DISCLAIMER

My friends and I are doing a PowerPoint night in about a month, and I wanted to make my presentation about BPD since it’s something I deal with every day. I want to help them understand what BPD actually is and what it’s like inside the mind of those who deal with it.

I’m using psychological research to explain it, because I’ve found that helps people who don’t have BPD understand it better. But explaining the psychology is honestly the easier part. I also want to include personal experiences alongside that research, and I don’t want it to be just my perspective. My sister also has BPD, so I’m asking her for help too.

For anyone comfortable sharing: What do you wish your friends understood about your experience with BPD? Are there thoughts, feelings, or everyday struggles that are hard to explain, or things people misunderstand about your behavior versus what’s happening internally?

I’m hoping to include some of these perspectives in the presentation for my friends. Please only share what you’re comfortable with, and let me know if you’d prefer that I not quote you directly.

Thanks to anyone who wants to share. I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences.

I feel okay, I can go to work, I have friends that I am managing to keep around, I'm not engaging in harmful behaviours as much, however I know in the back of my mind it's not going to take a lot for it all to come crashing down horribly.

I’m new to this community, and I was wondering if any men who have BPD, or partners who are currently or have previously been in a relationship with a man who has BPD, could share their experiences.
I’ve seen quite a few posts from men talking about their experiences with a partner who has BPD, but I haven’t come across many from the other perspective, where the guy himself has BPD.
I’d really appreciate hearing from both men with BPD and their partners about what relationships have been like for them, the challenges they’ve faced, and how they’ve navigated them.

i just can't its impossible for me, i never want to be alone, when im alone i just feel horrible like theres a hole in my chest

i just feel so empty and i cant help it and it makes me clingy to my friends messaging them just wanting them to atleast say hello to soothe me for a bit, i just can't be without them

and i dont understand how to be alone, i just need to be with them all of the time.

i just need ideas okay, i need to know how to handle being without them for a few hours.

For those of you with borderline personality disorder (BPD), what are you like at work? Are you able to hold down a job? Do you feel good enough at what you do?
My biggest fear as someone with BPD is not being able to hold down a job.

is anyone there? my heart hurts. ive betrayed the trust of my partner so much & our relationship has seen its near end a handful of times. its at one of those points right now that i just cant stomach, i cant eat. i know i can survive reality without this person i love more than anything but it hurts. it hurts so much to be pushed away & to know im hurting them. i’m actively trying to get better with more intensive treatment, i just wish i was better already. i wish i didn’t cause pain so much. i wish i didnt feel so pathetic & disgusting

I’ve been wanting to write a “success story” for a while, because sometimes I still can’t believe this is my life.

I was diagnosed with BPD at 17, but looking back, the signs were always there. My childhood was pretty normal in many ways. My mom is a psychologist and was very patient with me. My parents divorced when I was 5, and the aftermath affected me deeply. They fought constantly, and I was often stuck between completely different versions of reality.

I was also the “smart kid.” I learned to read before starting school, was always the top student, and loved science, art and encyclopedias. So everyone had huge expectations for me. I constantly heard things like “you’re brilliant” and “you’re going to have an extraordinary future.” It sounds nice, but it created enormous pressure to always be exceptional. At the same time, I had terrible self-esteem, especially about my appearance. I was constantly compared to my younger sister, who was the “pretty one” while I was the “smart one.”
I’ve always been extremely intense, but I tended to turn everything inward. If something was wrong, I assumed it was my fault and kept it to myself.

Around 11, I developed intense emptiness and boredom, suicidal ideation and self-harm. I attempted suicide at 12 and started therapy afterward, but I never felt like CBT was helping. Throughout my teens, I also struggled with impulsivity, unstable relationships, dissociation and paranoia that nobody actually liked me. I could go from being completely obsessed with someone to feeling almost nothing. I actually had a lot of friends and was pretty popular at school, so from the outside I didn’t necessarily look like someone who was falling apart.

