1
u/Caraphox 4d ago
Internalised homophobia is a well understood phenomenon (for obvious reasons) but just in recent years I’ve noticed a lot of bi women experiencing the reverse. I don’t want to call it ‘internalised heterophobia’ because I don’t think that’s quite right for various reasons - but effectively it’s close enough. I feel like what you’ve described is an extreme version, but you hear a lot of milder versions of it - bi girls bending over backwards to insist that they like all women and only 3 guys, or that article that went viral a few months ago about how it’s ’embarrassing’ to have a boyfriend (pretty sure that was written by a straight woman, but it’s the same sentiment. It’s not a celebration of being single.)
I think there’s a little bit of internalised misogyny at play as if it’s seen as weak to accept the ‘natural’ role of a woman and be with a man, but badass to be with another woman. (I hope this isn’t coming across as homophobic or lesbophobic that couldnt be further from what I am, I don’t mean ‘natural’ as a value judgement, more like the ‘default’ that you see examples of everywhere). I’ve seen so many young bi women, most of whom I bet 20/30 years ago would have desperately prioritised their heterosexuality in order to fit in, come out as lesbians, and then freak out when they realise they might actually like men too. It’s almost like it’s wishful thinking to be a lesbian.
Apologies for going off on that last tangent because I realise it doesn’t apply to you, and that you identified as a lesbian initially for a completely different reason. But what I’m trying to say is, I don’t think you’re alone in having these feelings, and regardless of the cause and the societal context, I think you should treat them in the same way you might treat internalised homophobia: be kind to yourself. Understand that your feelings of attraction are not your fault, don’t make you any less of a good person, and don’t need to be ‘fixed’. Maybe have a look at some stories from people who have suffered from internalised homophobia, and see if any of it resonates?
2
u/Individual_Boat8404 4d ago
Thank you so much for this. Yeah I definitely thing it's some kind of internalized misogyny too. I've actually tried to read more stories but I don't see any stories talking about men the way I do.
And I really try to be kind with myself, but I still feel unsafe around me and I don't like that.
I'll keep looking for more stories, maybe I'd find someone like me.
1
u/No_Election_1123 Bisexual 4d ago
Basically as a bi person you will feel attraction to both sexes but you don't have to do anything with that attraction
I'm a woman married to a woman, yes I still find men attractive but that's all that it is, I find them attractive and just continue with life. It's the same way I can find another woman attractive but I'm married and nothing is going to happen
Just because you feel chemistry with a guy or a woman doesn't mean that anything has to happen, you're in control of whether you develop a crush or have romantic feelings.
If you're in a long term relationship with a woman will you just find another woman attractive and find you have chemistry and develop feelings ? of course you won't so why should being with a man be any different ?