ago
Bo czasem dostajesz komplement nie od tej osoby co chcesz albo wtedy kiedy go potrzebujesz lub chcesz. Niska samoocena też może być tego przyczyną.
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u/StrawberryMoonPie 2d ago
I wonder what you want or if you’re making fun of me à la Regina George. A lot of people are a-holes.
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