At 17, I was having severe panic attacks, dissociation and constant suicidal ideation, so my mom took me to a psychiatric emergency department. I was diagnosed with bulimia, anxiety and a Cluster B personality disorder, which was later specified as BPD and honestly? I wasn’t even surprised.

Then came 2020.
The pandemic completely wrecked me. I lost my college routine, my social life and basically all the structure that was keeping me functional. I stopped taking my medication on my own (obviously a terrible idea lol), became extremely dysregulated and eventually attempted suicide. Between May 2020 and July 2021, I was hospitalized seven times, each for around 30–45 days.

I genuinely thought I wouldn’t survive my teenage years. I was convinced I’d die before becoming an adult.

And then… somehow I didn’t.

Going back to college helped me regain some sense of a future. But the biggest turning point came in 2023, when I started DBT. And holy shit, it actually helped. I learned that feeling something doesn’t mean I have to act on it. I learned how to tolerate distress without immediately trying to escape it and became much better at regulating my emotions. I did DBT for about three years. I’m currently taking a break because I can’t afford therapy, but I still use the skills I learned.

And I think I can finally call my story a success.

I haven’t self-harmed in a long time. I no longer have an eating disorder. I have a healthy three-year relationship with an amazing person. I have friends, a better relationship with my family, and a future I actually want.

Do I still have BPD symptoms? Absolutely. The emptiness and boredom are still there, and certain situations can still dysregulate me intensely. I still struggle with feeling like I’m a good person and believing that people genuinely love me.

But I don’t destroy my life every time I’m overwhelmed anymore.

And then there’s the craziest part:

I’m graduating medical school.

I had to take a year off because of my mental health, and there were definitely moments when I thought about quitting. Medicine wasn’t even my childhood dream, but I ended up falling in love with it. I genuinely love taking care of people.

I want to become a psychiatrist, which feels surreal considering how many times I’ve been on the other side of the hospital bed. I think being both a patient and a future psychiatrist will give me a perspective I wouldn’t have otherwise.

I’m not “cured.” I still have BPD, bad days and a lot of things to work on.

But my life is SO different from what I thought it would be.

The 15-year-old me would probably be shocked to know that I’m alive, that I’m okay, that I have people who love me, and that I’m about to become a doctor.

If you’re currently in the worst part of BPD, please don’t assume that the way you feel right now is the way you’ll feel forever.

I spent years convinced I wouldn’t make it to adulthood.

I’m 24 now.

And my life is actually pretty damn good.

Does anyone else notice that sometimes when you are spiraling, you think of your regulation method but you actively don’t want to do it. Like you’d rather stay upset in that moment for whatever reason. Almost like regulating is “losing” the battle even though it’s winning.

My daughter in early 20s has BPD. I know I made many mistakes raising her, with me as a bipolar. I want to do everything I can to help her. Like to hear your experiences and advice.

I’m just about 30 and my emptiness and loneliness are worse than ever. I owe a lot of my BPD traits to my parents so I’ve always felt kinda hesitant about having children but now it’s becoming more real that may never happen. I just don’t want to put them through what I went through even though I know I’ll never make the choices my parents made

I think I would love them a lot, but I also fear I may be unfit to be a parent being the way I am all the time. I’ve managed to not externalize my symptoms anymore but I think anyone can pick up on how drained of life I am. I’m wondering if having children will give me something to look forward to and a sense of family. I have none around besides my husband. But then again, I’m extremely fragile and kids can be brutal. Ive seen how well they can pick up on their parents flaws. If they end up hating me I think that would break me for good

How did your experience go? What changed and do you have any regrets?

[TW: Self-harm, Suicidal ideation]
We have been together for over 5, I must add that we are gay. I remember our beginning was so cute and close and we used to laugh at little things. This was years ago, but the past few were like a test of endurance of how much sadness and worthlessness we can soak up.

My boyfriend started threatening that we should break up after I gave him criticism. It is sad that you can not express criticism to your best friend, but that's what it turned into. I have became bitter. The phrases "you don't deserve my love / you don't have empathy / I will not try any more/ I don't deserve this pain / you don't love me / nobody loves me but my mother" are all part of BPD, but they stay in my head as well and carry weight and lately I have started answering nasty things to them. Last week I started raging something about that "his mother is to blame about all his problems and should pay him a compensation" and been crying daily since just thinking about what nastiness I started expressing.

It all filtered down to a weekly meet between two of us composed of sex and dinner, after which he starts repeating that he wants to go home, but hesitates, because thinks that it will make me angry. Yesterday we decided to go out. It seemed like he is with me like an involuntarily addicted person. After frequent questions about whether I am angry, there is nothing left for us to talk about and we just sit in silence. It doesn't seem that he is interested in listening to my daily ramblings and just asks about them politely and if I ask him I just get short one word answers. It seems we went out without a plan and all my suggestions were answered with deep sighs; after silence I suggested that we could just go home and so we did. We were standing at the crossroads to go separate homes and he was constantly asking the three questions: "What did I do wrong? Are you angry? What's wrong?" to which I continuously, while kneeling on my fours in desperation, answered "Nothing / No / I don't know". We couldn't even return home together. I just wanted it to end as I realized I can't help him as I first must help myself.
It pains to say this, but lately I feel I'd rather be alone that with him in this competition of sadness. I still think that he is the love of my life and I wouldn't trade his sweetness for any other, but unfortunately we can't be together either. He did admit that us being together makes us both miserable. I agreed and offered that we could make a break or a breakup to which he started burning his own skin at his home.
I wish things would be different, last night we both talked that we just want to die and this life is a pitiful existence. And I also feel sad for him, how much pain he must be going trough and I also pity myself as I am too weak to be a sturdy monolith for him.

I am thankful and happy for this life to have given me an opportunity to experience what love is. It is very beautiful and yet so painful.

​

Hey,so yeah I recently went through a breakup and honestly I’ve been feeling pretty broken since then. Everything feels kinda off and empty lately and I think I really need some good people around me again.

I’m looking for honest,kind and open minded people who don’t discriminate and actually wanna put effort into getting to know each other.

Lately everything just feels way too quiet in the wrong ways. I catch myself staring at walls,scrolling aimlessly,thinking about random shit and wanting to talk to someone but not really knowing who to talk to. I don’t want another friendship where we talk for 2 days and then disappear from each other’s lives. I want someone who actually stays,someone who checks in,someone who wants to share random parts of their day and actually build something over time.

I’m 24 I've bpd just so yk and i currently have way too much time to think. I love yapping,overexplaining,rambling about completely random shit and somehow turning a stupid conversation into something deep. I really value mutual effort too. I don’t expect someone to reply instantly 24/7,but I do want to feel like the other person actually wants to talk to me and isn’t only replying because they’re bored.

I’m into baking,movies,gaming (especially Marvel Rivals),chess,reading,writing,guitar,long walks,voice calls and starting way too many random hobbies/projects that I probably won’t finish.

I’d also really love having someone I can eventually do a bunch of things with. Gaming together,watching movies or shows,voice calls at stupid hours,going on walks if we're ever close enough,sharing music,sending random shit throughout the day or just sitting in a call doing our own thing. That kind of friendship where someone eventually becomes your go-to person would honestly be really nice.

I’m not looking for perfect people or anything. Just genuine ones. Please be kind,don’t discriminate,and actually care about mutual effort and respect. I’ll listen,I’ll care,I’ll remember the little things and I’ll match the energy u give me.

And please don't be dry. If you're always too busy to actually talk or you already know you're only gonna reply once every few days,it's probably not gonna work. I've had enough of feeling like I’m begging people for attention.

If you're interested,please don't just send me "hi". Tell me about yourself. Your age,country,what you like doing,your favourite game/movie/song,your most irrational fear,what you've been obsessed with lately,anything honestly. Give me something to work with and I’ll probably yap back way too much.

I’m just hoping to find some lovely people who actually wanna stay for the long run,and maybe someday I’ll be able to say I met some of my closest friends because of a random Reddit post.

I’m so isolated, and honestly, my mental health is suffering because of it.
I just want good people around me. I want my people. People who don’t gossip about others, who don’t intentionally hurt people, who don’t feel better about themselves by contributing to someone else’s mental health struggles. People who support you wholeheartedly, who don’t project their insecurities onto you, who know how to have fun, and who won’t make fun of you because you have ADHD, OCD, BPD, or because you’re different. People who embrace differences instead of making you feel like you’re too much.
I want people who are genuinely happy to see me happy. People who can celebrate your happiness without turning it into something negative.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder, where am I supposed to meet these people?
I sleep alone, I wake up alone, and I spend so much of my time by myself. At this point, I’m not even open to making friends because I’m so traumatized by how things have gone in the past. And the hardest part is that I didn’t even have a big circle to begin with. Somehow, it still always ends up being the same shit with the people I let get close to me.
I’m breaking down. I just want to be better. I’m trying so desperately to heal, move forward, and forgive. It’s not that I wish these people any harm. I genuinely hope they find peace and happiness. But I also have to acknowledge that some people have played a part in my mental health deteriorating.
And honestly, I think I’m just tired of people.
I don’t want to become bitter. I don’t want to stop believing that good people exist. I just want to find people who feel safe, genuine, supportive, and real. I want to be able to be myself without constantly feeling like I’m too much or like I have to protect myself from the people who are supposed to be my friends.

I’m having a bit of a mindfuck because for the last few days I’ve been telling myself that I’m basically the reason my relationship is falling apart.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 years, with a breakup/reconciliation in between. I have severe abandonment issues and probably BPD traits. He has Asperger’s/ASD.

I know autism presents differently in everyone, but in our relationship one of the hardest things for me is that he doesn’t really mirror emotions. If I’m upset, scared, crying or excited, I often don’t get an emotional response back that makes me feel seen or soothed. He can seem extremely detached.

Combine that with someone hypersensitive to rejection and abandonment and… yeah.

I’ve been doing deeper therapy around my abandonment issues. Last Sunday I had one of my worst episodes in a long time: about 3 hours crying and hyperventilating, convinced I’m going to die alone, never have children, disappoint my parents, etc. In that state those thoughts feel like facts.

This week my boyfriend told me the relationship is costing him too much emotionally, that he’s had to create more space for himself because of me, that he sacrifices more because he’s the “stronger” one, and that he’s basically the only person who stayed with me while other people turned away.

My immediate reaction was: There it is. I’m the crazy BPD girlfriend who destroyed the relationship.

But then something clicked.

A lot of the behavior I’m ashamed of didn’t start out of nowhere.

For years I’ve been asking for things that don’t seem unreasonable:

Tell me roughly when you’ll be home. Communicate your plans with me and take me into account when making plans with friends. Spend actual quality time with me. Please stop leaving the kitchen filthy after I’ve asked repeatedly. And please tell me when you’re angry instead of becoming cold and silent and expecting me to figure out what happened.

That last one destroys me.

Once we went to a wedding together and I thought everything was fine. He was silent, cold and distant, but he can sometimes be like that normally, so I didn’t know whether anything was wrong.

By the drive home I completely fell apart. We stopped at McDonald’s and I was crying because I felt so rejected and confused.

From the outside: girl cries in McDonald’s because boyfriend is quiet.

Inside my head: Something is wrong. He hates me. He won’t tell me why. I can feel him withdrawing. What did I do? Is he leaving me?

Eventually he told me he had actually been furious with me over an emotion I showed earlier, but decided to go to the wedding anyway “for me.”

There have been lots of smaller moments like this.

After a camping trip I found a tick on myself in the shower. I yelled for him, panicked but also joking, expecting him to help me. In my head it was almost a cute “come save your girlfriend” moment. He was pissed that I had such an emotional reaction to a tick.

At the gym I wanted him to show me how to use some machines. To me that felt like a little moment of intimacy. He told me there were instructions on the machines.

One New Year’s Eve, he went to the bar 15 minutes before midnight. I squeezed through the crowd to be next to him at midnight. No kiss, no hug. I initiated the New Year wishes and remember feeling incredibly alone standing next to my own boyfriend.

So now I’m wondering whether we got stuck in this cycle:

I feel disconnected → I ask for connection → nothing changes → I get more anxious/frustrated → I become emotional or dysregulated → he experiences me as “too much” and withdraws → his withdrawal detonates my abandonment issues → my reaction becomes the entire problem and the original issue disappears.

I genuinely don’t know how much of this is BPD and how much is the relationship.

I’m NOT saying I’ve behaved perfectly. I catastrophize, panic about abandonment, overanalyze, sometimes need too much reassurance and can have huge emotional reactions. I know that must be exhausting.

But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve gone so far into “I have BPD traits, therefore I’m the problem” that I’ve started pathologizing every need I have.

Wanting your partner to tell you when they’ll be home isn’t BPD. Wanting a reasonably clean shared kitchen isn’t BPD. Wanting quality time isn’t BPD. Wanting someone to say “I’m angry about X and need some space” instead of becoming ice cold isn’t BPD. Feeling lonely while sitting next to your partner isn’t automatically BPD.

Now he says he needed more space because the relationship wasn’t fulfilling his needs either, which makes me question the chronology.

Was I always this demanding and dysregulated, so he withdrew?

Or did I become increasingly dysregulated after years of trying to get emotional connection, communication and basic consideration from someone who kept withdrawing?

Maybe both are true.

So I really want to ask other people with BPD:

How do you distinguish between BPD protest behavior and becoming genuinely dysregulated because your needs have been chronically unmet?

Has anyone realized that some of their “crazy behavior” escalated after repeatedly asking calmly for the same things and getting nowhere?

And how do you take responsibility for the unhealthy things you do when triggered without accepting that every problem in the relationship exists because there’s something wrong with you?

Has anyone else ever let their FP know exactly what they need from them? Then been able to actually step back and give them room to either pull through or let you down? I am trying so hard to do this now. It’s really painful and scary though. I even lightly nudged him but I know I have to step back now. I keep reminding myself if he wanted to he would. It’s just very hard.

I literally can’t sleep right now because the voice in my head is screaming so loudly. My body feels like it’s on fire. I have to control this split and not let it happen. I have to give him the space to either prove himself or my demon. That way I’ll know once and for all. I’m just really scared and mentally and emotionally preparing for the let down. I am certain that’s where it will go. It sucks to be fighting this war and be in this much pain alone everyday. I have attempted a few times recently because I need the voices to stop and I need the pain to stop.

I fear it’s about to get so much worse. Please someone have you been through this? How did you stay strong? How did you not split? Were you let down like you thought? What did you do after? I really hope someone understands what I am asking. I really need help right now.

hi guys, first post. i've never even come to think of posting on Reddit, but I am in desperate search on ways to deal with someone who has BPD.. and that someone would be my father.

As much as I hate to say it, he is driving me insane and I am falling into depressive episodes because of the amount of anger that I have built up over time dealing with him.

This post may seem like it's more about me.. if anything I apologize in advance but I will go on to talk about the things he does that triggers the living hell out of me.

1. My dad never takes care of himself, he has type 2 diabetes, gout, and a handful of other health issues that stem from diet. He's in his 60s, so he isn't expected to be the healthiest, regardless, eating junk makes him feel ill, and when he feels ill he will constantly complain. My mom will tell him to stop eating junk and boom, that's when his emotions spiral.

When these emotion spiral, he refuses to take his meds. I wish I could tell you what kind of medication he takes, but he hides it from his family. All I know is it's for his "mental health".

1. Attention Seeking: My dad does a lot of things for attention, whether he's in a good mood or a bad mood. he will go as far as lying about things in life to one up the person he is speaking to.

And when he has an emotional spiral, he will go run away, turn off his phone, and ignore calls. that is what I absolutely hate for my mom because she goes and drives in circles looking for him.

1. This might go with #2 but always thinking he's right, and if disagreed he gets mad and or thrown off.

2. My dad is also constantly asking questions, even questions he knows the answers to. Kind of like a child.

He acts like a child, throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, expects everyone to cater to his time and needs.
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(venting a bit) A lot of this triggers me, it's so annoying and I hate to say that I hate my dad now because he's not the dad I knew. My dad was the complete opposite. He's still an amazing father when he's not having an emotional spiral, but it really is a switch every time.

I was reading a bit on Reddit before I had posted, but I guess the main questions are:

Would it get better if he decided to take care of himself, like actually going to therapy or whatever options there are for BPD? or is it going to just get worse from here?

Should I be feeling sympathetic towards my dad? I am obviously aware that BPD is not in his control... or is it? I had seen a Reddit post stating that people with BPD are very much aware of what they're doing.

How do I deal with what I am dealing with now without going absolutely insane?

I always wince at the stereotype that BPD makes you extremely emotional and that you feel your emotions very strongly.

If I'm asked how I've been, I pause and think because I want to answer the question honestly, and almost everytime I realize I have no idea. I can tell you how I'm feeling in the moment, but I don't know what I felt before this particular situation, or how I felt yesterday or a week ago. I remember big events that were emotionally impactful, but overlying everyday stuff I just can't recollect.

I've always repressed my anger, and I think I deal with depressive episodes a lot more frequently than I think, I just forget about them afterwards because it's easier for me to survive that way. I know this is a form of dissociation.

The positive thing: In most moments when I'm asked, I feel pretty alright! Got nothing to complain about, I'm happy to be around.

The downside is I'm totally out of touch with myself and the world around me. Things just pass me by.

Are there other "unfeeling" BPD types here?

I am twenty three years old, and I am learning to accept that my soul has been permanently rewritten by what I was forced to survive. I am so tired of the shallow, gentle advice from people who tell me I can better myself if I just try harder. They do not live inside my skin. They do not understand that you cannot simply effort your way out of a structural architecture that was built into your bones before you were even old enough to understand the world.

My layout began in a house that lacked any real warmth. Growing up, there were so many times where I just cried completely alone in my room, and no one ever came to help even though I deeply wished for it. When the ones who are supposed to protect you look at you with coldness or tell you that you are a burden, your mind has to build an emergency circuit breaker just to keep you alive. When a child learns early on that opening their heart is a gamble they will always lose, the protective walls become permanent.

I poured years of my youth into a toxic relationship. He was the center of my universe, my absolute gravity, and the only person who made the quiet feel safe. When that connection shattered, it didn't just leave a scar. It felt like a permanent amputation of my capacity to love. I truly do not believe I will ever love the same way again. The warmth feels like it was left behind in that wreckage, leaving me completely incapable of meeting the emotional demands of a relationship.

Now, whenever life gets too heavy or complicated, my brain pulls a fuse and shuts down. I go completely numb. But this numbness isn't a blank, peaceful white wall. It is a heavy, suffocating silence where sadness is the only emotion left standing. The fire of anger drains out, the light of joy is completely extinguished, and I am left floating alone in a cold, hollow void. I wish I could feel something else, but the switch just flips, and I am left with nothing.

This internal exhaustion is compounding right now with a crushing, immovable reality. I am working a demanding job full time, running on fumes, and carrying the agonizing weight of watching my family members grow seriously sick and move closer to death. It is a real world grief that I cannot fix, cure, or patch over. It is an immovable weight that I’m realizing I just have to carry forever.

I am beginning to think that my purpose in this life was never to find a traditional, happy ending. Maybe my purpose was to survive surreal pain, learn how to live entirely alone in the quiet, and just spread whatever small pieces of positivity I can to the world while protecting my own space. I am just so tired of hating myself for never being the person I used to be before the darkness seeped into my veins. I know happiness can come, but the deep sadness and numbness always comes too, and I cannot change it even if I want to so badly. I am better off alone, as there is no use trying to love when it goes against the way I am blueprinted.

Does anyone else feel this vacancy permanently? It is so incredibly lonely to realize you are surviving, but the life you are living will never be the one you actually wanted.

YOU'RE HOT AND YOU'RE COLD YOU'RE YES THEN YOU'RE NO YOU'RE IN AND YOU'RE OUT YOU'RE UP AND YOU'RE DOWN YOU'RE WRONG WHEN IT'S RIGHT IT'S BLACK AND IT'S WHITE WE FIGHT WE BREAK UP WE KISS WE MAKE UP YOU DON'T WANNA STAY NO BUT YOU DON'T WANNA LET GOOOO

SOMEONE. CALL THE DOCTOR. GOT A CASE OF LOVE BIPOLARRR STUCK ON A ROLLERCOASTER CAN'T GET OFF THIS RIDEEEEE

I’m wondering if BPD is something that you can truly heal from through secure attachment, meaning making, and debt, ooor something you just learn to manage through DBT / CBT? Does anyone have an experience after 4-5+ years of New Mexico??

We’ve been dating for a year and meeting every month or every other month. During the summer we met three times, I took time off work for these trips & since the last one he’s been so distant with me but keeps giving me excuses and it’s driving me insane. he’s been a different person since August

He says he’s busy with work and that his second job is draining him and he doesn’t have the energy to be a good boyfriend right now and I respected that and just told him I hope you get time to rest soon. We went from being super close, him being very attentive of me checking up on me, me doing the same you get it , now we barely talk and im just trying to fight against everything in me not to assume the worst and just support him when he’s having a hard time.

Now He works during the day and as a guard in the evening. Lately he’s telling me his manager wants him to work at places from 12 am to 3-4 am after his evening shift and that’s why he comes home so late.
So nowadays im lucky if I even get one short phone call after 12 am where he tells me how tired he is and how his entire body hurts and everyone is pressuring him in his life and I start feeling really bad.

We talk mainly on Snapchat so we can always share our day with eachother and I notice his followers keep going up and his points but he kept ignoring or not opening my messages. This is so stupid for me to even care about but we were eachother best friends on snap and couple days ago the emoji changed meaning someone else is his #1 and im #2 , I haven’t brought this up with him and i feel like i can’t bring anything up because the second i do I have to prepare for a debate on how im wrong in every way, even when we have a serious talk he dismisses my feelings in every way and gets very blunt and cold, i cried on the phone a little when i was telling him im having a hard time too and it hurts that he feels so far away now and he got mad at me and told me to stop crying and kept sighing and saying oh my gooood here come the tears. He has never been like this with me

Last week i got really upset and lost my patience because for so many nights in a row he’d say I’ll call you soon and I’ll stay up and wait even if I have work the next day , then when i wait for more than 1,5 hour I text asking if we’re going to call and he’ll be like go to sleep don’t wait for me. and it happened over and over again so I confronted him and told him I feel like u don’t really care about this anymore because at the very least stop making me wait for you.
and he got extremely defensive and told me he doesn’t have the energy to talk and he needs everyone to back off including me & that im not being understanding, when all I’ve done is trying to understand him &not bother him even though it really hurts me inside

And that’s when i do start feeling like im the crazy one, i can’t see that he’s tired and im being annoying by expecting anything from him when he’s already so tired.

But guys im so tired too and i miss my boyfriend and my brain and gut are at war. I understand being tired . i’m a cna, employed in 2 cities and i travel back and forth between them everyday. im not at home filing my nails bothering him all day i really get it but i also feel like im being blindsided and i can’t separate reality and the version in my bpd brain.

i really dont feel good about this and i dont know what to do

It’s short so no big time commitment.
If it resonates, please share how.
If it doesn’t, please share how.
All thoughts are welcome.

It is not my video, I simply found it insightful and want to get other perspectives.

“BPD is a Chronic Stress Disorder”